Husband Walked Out

[brokenwings75]

He moved out of the house the day he came home and told me and he hasn't been back except for when I've let him come by and pick up some things (and he has to wait on the porch until I bring them to him). He's paranoid about me having my own lawyer. He thinks they're going to talk me into all of these things and that I can't think for myself all of a sudden. I tried to explain to him that we both need separate legal advice, but he just doesn't get it.

 

I made it very clear to my lawyer that I do not agree with what he's doing and that I didn't think that he was thinking about everything fully, and I think my lawyer offered some pretty good advice for dealing with things legally.

 

I officially think that my husband has cracked up. If I do talk to him, the things he complains about get more and more nonsensical. He is talking to this girl 24/7 and I think she's helping to put a lot of crazy thoughts into his head. It's like he thinks he's going to wake up a completely different person once I'm out of his life. Too bad it doesn't work that way.

[WildChild]

Yup, Karma has a gr8 way of coming back and biting you. His day of Karma is coming. It may not be today or tomorrow, but someday he will have to pay his dues. And as I always say, when Karma comes it will be ten fold

[Dako]

Thanks for the update.

 

I can't imagine going through a divorce and having a gf. Divorce is chaotic enough, but adding an outsider with her own agenda must be torture.

What a mess.

[brokenwings75]

Yeah, the whole gf thing makes it twice as complicated. A lot of the things he is saying to me I can tell are not him, so I think he's being encouraged by her to go through with all of this. I know he has a mind of his own, but he's always been more easily influenced by what others think of him than I would have liked.

 

It's hard to not get frustrated when you know that you would have done absolutely anything in the world to help make someone happy but they can't understand or appreciate that. It's frustrating when there's nothing you can say or do to make them realize that they are going off the deep end. Especially when you care so much about them. I've done all I can do for him and I just choose to take it day by day and do the best I can for myself right now.

 

I lost my temper with him for the first time the other day and called him a name, but then I apologized and explained that I was just angry and hurt by his constant meanness toward me. He sent me emails today asking about some of our accounts and he brought that up like I've done it from the beginning. I'm like, "Hey buddy, if that's your only example of meanness on my part, you've been pretty lucky so far." I'm not going to let him encourage me to act on emotion or get caught up in childish arguments. That's exactly what he wants. He can't even comprehend why I should be upset about anything and that is very frustrating. But I just keep trying to keep my cool because I know it will pay off for me in the end. Unfortunately, his luck will have run out by then.

[WildChild]

What may happen, if it hasn't already, is that he is going to play the victim and it all boils down to justification in his mind. If he plays the victim in this, then it makes it easier for him to sleep at night. Keep telling yourself "sticks and stones" and don't let his careless, mean words get to you. Remind yourself everyday that his words are empty because they are built out of lies, deceipt and self justification.

[ocrob]

Let me just say that men say and do stupid things. If he is like the rest of us, he will possibly be begging you back. They always say the grass is greener on the otherside. None of us know your true situation. I am guessing it is not justified, but one never knows. I will give you the benefit of the doubt because you are on here and sound so wonderful. I think it is so amazing that you want to try to work things out. I say that you distance yourself from him and show him no attention. When he falls on his face, then you can decide if you want to be with him or not. I see that you are pretty young and I don't know his age. If he was 50, then I would say he was going through some sort of mid life crisis. I can't imagine the woman that he is with is a good person. Most people that cling on to someone who is taken are not. I am guessing that she will use him and he will fall bad. I guess you need to decide if he is worth picking up. Either way, I say that you don't stroke his ego and act like it does not matter to you anymore. I have learned that men and women feed off of their ex's wanting them back. Once you turn your cheek, they start to wonder. The human mind has such a big ego. I know my ex girlfriend loved me coming back for her and when I stopped, she payed attention to me. I don't know what you should do, but I know you should not beg for him back. Just decide once he falls, if you would be willing to take him back. You may not be in a position to do NC, but definitely do not show him any concern at all. If you are a sweet person, then the people that do this always fall on their faces. Stay strong sweetie.

 

ocrob

[brokenwings75]

Your message is so sweet, ocrob. My heart tells me that he has just made a mistake with this girlfriend and now he would rather give everything up than face the consequences. My head is telling me that he is doing everything he can to wiggle his way off the hook with both of us.

 

I am trying to not give him any attention because I think he needs space from me right now, and I definitely need space from him. But I've fallen into the calls and emails trap. I am just ready for him to go do what he needs to do and leave me alone for a while. I don't know what to do with all my free time lately, but I have been enjoying it this week. It was rough the first couple of weeks, but I am starting to get used to it. I am going to try to not fall back into the trap of talking to him for a while because I think it's just complicating the issue. If he wants all this space and distance, he shouldn't be bothering me all the time.

 

You're right, Wild Child. It's all justification. He went as far as to tell me that I hate a couple of our friends and the only reason I spend any time with them these days is to get back at him. That is just ridiculous. I can't be bothered with petty, childish stuff like that. He's obsessed with where I'm going and what I'm doing and I keep telling him that he can't have his cake and eat it to. Either he cares or he doesn't. He needs to make up his mind.

