Husband Walked Out

[brokenwings75]

So today was a better day for me. I saw the husband tonight and said some things I needed to say. It was another one of those moments where everything just seemed so clear and I could see myself without him anymore. I'm proud of the way I handled things with him tonight, so that really makes me feel better.

 

Also one of "his" friends (really our friend) came to visit me tonight. He had originally said that he couldn't really talk to me, but I guess people are starting to come around. The friend said the same thing everyone else has said to me - he's just not acting like himself right now.

 

I know that there are going to be days when I'm comfortable being alone and days when I just need to be with friends, but it's harder to remember that on the rough days. The easier days usually last longer than the rough days, so that part is nice. I'm sure it will get to the point where more days are easy than rough, so hopefully I can remember that when I'm having another rough one.

[WildChild]

I'm sure it will get to the point where more days are easy than rough, so hopefully I can remember that when I'm having another rough one.

 

And you are so right! Minutes of good times will turn into hours, and then days etc...

 

I am glad to hear that your friends are starting to come around, and also seeing the light in all of this. People can only put up a charade for so long before the truth comes out, and it sounds like your husband's charade is loosing its wind.

[brokenwings75]

I finally got to talk to my mother-in-law last night, but she wasn't interested in anything I had to say. I guess she'd heard it all from him already. She insinuated that this was my fault somehow and that it's okay that he has a gf but he's still married to me. She actually said that she just wished it was all over and she hates to see her child suffer. So that's all I needed to hear to know for sure that she's not worth my time anymore. For ten years I was part of a family that would turn its back on me in a heartbeat, so I'm done with it. If that's how it has to be, it's not worth it to waste my time on them anymore. I thought since she was so shocked by what happened that she'd at least want to hear some of the things I might have had to say, but all she was worried about was herself and how she's dealing with this. She can't even sympathize with how I feel. She went so far as to tell me that I should sell my house now so he can do what he wants faster. She said to me, "Nothing's ever going to be the same." You got that right, lady!

 

Meanwhile, my sister-in-law is telling me that the gf is dressing the husband up like her very own Ken doll, which I think is hilarious. He has all these new clothes in styles that he's always hated, in sizes too small for him that she's convinced him he can fit into. He's constantly telling me and anyone who will listen that I changed who he was and the reality is that she's the one who's changing him. He's a toy to her and my heart hurts for the depths to which he's going to fall when this girl finds a new toy. The sad thing is that his mom thinks I'm holding onto some false hopes that he's misguided, but I know him better than that. Regret is a sad thing and she'll wish she'd paid more attention to what I was telling her when that day comes for him.

[WildChild]

I am just assuming, but it sounds like his mother is self-centered. This may just be about how it is effecting her as the mother....boo, hoo! You are right to write them off if after 10 years if they don't have any decency towards you. She has her head stuck in the ground...she doesn't want to admit what her son is doing is called audultry. Maybe it's an embarrassment to her deep down and that's why she wants it all over. My ex's gf mother tried to justify it to me too, didn't fly. I figured if you can justify something like that, than you are no better than them lady! If she continues to tell you what you should be doing tell her that your life is none of her business anymore! I'm sorry that you lost someone you thought loved you (his family), but apparently the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He sounds just like what you described his mother to be: self serving.

[WildChild]

One last thing, karma always gets ya and when it does, it will come back 10 fold.....his day of karma is coming. I know I have said it to you before, but it's true. In some way, shape or form his day of karma is going to get him

[brokenwings75]

You're right, Wild Child. Karma has its own rewards, but the sweetest revenge will be how successful I am without him and his self-serving family. I'm tired of looking back. I'm getting started with a lot of things now that I wanted to do for a long time but never got around to because I was focusing on being a good wife and friend to him. Now that it's all about me, I'm ready to start reaping the rewards of devoting time to myself and my dreams.

[brokenwings75]

So I decided to take a trip to Europe on my own for a few days in January. Yay, me! However, the husband has told everyone we know that I never wanted to travel out of the country, so he's having a problem dealing with the fact that I'm going. Last spring I tried to get him interested in a vacation to Europe, but he didn't want to go. He said to me at the time, "I just don't want to leave the country right now," so we didn't go. I was disappointed, but I didn't want to push.

