it's making me ill

[lgirl]

well, i have posted here before several times and i am now reaching the end of my tether 10 months on and i can't get past the fact my ex betrayed me. i'm okay for a day or two, but it keeps coming back, images of him with 'her' (a so-called friend who he told me i would laugh at if i ever saw her b/c she's so fat, apparently). i know it was a mistake (he told me it should never have happened) and i'm sure he's probably embarrassed by it now (a 'moment of madness' he called it) and i know it wasn't anyhtin approaching what he had with me; it wasn't even lust on his part (just looking for comfort)...

 

so why is it still haunting me? i want to stab her to death (and every fat woman like her that i see in the street), and then kill him; really hurt him!! how bad is that? it's like the anger never leaves me and time has only served to make me recall every last detail of how it must have happened, all the sordid details. he made the situation worse after his awful admission by hanging out at hers even tho' he said it was a dump and didn't feel comfortable there + was having to fend her off (she was very keen and doing all the work to get him); he told me he'd play computer games with her kid and then she'd ask him to stay, but he'd leave (all this to avoid being at home with his jehovah's witness mother on at him to get a job. BTW he is 33). told me she was "too close to home", which is why he couldn't just cut contact with her. treated me like some shameful bit on the side to be got rid of and i was his fiancée!!!!

 

why is this still tearing me apart?

 

sorry for the long post folks!

[Eadgbe]

Hi lgirl. I feel your pain. Thats a horrible situation. Its soooooo hard to get past these things. Cheating is just so wrong. I felt incredibly angry at my girlfriend when I found out she had slept with someone else. And things only got worse from there. I was so miserable about it that she dumped me, and that was 9 months ago. I just could not bring myself to trust her anymore.

 

You keep running it all through your head... Why did they do it? What did it mean to them? What did I mean to them? I can relate to you wanting to hurt everyone you see who is like her. This person has caused you so much greif, you feel they deserve some of it back. My girlfriend cheated on me with a scottish guy, and still now whenever I meet someone with a scottish accent I feel uncomfortable.

 

I dont have any real answers. Learn from the mistakes that have been made. I remember reading somewhere, when you find yourself going through hell, just keep going. Be grateful for all the good things you have going for you. Try to start afresh. It sounds like this guy doesn't have much of a future (no job at 33 is a little concerning), and as they say, theres loads of fish out there.

[kellbell]

Hey lgirl,

 

I am so sorry for what happened to you. **hugs** Cheating is such a horrible thing and a very difficult thing to get past.

 

I really do not have huge words of wisdom except to take it one day at a time and realize your feelings of anger are very normal. You were wronged and you are angry about it. Have you thought about channeling your anger by taking a kick-boxing class or getting a punching bag and just going to town with it. Maybe you are feeling this way after 10 months because you have not had the opportunity to purge those ugly feelings, you kept them bottled up.

 

Everyone heals at their own pace so 10 months may be not enough time for you. I am sure you realize that this guy is a dud and you deserve so much better. A great guy for you will come along before you know it.

[lgirl]

thanks guys, but i wrote this in desperation AFTER trying so many different ways to forget (the only thing i can think of now is to OD, at least get a rest from this sickness. i am only half joking).

 

kellbell, i already do boxing training (have my own gloves and everything!!) and have plenty of opps to punch the pads imagining his (and 'her') face, plenty of these ugly feelings have already spilled out.

 

i can't stand that it is taking this long; i am losing hope with every day that passes and i feel too damaged to ever get close to a guy again (i had issues with trust before him, now it's so much worse). i dread it now, yet i can't live the rest of my life feeling so miserable and alone. i really thought he was the best guy, really decent and trustworthy, so different to any other, and i was SO wrong. i still find it hard to see he's a 'dud' as you say b/c he was only like that at the end

 

hgow could something (someone) so right turn out SO badly wrong. i just can't stand this

[kellbell]

"i can't stand that it is taking this long"

 

This statement is what is hindering your healing process. Take as long as you need. Everyone heals at his or her own pace. Also, this may sound crazy and perhaps you are not ready to even concieve this yet but forgiveness may help as well. To me, forgivness is not for the other person whom you are forgiving, it is for yourself. It is a gift to yourself as a way to heal and move on. It is okay to forgive but not forget. Not forgiving someone still allows that person to have some kind of power over you...forgiveness takes the power back. It takes a lot of strength and soul searching to do so.

 

You are doing great, keep up with the kickboxing. It helps more than you think.

