ReadyorNot Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 He just called me because I had left a message on his cell to call..... I asked him if he still felt the same way and he said "yes".. I asked if I should seriously start to cancel the wedding and he said it would be a good idea.... Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Sorry to say, it sounds like there has been a lot of resentment built up over the years and it finally came to a head. It's been my experience there's really no way to undo that build-up or dispel the resentment no matter what is done. That's my take...I think this is done... Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I dont think the relationship will ever get back on track.... He said that he has been trying to get rid of me for 2 years now.. he was just lonely so he made himself believe that he wanted to be with me.... He loves me, but is not IN LOVE with me... that is a LIE because I know how much he loves me.. I can see it in everything he does for me... He even said that lately the sex hasnt been great so he doesnt even miss that... Hmm, that's a tough one. One of my good friends went through this with his ex, where he had been with her for years, but realized very similar. He did love her, but he also just knew he could not marry her, he did not look forward to it but just knew nothing different so stayed with her until he had a "epiphany" basically. I don't know what to say, because to make it work you need both of you willing to, and he sounds pretty done if he is telling you cancelling the wedding is a good idea. I suggest you let him know you love him, are willing to work together and go to pre-marital counselling together, but then the ball is in his court as to whether he wants that or not. It sounds like he is thinking enough though, maybe suddenly he realized the things he has been feeling, and there is a lot of anger and resentment it seems on both sides right now to some degree. I know it sucks, but it is better you find this out (that he wants out) now, then when you are already married, or having a child together. Link to comment
Scout Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 When did he propose to you? Was it within the last two years? Because if so, I don't understand his comment about trying to get out of the relationship for that long. Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 When did he propose to you? Was it within the last two years? Because if so, I don't understand his comment about trying to get out of the relationship for that long. It was less then a year ago, I remember her posting about it, and the wedding was to follow about a year later from the engagement. Definitely within the last year or so. I don't understand it either, unless he was trying to go along with what he "should" do, rather then what he FELT....tricky. Only he may know. Link to comment
Scout Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 RayKay is right, only he knows. ReadyorNot, I think after six years and a promise of marriage, you deserve to know the truth. I am not sure how you can get him to really tell you what you need to know, though. It seems he's avoiding confronting this conversation, other than in angry phone calls and emotional outbursts on both your end. Is there a chance he would consider relationship counseling? Not even with the goal in mind to salvage the relationship, but for both of you to get an understanding of where things went wrong. In other words, to create a safe environment for both of you to get everything out in the open so that if the relationship is indeed over, you two can better move on with your lives. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 RayKay is right, only he knows. Actually, he might not know. He might be so out-of-touch with his feelings or the feelings built up so much over time that he might be just as confused as you are...and he might be so consumed with anger and frustration right now... And as far as him considering relationship counseling...while a hopeful idea...it sure doesn't sound like he wants any part of the situation right now... The A-bomb just exploded on this situation and I don't think the debris has settled to a point where anyone "knows" anything right now... Link to comment
Scout Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I've never been in this situation, so I don't really know what to propose at this point. Part of me wants to say don't go into NC because both partners really need to step up to the plate and communicate here, even if they are angry. I feel it's the least that they owe to this relationship, based on its length and the fact they were going to marry. But another part of me agrees with everything you just said, Friscodj. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I think if anything positive is to come out of this now, it will take on the order of months of soul searching to really sort through the rubble and try to find signs of life... The bomb has been dropped. He canceled the wedding and said he's been feeling like this for years. For years. And this all happened within the last week. What would talking about it now do? "Oh honey, I'm so sorry I've been feeling this way for years, I was so wrong, let's get married now." He needs to be far away from this situation for a while and see which feelings rise to the surface. And the same for you. Will they be feelings of relief? Or feelings of love and regret? Only time will tell... Link to comment
Scout Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Well, it's not all about what he needs right now. The guy proposed to her in the time frame he supposedly said he wanted out of the relationship. He owes her something more than disappearing for months to sort his feelings out. If he wants out, he needs to be a man and first let her have a chance to really talk with him, without him yelling mean things at her. Link to comment
DN Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Well, it's not all about what he needs right now. The guy proposed to her in the time frame he supposedly said he wanted out of the relationship. He owes her something more than disappearing for months to sort his feelings out. If he wants out, he needs to be a man and first let her have a chance to really talk with him, without him yelling mean things at her. I agree with this. If there is to be a 'time-out' then it needs to be one that both people have agreed to and the time frame set for a 'final' resolution. I agree that emotions and anger needs time to cool down - but not by one partner doing things unilaterally. As a side-note. It is not unusual for people to get engaged hoping to re-ignite a spark, or hoping that will solve problems or bring back love. But it is much better to break an engagement than marry only to divorce later. My cousin made the mistake or agreeing to marry a guy because she thought it would make her love him enough to overcome the many problems in their relationship. It didn't and she had years of unhappiness. