Seeing Other People

[curlygirl47]

Okay --- so the ex and I are apparently going to be spending time together, dating, sleeping together, etc. but without any commitment. He wants to be free to date other people, and I don't want to see anybody but him. That's the bottom line. And I have to decide if I can accept things this way. I know I can't accept it long term, but I might be able to manage it for maybe three months and give him a chance to re-think the situation. I was planning to move away this summer anyway, if we didn't work out, because I don't want to be where he is, in the same little town, if we're not together. So maybe I should just play things his way until then, and then head out of town and try to forget him if nothing changes by this summer. The thing is, I would never have agreed to this in the past. It goes against my values and makes me feel undervalued and underappreciated. I think it insults me. For instance, it makes me feel ill to think of him with someone else, and if it doesn't make him ill to think of me with someone else, well doesn't that mean he doesn't love me? On the other hand, should I even expect someone who has known me for only four months to love me?

 

Blaise Harris, author of How to Get Your Lover Back, says that if the long-term goal is a committed love bond, it doesn't do any good to cut the relationship off completely or make demands that the ex stop seeing other people. He does say that we should not live with the person unless he stops seeing other people --- but if we are just dating, then we kind of have to accept that the person is trying to figure out what he wants and that he has the right to choose who he will love.

 

I don't know. Any thoughts on "seeing other people"?

[DN]

It sounds to me as if this is a recipe for you to get your heart broken on a regular basis for two or three months. I would not advise you to agree to this for one moment.

[RayKay]

The thing is, I would never have agreed to this in the past. It goes against my values and makes me feel undervalued and underappreciated. I think it insults me. For instance, it makes me feel ill to think of him with someone else, and if it doesn't make him ill to think of me with someone else, well doesn't that mean he doesn't love me?

 

That there is answering your own question really.

 

Don't do something that only goes against your own values and feelings, and you already know will hurt you and that makes you feel insulted. Sounds to me like the only thing this will do is have him having regular sex no strings attached, and you being heartbroken many times over.

 

How good would you feel sleeping with him and finding out you are not the only one? What if he gave you an STD?

 

Being his "backup" won't "prove" to him how worth his commitment you are, why would he bother even if he has you anyway without it?

 

Honestly my thoughts are....the ship is going under and out of pride you are staying onboard despite the rescue chopper being right there..you just need to make the choice to grab the rope and get out of there.

 

Don't settle for leftovers sweetie, when you want the full meal. There are other restaurants out there, whom will BE HAPPY to serve you and sit with you alone.

[hosswhispra]

Totally unacceptable, curlygirl47. He gets his cake and gets to eat it too. What do you get out of it? You deserve better and can get better.Stay strong!hosswhispra

[curlygirl47]

Well, wait a minute. I get the sex, too. And I'm totally not interested in having sex with anyone else. And he was committed to me for four months (exclusive), so he can be. His ex-wife came along and did a lot of crying and pleading and begging and got him confused, thinking he was wrong to be divorced because of their son, etc. This was when he pulled back from me (and from her, by the way) and thought he just needed to have no relationship at all. I know what you are all saying is true, but I do get something out of this relationship, even if it isn't everything I want right now.

[LiquidCherry]

So basically he told you that you're not enough because he still wants to date other people and believe me, this will only go on for as long as it takes him to find someone else. What a pig. People here have posted time and time again about an ex having their cake and eating it too.. This is the best example I can think of. I can't believe how selfish he is. If he really cared about you, even if he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't string you along in such a cruel and intentional way.

 

The first thing I thought when I read this was that you would be putting yourself at a major risk of contracting an STD.. Even if he used protection with everyone he slept with including yourself you'd still be taking a chance.

 

And how would you feel if you had a date with him on Saturday night but you knew it wasn't on Friday because he was "busy" with somebody else?

 

There's a difference between stepping back and taking things slow to make a relationship work and running in the opposite direction. Don't settle for anything less than what you want and believe me (because you said it yourself) this isn't what you want. You deserve SOOOOO much more.

[Scout]

The thing is, I would never have agreed to this in the past. It goes against my values and makes me feel undervalued and underappreciated. I think it insults me.

 

There are few things sadder in life than seeing someone do something against their true values. Essentially, they are selling themselves out, right down the river, when they do this.

