GF told me Id always be "on the sidelines"

[RandomAdvisor]

Has anything new happened since your last conversation with her?

[therealshrek]

Has anything new happened since your last conversation with her?

no, we havent really talked much. shes off in her own world because she is so busy with school and work. thanks for asking though

[Setter5]

Screw her. What a selfish person! She will have these issues FOREVER!

[RandomAdvisor]

Seriously man, it's time to break up with her. She told you that you would never be a top priority in her life. After talking to her about it days later and expressing your concerns, what does she do? She says the exact same thing, only not quite as bluntly.

 

Now you are in relationship limbo with her because she was honest. You're not a priority in her life. School and work are occupying most of her time, and if you're lucky you'll get the table scraps.

 

Is this the kind of thing you told yourself you wanted out of a relationship before you met her? I bet not. So why are you putting up with it? Because you love her? Someone who abuses your love like this doesn't deserve it.

[therealshrek]

well thank you all again for taking your time to help me with my woes. 3 months have passed and things started to look really good with my gf. then several days ago, she told me that she was breaking up with me for my sake, saying that she just doesnt have the time or willpower to keep a relationship and make me a priority in her life and doesnt want me to hurt because of her negligence, so she feels that breaking up with me now will save me from further pain down the road.

 

i dont even know how to feel. i guess i should have seen this coming all along. we just got an apartment together that we were going to move into in August... now this is gonna be a huge mess...

[RayKay]

I am sorry to hear that, I think it was pretty apaprent though that you two were on very different wavelengths which unfortunateky were incompatible with one another. When she did that, it was also her way of saying she did not WANT to make you a priority either. And you certainly deserve better than that!

 

Well, I guess the obvious advice is to either have only one of you move in the apartment and take over the lease, or sublet it to someone else entirely!

[Tigris]

I agree with everything RayKay's said.

 

Also, you need a partner/spouse in the future who'll meet you half way in everything and will make you their no.1 priority. I hope you meet them soon.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Mavh25]

if your planning to marry this girl you cant just walk away, there is a reason that ring is on her finger and you need to rekindle that, you need to really talk about the situation. Sounds like she is making excuses while she is unhappy and cant put her finger on it, talk to her

[novaseeker]

I honestly think you are better off without this person. She has different priorities than you do at this point in her life, and that will lead to a lot of pain for you. You deserve someone who will meet you half way at least, as Tigris said, and not someone who wants you along for their own ride.

 

I'm sorry that this has happened, I know it's hard to deal with, but in the end you will be better off.

[OceanEyes]

i dont even know how to feel. i guess i should have seen this coming all along. we just got an apartment together that we were going to move into in August... now this is gonna be a huge mess...

 

You're going to be okay. That's probably not going to be of much comfort to you right now, considering what a blow this must have been - but I STILL believe that you are probably coming out ahead in all this.

 

Honestly? Considering that she actually told you that you weren't a top priority, I am not overly surprised with her actions. You really have to think about that hun - are you REALLY all that surprised? I mean ... speaking as a woman, an attached woman - hell - as a human being! I'd have to say that I would never, EVER tell a man I cared for that he wasn't #1.

 

There shouldn't be any competitions in life for who is most (and least) important in your life. We give attention, affection, and respect to whom we please. She made her choice, so please, save your love for someone who is receptive to it. You DESERVE to be loved and cared for in a way that you need to be. We all do!

[therealshrek]

thank u all...

[therealshrek]

I'm having the hardest time doing NC. I was fine these last couple days, but this morning she emailed me to say that she doesnt want to deal with anything involving me at the moment until the end of the month, at least. im stressing about it because we had a big camping trip planned for the 26th-29th of this month, which I cant get my deposit back for, and I really dont want to go because I have no one else to go with (all my friends are busy those days). Then we have a trip to Yosemite in the summer thats all reserved and practically paid for (by me), and a couple concerts, which she has the tickets for and I am stuck with the bills for. Plus I lent her a large sum of money. Add in the apartment situation, and I just dont know what to do. I need to talk to her about all of this stuff, but she doesnt want to talk. I told her if she wants me out of her life like she wants, we need to clear this all up before she can do so. Man, this is the worst.

 

SOrry, had to rant

 

thank you all for your time and help.

[DN]

In your place I would tell her that not talking about the relationship is fine because you consider that over anyway. But that you do need to talk about how she intends to repay the money that she owes you. You may have to take a hit on the trips and the concerts but in the long run that will be a small price to pay for getting this woman out of your life.

