Should I break week of NC because of his Bday?

[octopus]

Hello everyone,

 

I've posted a lot in the past week, and i'm thankful for your responses or other threads I've read in this forum. I need advice once again.

 

My bf of 6 months told me he didn't love me (like he's been capable of loving others before) last Sunday and told me that eventually (in 2-3 months) I should move out and he wants to meet someone to marry, so he will go on dating. He's turning 32 tomorrow, I'm 24.

 

I work in a different city, so I normally only see him on the weekends, but this weekend I haven't gone home. We haven't seen each other or talked for a full week, except for a couple non-relevant emails. Only 1 week of NC, but it's VERY painful.

 

Now, I really have two questions. One is: MOnday is his birthday, and as a civilized person, should I call and wish him a happy birthday although I can't be there with him and I'm hurt? (We're not on bad terms or anything; I started NC to keep my mental health and avoid sending him 1000 emails)

 

My second question is that I want to ask him what kind of a relationship would be acceptable for him, i.e. if I moved out and went on with my life, can we still keep seeing each other instead of completely breaking apart right away? I'm asking this, because we had a GREAT relationship. Every single day we spent together was, even until last sunday, great. He admits this too, but he says he couldn't love me , and he also said maybe that's because there's a block on him, but he admits that until recently his feelings were different and he had that loving feeling. Love is a cycle i think, and the more he thinks about this and compares me to his x's, he's not making anything easier. I think what we have is special, we're both very different from other people but a lot like each other, and that makes our relationship extremely valuable. I believe in this, and I am willing to fight for it.

 

I want to tell him that instead of him starting to date from scratch, we should give our relationship a shot "under different circumstances", i.e. me moving out to my own place, but still dating. Could this help? I know for a fact that his feelings aren't ZERO for me. So I have a little hope. Or should I keep NC for a couple more weeks and see if he contacts me?

[coolbloke1978]

I think you should send him an sms/text wishing happy birthday. If he then responds to that then you should take it from there. Do not ask anything about the relationship at this point. If he responds you can then decide what you have to do...

[BellaDonna]

My bf of 6 months told me he didn't love me

 

If were you I would not break NC- birthday or not....

 

 

he says he couldn't love me

 

Why bother keeping up any kind of contact if you know love is what you seek- and he CAN'T and won't give it to you- and he even came right out and said it and was honest.

 

I think you're only going to hurt yourself more if you hold on to this. Let go of him and focus on YOU.

 

Don't break NC,

 

BellaDonna

[arwen]

I agree with belladonna. Don't break NC. I have noticed on the forum that often the b-day or things like x-mas are the best excuses used to contact the ex. Contact someone else if you struggle, and spend the night out.

 

Ilse.

[LiquidCherry]

My second question is that I want to ask him what kind of a relationship would be acceptable for him, i.e. if I moved out and went on with my life, can we still keep seeing each other instead of completely breaking apart right away?

 

Why would you beg for crumbs? You can't compromise on his decision to break up with you. You'll only come accross as desperate if you even suggest this and if by some chance he did agree it'd most likely only because you were making him feel guilty. Please don't do this.

 

I think your ex was being honest when he told you that he doesn't feel for you like he's been capable of feeling for others in the past. I know it's painful to hear and it's difficult to process that someone doesn't feel the same towards you as you do for them but you have to accept what he's said.

 

You're right, love is a cycle: it has it's ups and down, ebbs and flows... But he's told you he doesn't feel for you as much as he is capable of feeling and this means he is very much not the right person for you. You deserve to be with someone who is very much in love with you and feels more strongly towards you than they have any other.

 

I don't think you need to contact him in any way about his birthday. My boyfriend broke up with me a day before his birthday and about a week before his party. I never called to wish him a happy birthday. The way I saw it, if it was really imprtant for him to have me around for this day, and no less at all, he wouldn't have ended things. But that's me. If you really feel you would like to wish him a happy birthday write him an e-mail and simply say, "Just wanting to wish you a happy birthday. Have a good one."

[annie24]

I agree with BellaDonna, Ilse, and Liquid Cherry. Liquid Cherry brought up some especially good points. If having you around on his birthday was important to him, he wouldn't have broken up with you a week before. I know - it hurts to hear

 

Don't settle for crumbs! He's just told you that he can't love you the way you deserve to be loved. He did you the biggest favor! Now you can go out and find a man that CAN love you wholeheartedly.