 

His brother told me today, "He's really upset that you're going. He doesn't understand why you decided to do this now when you wouldn't before." I told his brother that it's none of the husband's business. I can't help it that he never wanted to go anywhere and now, to justify his recent behavior, he's made me out to be the one that never wanted to go anywhere. I only told him because he pressured me to find out where I was going and I was sick of his questions, but now he insists on blabbing my business to everybody.

 

His family had their Christmas thing this weekend and I had a tough time dealing with that. But I am starting to think that I should cut it off with my brother-in-law and his wife for a while just to make things easier on myself. They've always been my best friends, but I just don't know if I can deal with constantly hearing how the husband is irritated that I'm spending time with them. It might be better to just not see them for a while. I don't know what the best way to handle that situation right now is, though. They're in a tough spot with him living at their house for the time being, and they are the ones that understand him the best, so it's easy for me to lean on them. But the way they insist on tiptoeing around his feelings about them seeing me is too much for me to bear sometimes.

 

I'm starting to doubt the decision I've made about staying in my house for a while. He's having problems dealing with my decision, but that's not my concern. I'm just starting to wonder if maybe I would be better off if I just made a clean break from this part of my life. I know that it's not what I want to do right now, but I am starting to second guess myself. I'm starting to wonder if maybe it would just be easier (albiet more expensive) to just let it all go and give him what he wants. My head thinks the smarter thing is to just stay in the house for the time I'm legally allowed and try to save up some money, but my heart thinks it would be easier to not have face the memories in every corner of this house every day. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern right now and I'm afraid that if I don't leave this part behind right now, I might end up stuck in that place for longer than I'd like.

[Dako]

Brokenwing,

 

You still sound rational enough to come out of this like a rose.

 

If real estate prices are as insane as in my area, waiting until you're feeling better might be a good idea.

When my wife dumped me, I just wanted to wipe the slate clean and move on. As time goes by a more careful approach looks better. Lotsa money involved in a house, and a mistake could be costly. You worked hard for that equity, so don't take it for granted.

 

Going to Europe sounds like a plan! I'm considering a little time there in after the divorce and house are settled.

[brokenwings75]

I'm excited about Europe. I haven't decided where to go yet. I'm not going to let his attitude about it bring me down. I'm just going for a few days, but I think maybe this summer I'll take a little extra time and stay for a while.

[WildChild]

Good for you about Europe

 

I have to agree with Dako about the house. I know it is difficult, but you don't want to give away your part of the equity. You are going to need that down the road What I did is I packed away all of the sentimental things in the house, or the things that reminded me of him. Maybe that is something to consider?

[Dako]

What I did is I packed away all of the sentimental things in the house, or the things that reminded me of him. Maybe that is something to consider?

 

That sounds like a great idea. When I've gone to the house to pick up things from the garage, there's an-ever-growing pile of my stuff in the corner, things I bought or picked out that she wasn't wild about. It really makes me laugh to see what got the boot.

 

She pulled up the carpets had had the floors refinished and moved everything around. Changing her nest must help a lot. She signed up for snowboarding lessons and bought some new clothes that look really good on her.

 

Whatever does the job!

[novaseeker]

Just briefly ....

 

The trip to Europe is a brilliant idea! Your ex ofc won't like it, they rarely do like any sign that you're doing something for yourself at this early stage of the game, but that's irrelevant. Good plan!

 

On the inlaws: yes, it may make sense to distance from them. I had the same awkward stuff around my ex-inlaws and honestly 2 years later I still do. I minimize my contact with them. It just works better that way, and I think they agree.

 

On the house, do not do anything rash. You want your equity from the house. Do not give up the equity because of what you are feeling right now, it's important to hang in there and get what you need financially when going through a divorce, as annoying and painful as that is.

 

Good luck and hang in there!

[brokenwings75]

He came and picked up his stuff and that was weird. It was like he was disappointed that I had it ready for him, even though he knew he was coming to take his stuff. He got pretty nasty because I won't sell the house, but it's not up for discussion. He's threatening that he's not going to pay bills when he's not living here, but I'm not dealing with those kinds of arguments. Hopefully he'll be busy with his gf for the rest of the year and I won't have to deal with him anymore. (The sad thing for him is that he thinks it's not cheating if he's not with me. He is lying to himself and for that I feel sorry for him.) It gets more and more difficult to be a good, decent person when he's purposely trying to make me angry. But I have to do that for me or I will go insane.

