My Marriage is Over...I need support please help

[sugarcokey]

Well I could write a novel but I'll try to make it direct and to the point. My husband has just left me and our 3 kids after 8 years of marriage. We have been having problems for around 6-8 months. I thought our marriage was perfect up until that point. We had a house, great jobs and 3 beautiful children. May of last year that came all crashing down...we sold our house and was in the process of building a new one...then it came...he first left for a week and went on a job interview in another states miles away, when he came back he really wanted the job, but knew I did not want to move, and felt he could not talk to me about his dreams. Apparently he has not been happy in our marriage the last 3 years, but did not want to hurt me. Then he was here for a week and then left again for 2 weeks...mind you he lost his job, and I was using all the profit we made off our house to pay our monthly bills...then he came back and left again this time for 6-8 weeks..he was diagnosed with depression but I actually think it was a mid-life crisis he is 31 and I am 30. For the past several months I stayed up nights crying, worrying about bills and was worried about our children. All I wanted was to be the best wife I could, support him in the rough times and make it work for us and cause of the kids. Well he came back and I found out he did cheat on me, but he says our marriage was over long before (news to me) and that he had fallen in love with another girl (yes i say girl because she is 19 and he is 31???!!!) He loved me and tried to work things out with me, which is why he always came back, these past few weeks I felt were our best, but I guess it was a charade cause last week he said he was so sorry , but he was not in love with me, and that he loved me like a best friend not a wife. He needed to go and be with the other girl. So he packed stuff and left. The whole situation seemed like a fantasy and still does...we had sex up until they day he left, I wanted to do it, not sure why since he didn't want me, but I thought ya know I am completely in love with him and it will hurt just as much if I did or did not have sex with him, maybe secretly I wanted him to say wow..and stay..but that didn't happen. After all his lies and heartache, why do I still want him and wish he was here? Maybe cause I am used to that after 8 years...sleeping alone is awful and maybe it would have felt better if he was also alone and we just weren't together, but it kills knowing he is in someone else's bed. I am trying to be strong but crying everyday so far. I still have that ounce of hope left that maybe he will realize what he lost, and come back. I know I can;'t make him come back, he needs to do it on his own. As for our children, they are very young 7,4,2. we told them daddy was working and will be back soon. I just don't know what to do. I am in Florida and he is in Oregon talk about clear accross the country. He was away probably the most the last time 6 weeks, and then he missed the kids too much. I wonder what will happen, I just can't see this 19 year old girl wanting the drama of an ex-wife and the kids... right now we have it arranged he will be coming back in May for a few days since one of our kids birthdays are then and he promised.....the new girl has yet to find that out..we'll see how that goes...I know they also will have trust issues and he may seem happy now, but I just don;t see it lasting maybe cause I don;t want it too....I am also afraid that time away will make him forget about me, instead of making him realize what a catch he has lost...If he said he'd come back right now, I;d take him back...silly me. I know your repsonses will proabably say otherwise. I just think we have too much history too forget and he is alot older than her. What does everyon think out there? Do you think he will eventually come back at least for the girls? He said he doesn;t want me to wait for him, but he is not sure where his life will be lead...he actually had a dream that he was with her for 1 year and by the time our 10 year anniversary was coming around we were back together and getting married again. I am just so confused, I want to hurt him also and go and just have a one night stand...I know that is not good...and it would hurt me in the long run, and him.....how do I cope??? We were in love once, and wonder if we could be again??? He loves having that butterfly feeling with this new chic, but I told him ya know that goes away...uggh enough rambling ..also from a guys point of view...I speak with him on a daily basis as he wants to talk with the girls, and then we chat for a few while his stupid girl is right there listening...should i act happy like I don;t care?? would that make him want me or would it be like wow she doesn;'t care??? IS time the answer as to where our relationship will go...should i try to move on..how do i do that but not really do that...since we are not divorced yet....please help I'll try and repsond to all comments..guys what do you think of this is the 19 year old girl playing him and then will realize what an old man he is??? help me I love him with all my heart and i am hurting so much..what happens when he comes in May?? could that be a turning point , and we'll see how we react to each other? she has no clue about that so i am sure that wil start a fight cause the grass isn't always greener on the other side..thanks for listening

[melrich]

Wow, what a terrible situation.