 

Don't send the birthday message. AT MOST, you can send a text or a quick e-mail that says, "Happy birthday. Hope you have a good one." That's it.

 

Don't break NC. Go out, do something else for the day. It won't make him come back to you - getting an e-mail or a text. If anything, not hearing from you may make him miss you. Let him learn what it really means to live without you!

 

good luck

[octopus]

Hey,

 

I just want to clarify something that I didn't explicitly mention in my thread. Last Sunday, he didn't come out and say " We should end it right now, today and you should leave" .We had plans for his birthday, as well as New Year's. We started a small discussion about something and he again voiced his concern of being unsure of his feelings and that his confidence given things will change soon wasn't high.

 

This is why I'm suggesting that I move out but we keep seeing each other, because sometimes somethings can be fixed, right? I'm not clining on to him, but I believe that this will pass and I want to not regret not having done something later...

[annie24]

Ah. Still, I'm sorry to say, his words still don't sound very reassuring. I think that moving out is the best thing you can do. It will give him an opportunity to miss you. I still think you should back away. At most, send a "happy birthday e-mail." His feelings for you may increase, or they may not. The best way to find out is to move out and withdraw a bit. Really - let him get a taste of life without you. See him only every 2 weeks or so.

 

So, do you two still have plans for his birthday? Or have those been scrapped. Has he "reconfirmed" them with you?

[annie24]

My bf of 6 months told me he didn't love me (like he's been capable of loving others before) last Sunday and told me that eventually (in 2-3 months) I should move out and he wants to meet someone to marry, so he will go on dating. He's turning 32 tomorrow, I'm 24.

 

But wait - he said this. This sounds like a breakup to me.

[LiquidCherry]

Last Sunday, he didn't come out and say " We should end it right now, today and you should leave" .We had plans for his birthday, as well as New Year's.

 

This is what he did say, as your previous post stated:

 

My bf broke up with me this sunday. His reason was that he is 7 years older than me, and he has a 'schedule' (he wants to get married before its too late) and that he doesnt love me the way he did at the beginning of our relationship, or like he loved other women before. He cant get married with that component missing.

 

When someone breaks up with you they don't say that they want to drag things out for a bit longer first, they break up with you. They don't need to verbalize that they are ending things today because that is exactly what they are doing and it should be fairly obvious.

 

He didn't say that you had to leave right away because the two of you were living together. He is giving you some time to find someplace decent to live, pack up, and move out. That doesn't mean he wants to continue dating you during the process. If he simply didn't want to live with you at this point because he thought things went to fast he would have said, "Hey, I think we moved a little too quickly and I think it would be better for our relationship right now if we didn't live together." He wouldn't have broken up with you if this was what he wanted.

 

Some people when they break up keep their plans that they had made during the relationship. I've done this before, had friends who have done this before, and read countless posts about people doing this. I hate breaking plans, most people are taught that it is rude. I think this might be why it happens but regardless, I've always found it to be both painful and awkward and it certainly does not gaurntee you will get your ex back. I remember crying myself to sleep after a trip to NYC with an ex who wanted to remain an ex.

 

I am sorry for being so harsh but I get the impression that you are not accepting what he has told you. I know it's hard but it's something you have to do.

[kaoticbaby]

simple answer: NO.

he didn't want you in his life, birthday or not. don't give in.

[octopus]

OK, all of you are right, and I am so weak and falling apart.

 

I will not give up. I will be strong. He didn't want me in his life and he has to miss me and come back to me if anything's going to change at all. Thanks for being harsh with me. Please keep up your support, I need it.

 

I will send him a short email message, after all we're civilized people, but I will not mention anything about our relationship in that.

 

When I go back to his place 3 weeks from now to pack up, I'll see how I feel and either talk to him or just pack up and leave.

 

Please keep up your support; i need it.

[LiquidCherry]

This is a much better attitude to take. You might feel weak but really you are not. It takes a lot of strength to make it through heartbreak. It is a good idea not to write anything about your relationshipw when you wish him a happy birthday. Short and sweet and to the point is the way to go. Stay strong and keep in mind that if there is a chance you won't have to fight for it or make one.. He will let you know. Until then, stick with your plans of NC.