 

 

"how could something (someone) so right turn out SO badly?"

 

Some wise person said " after a break-up, we always mourn the person that did not exist." Meaning we loved a person whom we THOUGHT was and not whom he/she truly was. As soon as your realize your ex and your "friend" are not the people you thought were, the easier it becomes to detatch yourself from the person and the situation.

 

Hang in there, you are doing great.

[lgirl]

thanks kellbell,

 

this may sound crazy and perhaps you are not ready to even concieve this yet but forgiveness may help as well. To me, forgivness is not for the other person whom you are forgiving, it is for yourself. It is a gift to yourself as a way to heal and move on. It is okay to forgive but not forget.

you're right it does sound CRAZY!

 

i don't understand the forgiveness concept at all - i mean i forgive myself (just about!) for ever getting involved with him, but i have never understood what people are talking about when they say by forgiving the person who sh**s on you helps you to move on and heal. sounds to me like it's just accepting their BS. i hope i can forget in time what he did to me, but i will never forgive him! what he did to me was not only unforgiveable it was totally inexcusable, so there is no way i could ever forgive him - he doesn't deserve it.

 

as for my boxing (sorry, it's not kick-boxing), i have been disappointed at how little it has helped me given all the punching i do! you'd think it would, huh? i want my coach to teach me how to beat up a man, in case i ever see my ex again (tho' my coach said he's not worth even glancing my knuckles for, haha), but i am determined to break his jaw if i ever see him again - he deserved a good beating at the time for the humiliation and cruelty he exposed me to, so he's got it coming...

 

As soon as your realize your ex and your "friend" are not the people you thought were, the easier it becomes to detatch yourself from the person and the situation.

i have had the greatest problem reconciling who he is with who i thought he was - it has been a major mindfu** b/c he turned out to be the TOTAL opposite and there was no way i could ever have known. i still can't believe it, to be honest. it was the worst shock of my life - i walked around like i had severe concussion for almost 2 months after it all went sour; i was so confused and befuddled b/c his behaviour just did not match up with who he had been up to that point...

 

this is what has been preoccupying me for the last 10 months and i still struggle to fully comprehend that is who he is - treacherous, sadistic, sleazy, passive-aggressive, vicious, weak...

 

PS what friend are you talking about???? 'she' was NOT my friend, she was his (i don't even know her)!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

anyhoo, thanks for your suggestions kellbell. i just want it to stop, but nothing seems to work. it's really upsetting me and making me feel suicidal b/c everything everyone suggests and seems to work for the people on this forum, doesn't work for me and i can't take this depression any more

[kellbell]

Hey lgirl,

 

Sorry I misunderstood your orginial post about your "friend." Yikes!

 

I wish I had better words of wisdom for you to help you feel better. **hugs** Have you thought about maybe seeing a professional about your feelings or your feelings of depression? It may not hurt to talk to one to get a opinion from someone whom is not emotionally attached to the situation.

 

I am sorry you are hurting so much about this. Feel free to PM me when ever you need to.

 

**hugs**

[NJRon]

Until you can let go of that anger, you are going to be in for a long ride. Everybody does the best they can with the information they have at any particular moment. After the moment, they may be wiser for it, they may not be wiser for it. Those that are wiser may regret their actions. Many times I have done something, I thought at the time was the best course of action. Only after the fact did I realize that it wasn't. I was wiser. I accepted repsonsibilty for my actions and grew.

 

I was cheated on... have been in quite a few relationships actually. I realize that everyone is different, so I don't carry that fear to the next relationship. I don't make the mistake of assuming that the next girl is going to be the same as the last, and give each an opportunity to be themselves and see where it goes.

 

I look back upon someone who cheated on me as misguided. It's sad that they thought they could actually get something out of it. I feel it is sad that they saw the act of cheating as the answer to some issue either with the relationship, or with themselves. While I don't necessarily agree with their decision, I recognize that they made their best decision based upon their own perception of how things were and with the information they had.

 

Some gained wisdom and felt remorse and realized that what they did was not the answer they sought. Others did not. Either way, I forgave them for being imperfect humans, as all humans are. I let go of the anger toward them and, eventually, let go of them. I did not forget though. Forgiveness does not imply that you forget what they did to you and allow them to do it again. Forgiveness just means letting go of the anger that keeps you from healing.

 

Anyway, that's how I look at things... and I move on.

[lgirl]

NJROn,

 

yes, i appreciate that the rage i feel is holding me back, but i have tried everything and i am still so angry. so how do you get rid of the anger? you talk about letting it go, but what is that? HOW?

