God vs. My Relationship

[merickso]

Hello,

 

I have posted 3 or 4 times over the last day, to get used to talking with people about this. 5 days ago my ex and I split up and 1 hour after she got back from a family trip.We were together for a year, basically, and I jumped in to my relationship with her shortly after my breakup with my exex, who I was with for 4 years. So, the reason she gave me for wanting to break up was that she doesn't feel that God is a priority in our relationship, and she feels that, eventhough she loves me and wants to be with me and marry me (she has been talking about marriage lots with me in the last 4 months), she thinks that we are wrong to be together if God isnt a priorty.

 

I am not exactly Mr. Religious, nor do I talk about my feelings towards God very often, but I dont mind going to church with her and I do believe in God. Basically, things were going great between us. we've talked about the God problem before, and I knew that she wanted more of it in our relationship, but then she just comes back from her trip and drops the bomb on me. I have talked to her 3 or 4 times in the last 5 days, all of which end with her crying and saying "sorry, i love you and I want you, but I need to find God". I cant help but think that her family made her feel guilty (they are VERY religious and she moved back home last month and I am not even allowed in her room in the middle of the day and we are both in our 20s!).

 

I have tried to reason with her by telling her that we love eachother and it cant be wrong to love eachother - that theres no way God would let us love eachother if it were wrong, but she just keeps insisting that she needs to find God again. I even told her that we can do it together (i dont know if I was just saying that to get her back or because I really meant it).

 

So, now I am faced with the question - Do I wait? Do I try to find what she is looking for eventhough it is not something that I see has a huge necessity in my life? Does she really plan to get back with me? My last girlfriend of 4 years left me for someone else, so I cant help but wonder about my current ex... not to mention to same cant eat, cant sleep, can barely handle the NC. Well, thats where I am at. She wanted to see me yesterday so I prepared myself, and was on my way when she phoned and said she had changed her mind and that she would call in a few days. I love her and we were so great together. I just hate being given just enough to keep holding on, but not enough to have her.

 

Just wanted to get it out.

[ocrob]

That is such a tough situation. My ex became a born again Christian and said that we were not on the same spiritual level. She broke up with me and would always say that if it was God's Will, we would be together. She would say that she would pray about it. It was pretty interesting to me how after we broke up, she seemed to slip alot in her religious beliefs. I don't know what to tell you because these people that leave things to God may not always see the signs. I don't think you can push your will on her. You offered to take more of an interest in religion and that demonstrates your love for her. I think you will just have to see if she comes to you and not wait around.

[merickso]

thanks. she says that EXACT same thing... "if its Gods Will", but what I dont get is every religious/christian person I know says that love comes from God, which makes me angry when she says that its wrong for us to be together. I now that we have broken up, its like i have forgotten all of the bad things about her (normal, irritable traits that everyone has) and all I can think of is how perfect she is, etc, etc... and, more so, I picture her with some priest's son that she doesnt have as much fun with and she doesnt love as much, but that she feels that she is doing Gods Will more.

[Day_Walker]

Your problem is fairly simple in that it is common, not exactly this situation but what really is the problem here is that your ex gf does not have any idea what she wants. She is being torn in different directions. The problem is that she needs to make a choice as to the kind of life that she wants to lead. It doesnt look good for you until she makes a choice as to what she wants to do. If it looks like she wants to strengthen her relationship with God then, unless you have that same priority in life then it doesnt look good for your relationship with her.

[chai714]

People will use almost anything in the book to justify breaking up. I see using God as a reason is just plain wrong. She can be into religion and have a boyfriend at the same time. If she couldn't, then there wouldn't be any married people who attend church!

 

Don't buy her excuse. If you do get back with her, realize that her parents will probably still have a very high influence on her and you will be swimming against the current. So, tell her that you can't compete with God and wish her good luck.

[ravens_folly]

yeah I don't get that. God doesn't choose who we fall in love with, or who we marry. We do!! But God is a part of that if you choose for him to be.

[Derek]

Don't pressure her, tell her you are a seeker and you want to investigate the truth in your own time. Would she let you do that?

 

Tell her you are happy with how things are and you don't want to pressure her in any direction, nor impose expectations on her.

 

Don't be possessive, even if "God" is the "other guy".

