Please help - mind is in a mess

[muchacho]

I met this girl (she is 16 - I am 25), and recently I cant stop thinking about her. Im not eating as much as I normally do, Im dreaming about her, and I think about her a lot each day.

 

She was around my house last night. I suggested we started 'seeing each other' after she asked over instant messenger about possibly being more. She said 'what time is your meal tomorrow night?' .. i said '7pm'. She said 'I think I'll be back in X tomorrow afternoon do so some shopping. I said 'maybe we could meet up', she said 'yeh definitely. She then also said she would be over for my birthday (23rd).

 

Anyway, I think I get way too paranoid and really need some advice. We agreed to meet Tuesday but she had to cancel as she had to do college work - fine ... Weds had to cancel as she didnt feel well. We met yesterday (Friday) and she was still a bit unwell. She normally drinks quite a lot and only managed a bit. She said she had tummy pains. Descirbed it as period pains but in her stomach. Anyway ... i tried to hold her hand and she kinda moved it saying 'hold on a sec' ... comparing her nails and telling me about them. I put my arm around her and she kept leaning forward to take a drink. I had my hand on her leg and she seemed to chat normally with me.

 

We chatted about things and I said 'so what do you want to happen between us'. She goes 'I do like ya, its just the distance' - she catches bus and it can take 40 mins each time. She said 'like you said, see each other and see how it goes'.

 

We had a chat and a laugh - I can make her laugh a lot, but as I say - I am paranoid. Im hoping the fact she wasnt well was why she didnt want to be too effectionate. My sister says paranoia is a turn off, so I dont want to be paranoid, or eager! I phoned her Tuesday, Weds, and Thurs which Im sure is way too much. She rang my house phone on Friday to say she was going to catch the bus.

 

When we both got into the taxi to take her to the bus station, she put her hand out, I held it and she seemed like she wanted to hold my hand whilst we were in the taxi.

 

As we got to the station, she wasnt really wanting to be hugging, and as she left she asked if I was getting a taxi back home. I said 'come here' maybe I shouldnt have done, put my hands on her side and she said 'no Im shy', and pushed me away slightly. Can being shy make girls do this?

 

My mate says this is a good sign, as she is wanting to test me and see how I react to no hugging etc. I dont want to seem clingy or too interested, but the fact that I like her a lot and Im thinking about her a lot is making it SO hard.

 

I text her last night after she had got on the bus with

 

"Sorry you felt a bit down. Hope you had a

decent night. Hope we can meet up again soon. Maybe let me

know by email. Chat soon. Ste XXX"

 

I also emailed her with:

"ey, probablly repeatin myself lol, but do

hope you feel a slight better than you did tonight.

 

Be good to see you on my b/d but if not, we will have to

organise something in the new year? Maybe see you on chat

over the next week or so. Let me know.

 

STE

 

 

My mate Tom is giving me some advice he is basically saying things like (in chat messenger):

 

u shouldnt go COME HERE etc, girls r rather

shy, she likes you i can tell coz if she didnt she wouldnt

of even said that, she would of basically said go

away....leave it as.....ok had a nice time c u soon...wave

and WAIT yes and it does happen for the text msg saying the

reply

 

 

and with regards to my email + text:

 

leave it at

that...I KNOW ITS HARD but i bet u r dieing to text her

saying your feelings now aint you? just keep em 2 urself, u

should ALWAYS let the lass tell u how she feels first and

if u dont say a word she will be very impressed as it shows

stamina and confidence

 

 

 

 

What do you all think?

[Dregnought]

Do what feels natural to you. Its still early days, so if she doesnt feel right dont worry, dont forget shes almost 10 years younger then you. I dont blame her for being shy.

[DN]

I have to tell you that a 25 year old getting into a relationship with a 16 year old is not a good idea. This is an accident waiting to happen. Try finding someone closer to your own age - or waiting until she is a few years older.