 

i commend you on your attitude, but it sounds a million miles from where i am or will ever be.

I look back upon someone who cheated on me as misguided. It's sad that they thought they could actually get something out of it. I feel it is sad that they saw the act of cheating as the answer to some issue either with the relationship, or with themselves. While I don't necessarily agree with their decision, I recognize that they made their best decision based upon their own perception of how things were and with the information they had.

my ex did NOT make the best decision - he allowed himself to end up in a situation he could have avoided. it was his anger towards me that led him there; he betrayed me in the heat of that temper, which frankly he could have (SHOULD HAVE) controlled. he wasn't even interested in 'her' - she could have been anyone; it was a comfort thing and she was so desperate to get with him, she stoked his ego (to my detriment), wound him up about me, made me the bad guy...

 

rather than being 'misguided', he lost himself, was lost when he did that to me (any act of betrayal means you have lost yrself), but i am finding myself thru it...but what a price i have had to pay and i resent it! i have never regretted something so much before - i wish i had never met him.

 

anyhoo, i am still confused by yr advice - i understand about letting go of anger (the theory b/c i don't know how - simply wanting to doesn't seem to be enough. please tell me how), but forgiveness means "ceasing to blame another for their actions; pardoning their mistake". how does that square with what you say? i can never do that

[NJRon]

I'm not saying that he made THE best decision. I'm saying he made HIS best decision. YOUR decision would probably have been much better. I don't doubt that one bit.

 

At the time, the information he had to work with was filled with anger. And he acted upon it. I agree that it was worng, but it was the best that he could do with the information he had at the time and has nothing to do with the information you had.

 

You let go of the anger when you realize that it has nothing to do with you. It is all him. You let HIM go. With your anger you are showing that you actually care what he thinks about you. You are angry that he hurt you because you want him to not want to hurt you. You are still attached to him.

 

When you realize that HE doesn't matter... in any sense. Neither good nor bad. When you allow apathy to set in. You see the action for what it was. An action. An action which you may choose to react to or not. Don't allow the action to continue to control your emotions. You are in control of your emotions.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think anyone can explain letting go... Buddhists spend years, lifetimes, trying to learn how to let go of their attachments. It is only through a sudden realization that it clicks. Sometimes it happens immediately, sometimes never.

 

If it helps, pretend he has a brain tumor that makes him act like a sociopath, doing bad things again and again and never realizing it. Feel sad that he doesn't have the maturity and wisdom that you have. Pity him that he will never have what you have. Just like you can't blame a person with such a condition, stop blaming him. It doesn't mean you have to like him, accept him or his actions, but separate them. That's a start.

 

People are affected by different things in different ways. What may affect me horribly might have no effect to you, and vice versa. It only affects you to the extent that you allow it to. As you drop your attachments, things affect you less and less. You are disappointed because your expectations were not met. He was incapable of meeting them (not saying your expectations are set too high, just saying he couldn't meet those expectations). You cannot blame people for being unable to meet your expectations. They are YOUR expectations and, thereforeeee, YOU are in control of them and YOU allow their another's failure to meet them affect YOU to whatever extent you wish it to.

 

It's really tough to explain how I think about this stuff. I will have to work on it, as it's a hard concept to put into words. I'm afraid it has been no help at all. I also hope this doesn't come off sounding harsh, because your feelings are valid for you and, in the end, I don't think anyone can explain to someone how to manage their feelings... trying to communicate about emotions through intellect is pretty darn hard

[lgirl]

hey NJRon,

 

thanks for clarifying what you said.

 

You let go of the anger when you realize that it has nothing to do with you. It is all him. You let HIM go. With your anger you are showing that you actually care what he thinks about you. You are angry that he hurt you because you want him to not want to hurt you. You are still attached to him.

HOW? yes, you are absolutely right, i do care about what he thinks of me and i don't know how to undo that. how do i unravel myself, unattach myself from him, from that. no, i didn't want him to hurt me and i didn't ever think he could be so callous and cruel. it's one thing to split up, quite another to be needlessly vicious and cruel...