[Relationship Coach]

My bf of 6 months told me he didn't love me (like he's been capable of loving others before) last Sunday and told me that eventually (in 2-3 months) I should move out and he wants to meet someone to marry, so he will go on dating.

 

What more do you need to hear? You are trying too hard to look for loop holes in his statements. What is acceptable to him? Why would you want to be subjected to throwing yourself at him with counter offers? It seems very clear that you are not what he wants for a long term relationship. I agree with the majority here, NC is a must! Let him go and find someone who wants to be with you. Remember...don't find someone you can live with, find someone you can't live with out!

[octopus]

Tomorrow is his 32nd birthday, and although I wrote a long email today to attach to his birthday message tomorrow (listing all the reasons that make sense to me as to why we should give it another shot) I will NOT send it.

 

Reading this site made me realize that there are couples who are unsure of their feelings. There are people who lived together and then broke up but months later moved back in together. There are people who, after months of NC, called the other to find they were waiting to be contacted. This was all I needed to know; I needed to know that there was a little hope, so while I keep making myself stronger with NC, I could also dream.

 

Tomorrow is his birthday, and I will only send him an email with no relationship stuff attached. I will not send him antyhing else until Jan 1st when I will see him again after 4 weeks. I hope to be much stronger then.

Me being gone for that long, if he's missed me, then we'll talk. If not, i hope i'll be strong enough to leave someone who doesn't love me and move out.

 

If i get a surprise response for the bday email tomorrow, i'll post it but i don't think so. He can't have a change of heart on 7 days, can he? Overall, it's been 7 days since the breaking of the break up news, and 7 days of NC, and I feel that if I'd sent him those 1000 emails I wanted to write, I'd have lost ALL my chances.

[LiquidCherry]

It is good to write to get your feelings out and I'm glad you are also not planning on sending this to him. Just for some confirmation that you're doing the right thing: You cannot convince someone by using logic to want to be with you, Logic does not change feelings which simply are what they are. The only thing that causes feelings to change is time and circumstance, for better or for worse and even this is not a gaurntee.

[octopus]

Ok, today is his birthday. And once again I am struggling between sending a plain birthday message or writing to him that we deserve more time... I can't take this anymore. This is so hard. What if he says NO? What if he says YES but how will it work with a broken heart? Nothing will ever be the same. I need a miracle. And a doctor.

[nataliejulie]

My ex dumped me two weeks prior to his birthday. I sent him a very simple card saying "wish you the best", and actually put photobooth pics of us in the card. I didn't get a response, a call, nada. It made me feel worse than I did before I sent the card. Nor did he ever mention it.

 

You get my point?

[LiquidCherry]

There really is no reason to send him a birthday greeting. Like I said before, if it really was important to him for you to be there on his birthday he wouldn't have broken up with you. Now, if you still feel like it would be rude not to (which by the way, it isn't but if that's how you feel..) it would be okay to send him a simple e-mail saying, "Happy Birthday, have a good one," or something like that. Nothing more. Trust me, if he was having second thoughts of wanting to be with you he would bring them up. Trying to convince him with words and logic won't do a darn thing other than convince him that he really doesn't want to be with you. The dumpee is put in a rather helpless prediciment because nothing they do can bring their ex back, the only thing they can do is drive them away. If your ex comes back it will be because of him.

 

When my boyfriend broke up with me after about a week I came over, pled my case, and basically begged for another chance. He agreed but it didn't feel right deep down. I got an e-mail later that night. He was angry, he felt like he was guilted into saying yes and made it very clear that if, IF he comes back he wants it to be because he made up his own mind that it is what he wants to do. He was angry he was convinced and felt manipulated. That's when I let it go and did my best to move on. And yes, he did come back but it wasn't because of anything I did. If I had continued acting the way I had been I would have pushed him further and further away. I stayed away and that's when he realized he wanted and needed me in his life.

[LiquidCherry]

BTW: If you cannot restrain yourself from adding your thoughts on why you should be together in your birthday greeting why not send nothing at all? Sometimes cold turkey is easier. And if you cannot send it understanding you may not get any response you desire or even a response at all do not send it. Don't do anything that will set you back.