 

I'm not buying into any of his "it's all your fault" lies because, while I have my faults, I have always been willing to do whatever would work best for our relationship. Obviously nobody and no relationship is perfect, but ours was pretty good and I'm not going to let his momentary lapse of judgment and revisionist history taint that.

 

I know him too well to believe him when he says he knows that he is doing the right thing and he is 100% sure about it. But I can't do anything for him at this point, so I'm just going to see what the future holds. Maybe I will be there when he falls, or maybe I will have moved on to someone who can appreciate me for the person I am.

[Dako]

Broken,

 

Thanks for keeping us updated on your progress. I really am impressed by your intelligence and strength.

 

It helps me to see how someone else can effectively deal with a crisis, and reminds me that there are magnificent women out there in the world.

That's important to me.

 

Thanks for being there.

[brokenwings75]

Thank you all for being there! It helps so much to have people who understand.

 

I just got our cell phone bill today and it is insane. It certainly doesn't support the husband's story. The phone calls with the gf don't start until the day he was coming back from his trip. He was on the phone with her the entire way home. You would think there would be lots of secret phone calls before that, but there just aren't. And since then, he is on the phone with her just about every minute of every single day. That just confirms my belief that he's not making this decision on his own. I knew when I talked to him that some of the things he was saying to me don't even sound like him.

 

I wish I didn't look at things like that because it doesn't do any good. But in a twisted way, it kind of helps me deal. It helps me in those weak moments to not buy into the "I've never been happy with you" thing. It is clearly about neither me nor the gf - it's about him. I know that in my head, but sometimes it is difficult for my heart to remember.

 

The saddest part is that he didn't even tell me the truth about how he was going to get there the next time he visited her. He lied and said that he was flying, but the phone records show that he drove. He thinks I've become an idiot all of a sudden, which I take a devilish pleasure in because it's just not true. I know he was dreading me seeing this phone bill, but I'm not even going to mention it to him. As far as he's concerned, I couldn't care less about him and his stupid gf.

 

We had a disagreement the other day because we are splitting all of our bills, each paying half, and I refuse to write any checks to him personally. He doesn't understand why I just don't trust him. He was freaking out about it. He is getting more and more paranoid. I feel really sad for him.

[WildChild]

Wow! How can he actually question your trust in him? The only thing that I can think of is that he is not used to you not trusting him and seeing this different side of you? By what you've described as his normalcy, he sounds like he has flipped his rocker. I still think he is going through something and probably boils down to his recent bd. It's hard to say about the phone bills and the time the calls started. But I would stick with your guns about writing the personal checks no matter how much he pleads, rants or raves. The only way I would do it is if the check was written to a specific place and in a specific amount i.e. utilities etc....

 

How is it coming with your attorney? Has he found one himself yet?

[brokenwings75]

He told me that he spoke to an attorney, but I don't believe him. He only told me after I told him about mine. He said that they told him that he didn't have to do anything right now, but I would think that if he had seen an attorney, he would have suggested a separation agreement in writing. I don't know, but I don't believe him. He is lying about everything right now.

 

My attorney is great. He told me that I don't have to sell my house for at least a year and that husband has to still pay half of everything, just like always. He said that I don't really need to do anything until the husband gets a lawyer and gets something in writing. Or unless I change my mind and get something in writing first.

 

I think you're right, Wild Child. He's not used to seeing me this way and I know it freaks him out. It scares him that I refuse to just do whatever he wants because I've pretty much always let him take the lead in that. I've always just gone along with whatever he wanted because I felt like what made him happy made me happy. But he knows that I will stick to my guns when I think it's necessary, so he shouldn't be surprised. I think his bd has left him in his own little world where he just doesn't get it if things don't go his way.

 

Husband was pretty angry that I have an attorney of my own. He asked for his name so he could use the same one, but I told him that I thought that was a conflict of interest and wouldn't give him the name. I'm not going to let him or anyone force me into doing anything I don't want to do.

[brokenwings75]

Okay, so how do I cope with jealousy? That is what I think I'm having the toughest time with right now. I have never been a jealous person, but this is just eating away at me. No matter how much I try to be a better person, I find that I keep dwelling on the situation. That this woman has stolen my life and my husband. That he's out having a fun old time with another woman while I'm trying everything I can to keep from being a complete train wreck. He's already asked his family to meet her and her parents and that is just driving me insane. All of the little things are tearing me up and no matter how reasonable and calm I am about everything else, this part is just hurting more than it seems I can bear. So how do I deal with that?

[Dako]

That's only normal to feel jealous in your situation.

A tough question: Do you feel like he'll come back after his fling?

 

I hope this has a happy ending, but you should be ready for anything.

[brokenwings75]

I do feel like he'll come back when he realizes that he's not going to just be a different person all of a sudden. I have started realizing that the main reason he is doing this is because he can't face what he has done, so he has decided to buckle down and commit himself to this new life, no matter the cost. But I don't think it's a decision that will last with him. I know him better than that.