 

What's more, the emotional toll on us when we lose respect for ourselves can take a long time to recover from.

 

I think if you make a clean break now, you will go through intense heartache, but the kind you can get over because you kept your self-respect. If you go with your ex's option, like DN says, you will be setting yourself up for prolonged heartache and grief, with dislike towards yourself and a damaged self-esteem to boot.

 

So essentially, the situation will turn from just your ex causing you pain, to you also causing yourself pain.

 

There is no way you deserve that.

[hosswhispra]

Curlygirl47- you deserve way better! In my opinion, why prolong the inevitable? He should be bringing you roses....This guy is being wishy washy and in essense, you are in limbo. He does not deserve you.

 

hosswhispra

[RayKay]

Well, wait a minute. I get the sex, too. And I'm totally not interested in having sex with anyone else. And he was committed to me for four months (exclusive), so he can be. His ex-wife came along and did a lot of crying and pleading and begging and got him confused, thinking he was wrong to be divorced because of their son, etc. This was when he pulled back from me (and from her, by the way) and thought he just needed to have no relationship at all. I know what you are all saying is true, but I do get something out of this relationship, even if it isn't everything I want right now.

He can be...but he isn't. "Dating other people" is not exclusive. That is the whole point isn't it?

 

You are not interested in having sex with someone else because you are still grieving him, if you move on, you will find you can be interested in someone else.

 

It's your choice, but he made the decision to NOT be committed and exclusive to you. Just be aware you are putting yourself at risk. If you are "actually fine" with him dating others the do as you wish...but if you were fine, you would not say it went against your values.

 

Personally, I don't know why you would settle for scraps he throws at you, for me "something" is not good enough. But your choice.

 

I just don't see why you would compromise the values you say you hold, and choose to be "undervalued and insulted". People treat us as we aloow them to treat us.

[curlygirl47]

But I'm going to be thinking about what you've advised, and I'm definitely going to address the issue with my ex at some point. I'll just have to get my courage up to tell him exactly how this makes me feel, I guess.

[LiquidCherry]

Well, wait a minute. I get the sex, too.

 

The sex you'll be getting is no commodity.

 

What you are getting out of this isn't sex ,it's someone who sleeps not only with you but with other people too.

[hosswhispra]

Kick him to the curb, curlygirl47...you don't need a luke warm relationship like this one. It'll only bring your self-esteem way down...and like RayKay said take you longer to recover. It's your life and you deserve and can do way better.

 

hosswhispra

[NJRon]

Knowingly doing something that goes against your values will do you so much more harm to your self image than anything anyone else can ever do to you.

 

I know you're going to do what you want to do... but I have done things against my values in the past and, though I didn't know it at the time, it has really done a number on me and will take a long time for me to recover my self-respect. The more you exercise willpower, the stronger it gets... the more you throw it to the curb, the weaker it gets. Pretty soon you start losing your values. You lose your boundaries and you lose yourself. You become whatever someone else wants you to be, just so you can feel as if you are something valuable.

 

This is some really hot fire you're playing with.

[Dako]

Curlygirl,

There's a great guy out there who won't play these games with you.

Go find him.

 

Hanging around for this guy to throw you a bone is degrading.

[annie24]

Why are you trying to talk yourself into this crappy arrangement?????

 

forget it. there are men out there that will date you and be committed to you. Don't settle for someone else's leftovers.

[TiredMan]

I don't think this is the case of him wanting to have his cake and eat it too like some here suggest. If he wanted you to remain faithful while he slept around, then THAT would be having his cake and eating it too. You said he wants both of you to not be held back from seeing others.

 

Why did you break up in the first place? Who broke up with who? If you answered it, I'm sorry, I didn't see it.

[annie24]

I don't think this is the case of him wanting to have his cake and eat it too like some here suggest. If he wanted you to remain faithful while he slept around, then THAT would be having his cake and eating it too. You said he wants both of you to not be held back from seeing others.

 

Why did you break up in the first place? Who broke up with who? If you answered it, I'm sorry, I didn't see it.

 

ahh... true.

 

Ok, well, if she wants a committed relationship and he doesn't, then giving him NSA sex for 3 months while he decides isn't the best thing for her. After all, why would he commit to her if he's getting what he wants from her and 5 other women? Like grandma used to say, "Why buy the cow...."

