Husband Walked Out

[novaseeker]

It sounds like people are clueing in to the reality of the situation and his behavior. He certainly does seem like he is on a self-indulgent and self-destructive path. You, however, seem to be doing very well under the difficult circumstances.

 

A lot of men play the poor mouth game when it comes to divorces and the financial aspects of them. It's probably nonsense since he seems to have enough cash for his new girlfriend. Again, if he really does stop paying at some point I'd recommend not letting that continue for too long before trying to get an order compelling him to pay.

[brokenwings75]

I saw the two of them together with some of his friends at a bar tonight. Thankfully they didn't see me. If he has enough money to be out drinking with her, then he can certainly pay the bills.

 

He was dumb enough to call the hotel he's staying with her in from his cell phone, and sure enough they are both checked in. He is really ruining any arguments he might have thought he had.

[brokenwings75]

So I've heard now that drugs may be involved in my husband's suspicious behavior. That is a scary thing. I don't know what to think about it, except that it makes certain aspects of his behavior make more sense. I don't know if he's doing it or not, but that's the word coming down the line.

 

Right now he is out of town again, supposedly looking for work in his new state of choice and shacking up with his girlfriend.

 

I seriously hope he gets his head on straight someday. It is very sad to watch him just throw his life away.

[novaseeker]

What exactly is coming down the line? Does his girlfriend do drugs? Is there any history of drug abuse?

[brokenwings75]

No history of drug abuse. He tried some things back in college before we were married, but he was never into that kind of stuff. It wasn't something that we ever did or were interested in doing.

 

I don't know if the girlfriend does drugs, but I know that his friend there and that friend's girlfriend (who is a good friend of my husband's new girlfriend) do a lot of cocaine. Regularly.

 

He told a friend that the reason he ended up with the girlfriend in the first place was because they got drunk together and he ended up doing cocaine with her. I asked if he was doing it regularly, but this "friend" doesn't know. The friend says that the husband is feeling a lot of guilt and pressure from his girlfriend over the whole situation. I haven't been able to get any more information and I don't really understand what the guilt and pressure part means. In the beginning of all of this, I asked my husband if he was on drugs and he denied it, but I didn't expect anything different. Drug users usually don't confess.

[WildChild]

Jeez, another spoon to add to the pot! He is feeling a lot of guilt and pressure from his gf? And this is going to last? Doubtful. He gave up a solid marriage for a little sowing of his wild oats and now he is stuck homeless, jobless, with a girl doing drugs and all the life that comes with drugs, and no sense of decency to straighten out his mistakes. What's next.

[novaseeker]

Wow. He sounds like he is on a roadway to diaster. Its amazing the decisions people make sometimes, it really is.

[brokenwings75]

He is definitely on the roadway to disaster. It is all very shocking because it is completely the opposite of the kind of person he has always been. Nobody seems to know what is going on with him because he's not opening up to anybody but the gf. Everyone is worried about him, but I think his refusal to hear what anybody has to say has cost him those relationships. I keep telling people that there's nothing they can say to him that will change his mind or the path that he is on right now. He is just determined to find out the hard way and that's how it's going to be.

 

I heard that he may not be coming back to town after this week if he finds out that he's lost his job. He didn't bother to tell me that himself, but he's been able to convince himself that he's been honest with me throughout this whole process. He's also been able to convince himself that we're no longer legally married because he's living elsewhere. And because he refuses to get himself a lawyer, he still believes that he will be able to get a divorce four months from now. (He won't, especially if he moves.) It is amazing the things a person can convince himself of when he is terrified to face the truth.

 

I was telling a friend today that it's so frustrating that outsiders know more about what's going on in our marriage than I do. Friends are the ones filling me in on all the things that he tells them that he doesn't want me to know. I never tell anyone anything that I don't want to get back to him, but because I never tell him the things I hear, he doesn't realize that the word gets around. I'm even trying to not talk about the situation with friends so much anymore, but I think everyone is still in shock and they need to talk about it as much as I do.

 

The gf thing is definitely not going to last. Apparently she has a history of failed long-distance relationships. Right now she's into what he can give her and how he can spend his money on her - the high maintenance type. He's running out of money fast, and once the money is gone, she'll be gone, too. And he's going to get to his meltdown phase and she's not going to want to make that investment. That's why she's not important. She's just his excuse right now, his distraction. He can't be distracted forever.

