ReadyorNot Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 So my bf of almost 6 years and I are to be married this June... For my bday, I wasnt suppose to get a present but he bought me a little thing that you put the marriage certificate in, and he got it engraved... that weekend (3 days later) he only came home on the Friday night because he had to work the weekend. He is in the military but his course hasnt started yet so he is doing crappy jobs.... Anyway, the Monday came and when he called I kinda yelled at him for not calling me those evenings seeing as he had time off... when he called back that night he told me he wanted to marry me but he just wasnt sure if it was right.... Anyway.... I saw him a few times and we talked a bit.. basically he said that he wants me to stop being so nasty to him, he wants some space, trust and respect.... sure.. ok... He also said he doesnt want to HAVE to call me every day, and he wants to be allowed to stay on base one weekned if he feels like it... Valentines Day he comes home but has nothing for me.. we go for dinner... while he was in the shower I found a receipt for flowers... I asked him about it and he said that he had bought them for me but threw them out cause he felt angry again..... Next weekend he comes home and we talk and he says that he thinks everything will work out but he needs a little bit more time.. Great! When I was pulling out his laptop I found his little note book from Bootcamp... he has shown me stuff in there before so I opened it... a calling card fell out and when I asked him about it he tried to tell me it was to call me... LIE! Anyway, he said it was to call the guys from the base he was at 5 weeks ago.... He was upset for me snooping so he said he had to leave... if he left we would be able to work things out (he needed to be angry alone).... He said he woudl prob call the next day, and that he should have some days off at the end of the week so he would come home... Didnt hear from him all week and finally thursday he called me all angry.... I do his banking... but he thought I was using this access to SNOOP on him (the flowers) so he changed his password.. obviously when I went to transfer money into our wedding savings it came up as wrong password.. so I tried it again... wrong.. so I tried two more and hten left it... APPARENTLY me trying passwords even locked him out so he was SOOOO angry with me.. He said he couldnt be with someone who he couldnt trust (my snooping the last week) and that we had to talk... he said he MIGHT call later.... Well.... its now Sunday and he hasnt called and his cell has been off.... WHAT IS GOING ON??? Do you think that he just needs his space because he is upset or do you think that his not calling or coming home is his way of ending things??? He has things here but no where to put them if he were to take everything... Its just killing me.. I am dying inside.. I havent been able to do anything but think about this and cry... Up until 3 weeks ago he was SOOOOOO good to me.. and he loves me SOOO MUCH! I keep thinking that our love is so strong we will get through this... I asked him if he was cheating and he swore he wasnt, and he said I just need to trust him.... In my heart I dont think he would cheat on me... Link to comment
the yang to the worlds yin Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 he's either getting very cold feet, or cheating. maybe you two do need a little space so he can sort whatever's going through his mind, out. Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 He may be realizing that his "freedom" as a single guy is coming to an end and wants to hang with his buddies and do his own thing. With you pushing him and stressing out on him you are pushing him farther away. If things have been fine up to just this point perhaps you both should have a little space between you. You know him staying on the base once in awhile. Weddings can stress people out and it seems you are stressing and it is overflowing onto him and he cant handle it. Take a step back and look at the big picture. Good Luck, Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Wow, this one's tough... Well, first of all you did good to seek help on this (from this site) before the bottom fell out on things. There are a lot of knowledgeable, wise, insightful folks on here to help... Now, from here, I think you give this space and leave him and his stuff alone for a while. However long that is depends on really on him and his willingness to communicate. I read somewhere that men retreat to their "cave" when things start getting rough, and I think he is in there now... So once you feel things have settled down, sit down and have a serious heart-to-heart with him. Try not to pressure him, or yell at him, or be hard on him. You want information, want to know what's going on... At this point, I can't say what it is. It could be something as simple as he is stressed about something unrelated to you and taking it out on you or something as serious as resentment has built up over time for him and he has had enough... Give it time, feel it out, then talk...go from there and try not to worry about this too much (I know it's tough) but it may be something very minor... Link to comment
ReadyorNot Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 I suppose another question and this may be a better one for any guys that read this.... is it insane that he hasnt called ALL WEEK? He said he wants some space etc etc.... is a week normal? I also expected him to let me know if he wasnt coming home one weekend.. we were suppose to go to teh autoshow this weekend.. I SUPPOSE he didnt let me know he wasnt coming because he was angry with me about the bank account thing.... He also said he wasnt ever going to transfer the rest of the money into our wedding savings.. but that could have been because he was angry at the moment.. he says mean things when he is angry... Link to comment
