He's giving it all up from one fight

[Ecoastgirl]

I am not sure what to do, or how to react to this situation. Here is what happened. There is a certain sport we share together, and while he plays this sport, he is very intense and emotional. He tends to yell at me a lot. I usually let it slide because I know it is just how he is, but 2 days ago I decided to say something about it.

 

I asked this: "why do you yell at me so much?" I asked this over the phone, and he said it wont happen again and hung up. He wouldnt take my calls back but got on ICQ and I asked him why he wouldnt talk to me. He basically told me that its easier this way. That this way he couldnt hurt me anymore. I told him that it hurt me more by pulling away. He said that he is doing this for me, that if his way of playing hurts me then it wont happen again. I talked to him about other options.. I told him that all i wanted from him was to say "i will work on it" or "this is how I play, its not you" something.. anything.. not the drastic "well, if I hurt you then I wont contact you anymore". It seems so childish and extreme.

 

After much talk I finally got the nerve to ask if he was giving up on us playing the sport together, or giving up on us? he said he didn't know yet, but he said i deserved better.

 

This is all so confusing to me.. All I did was asked why he yelled so much. Would a guy be this hurt by that? would he retreat into a shell and give up a year long relationship becuase of one question?

 

I know some of you will say that this is his way of breaking off a relationship becuase he doesnt want to be in it. I really don't believe this is the case. I say this because this same thing happened about 5 months ago. I told him he hurt me. I don't even remember what the circumstance was, but at that time he pulled away yet again. Didnt talk to me, didn't call, said it was better this way. he didn't want to hurt me. After a couple of days he called back for some stupid reason and we worked it out.

 

There has now been only 2 times I have told him that something he does bothers me, and both times he has pulled away and not talked to me. It is almost as if I am being punished for bringing something negative up. Im not sure what to do at this point.

[Vanilla]

You said it- you're probably going to get that answer from a lot of us. I just dont think he cares enough to work it through. I dont think he wants to deal with if he hurts your feelings or not. So when you say that its easier for him to just back off and leave you in the dark. By doing that you immidiately soften up and will probably give in to get him back.

 

its a really immature act on his part to not face the relationship for what it is and turning the guilt on you.

 

you can hold on to whatever way you want to see it as, but it is what it is.

[WildChild]

Two things:

 

He either knows his behavior is wrong and seriously doesn't want to hurt you and pulls back (cough, cough)

 

or

 

He is manipulating you into keeping your mouth shut

[Dako]

He's manipulating you.

 

Salesmen call this a take-away. Work on a deal until the other balks, then retreat so they come back to you, increasing your power in the deal.

 

He knows you'll come back to him. You know what might stop this?

[RayKay]

There has now been only 2 times I have told him that something he does bothers me, and both times he has pulled away and not talked to me. It is almost as if I am being punished for bringing something negative up. Im not sure what to do at this point

 

In a balanced, healthy relationship, you should be able to bring these things up and discuss them together, without one "running away" and playing mindgames. There is no way you should supress how you feel or a concern out of fear he will punish you for it. No way.

 

If my partner or I have concerns, we sit down and discuss them, or write a letter, and talk about it...and come to some solutions. We don't get angry at one another for being concerned, or run away, or hold it against them.

 

I had an ex like your boyfriend. We too both participated in a sport we both loved very much. He had been doing it a lot longer the I however, and so deemed himself an expert. Which was fine, loved to learn things, but he was also overly critical of me, even if I was trying! One night on the phone I was telling him of my training that day and was proud of some stuff I had done...and he said well did you do "this and that". I replied no, as I had been practicing other things. His response? To get pissed off at me and we got in a fight.

 

After the call I started getting mad at myself for making him angry. The next morning was angry at him though too....but got over it. He broke up with me that night. He said it was the straw that broke the camels back. It sucked, but it was also stupid and ridiculous. I looked back, and realized it was not the first time. I would come back everytime though apologizing....devaluing myself in the process. I apologized for being so "needy", and making him angry! Over and over again, it was a pattern, and I could not even see it. He knew everytime, I would send him an email the next day saying sorry, or a phone call. And he could start the cycle again. I am not sure it was intentional, but it did not matter. He did it. He did not value or respect me.

 

And then it started to be more clear in my mind, it was for him an issue of control, he could never be wrong. He did not accept me for whom I was. He did not want to work through things. He had no intent on being my PARTNER. That is was not fair he got mad at me for something so stupid as what he did. He was always critical of me. He always brushed it off though, or blamed me for it in some way. And I even was blaming myself for not being good enough. But it was BS, and I learned it.

 

And that was it. We still talk, but I am so much better off without him. I found someone whom accepted me for me. Whom never criticizes me, loves me as I am. Whom respects me, loves me completely. It's amazing.

 

My only regret is it took me so long to see it. That I did not end things first, that I let my own self esteem go down, that I let the emotional cost on me, exceed the value of the relationship and the reward.

 

Don't be with someone whom takes away your feelings of self worth and is more critical, then supporting. Whom shuts down when you have concerns and just does not want to be a partner in your life and this relationship. It only brings you down slowly, until you really do feel emotionally exhausted. You should not be thanking your lucky stars someone like him "picked YOU", but rather being so thankful that you are with someone whom accepts you for you, and you accept them for them...whom is your equal partner.

[WildChild]

He's manipulating you.

 

Salemaen call this a take-away. Work on a deal until the other balks, then retreat so they come back to you, increasing your power in the deal.

 

He knows you'll come back to him. You know what might stop this?