 

The thing I don't understand is why he expects me to feel sorry for him or sympathize with the situation he's chosen to put himself in. I don't expect to ever understand that one. It's frustrating because he's the one that's really walking away with everything in tact and I'm left trying to put the pieces of my life together. I don't expect any sympathy from him over that, just respect and understanding. I still think the bodysnatchers got him. Ha ha!

[WildChild]

Because they truly, truly believe that they are the victims. That they deserve to be happy and we have kept them from their happiness and why can't we just see it as clear as them yada, yada, yada.....

 

Tell him you will file a Motion for Temporary Spousal Maintenance while you are living there AND since it's not cheating, you are going to hit the dating curcuit as well.....would love to be a fly on the wall for THAT reaction LOL

[brokenwings75]

I'm painting the room we kept his "toys" in tonight. That should be fun. I think I'll paint bad words about him all over the walls before I do the real painting. Ha ha!

[Dako]

For what you're going through, you sure are sweet.

You could have painted his toys for him!

[brokenwings75]

Well, I finished the painting but I didn't write any bad words. Just painted. But picked a color he would hate and get a lot of satisfaction out of that! Ha ha!

 

Merry Christmas all!

[newby]

Brokenwings75 my heart nearly stopped when I read your threads tonight. I found out on 1st December that my husband of 21 yrs was having an affair and that it had gone on for 2 1/2 yrs. A work colleague. Your story completely mirrors what I am going through just now. The man who was completely devoted to me for so many years and everyone thought was my perfect match - my soulmate, now is saying we were never really happy, we argued all the time, I was controlling blah blah blah. My reality and that of my children was we were a very happy family until about 2 - 3 yrs ago when he became distant and withdrawn. At this present time he has become cruel and callous towards me even though he knows the pain he has caused. he denies it has hurt his kids and thinks it will all be OK in time. I feel cast aside. He behaves as though he dosen't even like me anymore and does not care what further damage he inflicts. He is making a song and dance about selling the house and splitting the money. I am reeling still. less than a month ago he and I were planning our family Christmas and now he is demanding the house is sold! He keeps saying I told you I wasn't happy as though that makes it OK to sleep with another woman. Before this we knew things were not quite right and he kept telling me he wanted us to stay together and work it out. He cared for me and liked the life we had. I found out about the affair by chance and now he has turned into a cruel callous monster. I wish I could just switch off the love. I wish it was hate I felt for him now. My marriage is either over or in for a long seperation. I don't think I could trust him again, or even like him again and most certainly not respect him. He has also been abducted by aliens and a cold monster is inhabiting his body. Reading your threads helped enourmously. You seem to be working through things. I wish I could fast forward my life now to the point when I don't feel my heart has been ripped out. I would appreciate any advice you could offer.

 

I wish you a Merry Christmas and a fantastic 2006. x

[WildChild]

You could have painted his toys for him!

 

I love it, wouldn't that be a nice gift LOL

[WildChild]

Merry Christmas broken.....how are you doing today?

[brokenwings75]

Merry Christmas! I had a nice holiday with my family. My little brother, who is 4, said to me, "I don't like that [husband] left." I felt bad for him because I know he misses seeing him.

 

My house is a wreck. Since most of his things are gone, I've decided to rearrange and get some work done on the house and now it's a disaster! I guess that will keep me busy this week while I am on vacation for work!

 

He is spending the holidays with his girlfriend, which doesn't make me happy but hasn't bothered me today either. His mom called me about going to their church service on Christmas Eve, but I didn't answer the phone or return her call. I think it's especially rude of her considering the way she backstabbed me and has treated me, so I'm not even going to bother with a response. His nieces and nephews haven't even thanked me for the gifts I bought them (husband had no idea that I had gifts for them or what they were; he didn't get them gifts on his own) and I know they opened them last week. So I think my decision to keep contact to a minimum with those people is the best thing for me right now. No calls, no emails. Maybe they will get the message.