 

I can't tell you whether he will come back or not. I can guess and say that he will be feeling very mixed emotions himself...the excitement of this girl vs the love and security of his family.

 

Unfortunately the truth is, right now you cannot do much about that, so hard as it is you really have to focus on what it is you can control now and the most important thing is ensuring yourself and the kids are looked after.

 

I know this may be a step that you are dreading but I think you should see a lawyer, find out how you stand legally and what you should be expecting financially. This process does not mean that you are giving up on your marriage, just that you are taking the appropriate steps to be ready if things do not turn out as you currently hope.

 

Do you have family around you? Lean on them at this time. They will be there for you and will want to help. Same goes for friends. People have a tendency to shut themselves off when this sort of thing happens. That just makes it harder. Don't be shy about asking for help.

 

You'll get a lot of help here too. Keep posting if it helps.

 

And look after yourself.

[vesper]

I am sorry to hear that you are going through such hurt and anguish right now. please try to take care of yourself right now, especially in this difficult time. Let your friends, family, and 'us' be here for you and do keep writing, it helps....

 

how did he meet this other girl, does he have emotional problems maybe that this girl is somehow takes his focus away from his own depression??

 

sorry, that is going out on a whim, but thought I would ask about what kind of problems could HE possible have to want to leave his beautiful family.

[ocrob]

Sugarcokey, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I don't think it is unreasonable that you still love him. Love is not something that can be replaced with anger or sadness. I will say that you husband sounds like an immature coward. Yes, it is important to be in love with someone, but there is a thing called responsibility and commitment. I don't think anyone should stay together just out of obligation, but he is being extremely selfish. He wants to run away from his responsibilities and go have fun. A real man would address the issues head on. If he is no longer in love with you, then you can't fault him, but you can fault his behavior. I know that you love him, but you can't just sit there and make yourself available. I would cut him off. I would not take his phone calls or talk to him. I realize that children are involved, but he chose to leave. If he wants out, then let him be out. Don't give him the choice of entering your life or your children's lives when it is convenient for him. I would get some professional advice because I am sure no expert and most of us here are not. I don't know what the laws are in your state, but you might be well served to divorce this guy and make him pay his obligations. At this point, he has access to your joint funds and can use them to have fun with his new little toy. This guy needs a wake up call. I am so sorry for your pain and I know what it is to love someone unconditionally. I am guilty as well. I would take my ex back in a heartbeat, but she did not disrespect me or treat me poorly. She just was no longer in love with me. He could have handled the situation so much better. You are his wife of 8 years and the mother of his children. You deserve respect. You can't fault anyone for not being in love, but he could have talked to you and could have at least offered to go to counseling. Please don't wait around for this guy. Slap him with a divorce and do not return his calls. This may wake him up and if not, then it is time to move on and have him take responsibility for his actions. He is way too young to have a mid life crisis. It sounds like you have been very understanding and supportive of his situation, but he sounds like such a coward. I am sorry, but marriage is a commitment. If he chose to leave, then shut him out and do not answer his calls. Go NC and talk to a therapist and a lawyer. Get the best advice you can get and move forward. This guy has a very rude awakening coming his way. If he changes his mind after this crisis, then let him come to you and let him work for it. For now, please shut him out. I am so sorry for your situation, but you can't just sit there and wait for him. Do not take his calls and see a lawyer. If this guy wants out and wants to play with some 19 year old, then he should have to pay for it. I am not talking about money, but just everything that goes with leaving a wife and three kids. You are so young and although you may never stop loving him, you will meet a man that loves you. Please get some advice from an expert and please do not let your husband play this powertrip. I am guessing that once you go NC and he can not have contact with you or your kids, he will realize what a jerk he is. I am not condoning using your kids as a tool, but he does not have the right to call your house. Your kids are pretty young, but it may be wise to tell them the situation. I am no therapist so please get real advice. Maybe you can let your kids call their dad and just not take incoming calls. Sorry, but I am just so upset for you and angry that this guy is such a coward. Please keep us posted. Please get guidence from someone who really can help you. I am just writing my opinion. Just because you love someone, you should not have to endure this type of treatment. Cut him off!

