ChristieL Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I spent 8 years completely clueless, and I wish someone would have told me it IS abuse. Get out, get some counseling, and realize that YOU ARE NOT WHAT HE SAYS YOU ARE. The sooner you get away, the better. You can't fix an abuser, you can't help him, and there is no reason to waste your time trying. The abuse could escalate, but it won't stop. Link to comment
ff7fan Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 What a weird week, but I'm back. My computer at home decided to take a dump on me but I think I have it fixed after running some spyware cleaners on it. It mysteriously died the night he was going to play poker and I would finally have the house to myself. I can come on at work but only when I'm not busy and everyone has been hounding me with work this week, but at least it keeps my mind off things. He is not saying boo to me right now. A couple times this week he would stop by my office and say something trying to get some kind of rise out of me but I ignored it so he shut up. I'm feeling pretty good actually, and looking forward to having things the way I want them again. I even fixed a leak in the kitchen sink by myself. A few weeks ago when I asked him to do it he made a big deal out of how it was going to take so much time and how I had caused the leak by putting things in the cabinet under there, the typical blaming me as always. It turned out to be a darn cracked ring that all I had to do was take it off, drive to the store, show the guy there what it was and he got me another one. He told me it probably cracked because it was old and not because anyone did anything to it. I put it on the pipe and voila, no leak. I know it's a small thing but I'm proud of myself, especially after he was trying to make me feel like I did something wrong just because the darn thing leaked. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Hey and welcome back! I was wondering if you'd had a change of heart. Glad to see you are still on track and that you are feeling good about yourself, that's important! Keep us posted! Link to comment
shes2smart Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Yay for the plumbing repair! I always found handling little things like that successfully to be great confidence builders for the bigger things. When I learned how to do an oil change myself, I felt like I could take on the world. Link to comment
ff7fan Posted January 21, 2006 Author Share Posted January 21, 2006 I don't think I'm ready to take on an oil change yet, but I did replace a relay in my car that was causing my wipers to not work, another thing he couldn't figure out how to do and told me I'd never be able to do it. I went online and asked a car repair guy where to look and he told me where the chart was on my car and it took some doing because it was in a tight spot but thank god I have small hands and managed to get the darn thing snapped in place. Saved myself a trip to the auto shop where they would have charged me an hour labor to do it He got drunk at home last night, not nasty drunk but talkative drunk. He talked nonstop about himself and all the good things he's doing at work and how good he's doing in school until it made me want to smack him upside the head and scream shut up! But, I didn't. All he managed to do was make me see even more how annoying he really is. I hope everyone's having a great weekend without stress. Today I'm going shopping for some movies to send to a friend in Iraq, then I'm going to hole up and finish reading the book I started last weekend. He's working half day today and all day tomorrow and I'm looking forward to the peace and quiet. Link to comment
WildChild Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 It sounds like you have a wonderful, peaceful day planned for yourself. Enjoy the solitude Link to comment
hosswhispra Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 ff7fan- Auto Repair for dummies is an awesome book...that's what I have. It's a good plan to get away from this emotional (and potentially physical abuser---starts out with throwing things). I know it's easier said than done. But you deserve so much better than the crap he's dealing you. Keep strong. hosswhispra Link to comment
ff7fan Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 Thanks for the tip hosswhispra, I'll have to check out that book. I'm always having some kind of car glitch so it will come in handy. This weekend was quiet until last night when he decided to come in the bedroom at 11:30 and turn on a videogame. I had cleaned the house and babysat for a toddler and an 8 month old most of the day so I was tired and was trying to go to sleep. I had to ask him twice to go downstairs and play. First time he ignored me, the second time he threw the controller accross the room putting a knick in the wall (I guess I'd better find a home repair for dummies too). He said he doesn't like to go to bed before 1:00 and all I did was ask him to please go downstairs and play then, I was tired. I was afraid of starting a big fight that would keep me up all night so I didn't say anything else to him then but I'm going to tell him he has to get out before March because I can't deal with it until then. I'm just glad I thought to have his name taken off my bank account last week. We had a joint account but it's all my money that goes in there and he was just on there for convenience sake and never really used it unless I asked him to write a check or go to the ATM for me, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Today of course he's trying to act nice again and I'm trying to avoid him. Link to comment
Dannysgirl Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Oh my God, this guy sounds so much like my ex its not even funny. His names not 'Matt' by any chance is it? He used to pull that stuff with me all the time too - unbelievably controlling selfish individual. He wouldn't go to bed until 3am sometimes and would put the TV on to full volume just to keep me awake as well, he seemed to take some kind of twisted pleasure from watching me going out of my mind with sleep deprivation. Can't you get away from him any sooner? Link to comment
ff7fan Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 Nope, it's not Matt...scares me that there are so many guys out there that do this My lease is up at the end of March and my landlord is a tyrant about those things so I would be out too much money if I just break the lease and move out. I have a nice place, well, it will be when pig man is out of it anyway, and it's a very safe neighborhood so I'd like to stay there and have him be the one to leave. He's not on the lease so I wonder if I could get the landlord to evict him if he doesn't leave on his own accord?? Link to comment