 

I have to give the girlfriend credit. She's done a pretty good job of brainwashing him. I used to think it was strange that women would defend their husbands and blame the other woman in these kinds of situations, but it's funny how your opinion changes when it's happening to you instead of someone else. I know him so well that I know exactly every thing she would have to say to him to put the seeds of doubt in his head that started this whole thing. Not that he doesn't have a mind of his own, but I don't think he's using that part of his body right now. Especially the way and how quickly this all happened. I just keep thinking, "Damn, she is good!" Ha ha!

 

All in all, Christmas was not as difficult as I thought it was going to be. And with all of my friends busy with their own Christmas plans, I was not as miserable alone as I have been in the past couple of weeks. I think being productive really helps. I think being able to come to terms a little more each day with the fact that this really, honestly doesn't have anything to do with me is really helping me to just keep moving every day. I take full responsibility for loving, trusting, supporting and respecting him, but I take no responsibility for the fact that he made a mistake and now he's feeling the pressure from his gf to change his life over it. (And that is a word that comes from the grapevine - "pressure" is the word one of his friends used to describe his relationship with the gf.)

[brokenwings75]

And so the tide turns back to sadness and loneliness. Ah well, I guess that's how it goes. Good days, bad days, sad days, angry days. I find myself getting more and more angry and I guess that's normal, but I don't want to be an angry person. It's more frustration than anger, I think. I say I don't want to talk to him and then when I don't, I get upset. I am most frustrated that he doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I know why and I try not to let myself get angry over it, but I can't help it. When something good happens, I want to tell him. When something bad happens, I want to tell him. But he's not here.

 

He hates me and I love him. He wants me to just get over it like he did and move on and I don't want to give up on us. I don't know how to tell if the right thing to do is give up or if it's to hold on. Everything seems wrong, every decision feels wrong.

 

I know this will go on for a while and today's feelings will pass and tomorrow's feelings might be different and better, and that's difficult. The few friends that I have left are sick of hearing about it and are avoiding me. I try to not talk about it, but that rarely works.

 

Oh well, I know I will get there. I just have to be strong.

[WildChild]

He may think he's over it, but truly in his heart he isn't. I guarantee if they would call it quits now, the first number he would be ringing is yours. Keep going to counseling, continue the legal steps and find your solice within yourself.

[newby]

Sorry you are feeling this way, I am right there with you.

 

It is so hard to switch off feelings of love even when they behave appallingly. I am trying to console myself with the thoughts that my husband will one day regret his actions and I will be strong enough at that time to take the higher ground and tell him to shove it.

 

I am finding it is two steps forward at the moment then three back which is very frustrating. I have better days and think I will be OK and then I am back into the depths of dispair. Sounds like you are having the same experience.

 

You sound like a strong person and a kind person. Life will be good again, we just need to be strong as you said and we will get through.

[brokenwings75]

I know what you mean, newby. It's like two steps forward and a hundred back for me. I feel like I am losing my mind some days. The hardest part is going to sleep alone every night. It's too quiet in the house, it's too cold in the spot next to me where he should be. We used to giggle and tease each other for a few minutes before going to sleep and now that's gone. Just me and the cat.

 

I know he's not over it. I know he's just being selfish and consumed with lust for this girl right now. I know he hasn't even begun to deal with the ramifications of his decision yet. He is only thinking about the moment and he thinks he's right. I can tell by what he has told me that he is confused himself about what he's doing, but he's the type that will see something through once he's made a decision out of some perceived obligation.

 

I am trying hard to control myself and to keep myself from emailing him or texting him. I know that the more contact I have with him, the more he is pushed away from me and toward her. I have no doubts that this relationship he's gotten himself mixed up in won't work out. I know that he only thinks that he loves her and that she's his "soulmate." It's easy for him to think that when she's whispering it in his ear day and night. I am trying to keep myself from thinking all the horrible jealous thoughts, like how he must be when he's with her and how he was with me in the beginning, but that's not working.

 

I am trying to keep busy and distract myself, but sometimes the emptiness in the house and the pain in my heart seems just unbearable. I get through it, but I am sick of feeling this way. I know I have to do it, but it is hard. None of my friends and family seem to understand - they think I should just get over it so that they don't have to worry about me anymore. I think the trying to be normal on the outside while falling apart on the inside is one of the hardest things I've ever had to face.