 

I agree, hence my Total form of manipulation. Good analogy on the salesman theory Dako.

[Dako]

I learned the term from my ex. She was once a ruthless headhunter for a personnel agency until she felt guilty.

[DN]

It could be another form of manipulation in that he might be trying to make you behave in a certain way so he can call off the relationship with a ready made excuse - or make you do it.

[Ecoastgirl]

thank you for your replies. I know that I am in a losing situation, but when someone has their claws into you, its damn hard to back away. I used to be such a strong willed, easy going person and I find myself doubting so much now. I am not sure if that is because of my recent divorce or the situation I am in now. He found me at my lowest and poured on the charm. My gut tells me that he could be a manipulator but my heart tells me hes a scared little boy that protects himself by putting up a wall.

 

I have read a lot of forums about manipulation and have been digging around trying to figure out this personality type. I have never dealt with someone like this before. The fact that I am even looking for answers should scream to me RUN.. RUN AWAY!!! But it is in my nature to fix things. He was so charming and loving at first. Showered me with attention when I was at my lowest. I got used to his calls day and night, his attention he showered on me. I started to carry my cell phone around just so I wouldnt miss a call.

 

He would buy me things, but never tell me how he truly felt (I have other posts regarding this). I have read a lot about narcisists and borderline personality traits and i believe he somewhat falls into these catagories.. probably more borderline then anything.

 

It's amazing to me really.. 2 years ago I would have said that if someone treated me this way, they would be out the door. I find myself dancing around in circles wanting something to work that is doomed. Evertime I pull back the charm comes on and, like a drug, I go back and want more. The emotional highs and lows, wading through the lows, wanting the highs to come back.

[Ecoastgirl]

I should say.. he STILL buys me things and showers attention. These things have not stopped, but it goes through waves of highs and lows. Sorry, needed to clarify that

[Dako]

You might be able to work it out with him, but not when he's upset.

He has to know you want him but not that part of his behavior.

Tell him you feel abandoned when he withdraws, and it hurts you.

Ask him to figure a way to solve problems without leaving you to feel punished for not agreeing with him all the time.

 

Ask him how he feels while you're apart after a tiff. He may be miserable over it as well but too jammed up to deal with it.

 

You can always kick him off a cliff later.

[Ecoastgirl]

Oddly enough, I just said all those things to him this morning.. and, in almost the exact way you stated it above. All he kept saying was that he didnt want to hurt me, and if his actions hurt me then he will not subject me to it. That i deserve better.. blah blah blah.

 

So I asked him, well, is this over then? and he didnt reply to that.. I gave him an out.. gave him the opportunity to set this free.

[RayKay]

Oddly enough, I just said all those things to him this morning.. and, in almost the exact way you stated it above. All he kept saying was that he didnt want to hurt me, and if his actions hurt me then he will not subject me to it. That i deserve better.. blah blah blah.

 

So I asked him, well, is this over then? and he didnt reply to that.. I gave him an out.. gave him the opportunity to set this free.

 

I think he is trying to get you to end it honestly, and absolve himself of the guilt of doing it.

 

Sorry. But I do think that is what he is doing.

 

My ex did the same thing, later confessed he was an a-hole sometimes hoping I would end it.

[kellbell]

I don't have much to add but I really think that your man is trying to get you to break up with him. Two of my ex's pulled the same thing on me. They started acting like jerks in hopes I would break up with them first. But in many cases, that tactic fails because it causes the girl to push harder and "fix" the relationship. I am not saying girls don't do this tatic but I see men do more times than not.

[LiquidCherry]

my heart tells me hes a scared little boy that protects himself by putting up a wall.

 

Most people, when they find out they've hurt someone's feelings, apologize.

[DN]

Call his bluff. Tell him that his behaviour now is far more hurtful and if he wants to not hurt you he will stop acting like a jerk. Tell him you won't be manipulated in this way and that he's either in a grown-up relationship with you or you're moving on - permanently.

[annie24]

I think you asked a fair question - why does he yell at you? He sounds like he has some serious issues. I don't want to date someone who is yelling at me. I have work, school, taxes - enough things in my life to cause me strife. A boyfriend shouldn't add more ugliness to your life.

 

So what if he buys you stuff? you can buy yourself stuff also.

 

I think he has some serious anger and control issues. The more important question is "why do you want to be with him?"

[Ecoastgirl]

Well, I went a few days, waiting to see what would happen. I gave him an out if he wanted and just gave him space. It was a hard couple of days, not knowing if things were over or not. He waited 2 days to call, and we had a nice relaxing conversation. We chatted a bit about what happened and he told me his views on it. He felt that it must have been pretty bad for me to bring it up. I explained to him that I bring things up BEFORE they become a problem. Nip it in the bud, so to speak.

 

It took him awhile to believe me and I am wondering now if this is how he handles things. Perhaps he lets issues slide until they become epic and then brings them up. Perhaps he figured that I was doing the same?

 

he has been pretty humble during our talks. he finally told me yesterday that he knew he was being abusive to me. I told him not to be so hard on himself, that it wasnt that bad. He said he wasnt being hard on himself, he was being honest. he sounded so defeated when he said this. This was a shock to me, hearing this. this man hardly ever admits when hes wrong. This is as close to a "sorry" as I will get, but I suppose it is better then nothing.

 

It has been very gentle with him since that day. He has called me more the last few days then he has in the last month. He even woke me up this morning with a call just to say "hi"

 

I still wonder about the next time. It will be interesting to see if I hesitate to bring up an issue or not.