[arwen]

I agree with that. She is a minor (I assume, this is of course a varying definition per state/country). I think at 25, the difference 'downward' is far much bigger than upwards (like you dating someone in their thirties). She is still a child in fact, no matter how mature she might appear.

 

I'd try to put this out of your mind, or wait if you still feel the same when she is 18. You have to accept that she will still be a student and into partying and being free when you are at the age of settling down.

 

Ilse.

[metro_girl]

"She then also said she would be over for my birthday (23rd)." Does she know your age?

 

I'm not sure what country you are from, but I think 16 is too young for a 25-year-old. She may not be shy but simply acting age appropriate around a much more mature man who is starting to come on strong. I don't think your friend is giving you very good advice. If she's pulling away from you, that's not necessarily an indication that she's shy and needs you to come on even stronger. She may be scared off. Or maybe she got involved with you and now is wanting out of the involvement. Is she seeing you against her parents' wishes? That could also be trouble.

[darkblue]

I agree with most of the other posters.

I think it is too much of an age difference.

[theantibarbie23]

I met this girl (she is 16 - I am 25)

What do you all think?

 

I honestly think a 25 year old is a heck of a lot more emotionally and intellectually mature than a sixteen year old. Why not find someone whom you can connect with on a deeper level? I suggest finding someone whom has enough life experience as an adult to be where you are at this stage of the game.

[PocoDiablo]

I agree with much of what has been said here. I think the real issue is much deeper, but let me go over what you said and see if we can figure anything out.

 

I met this girl (she is 16 - I am 25), and recently I cant stop thinking about her. Im not eating as much as I normally do, Im dreaming about her, and I think about her a lot each day.

The age difference can be illegal in many states. In addition, the age difference says a lot about your ability to pick up and date women who are your own age. I would say that your dating skills are below average if you are dating 16 year old girls. This is because basically you are picking a woman who will be interested in just about any older man on the basis of age and status alone. It's unlikely she's been dating long enough to screen men, so she's an easy girl to pick up. Whether or not that is true is not the real issue, the real issue is that you behavior towards her is suggesting that you think she is easy, and that is why you are having problems.

 

Allow me to explain. I'll go over what you've said:

 

She was around my house last night. I suggested we started 'seeing each other' after she asked over instant messenger about possibly being more.

Suggested? Most men will ask a woman on a date. They will also be more up front about it. "Suggesting it" (although I do not know what you said; can you provide more details?) is passive and requires effort on her part to reciprocate.

 

In addition, remember that you are chatting with her on AIM which is a great way to get friendzoned and has little relation to reality. AIM for young women is like a fantasy land. They can flirt and say whatever they want, be sexy, etc., but never have to touch a single man. I always tell guys to use AIM, phone, and email as a tool to ask her on a date. The longer you spend in cyberspace, the lower your chances of actually meeting HER and having a relationship.

 

 

She then also said she would be over for my birthday (23rd).

Wait, how old are you? You said 25 and then 23? Or have you known her for 2+ years? You lost me. Please explain.

 

Anyway, I think I get way too paranoid and really need some advice.

Paranoid? Nah, you just know you need some dating advice. That's a good thing!

 

We agreed to meet Tuesday but she had to cancel as she had to do college work - fine

A woman who is interested in a man will keep her date come hell or highwater. So to speak. This is important - actions speak louder than words. Cancelled a first date is a bad sign. But I need to know if she or you were the one to suggest the second day - who was it? What happened? Can you give me details?

 

The reason I ask is because if she offered a different day and time to hang out, then she probably was legitimately busy. If she just cancelled, then she simply was not interested in you. This is an important lesson for all men to learn - women don't just cancel if they like you.

 

For reference, my GF and I went on our second date on Thanksgiving and she left dinner with her family *early* to be with me. Nothing will stop a woman from being with a man she truly wants to be with. You'd be foolish to think otherwise!

 

Weds had to cancel as she didnt feel well. We met yesterday (Friday) and she was still a bit unwell. She normally drinks quite a lot and only managed a bit. She said she had tummy pains. Descirbed it as period pains but in her stomach.