kellbell Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Hi there ff7fan! So have you made any definate plans to remove yourself from this situation. Removing his name from your accounts was a great idea and definitely a step in the right direction but have you looked around for a new place to live and such? Glad to see you are hanging in there and no longer surrcumbing to his dramatic antics. Link to comment
Dannysgirl Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Nope, it's not Matt...scares me that there are so many guys out there that do this My lease is up at the end of March and my landlord is a tyrant about those things so I would be out too much money if I just break the lease and move out. I have a nice place, well, it will be when pig man is out of it anyway, and it's a very safe neighborhood so I'd like to stay there and have him be the one to leave. He's not on the lease so I wonder if I could get the landlord to evict him if he doesn't leave on his own accord?? Is it YOUR place? Does he have any claim to it at all? If not then you have every right to ask him to leave and if he doesn't you should ask the landlord to have him evicted. Why don't you speak to your landlord FIRST before you do anything to see if he would back you up if it came to that - I'm sure he doesn't want any trouble and if he was unwilling to so you could always say you fear that this guy will damage the property (tell him about how he kicked and punched the wall) and i'm sure that he would be more than happy to remove him. Besides that you can always have him removed by the police. I wouldn't worry about what happens to this loser, who cares if he freezes his backside off in the streets? Don't waste valuable time caring about what happens to this waste of space just get him out of your life now before he wears you down. Link to comment
ff7fan Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 Yes, it's MY place. I've been looking around for a different place just in case he doesn't leave but there's nothing as nice for what I can afford to pay so I hope he just goes like he said he would. I'm going to talk to the landlord about it because when I first moved in he asked if I wanted him on the lease and I said no. He made a comment "oh, just in case it doesn't work out?" and I said yes. Since we moved in they've become friends but I think since I'm paying the rent and my name is on the lease they'd have to side with me. If not, I don't want to be here anyway. I have been there for almost 4 years and never been late on the rent and keep the place clean so they'll be losing a good tenant for a piece of scum if they side with him. He could never afford the place anyway. Everything's in my name except the utilities but I can get that changed easily enough I hope. I hope I don't need his cooperation for that. Link to comment
ff7fan Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 Edited to add: What am I forgetting? I know there has to be something. Arggh. Link to comment
Dako Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 ff7fan, I was a landlord for many years. You have nothing to worry about from because it's your lease, and you've been paying on time. To a landlord that's the main concern, and changing tenants is a pain. Once he's out of the place, you can move on with life. There are plenty of guys out there. Link to comment
Dannysgirl Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Get those utilities changed over asap and then tell him you want him to leave by weeks end. Just be very calm about it, but tell him its non negotiable. Tell him he is to sleep on the couch until he leaves and if he doesn't like it he can sleep on a friends couch. Even better would be if you were to sling he stuff out in the road while he's at work and have the locks changed - problem solved! Link to comment
kellbell Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Oh my God ff7fan! Ask that man to leave pronto!! I didn't know the place was YOURS. Oh my, you have every right to ask him to leave. I mean he is making a mess of your place, throwing stuff at your walls and such. Ask him to get out by the week's end. Ugggh!!! Get those ulities changed over to your name. It's very easy to do so. You may want to let your landlord know a bit what's going on in case any problems come up. Hang in there and stay strong, I know none of this has been easy for you. (((hugs))) Link to comment
Dako Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 You can easily just tell him he can't sleep there tonight and if he returns, you'll call the cops. It's not your problem, it's his. He can come back later for his crap. No matter how you do it, he sees it coming. Link to comment
ff7fan Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 I'm trying to find someone who can come over and be here when it goes down in case he goes crazy or something. I don't really know what to expect. Link to comment
Dannysgirl Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Yes I agree with the others, you REALLY need to tell this man to get out of your place - otherwise this situation is never going to end. Why should you wait around and put your life on hold for this idiot? you have been putting up with his BS for months now when there is no reason to. You owe him absolutely nothing, he's a big boy and he can take care of himself. Link to comment
Dannysgirl Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 I'm trying to find someone who can come over and be here when it goes down in case he goes crazy or something. I don't really know what to expect. I would definitely advise that and get that person to stay there with you until he leaves. If you leave him there on his own he may end up damaging/stealing your property. My psycho ex slashed my clothes and stole my valuables when I ended it with him. Remember to get the locks changed once he's out and don't answer the door to him if he calls round. Link to comment
kellbell Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Yes, great idea, have someone stay with you for a while until he leaves and yes, get those locks changed once he leaves. You have every right to do so. Link to comment
ff7fan Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 He has a lot of swords and knives that I probably should hide first. I just now thought about that. I don't really think he'll do anything physical and I have pepper spray in case he tries to get too close but I'll feel safer if the sharp objects are out of reach. I'm racking my brain to think of anything else I might be forgetting. I wonder if I should call his mother and tell her what's going on. She lives about 20 minutes away and we've always gotten along well. She might be able to keep him from doing something completely stupid. Link to comment
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