crushed and bewildered

[ricardo]

My wife and I met at age 23. We were both virgins and fell in love almost immediately. She was the girl of my dreams. We have been married for thirty years and this Last March she tearfully confessed that just after we met she gave herself a few times to someone she met. She had no idea why she she did it and was very regretful about it. This crushed me, but not as much as what an aquaintance told me recently. She had an affair with an associate. A death enabled him to release this information. I am quite sure she has had more now that this has come to light. I was too trustful and free. NOw what do I do, she doesn't know that I know. The undercurrent of emotions are running very strong and I feel like exploding with both pain and anger.

[melee18]

i think you need to tell her what you know. things like this aren't good to keep bottled up.

[RayKay]

My wife and I met at age 23. We were both virgins and fell in love almost immediately. She was the girl of my dreams. We have been married for thirty years and this Last March she tearfully confessed that just after we met she gave herself a few times to someone she met. She had no idea why she she did it and was very regretful about it. This crushed me, but not as much as what an aquaintance told me recently. She had an affair with an associate. A death enabled him to release this information. I am quite sure she has had more now that this has come to light. I was too trustful and free. NOw what do I do, she doesn't know that I know. The undercurrent of emotions are running very strong and I feel like exploding with both pain and anger.

 

Oh ricardo, HUGE hugs to you. I know this must be very very hard for you.

 

This is tough, because you have to be VERY sure the information is true before you accuse her, but it does appear that she has confessed other infidelities. And she may deny, deny, deny, unless there is absolute proof.

 

I wonder if she told you of the first one, to gauge your reaction, to decide whether she would tell you of more, or know how you would react if you found out. Her saying she has no idea why she did it concerns me too, as it is a way of absolving her guilt or respsonsibility...and a sure way to do it again.

 

You were not too trustful and free. That is what you are MEANT to do...trust your partner. She however broke it, broke that trust, and you are NOT to blame for that.

 

I think you do need to talk to her, but watch her ACTIONS and body language. She is likely not going to admit it.

 

If it turns out it is true, what are you going to do?

 

I advise you seek some individual counselling and therapy for yourself too. As WELL as some testing for STD's.

[nymph_nmn]

Think btoh of u need a good talk then tell her if u plan on forgiving her and working it out and throwing her out.

[Day_Walker]

You are going to have to talk to her. You are going to have to find out information from her on her infidelity. I would keep the information you have and just tell her that you know what she has done and let her confess that way you will find out more than you actually know.

[chai714]

I would conduct this like the police.

 

Tell her that you know about her "extra-marital" activities, and the game is up. Give her a couple options - for her to confess to you, or you walk out and leave her. Even if you don't plan on leaving her, you need to make her believe that you're willing to walk out right there and then. She will almost undoubtedly think you know. Given the choice she has, she can confess everything and THINK that you'll stay if she confesses. Once she confesses, it is your choice what you want to do from there.

 

Good luck.

[RayKay]

I'd think since this happened so long ago, you have a good chance of getting past it and saving your marriage. Sure, it's painful, but you two have quite a lot to salvage.

If this were a recent event, I'd be much less optimistic.

You should confront her, but as Chai suggested, let her do the talking. Listen to how she feels about her mistake. She may have been miserable about this for years and has suffered for it.

 

Well, she did confess to the older one, but I assumed the affair with the associate was more recent in time from what he described.

 

Some clarification on that from ricardo would be helpful!

[Dako]

Ricardo,

I apologize for misreading that.

This is more serious that I thought.

[DN]

I wonder if she told you of the first one, to gauge your reaction, to decide whether she would tell you of more, or know how you would react if you found out.

 

I wondered that as well. Why suddenly bring up something that happened all those years ago at this time? Did she explain why she found it necessary to do that?

 

Do you have children together?

[Setter5]

I liked Chai714's advise. Handle it cut and dry. Then handle it again on your terms.

 

But honestly, after reading your post, I simply don't know what I'd do.

 

Just wanted you to know that your feelings would be the same for many of us.

 

Stay strong.

[mscolly]

Ricardo,

 

I have had a similar experience, it's heartbreaking, I know. However, the most important thing is not to suffocate your own feelings. After all, your wife didn't. You have to confront her, you have to be convinced of her answers. Regarding this, trust your heart. Your head will try to tell you what you want to hear, listen with your heart and trust it.

 

Her reaction is fundamental. Does she see the cheating as a moment of weakness? Does she now feel it was all wrong? Why did she wait so long to tell you about those first incidents? Does she heavily regret what happened? Don't let her blame you in anyway whatsoever, there are no excuses for cheating.

 

Let me tell you one little secret though. If she is pained by what comes out, the pain itself can bring a great communion between you. I know, you feel you've lived a lie, a dream for 30 years, the once solid earth under your feet has turned out to be quicksand. But it is possible to get over it. You both need great patience with one another. Believe me though, living reality, no matter how dirty it is, is much better than living in a dream. Give her a chance to explain, talk about it. You'll need months, perhaps more, but are you willing to throw away 30 years without giving it a big effort first?

[Dako]

mscolly,

That's a genuine and moving insight.

 

(You must have a heart the size of a planet.)

[confused74]

You should ask her how many times did that happen?

There should be a reason why she did it, ask her why?

It's up to you to forgive if not it's your fault.

Blame on the rain, Blame on the boogie man.

This is really awful.

[confused74]

I think she felt guilty for really long time and she thought it was time to confess. Can you tell me What were you both doing at the time when she confessed? Were you both in a good mood or a bad mood?

[ricardo]

I should have pointed out that she was pressured into that tearful confession, by facts that led in that direction. She realised I had heard something that gave her away. As far as details go, she says no way.

[ricardo]

I wanted to be brief, so I didn't say everything I wanted. First, the affair was about 17 years ago. I have only the word of a reliable person. No "proof" I do need counseling, yes, very much. But, there are few people as sensitive about this subject as I am. I watched my mother tortued by infidelities and I swore I would never go through that. Sometimes the past comes calling and what it brings with it you can never tell.......