I'm 50/50 on this. Of course, being sick is legitimte. But if a woman were truly interested in me, I doubt she would come out when she felt like crap. She'd want to be at her best to show how interested she was in me. Would you ever even THINK of going on a date if you had the flu or something? Of course not! That would be horrible. Think of the impression that would send. So why did she do that? Just a thought. Personally, I don't like it.

 

Anyway ... i tried to hold her hand and she kinda moved it saying 'hold on a sec' ... comparing her nails and telling me about them. I put my arm around her and she kept leaning forward to take a drink. I had my hand on her leg and she seemed to chat normally with me.

Okay, as a man, unless you have mastered the techiques of NLP (Nuero Linguistic Programming) and Kino (Kinesthetics) you should not be touching her. You should have waited for her to touch you first. As a quick primer on this issue, you should go watch the movie The Tao of Steve. He basically points out that men get horny in 15 minutes. Well, women take 20. If you start touching her at 15 minutes she is going to get turned off because you are pushing it. But if you wait for 25 minutes, she is going to wonder why you have not touched her and will start touching you - IF she is interested in you.

 

You failed to wait and see if she was interested in you, you pushed yourself on her, made her uncomfortable, and she pulled back. So, basically, you blew it.

 

We chatted about things and I said 'so what do you want to happen between us'. She goes 'I do like ya, its just the distance' - she catches bus and it can take 40 mins each time. She said 'like you said, see each other and see how it goes'.

Chatted about it? Who is she, your mom or your sister? You don't TALK about what is going to happen. This is being friendzoned. You have to flirt, joke, be non-serious, ask questions about her so you can get to know her better, find out if she is the type of woman you can actually stand to be around. I think she did that TO YOU and she found out that she doesn't want anything to do with you. So, she was smarter than you. Sounds like she's got some dating skills and you don't. It's time for you to dedicate some time to learning!

 

My sister says paranoia is a turn off, so I dont want to be paranoid, or eager!

Your sister is DEAD ON. However, let me give you some advice - stop talking to your sister for dating advice and go talk to some guys who are your age or OLDER and ask for dating tips. Listen to them and find out what you think would work best. And don't discount the advice if it comes from a guy who can pick up women. It may sound crazy, compared to your sisters advice, but he clearly knows.

 

I phoned her Tuesday, Weds, and Thurs which Im sure is way too much.

Holy moly, YES. Way too much. (But did you talk to her?) You're almost stalking her now. You are acting desperate (like your sister was referring to, but the wrong word.) and it's scary to a woman. You should call her once, leave this message: "Hey, it's Matt, call me back." and hang up. Then go out, hang with some guy friends. Do NOT call her back right away if she calls. Go have a life! If she does not call back, don't initate contact until she does. If you do, it's desperate. And ugly.

 

If you DID talk to her, then wait for HER to call you next time. This is an indicator of her interest level in you. If she calls, she likes you. If not .... okay.... not good.

 

When we both got into the taxi to take her to the bus station, she put her hand out, I held it and she seemed like she wanted to hold my hand whilst we were in the taxi.

Why? What makes you say that? Can you give us more details? This could be important - a sign of her interest in you.

 

As we got to the station, she wasnt really wanting to be hugging,

Bad sign.

 

I said 'come here' maybe I shouldnt have done, put my hands on her side and she said 'no Im shy', and pushed me away slightly. Can being shy make girls do this?

Maybe. But it is more an indicator of low interest level in you. Again, you forced yourself on her, which is desperate. Next time you need to flirt with her. Make her do something for or to you. Something like "You know, if you're nice to me today I'll let you hug me."

 

My mate says this is a good sign, as she is wanting to test me and see how I react to no hugging etc.

Stop taking any advice from him, he has no clue. Sorry, but he's giving you VERY bad advice. Go find another guy who dates more women.

 

I dont want to seem clingy or too interested, but the fact that I like her a lot and Im thinking about her a lot is making it SO hard.