 

I'm facing this right now with the belief that he's never coming back and I need to move on. My head is ready for that, but it will be a while before my heart is. I don't know if I would even be able to take him back if he did change his mind. I don't know that my heart could deal with that either.

 

I find myself becoming infuriated when he is neglecting things we need to deal with because he is occupying himself with her. And even more so when I find that people seem to be accepting his story unquestioningly and I don't seem to be getting any support for what he has done to me. A lot of people are in denial about the situation - nobody will admit that he is cheating, even though he has said so himself - but nobody wants to talk about it with me. I get so frustrated because I am trying to just keep pushing forward and then something like this sets me back ten steps.

[WildChild]

Who primarily is denying he is having an affair and not talking to you about it

[brokenwings75]

Our friends and his family. I still see his family on a fairly regular basis for various reasons. His parents know that he has a gf but are in denial that it is cheating. They "just want him to be happy." I'm not very close to my own family, but I made every effort to be a real part of his family over the past 10 years and I'm closer to them than I've ever been to anyone. I know that he's their son and they need to support him, but I don't understand why that means that they can't support me, too. If I was the one who'd done this to him, they'd never speak to me again. They don't understand that I've not only lost my husband, I've lost my entire family.

[WildChild]

The only thing I can think of is he must have elaborated quite the story to them to gain their support and sympothy. As for your friends, how is it that they support him considering they are both your friends. Didn't they see what a good marriage you had?

[brokenwings75]

I think everyone is just confused and in shock. And I heard from my sister-in-law that he gave a pretty good sob story about how miserable he was. I don't think any of our friends understand what happened, but it seems that they've all sided with him. I don't see any of them anymore because they all still see him and I don't think they want to face what's going on. Everyone knows we had a good marriage, but I've heard that he's asked people not to talk to me. I guess he doesn't want people to know what's really going on.

 

Oh well, I have just been having a rough couple of days. I found out that he took some time off from work to stay with the gf for a couple of extra days and that is bothering me. Especially since we still haven't resolved the bill thing and some of them are due in a few days.

 

I feel like things would be easier if he would just go ahead and move with her. I think part of me thinks that because I know that he won't be happy there for too long and then he'll start to feel as awful as I do. A very selfish part of me wants this to hurt him as much as it's hurting me. I can rise above that when I'm dealing with him, but it's my own indulgence when I'm alone with myself.

[Dako]

Brokenwing,

 

Badmouthing the ex for sympathy is lame, since it's likely nobody forced him to marry you. It was his choice as a big boy. He's trying to change history to suit the moment.

 

When my wife left me, it seemed like people were taking sides, but were actually just withdrawing from the whole mess since they didn't know what to say. With time, they came out of the woodwork and were very understanding.

 

I hope the same happens for you.

[brokenwings75]

Thanks, Dako. I do think that it will eventually happen, but you know how it is. The good old roller coaster.

 

I think the few people that have actually talked to me and realize that I'm not badmouthing him or trying to get them involved in the situation have actually changed their opinions about the entire situation. They see the difference between the way I'm treating the situation (he's confused and he needs to do whatever he thinks he needs to do right now) and the way he's treating it (she's the bad guy, it's all her fault, she doesn't want me to be happy), and I think they can see the bigger picture. It's just hard with the people you've invested so much time and effort in and it seems like they're not there when it matters most. Everybody wants to be involved in the wedding but nobody wants to be involved in the divorce.

 

I know people will come around. Alone is just a cold place to be right now.

[WildChild]

As hard as it is going to be, it is still his family. By the sounds of it they must have a pretty good picture of him in their mind already to try to justify his actions as not cheating. I know you feel you don't have anyone right now, but it is time you do. You need to go out and do something to meet people, even a divorce support group. Yes you have this site, but you need begin interacting with people.

[brokenwings75]

I know. I've been spending as much time as possible with my friends, so that has been helping. It's easier to deal with when they're around. There are a lot of things that I want to start working on, so I just need to get myself together and start doing.

[WildChild]

I think you put a lot of pressure on yourself to maintain a nonchalant attitude or outlook on this situation broken. It is ok to break down, it is ok for anger and jealousy. Like I said before as long as you do nothing to harm yourself or others. These are all normal emotions and you will have a roller coaster of them. One second you'll be ok and the next you're not. Don't try to be superwoman. Try to heal yourself literally one minute at a time by maintaining your friendships and counseling, doing the things that you like to do and realize that you are human

[Dako]

Everybody wants to be involved in the wedding but nobody wants to be involved in the divorce.

 

Girl, you got that right!

 

You know, I was looking for a sincere card to send my ex and found nothing remotely similar to a "Sorry about your Divorce" card.

 

Since I'm all of a sudden empathetic to divorced folks, I can pontificate about how society treats divorced people. Like I know anything.

[brokenwings75]

Thanks, Wild Child - I'm working on that. I keep telling myself that this is all normal and I just have to get through it. I'm the kind of person who's always looking for the most rational and realistic way to deal with things, so I let myself get frustrated when I get too emotional. I still have to learn that part about dealing with emotions!

 

Dako - maybe I should make up t-shirts with that slogan on them. Ha ha!