why does this happen?

[deejay74]

i was just wondering why when someone gets dumped and they pour their heart and soul out to the other person with regards to the way they feel, it only pushes the other person away?

 

it doesn't even have to be begging and pleading to get the ex back - i know how that could push them away. but if the dumpee was being sincere and told the dumper that they were hurt and that they still loved the other one, why would that push the other one away?

 

i figure that if the dumper was a caring person, they would feel some compassion for that person. what i see happening time and time again is that the dumper actually gets nasty with the dumpee and that just makes everything worse, especially if the break up wasn't bad. does it mean that the dumper doesn't care? if so, how can people just not care when they break up with someone. i am having a really difficult time understanding this as my ex seemed like she didn't care at all about me or my feelings when i saw her the last time.

 

do the dumpers do this to ease their own guilt? can someone help me understand this? i just want to get some understanding on what is going on in my ex's head. No, i don't want to get back together with her. i am the type that likes to understand why things happen and why thing are the way they are. i am accepting the break up the best i can, but i can't figure out why i got treated like a redheaded step child by my ex when i didn't do anything wrong to her since the break up.

[kickedin]

the dumper is already disconnected hence why they dump you and you are still going strong...they are on a different level

[RayKay]

Because to them, your "kind, heartfelt feelings" don't sound like that to their ears.

 

They know you feel for them, they also usually feel for you, but their decision is generally not an "easy" one, but one they thought of for a while. Gushing your feelings can come accross as huge pressure, as they never WANTED to hurt you, but felt they needed to move on.

 

Sometimes it's also just too late..their feelings are not there, and you gushing it to them only reinforces that for them.

 

Sometimes it feels like you are not respecting their decision either, so they get angry and push you away to force you to move on, and leave them alone.

 

They are just in a different headspace. Not every 'dumper' does this, some will listen, and hold you and comfort you....and then it just gives you hope, and crushes you when they don't return the feelings. That's not really "better" either.

[NJRon]

It's not always that you are puching them away, but that they are already away and they don't come any closer.

[Dako]

They aren't in the relationship anymore and the dumpee still is, or thinks so. The illusion takes time to fade.

[sukerbut]

yeah well my dumper was a ruthless bi____! read what just happened i posted it..i cant believe how cold this thing could be..its def..not human..humans have feelings..you would think she would be a lil remorseful after she did this to me 3 times...i fell in love with this person..what the hell was i thinking

[brando]

I always felt it was a cowardly thing to do, to emotionally detach yourself while in a relationship. I know it happens all the time and i am sure it is not always a conscious decision, most cases i think it is.

 

But i also believe just because one falls out of love, it does not mean one cant fall back in love. But from my experience the dumpers are usually the ones who no longer look at that relationship as promising. Either they have their eyes set on a new person, or they simply want out and think this path is a road to happiness.

 

I read many books and articles on breakups divorces and such, and their was never an answer that satisifed me, i just came up with more questions. So until i accepted it as simply "It is what it is" i had much more peace about it.

 

I sometimes miss my ex and i sometimes don't. I do wish her well and to be happy with whatever decisions she is making.

 

Someone posted earlier that the less you respect their choices, the more they distant themselves from you, this in the early stages of a breakup. Their is so much to learn from an intial break up, especially about yourself.

 

 

I hope this helps.

 

be well,

brando

[Bethany]

It's because they have already made a decision in their mind before you even know. They decide that it is the right thing to do so they make a decision to be strong and not let the dumpee reel them back in by making them feel guilty or sorry for them.

Emotionally a brick wall comes up and they don't let anything make them take back that decision. They feel that they are doing what's best for them and can't or won't let anything change their mind, even for a declaration of love for them. Emotionally, they have left the building.

[SilverCloud]

Dumper is cowardly because they are not committed to make a relationship work when all the glam of the relationship is gone.

 

It take work to make a relationship work and if one(dumper) does not do their share of it, it makes them feel that the other(dumpee) is not doing anything to make it a promising relationship. Since its easier to blame others then self.

 

Most dumpers are incapable and sometimes not ready to put into the relationship what it takes to make it WORK. They have fed themselves off all the good times and are now looking for more goodtime, not realizing that goodtime is only there for the start, and commitment comes with a price and that is EFFORT. The effort itself returns a richer relationship, but they are too impatient to find out.

 

Its easy to give up then to make it work.

[RayKay]

That is an awfully huge generalization.

 

I have had to break up with people muyself, and it has nothng to do with the "glam" being gone. The decision is made after many weeks and months of WORKING at it. There are times the dumpers do indeed try to address and work on issues, and the future dumpee is not putting forth the effort. Sometimes the dumper "dumps" because they are both going on different paths, have different goals and levels of commitment to one another and the future dumper is feeling neglected, unheard and like a small priority. Sometimes it comes down to some major incompatibilities, or just not the "right" feeling. And that "right" feeling is not just about "good times" but a commitment and desire even through the bad times. If you don't have it, you can't force it.