[Relationship Coach]

Sugarcokey,

 

I'm so sorry such a horrible thing brought you to ENA. I have more or less been in your shoes and I can offer you a few suggestions. The first thing you need to do is think of yourself and your children, get an attorney! You will need the financial assistance for a long time due to your children's ages. Your husband has basically abandoned you and the children, he will get grilled by the courts for this. When you file in Florida, he will be spending more time in the Sunshine State than he will care to admit. You are right the OW (Miss 19), she probably would rather forget that your husband had a life prior to her. I hardly think she is ready to play house with your kids.

 

At 31 your husband is not having a mid life crisis, his crisis however is just below his mid line. You need to really think hard here, why would you ever want him back? He is a cheater and will probably always be. Do your best to try and refrain from having sex with this man. You have an emotional attachment with him, don't make it worse! The time will come when you need to break the truth to your children. You need to get out of the habit of defending him and his actions with excuses. The children will eventually find out the truth, please don't let them feel they were raised by two liars, one is enough.

 

You miss him and want him because he has been such a big part of your life. You will need to come to terms with the fact that it is over. Seek out counseling and heal. You need to be strong for your children, this is going to be a long ride but the good news is...we are along for the ride with you, every step 24/7/365.

 

RC

[whatif]

Sugarcokey, I am extremely sorry to hear your situation and know that we are all here to listent to you. I am not an expert to offer you any advise but I do understand your unconditional love for your husband.

 

But one thing you need to remember is that he is only 31 and even if he comes back one day, who said he will not do the same again. Like ocrob said, you can't make him love you and he can't make it happened either. But his behavior toward you and your kids is not forgivable and you need to slap him with a good surprise. Don't take this abuse (I know I know you love him so much) and try to take care of business. You need to have plan to raise your three little kids without him being in the picture.

 

Don't worry too much about him or the 19 year old girl. She is too young to understand the whole picture. I only blame him for taking trips to be with her. He is a coward and idiot and you deserve better. I know you don't see him like that, but that's the mere fact. Now stand tall and just do it.

[Tex1907]

Hi. Sorry to hear about your unforunate situation. I would have to agree with most of the posts above. I think you deserve better than to be treated like that. As hard as it may seem youll have to try and accept whatever may happen. It is still early to tell exactly what may happen, but try to get it off your mind as much as you can. Whatever happens try to look to the future, not to the past.

[kellbell]

Hi Sugar,

 

I am so sorry about what happened. (((hugs))) I have never been in your situation so I do not have much advice for you but just know we are here to listen, help and support you whenever you need us. Let us know how you are doing.

 

 

(((hugs)))

[evy38]

This is excellent, complete advice. I hope you follow it.

[lunatic]

Welcome you to ENA sugarcokey!

 

I wanted to add my two cents in on this matter. I have to admit that I have never been married so I cannot even imagine how hard this is for you. I have had my heart broken before and I will go by that.

 

First off you need to get an attorney and NOW!! You must take measures that will protect you and your family from his negligence. There are laws that require him to help with the bills that the children make. Stop fretting about him and make sure your BUTT is covered in case things get ugly. I know you love him but, after what he has done to you over the last year is in-excusable in my opinion.

 

Secondly, You cannot go No Contact (NC from now on) simply because there are children involved. What you can do is limit your contact with him to only matters that concern the children. I agree with RC on what he advised you to do is what you NEED to do. Your ex husband wants his cake and eat it too. You cannot let him use you as a doormat and step on you whenever he is in town. Screw that you deserve better than that.

 

Go get yourself the legal advice and find out where you stand.

 

I am sorry your going thru this and my heart goes out to you. As everyone stated come here and post as often as you can to vent.

 

Hub

[Pixiemeat]

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Definitely put the wheels in motion to get a lawyer and make sure he pays maintenance. He's gone off until May???! I don't care how much work or how in love/lust he is with this other girl, but that takes the cake. He has to help with maintenance.

 

I know how difficult it is, but you're clearly a very good person and mother. I would not consider taking this guy back, no matter how much history we had, but I know it's difficult. For now your kids need you as they're none the wiser about the whole situation (how cruel of him, really). I hope you have a network of real gems around you, please get them to help you.

