CrushedNShocked

I just could not take the wishy washy crap anymore. I had to confront it. I felt like I needed to be patient and give him some time, but I just did not trust him and he was not doing anything to earn trust. In the end, he is a liar and a user. Part of me felt bad for the girl, he'd said so many mean things about her - and there he was, using her for comfort. We've been apart since the week before November 1st, but I was working in Colorado since April, so while we had contact and I visited once in a while... we were not living together. He was totally DONE until around November 23rd where he wanted to talk. I was done, but when he called, I caved. Ah well, I was just sick and tired of crying or moping, you know? There comes a point where it gets old. I don't do misery well, never have. Of course, I'll always admit when I need help, hence seeking counseling and reaching out to old friends. It will almost be a week since I confronted him at her house and I've had a nice week. I don't miss him, the only thing that sneaks up on me once in a while and stings is how this all ended. He could of been a better 'man'... but I guess that's an oxymoron at this point. Good luck in your journey, mike_chppr.

When this first started to happen, I sought the help of a therapist to help me deal with the situation. She recommended the book Divorce Remedy. I was mostly talking about the people on the forums who are so dedicated to saving their marriage... even if the other half has already moved in with their lover. When he started to change his mind, I recommended he seek therapy and he refused. He doesn't think he needs it. After the scene on Sunday... when I drove to her house... I've felt alot of closure... I feel like I have accepted the situation. I've had a good week... and I'm just waiting for the mac truck to smash me down... it is almost like I don't feel I've suffered enough? Granted, I was reading link removed and an article states there comes a point where you're just sick of crying and dwelling. A friend of mine commented on how I have not fallen apart and she would of stayed in bed for a month... in some ways, I feel very guilty for not falling apart... I thought he was my soulmate... I was just scared to sink and drown...

Wow, everything you guys have said is pretty much how I feel. A huge part of me wanted to fight for the marriage... I think it's the "better or for worse" in our vows. But how can you fight for someone who just isn't there anymore? In some ways, I feel a tad weak. I read some of the threads on divorcebusting and these people go through so much to save their marriages... I wonder, is my attitude of 'accept it and move on'... part of the reason the divorce rate is so high? Then I ask myself, just how much of my life can I lose devoting myself this cause... Well, what's even more annoying... everyone suspected this was going on except me. Everyone! Sadly, now that I think back... the signs were all there. I guess the pieces are all coming together... I've never been one to dilude myself, so I blame it on the fact that I can be TOO trusting. I allowed their friendship... I trusted them both. Live and learn... Thanks everyone...

Thank you. I appreciate your replies. For the first two weeks, I kept wondering what I had done wrong as a wife... And then when I found out about her, how terrible was I, that he had to run to someone else? I really thought he felt remorse after we spoke... I really thought he saw that what he had done was wrong and terrible... I was willing to give it a shot... we all make mistakes... but this... The lack of decency in which this was ended... I deserved alot better as a wife and friend...