 

You might salvage it. But the other hand is, if she is following a new path, maybe it really is so different from yours and you have to accept it, that she is a new person (or trying to be).

 

People change.

 

 

[merickso]

well, i gave her the "we make our own decisions in life, and we make choice that effect the rest of our lives... so if you want to be with me and you want to love me and you want to marry me, then do it." Also, one point I gave to her is that she couldnt "find god" when i wasnt around and she was by herself and she couldnt find god when we were together, so why does she have to choose trying by herself??

 

Anyway, I miss her so much, and we all know how that goes. I am literally fighting to not contact her. She gave me the "I'll call you in a few days".

 

I KNEW that if she went away with her parents this would happen... and here I am now.

[heloladies21]

Religion has nothing to do with the break up, it's a cover up for the real reason. She's just confused about her feelings about you and doesn't even know why, but she has to give you some kind of reason. Just don't buy the excuse.

 

Here's what to do, if you're strong enough go into No Contact. That means no emails, texts, calls, nothing going either way. That means not picking up or replying if she contacts you. Give her a couple of weeks to let her figure out what she really wants and it will also let you cool down so you can deal with the situation better. In the meantime start talking to other girls. Just conversation if that's all you want, but at least something.

 

If you can't do this, call her up right now and tell her how you feel. Pour out your heart and tell her that you want to get back together. Do this as many times as it takes until you convince yourself that No Contact is the way to go. It's a bottom some have to hit before they can make the climb back up.

 

Do not just hang around and wait otherwise you will just be stringing yourself along till she drops you for good.

[valenski]

Its astonding she never considered that the reason she was with you was to help you find God? For her to teach you to love God even more than you love her? Maybe its God's will for her to show you the way, sometimes we look for God's plan for us everywhere else except right under our nose.

 

Sorry to hear about that But if she believes that thats God's will...

[Bethany]

I think if you take away God, you will get 'I'm looking for something else, something more, that I just can't find in you. I need some space for 'God' to show me the way because I don't know if I want you or if you are the one for me'. .......That's what I think anyway.

[Darketernal]

I would say to her that God is love ,and that it would be like killing God if she stops the love that you have for eachother in your relationship. That you are willing to make any change and help her finding God, *maby even talk with the family about their desires on what they want from you on a religious level* , if she still goes something like no i need to find God, then its just an exuse to dump you.

[merickso]

thats for the advice, and I have been telling myself all of the same things.. I have thought at talking to the family, I have thought about pouring my heart out, I have thought about the no contact. i guess it still blows me away that 3 weeks ago she was continually asking me when I was going to marry her and when I thought we would have kids... then she leaves for 2 weeks, and then she breaks up with me. Anyway, I'll start the NC tomorrow (I already talked with her today of course). It just hurts to think of her not needing to call me, text me, etc...

thanks.

[Iceman26]

Religion has nothing to do with the break up, it's a cover up for the real reason. She's just confused about her feelings about you and doesn't even know why, but she has to give you some kind of reason. Just don't buy the excuse.

 

I am in agreement with this, however I think she knows why and isn't telling him. Something happened on her family trip that she isn't telling you about.....it could be her parents. What are they like?

 

If I were you, I wouldn't wait around. She sounds like a follower of the Reverend Jim Jones. I understand what you are going through, but would you really want to marry/have children with someone who dumps you over something as goofy as that?

 

She clearly either has a lot of growing up to do, some serious issues to resolve, or some psychiatric counseling to undertake.

 

Pouring your feelings out won't do any good. You didn't do anything wrong. You even supported her beliefs. This is all about her. Leave her alone, and make sure you think twice about reinvesting your feelings into someone like her if the opportunity arises.

 

Good luck.

[merickso]

Iceman26, you asked what her parents are like. They are quite religious, would freak out if me and her went on a trip together, and dont even have a clue that my ex has slept with 3 people already. They are kind people, though, and have been polite to me, but I know from her and others (my best friend is married to my ex's cousin so I hear ALL of the family gossip) that they dont really think i am christian enough. Someone mentioned 'something happening' on the trip, but I am confident that nothing did. She was there with her parents and her cousin (my best friends sister in law) and, although they are both very attractive girls, are NOT the type to do anything to be worried about on a trip.