You got that right. Clingy and over-interested is a KILLER. You need to rein that crap in.

 

I text her last night after she had got on the bus with

 

"Sorry you felt a bit down. Hope you had a

decent night. Hope we can meet up again soon. Maybe let me

know by email. Chat soon. Ste XXX"

Texting = bad.

 

Your message is depressing, boring, desperate. Next time, IF you have to text her, say something upbeat and funny.

 

I also emailed her with:

"ey, probablly repeatin myself lol, but do

hope you feel a slight better than you did tonight.

 

Be good to see you on my b/d but if not, we will have to

organise something in the new year? Maybe see you on chat

over the next week or so. Let me know.

 

STE

ALSO emailed her? Man, you have to slow down a little, Tiger!

 

But the message is better this time. Don't apologize for repeating - in fact DON'T repeat yourself. But you almost did good - you ALMOST asked her on a date. Next time, say "Let's go out Thursday. Let me know." That's it. Nothing else!

 

My mate Tom is giving me some advice he is basically saying things like (in chat messenger):

 

u shouldnt go COME HERE etc, girls r rather

shy, she likes you i can tell coz if she didnt she wouldnt

of even said that, she would of basically said go

away....leave it as.....ok had a nice time c u soon...wave

and WAIT yes and it does happen for the text msg saying the

reply

I only agree with him partially. There is nothing wrong with telling a woman to come here, but you can only do that so you can judge her reaction. If she comes over, she likes you. If she doesn't, then she doesn't! His advice is well meaning, but I cannot tell from the conversation what is going on so at this point I am going to have to say ... you can get better advice.

 

and with regards to my email + text:

 

leave it at

that...I KNOW ITS HARD but i bet u r dieing to text her

saying your feelings now aint you? just keep em 2 urself, u

should ALWAYS let the lass tell u how she feels first and

if u dont say a word she will be very impressed as it shows

stamina and confidence

Okay, this is better advice. Never tell a woman your feelings! It's child like. That is what you tell your mother or sister. You need to flirt with a woman and show her how you feel, not tell her.

 

What do you all think?

I think you need to go search some dating sites and learn some tips and techniques. You have a lot of work, and you're putting too much effort into this one woman. You should be trying out things on many women so you can figure out what works. You also should be MUCH more critical of what you do.

 

For example, if you put your hand on her, and she pulls away, you must immediately ask yourself "Ok, that was a bad reaction from her. What did I do wrong? Okay, I touched her, that made her uncomfortable. Why?"

 

You need to learn to flirt, stop being so serious, stop being so desperate. I would say you should find a book on flirting and a book on being a gentleman. Learn how to be fun, and learn how to be more mature. Combine the two of those and you'll be off to a good start.

 

You may also want to check out some dating sites. There are lots out there, go use Google to find some. I have many that I read from and I always learn something new.

 

That's all you have to do - you have to learn some better social skills and keep moving forward. I think you are at a point where you can save this, but if you are not careful you're going to get friendzoned or dumped. You're on thin ice right now, in my opinion. Go ask more SUCCESSFUL guys for more dating advice, too. Take them out for a drink, you pay, in exchange for as much help as possible.

[darkblue]

Originally Posted by muchacho

She then also said she would be over for my birthday (23rd).

 

Wait, how old are you? You said 25 and then 23? Or have you known her for 2+ years? You lost me. Please explain.

 

I think he meant, his birthday is on the 23rd.

[Relationship Coach]

Short and Simple...save yourself a ton of grief, find someone closer to your age.

[Gracelove]

She is soooooo much younger than you. It's better for all parties involved if you find someone closer to your own age.

Why are you interested in someone that young?

I'm sure you don't want to be perceived as being a pedophile.

[DN]

She is soooooo much younger than you. It's better for all parties involved if you find someone closer to your own age.

Why are you interested in someone that young?

I'm sure you don't want to be perceived as being a pedophile.

 

It may be inappropriate for other reasons but is is certainly not pedophilia which is properly defined as "a sexual preference for children, boys or girls or both, of prepubertal or early pubertal age."