[Lady Bugg]

Curly, when I read your post I actually CRINGED. Literally.

 

What is your goal here? To prove to him that you ALLOWING him to screw (pardon my language) someone else, that somehow you are worthy of him???

All that says to him, is that you are OK with him having things on HIS terms. That's it. In 3 months..or whatever....if you say.."well youhad your fun, now what about US"? He is going to think you're smoking crack.

The fact is YOU are setting this precedent..NOT him. If you walk away right NOW, and say..NO way ..NO how am I ever accepting crumbs...he will KNOW you are not going to accept crumbs. If you accept his crumbs NOW...he is ONLY going to assume you are happy on a diet of steady crumbs. Period. It is up to YOU to show him this. He is simply doing whatever he can get away with.

 

It's your life.....YOU have to live with the consequences.......but I think you should SERIOUSLY reconsider this.

[annie24]

Like the authors of "He's just not that into you" would say:

 

"Madam Curie - What kind of strange experiment are you doing to your emotions with this man???"

[curlygirl47]

To answer a few of the questions (and horrified gasps): We were exclusive for 4 months, and then he kind of went wacko over the holidays because of his ex-wife's pleading and his son's wanting his parents back together. I was shocked and devasted when he pulled back from me, but I kind of brought it on myself because when I sensed him pulling back, I told him that he was not obligated to me unless his heart obligated him to me --- and I still mean that. What good is an obligation for obligation's sake? I hoped, of course, that he would find that his heart does obligate him.

 

Look --- I just love this guy and I want to save the relationship, and I'm a little overwhelmed by my feelings and by my loneliness and by the suddenness of these choices I'm being forced to make. I did no contact for two weeks, hoping he would come back, and he has --- and we've only had two dates since then (one dinner, one lunch --- and yes, some sex), and we haven't talked about the relationship. I'm just assuming he is either: 1)thinking we can do this thing casually or 2) re-thinking whether he wants a life without me in it and whether he's willing to commit to an exclusive relationship. I know I'm in a terrible place. PLease be patient with my self-esteem problems; I do know what I'm worth. It's just that we were really happy, and I miss what we had together. I'm wanting it back and trying to make it happen, I guess.

[DN]

It is usually a mistake to agree to something that is hurtful to us in the hope that a partner will either stay with us or come back to us.

 

I can almost guarantee that you would regret agreeing to this.

[curlygirl47]

I do think it's a good sign that he is willing to travel with me for the weekend to see my daughter and my mother; surely that reveals a certain willingness to be on a different level with me. I think I am at least going to go ahead with the weekend plans, and then talk to him about what we are going to do or not do.

[hosswhispra]

Hello curlygirl47-

 

You are definitely going through a difficult time and my thoughts are with you. However, in my opinion (again, this is MY opinion)...I would not continue to have sex with this man---at least until he says to you that he wants to commit with you.

 

Prayers,

hosswhispra

[curlygirl47]

I hear you. I'm weak where he's concerned --- and I don't know if you've seen my other posts related to this, but the situation is complicated by my fellow's sexual problems. He has some pretty significant problems and feels very insecure about it, takes Viagra and all that (and it doesn't make a lot of difference), so part of the problem is he's afraid of being left, so he does the leaving first. In case you're wondering, I'm 99% sure he will have this problem with any woman; it's not because he's not attracted to me. He's very aroused by me, in a heartbeat. He worries all the time about whether he's "satisfying me" and even says so during the sex. Also, I'm so tired of moving on to yet another man and trying again. Can you see how that makes me feel just as used and horrible, when the relationship fails? I really and truly am about to give up dating altogether rather than try this again.

[Songbird]

Curlygirl,

Your post has gotten a lot of people worried about you. One of my exes did screw around with his ex wife before we were together. He told me that it was easy, accessible, no strings attached. Did it make him respect her more, hell no! Did it make him want to be closer to her, hell no! It was just sex & no more. It was only a physical release (one step up from jer*ing off that's all) If you are truly OK with this, then go ahead. But please don't expect it to change his feelings about you.

Hope you reconsider & think about your wellbeing.

(I really don't mean to be crude about this, I'm not in your shoes, just be sure of what you're getting into.)