 

You make a good point about whether or not I want to be with someone who would break up with me over something like this. I have thought about it a few times and right now I think "yes, of course I want to be with her", but deep down I wonder after this. She just keeps saying (we have spoke either through IM or phone once a day for the last 5 days) that she loves me and wants to be with me and wants it to work... but I cant handle waiting for an answer when i am almost certain what the outcome will be. Its just that every time she spends no time with me and lots of time with her family, i always end up being the problem.

[Iceman26]

It always will be a problem.

 

It sounds like your ex is living a double life. First with her parents, and then with you. Not good.

 

Dating extremely religious people when you (like myself) aren't religious is extremely difficult. I believe in God, however I don't believe nor go or would go to church.

 

Imagine the kind of arguments you would have with her parents and with her about how to raise your children in that kind of an atmosphere.

 

In the end, you both want to respect each other religious beliefs. Obviously, she isn't cool with your laid back view of religion, yet you are cool with her about her beliefs. That should give you something to consider my friend.

[merickso]

valid point. I guess i just hate to admit it, but I suppose we shouldnt be together. I hate to even say it, because then i feel that I have no excuse to break NC, and no excuse to be upset. Also, I have a direct connection with her family as, like I said above, my bestfriend is married to her cousin, and I hear all of the family gossip... now I am the family gossip.

 

What are your thoughts on me telling her its over? should I do that? or should i just leave it as she left with the "I want it to work out and I'll call you in a couple of weeks"....?

[heloladies21]

Just stay silent for now. You're in no shape to make any kind of decision. Let her be and YOU think things over. Never make rash emotional decisions. I'm serious, 2 weeks, and start talkig to other girls. It will clear your head. Force yourself if you have to.

[merickso]

thank you for your advice. thats my move as of right now.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

She sounds a little too obsessive, like the relationship would be difficult anyway...maybe over time youll come to realize that you are being liberated from this in a way?

 

Bear in mind that whilst Im heavily into Philosophy and religion, its from a academic viewpoint...Im not at all Christian so I don't think Id understand...sounds a bit of an excuse to me though.

[Iceman26]

Also, I have a direct connection with her family as, like I said above, my bestfriend is married to her cousin, and I hear all of the family gossip... now I am the family gossip.

 

What are your thoughts on me telling her its over? should I do that? or should i just leave it as she left with the "I want it to work out and I'll call you in a couple of weeks"....?

 

1) What will help you is to tell your best friend you don't want to hear about her, or the family, etc, until you feel ready to hear about it again. If he is your best buddy, he should understand and respect your wishes.

 

2) I don't think you "need" to tell her anything. She already told you enough, and that is that she is either a religious psycho or she is lying about why she broke up with you.

 

The best thing I feel for you to do is reflect on all this wishy-washiness she is showing you and decide if YOU would even want to have a life with someone who would treat you this way. As I said earlier, can you imagine being married to her and her pulling a stunt like that?

[merickso]

I know the answer... its no, no I would not want to be treated like that and no I dont want to have to wonder EVERY time she brings up religion if she is going to break up with me again. Sometimes I feel so low that I have even considered just giving in and becoming what she wants, which i will not do, but the thought is there.

NC is tough.

[Iceman26]

Sometimes I feel so low that I have even considered just giving in and becoming what she wants, which i will not do, but the thought is there.

 

Well, you need to pull yourself out of that line of thinking my friend. If you became what she wanted, then you would be living a lie, and the relationship would be based on a falsehood and you may grow to resent her because you are being what she wants you to be, not who you truly are.

[merickso]

i know, i just think of all the options to be with her... but I know I can not do that.

[friscodj]

I had a similar situation happen to me about 5 years ago. I was crazy about this woman and we had a really good thing going. Next thing I know, she becomes confused, says our relationship is great but that she "just can't do it anymore, it's not what God wants", then leaves a semester before graduating with an engineering degree...and moves to a different state to essentially start all over and go to a Baptist college... I haven't seen or heard hide-nor-hair from her since...

 

So in reference to a post here that says something to the effect of "God is not the real reason she broke up with you", let me assure you, God can most certainly be the reason...

 

You can't reason with someone when it comes to love, you just can't. And some questions have answers you will never find, no matter how hard you look for them...

 

My advice? Really, all you can do is walk away from that one, throw your arms out, look up to the sky, shake your head...and laugh...