 

Do you have any sort of proof that she owes you money?

[OceanEyes]

I think that DN is absolutely right about the money.

 

It's not up to her whether or not she wants to "deal with it". It's your life, and your finances too.

 

When you approach her about this, I would say something like, "I want you to know that I understand that things are over, but I do feel that discussing the money situation is fair to me". And it is.

[therealshrek]

In your place I would tell her that not talking about the relationship is fine because you consider that over anyway. But that you do need to talk about how she intends to repay the money that she owes you. You may have to take a hit on the trips and the concerts but in the long run that will be a small price to pay for getting this woman out of your life.

 

Do you have any sort of proof that she owes you money?

the only proof i have are the receipts that show i paid with my credit card and she has the tickets for the concerts. as for the other money i lent her, no proof. she isnt the kind of person to not pay back cash, but just takes forever and im afraid if she keeps delaying paying me back, its just gonna be a link to her that i dont want.

 

I think that DN is absolutely right about the money.

 

It's not up to her whether or not she wants to "deal with it". It's your life, and your finances too.

 

When you approach her about this, I would say something like, "I want you to know that I understand that things are over, but I do feel that discussing the money situation is fair to me". And it is.

I tried approaching her already like that, stating that I dont even want to discuss the relationship, just the money situation, and she told me to wait till the end of the month before she'll even think about it. guess I cant do anything but wait...

 

thank you both. i truly appreciate it

[DN]

Well, if it comes to it and the money is fairly significant you could try small claims court. There, you don't have to prove beyond a reasonable doubt but by a preponderance. That means essentially who the judge believes. You represent yourself and it is fairly cheap to sue.

 

Sometimes the threat to sue or the fact that papers have been served is enough to make people cough up the cash.

 

It may be a last resort but bear it in mind.

 

It may also be worthwhile sending her a letter asking for repayment with the amount mentioned within the text. If she replies by saying she will repay at some point you will have an admittance that she owes the money.

[therealshrek]

the day after my last post in this thread on May 17th, the ex sent me a txt msg over my cell telling me that she felt we should go our separate ways and she did not want to speak to me ever again. she stated she wasnt interested in having another relationship with ANYONE for many years down the road. i replied, pathetically begging for her to not cut me out of her life. she told me to just accept it and get over her, because she already had. after that txt, she never replied back to any of mine. just the other day, i found out through a mutual friend that she parties practically every day, has hooked up with several other people, and is already dating someone else and badmouths me every chance she gets. i was doing pretty good up till i found that out. now ive been depressed so much that i cannot even eat. i cannot believe that these last 3 years mean nothing to her now. how could she be seeing someone else only after a month when she stated to me she wasnt even interested in another relationship with someone? i just feel like I've died inside...

[RayKay]

Hey Shrek,

 

I know it hurts, this is why I often just tell people to not listen much to what their ex is saying (ie when they give them hope). It often seems like the "dumper" can live and see a totally different reality. In her mind she may not even "be serious" whom knows.

 

My last ex said all the same crap too, and I found out soon he was fooling around with many girls within minutes after he would say that kind of stuff. Apparently not getting involved does not mean staying celibate.

 

Your ex was pretty cruel to have told you to just get over her because "she had", and she sounds pretty selfish at this point. I would tell your friend you don't want to hear what your ex is doing, and jump back on that healing wagon. It does get better.

 

Hugs,

 

RayKay

[therealshrek]

thanks RayKay. I'm trying to heal, yet it is so hard to get her out of my mind.

 

I'm just having a hard time accepting that she isnt the innocent good girl anymore that I fell in love with. I cant help but feel sick knowing she went from being a decent girl with respect for herself, constantly looking down upon party girls who hooked up with random guys, to the very sort of person she would criticize. I have lost so much respect for her...

[Iceman26]

I can understand someone that wants to have their s*** together (education, career, stability) before making a boyfriend a top priority, but I felt that your ex didn't need to be as harsh as she was towards you....especially after the length of time you were together.

 

Try not to be depressed man....she showed you her true colors. Can you imagine being in a marriage with someone like that? The only thing you are missing out on is having a cold, heartless, calculating b**** in your life.

 

You sound like a good guy, and I know you will recover from this and truthfully, though you may not believe it now, you will be much happier in the end.

[therealshrek]

thanks iceman...