ReadyorNot Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 He did tell me LAST weekend that he wasnt even sure if this was related to me at all... but he also said that he has had enough of my being a b***h to him the last few months..... Last weekend he said things woudl PROBABLY be ok.. he kept saying that he WANTS to marry me, but is it a mistake???... what if I have ruined it by finding the calling card and now the bank account thing... Man.. the invitations are suppose to go out in a month.... Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 I suppose another question and this may be a better one for any guys that read this.... is it insane that he hasnt called ALL WEEK? He said he wants some space etc etc.... is a week normal? I also expected him to let me know if he wasnt coming home one weekend.. we were suppose to go to teh autoshow this weekend.. I SUPPOSE he didnt let me know he wasnt coming because he was angry with me about the bank account thing.... He also said he wasnt ever going to transfer the rest of the money into our wedding savings.. but that could have been because he was angry at the moment.. he says mean things when he is angry... Well, new information here. I was under the impression he treated you very well up to this point...does he have a habit of saying mean things when he's angry??? No, what he's doing with the non-communication is pretty common. He should at least call and let you know about plans you guys made though, that is a little rude... I don't think he's cheating on you though. Usually people that cheat aren't so angry, at least that's what I've learned from reading posts on here. I'd lean more to the side of getting cold feet and facing the reality of spending a lifetime with someone... What you can do in the meantime before you guys talk is really look at what's going on and what you could do better in the relationship. Then take steps to work on those things. Let him know this too, it might put him more at ease with things... But for now, space, introspection, feel him out, then talk... Link to comment
xmrth Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 I can offer you advice on the calling thing... I've been with my boyfriend for over 6 years as well, and he hates using the phone. It's not abnormal for him to not call you every day, or even all week. However, it's only right if it's alright with YOU. I've accepted it, and it feels very natural. It took some getting used to, and now I can't see calling my boyfriend every day. Every other day, or even once a week and then seeing him weekends works fine. But it's something I've accepted. I know that's not the main idea of your problem, but it was one of the things you mentioned. But I think you should just take a step back. Let him do what he needs to do. Let him come to you, but don't play games with it. Just let him do all the work. Things will unfold much easier that way. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 He did tell me LAST weekend that he wasnt even sure if this was related to me at all... but he also said that he has had enough of my being a b***h to him the last few months..... Last weekend he said things woudl PROBABLY be ok.. he kept saying that he WANTS to marry me, but is it a mistake???... what if I have ruined it by finding the calling card and now the bank account thing... Man.. the invitations are suppose to go out in a month.... Are you being a b*tch to him? Yeah, sounds like he is getting cold feet and freaking out...and is thinking about it a lot right now...weddings and wedding plans can do that to people...my best friends told me to make sure I hire a wedding planner if I ever get married...takes a lot of stress off apparently... Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Ready if i have learned anything a womans timeframe and a mans timeframe are extremely different. Like when someone (a guy) says I will call you later I take that as in a few hours not like some think a few days. Its a beeyotch but something us ladies need to resolve will never change. Also step outside yourself for a moment and really look at how you have treated him. You are stressed and when people are stressed they act and say things they wouldnt regularly say or do. He probable thinks "Wow if she is acting like this do I want to get in a marriage with that all the time?" Friscodj is right when the going gets tough men hightail it back the "cave." Link to comment
meli Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Hi, I would like to say I have been dating my man for 2 years (not engaged yet) but I couldnt imagine him not calling me for even one day... We talk daily usually a couple times a day or some text messages. I think you should just tell him that for him to meet your needs in this relationship he has to understand you and if that includes getting a phone call even if its short... he should want to call you because he should want to make you happy... also, I would try and stay very positive,,,hopefully by you being happy and being confidant in your love he will see what a great thing you two have and hopefully things will be okay. good luck Link to comment
Scout Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 ReadyorNot, I read your post a week or so ago about the flowers receipt. I didn't want to say anything, because I wasn't sure, but after reading your last post....girl, I hate to say this, but I strongly suspect he's cheating. I never did buy his flowers excuse, but changing passwords (to accounts, cell phones, email addresses, etc.) is one of the top signs of cheating. And then catching people in stupid little lies is another top sign - like the calling card excuse he feebly gave you. And on top of all this, he's being a coward not confronting your relationship problems, and telling you what is going on with him. Instead, he's taking the extremely weaseley and immature way out by being such a jerk - i.e., the disappearing act - that you're going to be forced to break up with him. That's my perception, and I realize it's a pretty bleak one. I'm so sorry and really hope I'm wrong, but...I don't think I am, hon. Link to comment
Scout Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Ok, on the other hand...maybe you have become a raging Bridezilla and that truly is giving him second thoughts, and thus, he closed his account. I really don't know at this point. If it wasn't for that flowers incident, I would more go with this option, but that just nags at me. Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 I hope that isnt the case but here is some of the things to look for of a cheating mate. Hopefully its just the stress of the wedding I would to hate to think that cheating is the case. A sudden change in manner of dress and grooming. Secretiveness. Unexplained absenses. Unfamiliar charges on credit card or phone bills. Hang-ups on your home phone. More business trips. Stops confiding in you or asking your advice. Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn't tell you. Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you (They either knew about the cheating or have been told stories about how horrible you are). Refuses to let you take him to the airport. Carries condoms even though you are on the pill. Deletes incoming phone numbers from caller ID. Leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns smelling like Speedstick. Becomes accusatory, asking if you are being true to him. Raises hypothetical questions such as, "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?" Buys new underwear. Keeps child seat, toys, etc., out of his car. Stops wearing his wedding ring. Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub. Suddenly wants to try new love techniques. Has scratches or bruises on his neck or back. Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry. Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house. Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music. Has a sudden preoccupation with his appearance. Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed. Works long hours on weekends, but is never at his desk to answer the phone. Has lots of "emergency errands." Having to ask the question in the first place. Listen to your gut. Link to comment