[theantibarbie23]

Sugar,

 

As much as you love this man you need to start loving yourself more and see him for the person he's become. He's no longer the man you married or fell in love with. Would the person you fell in love with be capable of doing this to you and his own children? Of course not. That man is long gone.

 

He's turned into a self-centered liar, cheater, and bad father. You need to protect yourself and your heart from this stranger or he will eat away at you like cancer and suck all the strength from your soul like a leech.

 

He's no longer a person who's worthy of your love or respect. If you were to take him back without him showing (not telling) but showing you that he's working very hard on becoming the man he once was, he will only hurt you AND YOUR KIDS again and again and again.

 

Call lawyer and find out your rights. Going for that long without bothering with your kids is abandonment! Show him you mean business and file for divorce. It's sometimes the only thing that shows a husband/wife that you're not playing around.

 

You are worthy of love and happiness, don't waste years of your life pining over a man who can't see what he has in front of him. You deserve a man who has love for his family. What he's done to both you and your children is downright cruel and if this is the person he's become, you are better off without him.

[Caldus]

Thank you theantibarbie, I had the same thoughts.

[SLMitchell918]

As hard as it may seem, cutting him out of your life would be the best for you. Since you two have children involved, that is very hard.

 

I know you want things to work out between you and him but if it ever really did, could you get over how much he hurt you? It would be something that would forever dampen your relationship with him for several years to come. Trust me, you never really get over the hurt.

 

Eventally, this 19 year old girl will probably decided that she doesn't need her sugar daddy anymore and leave him. That would probably send him crawling back to you. Yet, you need to respect yourself hun, file for divorce, move on with your life and don't let him come back.

 

He had resonsibilities to you and your children but instead of staying committed to them, he ran away as fast as he could with a woman almost half is age.

 

Please keep posting and talking about how you feel because that is one way that can help you get through this difficult time. ENA members will always be here for you for support.

[Shadows Light]

Sending you lots of cyber hugs and love. ((((HUGS)))

 

As some of the posters have already said... right now you need to get yourself together. Your girls need their mommy. They need a STRONG mom... mind, body and spirit.

 

There are several things you need to do. Go out and get yourself a big 5 subject ringed notebook. And you use it to start journalling. Write down what happened or what is happening and your feelings. Start keeping copious notes. It'll help you to get things out and to stay focused.

 

Then... find yourself an attorney. Call your GF's and/or family. Someone usually knows a good divorce attorney. You need to start getting an idea of what your rights are to protect yourself and your children.

 

You'll have to start gathering all your financial information. House mortgage, bank statements, the last 3 years of Tax return copies. Write down what your household budget is. It might help if you go out to the library and get a few books on divorce out. They usually have check lists for you to go through so you can gather this information. The better prepared you are... and the more leg work you can do on your own. The more cost effecient it will be..if you need to file for divorce. NOPE.. you arn't filing right now. You are just gearing up and looking for information. Going through this exercise will give you "some" control over the situation.

 

 

Then... go to your doctor and see if you can get into a counselor ASAP. You'll need to talk to someone. They'll help you go through this process. Right now you feel like you've been hit with a train head on. You are in DENIAL. Everything seems surreal and you think its gonna go away.

 

No matter what happens from here on out.. the BALL is in play. This is NOT simply going to go away. Whether he comes back or not.

 

Now... Mid-life Crisis. From all accounts I have read... your husband is still a bit too young to be going through MID-LIFE crisis. Depression... yeah.. depression can make you do things you probably would have NEVER considered doing. But don't let him get away with that excuse. He is still responsible for his behavior.

 

Some of your points on the 19 year old are VALID. She's 19. What does she want with a man with children. Its a HUGE responsibility. Given the distance between Oregon and Florida... I'd say she's banking on the fact she won't have to deal with his children or his ex-wife. Who knows what she see's in your husband... a father figure.. someone who has swept her off her feet. Someone with more life experience, successful. She's awed by him and by the attention he gives her. For him.... maybe he just wants to revert to the old days. The days when he didn't have the responsibility of a wife and 3 young children to provide for. When all he had to think about was Saturday night... and the fun, carefree days. When life was simpler and there weren't bills hanging over his head. WHO KNOWS.