 

Having been a dumper, I can say it is not a "cowardly" decision to make, as it too is full of painful decisions, thought and having to hurt your partner, and finally say enough is enough.

 

It takes both, and there are so many situations where the "dumper" has given it their all, and stuck around, and it begins to be taken for granted they will be around forever.

 

I have been on the flipside many more times too, and I can say I don't consider them "cowards" for breaking it off. In fact, eventually I thank them for letting me go to find the person whom did want to be with me, and whom I deserved.

[SilverCloud]

"The decision is made after many weeks and months of WORKING at it."

 

It could be generalization, but that is what i have seen happen to the people i know and with my own personal experience.

 

I also did put in all the effort and the only effort i was returned was my ex spending his time on the couch surfing the online dating sites.

 

I guess i am still bitter but that was my experience and opinion, guess not ready to thank my ex as yet.

[RayKay]

"The decision is made after many weeks and months of WORKING at it."

 

It could be generalization, but that is what i have seen happen to the people i know and with my own personal experience.

 

I also did put in all the effort and the only effort i was returned was my ex spending his time on the couch surfing the online dating sites.

 

I guess i am still bitter but that was my experience and opinion, guess not ready to thank my ex as yet.

 

Note I did not say in every case, I have been on the flipside too where I was dumped even after working at it. But in time I realized that I deserved someone whom was wanting to put the same effort into it.

 

In time, you will be glad to be rid of someone who was busy looking for others instead of focusing his attention on you, even if it was him whom broke it off.

[deejay74]

Note I did not say in every case, I have been on the flipside too where I was dumped even after working at it. But in time I realized that I deserved someone whom was wanting to put the same effort into it.

 

this is similar to what happened to me. i was feeling neglected in my relationship because my ex was sooo busy that she couldn't put much effort into the relationship. she broke up with me after being distant for about 3 weeks and it was so bad on xmas. she broke up with me 4 days later because she felt the relationship was too overwhelming.

 

now she is acting like she couldn't give 2 s***s about me.

 

i still feel like i had done something to contribute to the break up. i often wonder if she just stopped loving me or fell out of love with me. i never quite bought her reason for the break up but i guess i'll never know.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Dumper is cowardly because they are not committed to make a relationship work when all the glam of the relationship is gone.

I think thats not really fair to a lot of people in crappy relationships. My friend has been with her bf for I dunno how many years. She's spent over a year trying to make it work, but the fact is he's just not the right person for her. He's not always 'mean' or dominating to her, but when she's with him, she's not the same bright person. He just sucks all the lightness and bubblyness from her personality. She dumped him last week and all her friends cheered! She's felt horrible and heart broken, but she's better without him.

[painful]

iwantherback,

 

Its unfortunate that dumpers emotionally detach from relationships before they leave. That is what my ex did. I notice the chnages in his body language etc. He was not mean to me. In fact, he has been quite the opposite. He respects me immensely and I saw him trying to give it a shot. At the end of the day, I believe he just decided that he could not be happy with him and for me. His insecurities about himself and them my carrying on in what seems like a solid career path had brimmed to the surface and Iguess something had to give. he no longer felt passionate about me and he clearly did not want to love me anymore. I exposed his inadequacies he says and stuff in his character he is not ready to confront. A wonderful man who I thought I could seriously share my life with (had so many of the qualities I seek in a man) could not abide with me. It is hard to reconcile with that but his spinelessness and envy suggests that as sweet as he is, he is not the man for me. My man must be my biggest cheerleader,not one who cringes because I am doing well. Oh No! Its hard but I have to let go!

[painful]

One more thing,dont try to figure out or understand. Your job is to accept. Since I have begun to accept the finality of it, its been easier for me to look ahead. I am not saying I dont cry sometimes and just grieve as the lost hopes and dreams but I also allow myself to hope for a better relationship. There are tons of good people out there, so whatever we see in our mates that we like, it is out there in other folks.

 

What we learn here, we 'pay it forward' in other relationships/. It will get better, I believe that with all that I have

[Dako]

I think painting the dumper as evil is unfair. Look how many threads on enotalone erupt into a chant of "Dump em, dump em!"

[renaissancewoman101]

The sad thing about dumpers detaching themselves from the relationship is that sometimes you can see it happening slowly and when you try to stop it, it is too late, because the dumper has slowly made up their mind to dump you and they are going to keep to it. When my ex broke up with me, I had an inkling he was going to eventually dump me, but I never thought he would have the guts to do it. He slowly pulled away from me and the week before he dumped me was the last week of Ren Faire. I had told him that I was willing to come for all three days of Ren Faire and he didnt seem like he even cared. The last day of Faire I offered to drive him home but he didnt care. I knew something was up but I didnt know how to deal. I did try to talk to him but he didnt want to talk. The only thing I remember was two weeks before he had asked me where he thought the relationship was going and I told him that I didnt know. I think the day he asked me that question was the day he mentally made up his mind that he was going to dump me. The week after Faire he broke up with me. I later found out he was saying nasty things about me to people that we both knew from Faire.