 

When you realize that HE doesn't matter... in any sense. Neither good nor bad. When you allow apathy to set in. You see the action for what it was. An action. An action which you may choose to react to or not. Don't allow the action to continue to control your emotions. You are in control of your emotions.

apathy is what has stopped me getting on with my life, is what has kept me feeling like roadkill, so apathetic unable to get back up and fight back. how does apathy help? it's making me suicidal. again, i ask HOW do you get to that realisation. i cannot separate out the hurt and those few moments when i do i realise what a piecve of sh** he must be to have acted like that, which just fills me with bitterbness and hurt and the whole cycle starts up again

 

If it helps, pretend he has a brain tumor that makes him act like a sociopath, doing bad things again and again and never realizing it. Feel sad that he doesn't have the maturity and wisdom that you have. Pity him that he will never have what you have. Just like you can't blame a person with such a condition, stop blaming him. It doesn't mean you have to like him, accept him or his actions, but separate them. That's a start.

that's a good suggestion, tho' how when as far as i'm concerned he's entirely to blame for this whole toxic mess?

 

ou are disappointed because your expectations were not met. He was incapable of meeting them (not saying your expectations are set too high, just saying he couldn't meet those expectations). You cannot blame people for being unable to meet your expectations. They are YOUR expectations and, thereforeeee, YOU are in control of them and YOU allow their another's failure to meet them affect YOU to whatever extent you wish it to.

but HE created these expectations by telling me he would do certain stuff for me, by telling me all kinds of things to make me believe he was good, wanted to marry me, have children, the works. i was no pushover in this respect and he went all out to prove how genuine he was. tghe expectations i have he made, so where does that leave me? why wouldn't i expect someone to fulfill expectations HE said he would carry out; bottom line - i wouldn't have had any expectations if he hadn't made me believe them. also, if you are in a r/shp i don't think it's too much to expect that person is faithful to you (especially one who declares himself to be a one-woman man!) or that they reciprocate their feelings otherwise what is the point?

 

i better stop here. i am just getting more upset and feeling sicker in my heart. thanks for trying to explain. i'm sure you're right, i just don't see HOW to apply it to my situation, sorry

[yeawutever]

There comes a time where u gonna have to let that anger go over, he's ur ex now, good to hear. U aren't with a loser no more. U'll find a nice guy but if u keep on getting reminded of ur bad experience, u'll do nothing but scare guys away. Seriously don't u have other things, other activites, priorities, wut else do u do besides thinking of this one person that hurt you?? Not letting that anger go away and holding that grude can affect you both physically and mentally and u might need to get to counseling.

[dizziest]

I think you need to accept that it happened. That you met him, that he cheated, all of it. Once you have accepted it then you can move past it. Forgiveness is not an option. You will not forgive him ever ever. You are better off without him.

[LotusFlower]

My ex cheated on me... i stayed with him aftewards for 3 more years. I as devestated... i also realize now that I was not a perfect person either. However, in trying to forgive him, and even with him trying very hard...i could not. I was angry, i imagined curb checking her and killing him too like you said. I would have loved to klobber him with a frying pan. I loved him, don't get me wrong. But I was angry and the lack of forgiveness from my part killed me, i woke up pissed everyday, faught about little things, didnt' respect him anymore and on and on...

I finally kicked him out, he didnt' want to go and it was a 6 mo breakup...very painfull...but i was sick of beeing angry all the time. Now...he is gone as of 6 mo ago...i am still adjusting, but i have no one to be mad at...no one...only me now, and i am able to see things so differently.

 

You have to do what feels good... if you aren't the type to forgive, it may eat you alive like it did me. Things happen for a reason...now i look at his cheating as a blessing in disguise, made me learn alot.

 

good luck.

[lgirl]

thanks guys!

 

dizziest

I think you need to accept that it happened. That you met him, that he cheated, all of it. Once you have accepted it then you can move past it. Forgiveness is not an option. You will not forgive him ever ever. You are better off without him.

hahaha, you are right about that - i will never forgive him. just finding it hard to accept and i don't know why. guess i can't get my head around how spectacularly it went wrong. it's not about the fact we broke up, just what and HOW he went about things; i could never have imagined how callous he is as a person. i got him so wrong. i know now he was a mistake and i need to learn from the mistake i made and move on. but it feels like i'm serving some kind of prison sentence to be honest.

 

LotusFlower - i hear you! i think the i woulda reacted exactly the same as you. i lost so much respect for him, i know my anger would've affected things big time. but i also think some of that anger is actually anger towards myself too. it's like part of me now thinks he is such a FOOL, but not as big a fool as me for ever getting involved with him, ya know? yes, i have learned a lot, but i feel it's been too high a price to pay for what it was and i resent it...

[Desperatelover76]

well good on ya

[Desperatelover76]

Your right giving you up is foolish