 

A 16 year old does not fit that description.

[Bigbilly]

No no no NO NO!!!!

 

 

I was tweny-one when I dated my first real girlfriend. She was sixteen.

 

Take it from someone who has been there my man ...this can only end badly. She is too young and too immature, and she will break your heart in the end. She's got way too much growing up to do.

 

Everyone here is right. End this now and find someone closer to your age. If you do this, you're only going to wind up hurt in the end. Know why? At your age, you're fairly certain of what you want in a girl. She, on the other hand, is young and probably still thinks that love is something Hollywood and magical. You're going to do all the right things to keep a relationship going, but when the hormones wear off she is going to freak out and wonder why she's "fallen out of love" with you. She's too young to know what love is, and all you're going to be to her is a learning experience.

 

Please, please ...don't do it.

[DN]

Remember - Juliet was only 14 when she fell for Romeo - and look how that turned out.

[muchacho]

"She then also said she would be over for my birthday (23rd)." Does she know your age?

 

 

 

Yes she knows my age. In fact her ex-boyfriend was 26. I've chatted to her mum a couple of times so she knows who I am.

[muchacho]

She is soooooo much younger than you. It's better for all parties involved if you find someone closer to your own age.

Why are you interested in someone that young?

I'm sure you don't want to be perceived as being a pedophile.

 

 

 

Look up the word pedophile. Its a person from the age of birth to the age of pubity. She has been past pubity. I live in England and the legal age for consent is 16.

[muchacho]

"She then also said she would be over for my birthday (23rd)." Does she know your age?

 

I'm not sure what country you are from, but I think 16 is too young for a 25-year-old. She may not be shy but simply acting age appropriate around a much more mature man who is starting to come on strong. I don't think your friend is giving you very good advice. If she's pulling away from you, that's not necessarily an indication that she's shy and needs you to come on even stronger. She may be scared off. Or maybe she got involved with you and now is wanting out of the involvement. Is she seeing you against her parents' wishes? That could also be trouble.

 

 

She says her mum knows she was with a 26 year old ... from what I've read, she may have lost interest ... although she did ask what I was doing the next day and suggested we met up ... dont forget she was not feeling well - her mum made her stay off college and wouldnt allow her out on the Tuesday as she was feeling sick - she let me down twice, so maybe she didnt want to let me down again on the Friday and thats why she turned up not feeling 100%

[muchacho]

Please can I add something :

 

I've been ill for the past 5 years (it doesnt matter what I have), and I havent been with a girl in that time. Perhaps I'm a 25 year old with the experience and ideas of a 20 year old? Perhaps this suggests why I feel this way to a 16 year old?

[PocoDiablo]

Please can I add something :

 

I've been ill for the past 5 years (it doesnt matter what I have), and I havent been with a girl in that time. Perhaps I'm a 25 year old with the experience and ideas of a 20 year old? Perhaps this suggests why I feel this way to a 16 year old?

Absolutely. This is common among many guys.

 

You just need to learn how to date. Personally I would recommend you "push the limits" some. It's no big deal really, and it is nice that you recognize you may have missed a few opportunities.

 

Just remember to be mature, use self-control and confidence, and be fun and you can learn.

[ShySoul]

Age doesn't have to be a problem. My brother at 26 was seeing someone who was 16. She was very mature and they had a good relationship that lasted a couple years. So depending on the people involved and their maturity levels, it can work just great.

 

Do what feels naturally to you. If you too really get along, then see what happens. Don't rush it, just take your time. Just try and wait until she is "legal" should you want to take things to the furthest level so to speak.

 

Remember - Juliet was only 14 when she fell for Romeo - and look how that turned out.

 

To be fair, look at the other circumstances. Their familes were in a bitter hatred and rivalry. And they rushed into it, having only every talked to each other twice I believe it was, one kiss, and then planning on running away together. And in the period the book was written, a lot more was expected of you at 14 then it is today, shorter life expectancies and all.