Well, it's over. My husband and I have been married since June 2001, we dated since November of 1999. We had a good connection. The last couple of years, I've been sort of down, so I guess I was a burden, but I was still a supportive and good wife. I supported him while he was in school and you know, I figured this year, he could do the same for me. In April, I went to Colorado for work. It was a good opportunity and they offered a nice bonus, we figured this would put is in a good financial spot. I came home once a month and we usually fought when I did, it was just weird, I felt like a stranger in my house, so that was hard... but the communication was kept active and we were chugging right along. Three weeks before I come home he starts to act odd, he tells me he never wants to fall out of love with me and we have to work on things - I agree with his assessment. Well, I come home in October 15 and he says he just doesn't love me anymore, he doesn't want to be married. He claims he's been miserable for two years. I cry, plead, beg for a week - all the wrong things So I see a therapist and she introduces me to Divoce Busting. I try it, but I am freaking dying, so I leave on November 1st... he gets angry and says he is moving on with his life and moves out. I don't have a job, so that upsets me but I am in Mexico on a "heal myself vacation". I come back on November 22nd... I get my dogs from his MOm's house... he calls me the next day and leaves a message, he says he keeps thinking of all the good things and he misses me... I ignore it. He leaves another message, he says he misses me and I ignore that too. I send him an email this Monday, just basic stuff, where is this and what is that and he sends me one back that contains: As much as you think, this isn’t about me wanting to party and live some bachelor life b/c I’m not doing any of that. I’m going to work, going to jujitsu, and going home. I’m as miserable about all of this as you are. My apt feels so empty and yuck. I hate it. I wish you would understand that this isn’t easy on me either. I never EVER wanted to or thought I would hurt you like this. So I respond with: I heard the messages, I wasn't sure how to respond. I thought going away and seeing beautiful things would help and I'd come back with a more positive attitude, but in truth, I still feel hollow. I miss my best friend very much. I think about when we were carefree and new. It was really nice. There was no stress about the future, just two people hanging out and enjoying each others company. I really wish my bad memory would kick in, because it's the small moments that pop into my head that really make it hard. He calls me right away after I reply and says he has doubts about what he's done and he wishes we could be carefree and new again. He wishes he would of never moved out. We talk for two hours... the next day he asks me to dinner, I say I've already had dinner... on Wednesday, he calls and says he wants to work things out, we should have lunch and talk about how to repair our marriage and I am like, that is kind of deep for lunch... so we talk and talk and it turns out that while I was gone, he has been seeing someone else. While I was in COlorado, he got very close to my 'best friend'. I assume this has been going on for a while, considering his rush to leave. He claims he is using her as a crutch and he can't even see himself with her, he can only think of me when they are together. He agrees to cut it off with her so we can work on our relationship. Fine. We meet that night just to talk and he cries and says he hates himself, he can't do it and he is sorry he called. He said the six months was a test and he failed. He is an adulterer. He doesn't deserve me and he can't do this. I'm like, what the heck? So on Thursday, he claims he can't forgive himself and he can't let me forgive him either, I would lose my self respect. I thought of that too... but I was willing to try and see if I could forgive. So I get angry and say screw this, let's file... he asks if that is what I want, I am like... it is easiest, he says but I want you and I want our marriage to work, I love you. We leave it at that. On Friday, I ask if he'd like to have lunch, he says yes... but no... because seeing me right now is hard because he is so guilty. I tell him, he has to communicate with me more, because if his infidelity, I'd like to know what he is up to... but on Friday evening, no call, no hello. So I get worked up and I tell him on Saturday we should file, screw this. He doesn't seem to be willing to fight for the marriage. He says yes, I really want to, I want you back, but I don't deserve you.. plus I LEFT for a reason, what if that never changes. I am guessing the 'other woman' is a birdy in his ear at this point. He was pretty eager to work on it in the beginning of the week. Anyway, I send an email Saturday and explain that I was hot headed and just confused, on an emotional roller coaster and I want to try and get past this and see if we can be OK. No response, no call. Tonight, he hops on the internet... but he does NOT have internet access. I'm like, ok, this is BS, I need closure and I need to see for myself. I drive by her house and his car is there. Man, I am worked up! So I knock and he is like, what are you doing? We are OVER. I was like, what is wrong with you, you called ME. You said you were using her . He is like, we are over, I left for a reason. Of course, me being psycho stalker woman is not a great help, but I just felt like 'fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.... Anyway, he acts like I am a liar when I say you wanted to work on us. He claims he just did not want to hurt my feelings? I was like, what? I did not initiate contact, you did. He said but I told you about her to come clean, I was like, no you did not, I had to ask twice - you said you were hoping I would never find out. Then he says, see, this is what I mean about you, you don't let anything go. In the end, I just walked out. It was annoying me... the amount of backtracking he was doing because she was there. He emails me this tonight: Sorry things ended this way. It's not the way I wanted things to go down but I guess in the end, I needed you to be pissed off at me to make it easier on me. Selfish of me, yes. And he says he will let me know when we have to meet at a notary public for the divorce papers. I don't respond, I am done with the communication thing. I don't understand why he called to begin with. I feel like she has been a big influence in his decsions... I dunno, maybe this is the man I married... a weak and spineless kinda guy. So, while I feel like I lost a bit of self respect tonight, I'm glad in a way... I was very ambivalent about not being patient... but I guess I know now... I just don't see why he had to call and give me hope and then basically turn around and lie. I feel like, he was just toying with me for his own satisfaction. It's a long post, sorry... I'm just devistated... his ex-fiancee did this exact same thing to him and he ... knows how it feels... My guess is this started when I was in Colorado...