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Well, it's not all about what he needs right now. The guy proposed to her in the time frame he supposedly said he wanted out of the relationship. He owes her something more than disappearing for months to sort his feelings out. If he wants out, he needs to be a man and first let her have a chance to really talk with him, without him yelling mean things at her. Oh of course, he's not handling this in the best way. He is being immature and selfish. But the question is what to do about it. He's not posting here so we can't tell him these things... Feelings that build up or are harbored for years are very powerful and aren't just going to go away. I've had feelings like that before. It took years for them to subside and when they did, the feelings of anger and resentment were replaced with feelings of indifference... I'm sorry, I really and truly think this one is done... Look at it this way...you guys didn't get married, didn't drop the change for the wedding and honeymoon, didn't buy a house or have kids together, don't have to go through a messy divorce, custody hearings, etc... You found out now...and for what it's worth...at least that's a good thing...and also now you'll have had this experience to help make a better relationship for when a better guy for you comes along... Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I agree with this. If there is to be a 'time-out' then it needs to be one that both people have agreed to and the time frame set for a 'final' resolution. Yeah, but he's not posting here and doesn't want to talk to her... We all can post until we're blue in the fingers about what should be done but if he's not around...he's not around... Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 He owes her something more than disappearing for months to sort his feelings out. I was just re-reading this and realized something...he did do something... He said to cancel the wedding...I'd say that's the answer right there... It's done I think... Link to comment
DN Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 It's never over until the fat lady sings. And you are right that if he won't talk then he won't. But that does not mean she cannot try to get him to communicate at some point. Assuming she still wants to. Link to comment
ReadyorNot Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 He only disappeared for a week... it was this past week... before that, the two weeks before (after he told he wasnt sure if we should be married) I only saw him for like 1 day on the weekend.. He proposed to me in June 2005, and we were to have a June 2006 wedding... I surely dont believe all of the awful things he is saying to me.. but for some reason he said them... I dont know whats going on but I DONT BELIEVE that he doesnt want to be with me but I guess... I was on the phone, and I heard my 10-4 (cell) beeping.. it could only be him.. my mom grabbed the phone and I called him right back but he isnt answering now.. It kills me to think of not being with him.. I am freaking out.. I love him so much... Link to comment
Scout Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Why did your mom grab the phone? Link to comment
ReadyorNot Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 I am downstairs and my cell phone was in my room.. I didnt hear it.. He still hasnt called back.. I can tell his phone is on..... I cant do this.. I need him Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I am downstairs and my cell phone was in my room.. I didnt hear it.. He still hasnt called back.. I can tell his phone is on..... I cant do this.. I need him You're a mess right now, he's probably a mess right now, and this situation won't get solved by two messed up people... Link to comment
xmrth Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I've always found the phone to be the absolute worst place to talk about serious things... when will he be home? I would wait until seeing him in person and not rely so much on the phone. Maybe he just needs a few days. Everything sounds so tense and fragile right now... that's mostly why I think waiting until you see him would be best to talk any further about it, but I suppose it depends a lot on when he's home and things like that. But if he's coming home within the next week, I would wait until you see him possibly... Link to comment
ReadyorNot Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 I know.. I cant believe he broke up with me over the phone! Here in person he is telling me everything will probably be ok... and kissing and hugging me... He told me that he was pretty upset.. he said he hates to do this to me... he said he probably felt worse then I do... he said he was doing ALOT of thinking and this is what he feels we need to do... I dont imagine he will be home.. probably to pick up his stuff... but thats it... Link to comment
RayKay Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I know.. I cant believe he broke up with me over the phone! Here in person he is telling me everything will probably be ok... and kissing and hugging me... He told me that he was pretty upset.. he said he hates to do this to me... he said he probably felt worse then I do... he said he was doing ALOT of thinking and this is what he feels we need to do... I dont imagine he will be home.. probably to pick up his stuff... but thats it... It's hard to say what may come of this, I do know though when someone says they have done "a lot of thinking" is that this probably was not easy for him - but he has come to some decision that this is what he "has to do". All I can say is there must be something to it for him to be thinking of it that much, and be ready to cancel the wedding. I know you had some problems a while ago, but that things had vastly improved this last few months, so I am really not sure what is going on unless perhaps being away has given him more time to think and discover more independence & confidence in himself and realize being 'lonely' is no reason to stay together...I don't know. I think while he does not "owe" you more explanation, he should be prepared to sit down wtih you and talk about what happened more thoroughly...but you know him better then I do. Link to comment
ReadyorNot Posted March 2, 2006 Author Share Posted March 2, 2006 I just saw him.... we switched his cell phone to his own name... its completely over... Link to comment
DN Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I am sorry this has happened. I'm not sure what significance the cell-phone has but did he say that it is over for sure and he doesn't want to think ever about trying again? Link to comment
ReadyorNot Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 he said he realizes that this is probably a mistake but it is what HAS to happen.. he said even if he he realizes in his heart that he wants to be with me he wont come back... he said he wouldnt want to risk losing me again... He said he absolutely does not want to be with me anymore. He even started bad mouthing me... He said that I have let myself go in the last 6 years.... I dont look like I did when we met.. .I have gained 20 pounds in 6 years... I ALWAYS wear make up and dress nice to go outside.. I am a very clean person... I dont know what he is talking about and why he even said that... Ok, so I had more nasty things he said to me to tell you but he just called to give me heck for cleaning out the wedding savings account so soon.. He owes me money from a large loan I gave to him in 2001. He is telling me that I can trust him and he will pay it back, but he refuses to sign anything. I have already a contract with him regarding this but he said because I havent made him pay all these years and because we said the loan should be paid back in Nov 2005 that I wouldnt have a leg to stand on... He started saying mean things again like how he is gladhe got rid of me now if this is how I act the minute he says its over.... I am speachless really.. I cant even finish this post... I know tomorrow I will be crying again for him, but I wish I could feel this angry feeling more.. Link to comment
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