[novaseeker]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It is very hard when other people know more about what is happening than you do, although this is natural to some degree in these situations. It seems again like you know what you're doing, and he doesn't. It's difficult, but he seems like he's making a mess of things, and you need to watch out for yourself in that situation ... which it seems like you're doing pretty well.

 

Hang in there.

[brokenwings75]

Thanks. I'm doing better every day. The roller coaster gets easier to deal with because now I know what to expect. It is difficult, but it will be okay. I figure that if I just wait for the tough moments to pass, easier moments will come.

 

Thankfully I have never blamed myself for any of this or had to wonder about all the what-ifs. I couldn't even imagine what kind of nightmare it would turn into if I did that!

[Dako]

Broken,

 

I can tell you're having some rough days.

 

To be honest, it might be good to minimize dwelling on your ex's newfound "splendor." I realize how easy this is for me to say, but you're the one that needs care. Be good to yourself. It's a long haul, but even little things like new clothes or an outing with good company help a lot. You can't process everything overnight, so don't demand too much of yourself.

 

It will get better, just not quickly enough. I'm still slogging along myself.

[meme]

If he is possibly into cocaine, file now. It can go downhill really fast, as I know from exprience with my ex. I would also move on selling the house quickly if you cant afford it alone. If he is into coke, he might not be capable of holding up a job. Some coke addicts can for years, others can't. Its not worth the risk to your own finances and credit history. coke would certainly explain the changes in his behavior. if he is doing coke, you can't expect him to be rational about the divorce that he asked for, or do what needs to be done. ask your attorney how you might need to protect yourself financially (including his possibly ability to incur debts you could be liabel for) if he indeed has a drug problem.

 

Also, why are you looking at his cell phone records? or checking hotel records? he has left. he's with someone else. what details do you really need to know? don't let yourself become obsessed with him, it can be its own sickness and it will only bring you down. you cant control him, and knowledge about what hes doing wont give you that control. you can only control your own choices. instead of looking at his cell phone bill online, watch a good movie, call a friend, write scathing things in a diary, plan that next europe trip, just do something.

 

take care!

[brokenwings75]

I understand what you are saying, meme, and I appreciate your message. Sometimes you can become obsessed with something and not notice. I don't think I've gotten there, and hopefully I won't. I check the cell records when the bill comes online because he's not the one paying it anymore, so I pretty much have to look at it or turn the phones off. As for anything else, he has put me in a position where I have to gather evidence against him for a potentially nasty case. I hope it doesn't get there, but I still need to protect myself. Maybe that's my justification, I don't know. I'm not hunting down the information on a regular basis. He puts it all right in front of me in places I have no choice but to look because I'm the only responsible one left.

 

To be honest, I would rather not know what he was doing at all and that people would stop telling me things about him, but even when I ask them not to, they feel compelled to do so. I have gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore and I just want everything to be over so that I can start a new life. But he is the one choosing divorce, so unless I have some solid proof of drug abuse (I can't go on gossip) or something else that would be detrimental to me, I won't be the one to file. I'm moving on either way and I'm getting better at it. Things are coming along and they will continue to come along. I'm not expecting much of myself right now - just take the days as they come, come what may.

[brokenwings75]

Well, I went to my lawyer today and he's filing a divorce from bed and board and a temporary support order this week. My husband will be moving in with his girlfriend in a different state in two weeks, so I have to act now. I'd previously gave him the opportunity to know that it was going to come if we couldn't come to an agreement, but now that I've done it, I didn't tell him and won't tell him. I'm sure he'll be very angry once he's served with the legal papers, but my lawyer told me that I don't have a choice anymore and that I'm putting myself at too much risk if I don't act before he moves.

 

Ironically, he chose to call me today to "talk" about coming to some agreements and how he's going to see a lawyer soon. I told him that if he wasn't going to be honest with me, then there's nothing that we can talk about now and no way that we can come to any kind of agreement. He admitted that he's going to live with his girlfriend and that he's afraid that I'll use that against him, and he thinks that that's all there is to being honest. I have reached the end of my rope in negotiations with him and can't do it anymore. I guess that's a good thing, since he'll probably only want to deal with my lawyer after he gets the court order. It's unfortunate because I didn't want to waste money that way, but it seems like we can never come to an agreement if we keep interacting this way.