DN Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 You can tell from the different responses on here that the best person to talk to about this is - him. If it is true that you have been treating him badly for several months he is now in a place (the Army) that he may find a more peaceful place than being with you. And although it is possible he is cheating it is also possible that he is indeed angry about you snooping and that is how he is dealing with it. I think this could well be a make or break time in your relationship. If he decides he is happier being away from you than being with you (even if he is not cheating) your relationship is in serious trouble. You need to talk, calmly and without anger, accusations or recriminations and work out between you the best way of getting your relationship back on track. Assuming that both of you want to do that. Link to comment
ReadyorNot Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 I just want to say that my fiance has been so amazing to me, treating so awesome over the last year.... If we get into an argument and he gets angry he sometimes does say hurtful things... I have been a nasty b***h to him the last two months.... I am so ashamed.. but planning this wedding has been stressing me out! Ever since the day he left for the military he has called EVERY single day, and he has come home every single weekend.... I dont even know what else to say... I am just freaking out.. We have been together for almost 6 years.. we have BOTH been so excited about this upcoming wedding... Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 I just want to say that my fiance has been so amazing to me, treating so awesome over the last year.... If we get into an argument and he gets angry he sometimes does say hurtful things... I have been a nasty b***h to him the last two months.... I am so ashamed.. but planning this wedding has been stressing me out! Ever since the day he left for the military he has called EVERY single day, and he has come home every single weekend.... I dont even know what else to say... I am just freaking out.. We have been together for almost 6 years.. we have BOTH been so excited about this upcoming wedding... I'm betting on stress as the cause here. Look, you guys are getting married and he just left for the military. Either one of those two things alone is stressful...but both together? Wow...that would have me acting a little nutty too... Well, you shouldn't kick yourself for being hard on him the last two months because you guys are still together. You've got a chance here to turn things around... Your relationship is being tested right now...so study up and ace the exam... Let the emotions cool off and have the talk... Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 but planning this wedding has been stressing me out! I'm serious, I hear hiring a wedding planner is the way to go... Link to comment
Scout Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 I have been a nasty b***h to him the last two months.... I am so ashamed.. but planning this wedding has been stressing me out! Well...I sort of suspected you might have become a Bridezilla. Why does the wedding industry have to exist? It's probably responsible for more good relationships gone bad than not. But you can't use this as an excuse at all. You put your wedding over your fiance...and lost site of the whole reason you were getting married. DN's right, it's make or break time and it's time to talk to your fiance. We can't tell you what's going through his mind, but if you have truly been as awful to him as you say above, you can see the consequences right now. The one thing i'm concerned about is that if he does say he needs a break, needs space, etc. you might freak out and prove his point that you've changed. How do you think you are going to handle a talk with him? Maybe we could at least help you there. Link to comment
ReadyorNot Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 We were talking last weekend and I was asking him if he thinks he would be happier without me and he said "H*LL NO!" I also asked him if there were more reasons to stay together or break up and he said deffinitely more reasons to stay together... Last Saturday he was making me feel like everything would work out fine.. but he said he needed a little bit of space... He WAS very angry with me snooping... so thats why he left early on the weekend... then Thursday this whole bank account thing happened so yeah, he is probably angry all over agian.. but he said we needed to talk and he might call me later... so why didnt he call at all over the weekend? He changed his internet banking password because he thought I was using my access to snoop on him.... Link to comment
ReadyorNot Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 Just found out from his roommates ex, that he was here in town last night... he went to see his old roommate.... Link to comment
Scout Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 I'm serious, I hear hiring a wedding planner is the way to go... Yeah, if you're rich. For the rest of us mere mortals, can't we keep it simple? I think most weddings are so incredibly wasteful, because everything that is bought is for one day only. And then it collects dust in an attic somewhere. I mean face it, how many brides then turn around and give their dress to a poorer girl who is getting married? Probably one out of ten thousand. Link to comment
Scout Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Just found out from his roommates ex, that he was here in town last night... he went to see his old roommate.... That doesn't mean anything. Maybe he needed to talk to his roommate and get his perspective on stuff. Don't freak out yet! Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Yeah, if you're rich. For the rest of us mere mortals, can't we keep it simple? I think most weddings are so incredibly wasteful, because everything that is bought is for one day only. And then it collects dust in an attic somewhere. I mean face it, how many brides then turn around and give their dress to a poorer girl who is getting married? Probably one out of ten thousand. In this case, don't you think it would be worth looking into? You can always earn more money...but you may not be able to earn more good husbands... Hey just a thought, worth checking out I think... Link to comment
ReadyorNot Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 apparently he came down early afternoon and left by 2pm.... Link to comment
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