 

Not happy for 3 years? Yes, its possible. I was on the opposite end. His end. I'm the one who left. Circumstances were different. There was verbal/emotional abuse. And for me.... I kept trying to make it better. I kept trying to find ways to make my commitmenet work. Thought that things were the way they were.. and now I had to find a way to deal with it. My circumstance were different.

 

What I will tell you from where I stand... is that there is NO GOING BACK.. and re-claiming my life from a point that I started it. Things have changed to much. I have changed to much. I have 2 children now. And walking away is NOT that EASY. It wasn't for me. And its a darn scary thing to find yourself in your 30's.. and your marriage down the toilet. Thats why I'm telling you... get yourself into counseling, lean on family and friends. Your husband left.. but it'll smack him in the face... full force. And there are NO GUARENTEES as to how/what he's going to do.

 

I had a counselor tell me in the beginning of my journey... that there are NO LAWS stating you can not remarry. The fact that you are at this point is a HUGE RED FLAG. That something is horribly wrong in your marriage. If its not good for one person.. its not good for both. And he told me.. that what I needed to do was to concentrate on myself and the children. If my husband decided to get help... if he made inroads and turned his life around... well then maybe I could consider a reconcilliation.... BUT.. and the very big BUT.. was... I needed to make things different. We couldn't fall into the same routine.. or the same groove. Else.. I"d find myself sitting in his office 10 yrs from now AGAIN.

 

No..my husband has not... or did not turn it around unfortunately. And its been a painful experience. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. But you do get through it.

 

Being a mother... I understand where you are coming from. You have so got to keep it together for the girls. You'll get to the ANGRY STAGE soon enough.. and here is where you have to keep it together. Take the HIGH ROAD. When its all said and done, you'll be parenting your kids together somewhat. You've gotta keep communications and anger in check. Easier said than done.

 

There's a program called MENDED RAINBOWS... check it out on the net for your kids. It started in Florida so I'm sure there is a church nearby that may offer it. THIS is a very very very good program for kids and for you as a parent to go through it. The kids will go through their own grieving process.. no matter how WELL they appear to be taking the separation... they are too young to know what is going on.. but...don't think they are taking it well. They just don't know how to articulate or communicate their questions or fears. Look for the program. Its a godsend.

 

I know this is a lot to swallow right now. Take your time. If you need someone to talk to... feel free to PM me anytime. I'm here for you.

[lillady898]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's just an all-around terrible situation and I would wish that noone would ever have to go through it.

 

I have close relatives who have just separated, and the impact it has on the children is just incredible. I had recently picked up one of their daughters (6 years old) from school as a surprise, and the otherwise peppy and talkative little girl who used to run to me for hugs and to talk about cartoons, museums, and coloring... She just picked her coat up off the floor and walked towards the door with her head down. I didn't see her smile until I told her how beautiful she looked with her new hair cut about 20 minutes later. I guess my point is, this is really going to take a toll on your kids, as I'm sure you already know. They're going to need a lot of support through this. They need to get involved in sports, activities, and social events to feel as if they're leading a somewhat normal life.

 

I'm really sorry about what you and your little ones are going through. I really hope things begin to get better very, very soon.

[Jetta]

So sorry to hear about this happening. The advise you were given by the coach should be followed. Basically the 19 year old girl is only having fun with him right now, it's very unlikely she'd want to become serious with him. He basically flipped out, sounds like the stress got to him and then he felt trapped when you said you were unwilling to move. But I'm not him so I don't really know. Just get support for yourself and be honest with the kids.

[Taomagicdragon]

What is obvious to me is that he is unfaithful and seems to be unable, or unwilling, to change. Once that trust is broken once, it takes time to rebuild. However, he keeps breaking it every time he spends a night in that girl's bed. If he was a man of any fidelity or honour, he would ahve never left you in the first place. He has walked out on you and your children, that's a fact. You must look after you and your children and prepare the divorce. Then, move on with your life and find a man worthy of you and your kids, for you all deserve the best. Remember, this was the decision he made when he threw all that he had away.

[fishrrshortae]

GET A LAWYER.

 

Do NOT let him come back to you. You would be miserable even if he did.