[crossflow]

Sometimes you just have to emotionally detach yourself to spare yourself some pain. If it's over it's over.

 

I've had it from both sides and I can't say it was easier being either the dumper or the dumpee both were really hard, difference being the dumper was that I had to make the decision to break it off and that was not an easy thing to do at all, but once I had made that decision the shutters came down pretty quick.

 

I had tried to work it out for a couple of years but we just couldn't get it sorted out in the end moving on was the only sensible option I had at the time, sure in hindsight I could have giving it another go, tried harder etc but it really wasn't working and there are only so many tries you can give it before things just become too hard.

 

So when I did make the split I was determined, I didn't want to keep being on and off again as we were. So I can't say I really wanted to hear my ex tell me how much she loved me or cared for me because it wasn't going to make any difference and when she did start crying and telling me things like that I just wanted to go or put the phone down.

 

It's actually a hard thing to deal with as a dumper when the person you proberbly still are in love with and care for is crying down the phone at you. There are only two ways you can go, back in to the relationship or move on.

 

If you are determined to move on you have to shut your feelings down to this or you can't.

 

Doesn't mean it's easy, the dumper enjoys doing it or he / she is horrible for doing it. It's just their way of dealing with it a

[SilverCloud]

Its true that the dumper start to detach, but the worst part that i had to go through, when i was being dumped, was that i knew it was coming and that he was not saying anything just too not be lonely during the holidays, that were coming up soon.

 

Its fine to dump someone that is not right for you, but keeping them around just because you dont want to be lonely during holidays is awful.

 

I would rather be alone during the holidays then be kept around based on selfishness.

 

I dont think that the dumper enjoys dumping, i just feel that before you detach from a person give them forewarning of what is it about them that bothers you, so they have a chance to fix it. They obviously love you and will do what they are capable of.

 

And if you are testing them, before detaching, they have the right to know. Its not right to say we tried to make it work when the other party doesnt know that you are struggling to make the relationship work. No one would want the person they love to be miserable in a relationship.

 

I am not saying by any means that the dumpers are evil, they too are human. Just that there has to be a better way to deal with the ones you once cared for. Dont start moving away, it will make the dumpee wonder what they did wrong, instead tell them when something bothers you about them to them, and also remember they are not exactly like you, they never will be and afterall thats what you liked about them in the first place. Realise your deal breakers very carefully, its someones heart you dealing with.

[deejay74]

exactly. this is how i was left feeling.

 

the funny thing is, i asked my ex more than once while she was distancing herself and she said she didn't know what's wrong. i had to leave for 4 days and i left on xmas. that day it was so bad and when i got back, she broke up with me the next day. she said had i not gone home for a few days and i was around to "talk" to her about it, she said it would've made it worse - whatever that means.

 

it always made me frustrated that my ex never could talk to me about what was going through her mind while this was happening. i sometimes think she stuck around to collect her xmas presents and/or stuck around as to not be alone during xmas. although she broke up with me before new years.

[octopus]

well, i have a friend who's with he bf because she didn't want to be alone with the holidays, or valentine's, or her bday that's coming up. she loves him, but they're not doing too well right now. it's entirely possible!

[luvagain]

My ex is a cold hearted girl. I agree with some of the comments. The dumper is disconnected. The dumper is a coward for not talking about the situation. If the dumper still cared like they say they do they wouldn't detach themselves in such a way that leaves you wondering what happened. They would al least point out where things went wrong and see if they can be worked out. Some just look for an easy way out.

[red10]

I agree with SilverCloud - in my relationship i had no idea, and by the time he was ready to tell me - he was already done, while i was still there - which makes it even more frustrating because i didn't think anything was wrong - i mean, yeah, we had our problems, what relationship doesn't, but i didn't think it was going to end like this....it always happens when we least expect it, which is tough, but it's what we do next that matters -

 

as a dumpee, i am respecting my ex and although he wants a frienships still (i truly believe he does)- there's no way that's going to happen anytime soon. I need NC for myself to heal, but also i will save him any problems and let him go pursue this other woman without me on the sidelines...that's not where i belong. i do wish him well, but just really hurt by all of this and i know the less i say to him, the better. he's already gone, now i just need to realize that -

 

it's not worth it to beat yourself up over trying to figure out what went wrong, it's kind of too late, they already made up their mind

[Juha]

That sounds like my ex... I was going through a tough time and had issues...She tried to talk to me a little I pushed her away not on purpose I just had issues... SHe just ran away one day and never said anything and still has not ever talked aboutit to me...

 

I have dealt with my issues and am much, much better but she harboured alot of anger and resentment towards me... So I backed off and now she knows I am better but still keeps a great distance from me...

 

SHe used soemone else to get over me and feel better and now has moved on to another person... SHe is not the same person and is very selfish now and it seems like she is grasping for something, anything from other people...

 

But she won't talk with me about anything and keeps her distance...

SHe now only thinks of herself...I guess she can't be without someone else now... I guess she needs to grow up...