[coldnalone]

Hi all. I am new to this sight on line here, but not new to divorce. My first marriage ended 12 years ago. We had 2 kids, so we tried, but he wanted other woman. I remarried what I thought was my soul mate 8 years ago. We dated 2 years. Se went through the first year of finding everyting we had in common to the second phoas, findidng all the differences. It worked out, we had all the same goals and trust issued, so we married. 6 happy years. 7 and 8 years later on, November 16th he told me "He was not in love with me anymore". Pulled the rug right out. He wasen't cheating, we avoided me all the time with errands and the likes. On Thanksgiving day, he asked for a divorce. Cruel. He's staying at his Mom's which he hates and never sees. He has no money for a nice apartment. I own the house! I make more than him, MORE! Well, i was in TOTAL shock until tonight. I would stare at the floor and not realise 4 hours went by. I Cried and waled like a trusting animal shot several times and left to die , cold, hungry in the woods for weeks, crawling. I begged, pleaded and made a "Bummy" out of myself. I feel like someone used a hand mixer on my heart. He was Emotionally and Mentalls Abusive to be for 2 years, when I found out I was Ill. It all started. Also, he has been into body building will all the GNC stuff. The day he told me HDLM Anymore, I ran up the stairs and swallowed a bottle of pills.I screamed for him to call 911. He came up stairs and stook there, saying throw up. I nor he didn't know "These" pills do NOT come up. 15 min's went buy. I called my best friend and told her what I took, she is a nurse, she said call 911 NOW. I said, can I die, she said yes. He would not call. I did laying on the floor. He never called me or came to see me at the hospital for the 4 days I was in. I came home to find some of his big items missing. He had moved to mommy while I was in the hospital. I know, he is NOT worth it. But i am shocky, fresh wounds, raw suffering. I begged him for a week. Tonight, I told him I want someone who loves me. This shock syndrome is just overwhelming. Any help?? Thanks!!!

[silentalways]

well, speaking as someone with an addiction, i am not surprised at the reaction people give or the reactions i get. see, when i decided to be honest about my addiction, that was a sign i didn't want to live like that anymore and i will not. i really don't care about the people that will 'use' that against me. its just like when u have an illness, like depression or a disorder, if people see that instead of the person, that's their problem. and to generalizes what people can and can't do is simply showing their own bias. i once used to drink and drive. never do now. i have tackled and beaten things much worse than this and i embrance those who have the courage to stand by someone when they are struggling instead of kicking them when they are down - that's way too easy to do. and it is actually motivational. i know that someone i once was with has told everyone about my troubles and painted a one-sided picture and it is impossible to even talk with them now. that's fine with me. i have grown up, and will not let others who are not even a part of my life dictate how my life unfolds. those are not friends. i have never treated the many people that have suffered this way and i will not allow others to do that to me. i have regained my confidence and strength and have moved on. those who have supported and understood and care or willing to try are welcome in my life - the others are not. that is said without bitterness or anger, just time to start living a normal life again.

[CrushedNShocked]

Brokenwings,

 

Reading your initial thread, I felt a huge sense of deja vu. I am sorry you're going through this... I wish I had more to say... I am mostly sitting here, thinking... wow... this is insane...

 

Take care of yourself...

[willbeok]

Dear Brokenwings,

I know that these posts are from a few years ago, but in case you can get this email, I would very much appreciate any insights you can give on how coped. My situation is uncannily similar to yours (minus the offending 3rd party, I think). He has just "given up" and is now rewriting history to justify his actions. The pain is very bad.. any advice?

[LAYAAN]

How the hell does the a woman (OP's husband's current GF) can do this to other woman? Why does she not tell this man to either work it out with his wife or get divorced (not in process, but finalize) and only then she will be with him. If women learned to respect themselves this wont' happen. I understand that its the husband that strayed, but what is the other woman thinking? Why does she support this? She is gonnabe the next one in the line. These kinda men dont change. They just flee from one woman to the next.

 

Who knows probably the other woman is putting pressure on him now. Thats why he had to go on this weekend trip with "his friends" (which I believe was her only). That's why he has to pull the plug now.

 

OP, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I really am. I will pray for you. Please hang in there. You will be fine, but you will have to go through this hard time.

[LAYAAN]

I started counseling today, so hopefully that will help.

He just turned 30 this year and didn't seem to have an easy time dealing with that at first. I think it was probably the real start of his life crisis.

May be he got married a little too early. He hasn't gotten fun n thrill of women completely out of his system yet.

[agent1607307371]

Mod Note: This thread is from 2005.