What can I bring to the table that is extraordinary?

[DazzlingEyes]

Last night my boyfriend and I was talking about living together and marriage. He said he is not an easy person to live with and certain things would bother him. I had asked him to give me an example. He said something like if my 6yr old daughter had a tantrum and I wasnt able to control her. That would really bother him. He is not implicating that she would have a tantrum, but he was just using that as an example.

 

He had asked me what could I bring to the table that would be extraordinary. He said that if he was to take me and my daughter into his home, that would be serious. So he is saying that for him to do that I would have to bring something to the table that is extraordinary. If he was going to marry me it would be the same thing. He was serious when he proposed that question.

 

I know its not something material, such as money because I know he would have no problem in taking care of me and my daughter. He is definitely the provider type, such as paying all the bills without looking at me to help.

 

So he has me wondering what could I bring to the table that is extraordinary. I proposing this question on here to get feedback, especially I would like to hear from a man's point of view.

[WildChild]

OK, I don't want this to sound harsh against your boyfriend but YOU (and your daughter) should be extraordinary enough for him. You shouldn't have to try to find something that is good enough to have you two move in with him let alone marry him. He should look at you and think: she gives me what I need to feel fulfilled in life...she fills my void.

 

His comment about your daughter whether implying it or not speaks a million words in itself. What happens if your daughter does throw a tantrum and can't be calmed down right away? What then? Did you ask him to elaborate on what he would do or how he would react? She is 6 years old. Children of that age don't act perfect all of the time and yes, it does get frustrating when they misbehave and won't listen. But he knew that when he met you that you had a child. If a child who doesn't listen 'right now!' bothers him, then he shouldn't date someone with children.

 

If you want to live with him, that in itself will be an adjustment for her no matter how well they get along. It is going to be an adjustment for all of you....he is correct, moving in together is a serious thing. But you and your daughter are a package deal. You and your daughter should be "enough to bring to the table".

[shes2smart]

Wow. Way for him to put you in a position where you basically have to beg your way in. Not good. It would've been more straightforward for him to say he didn't want you and your daughter moving in with him instead of presenting it as "what's in it for me if I let you."

 

It's ok for him to not want to get married or not want live with someone, but he should have enough backbone to take responsibility for those preferences. Instead it sounds like he's turned it into your responsibility to convince him.

 

WildChild hit the nail on the head with this and your daughter are a package deal. You and your daughter should be "enough to bring to the table".

[RayKay]

So he has me wondering what could I bring to the table that is extraordinary. I proposing this question on here to get feedback, especially I would like to hear from a man's point of view.

 

You know, really don't you think that YOU should be extraordinary enough for him? That he should look at you and say "wow, I really want this woman in my life! I am so happy her and her daughter are going to be part of my family and my future!".

 

He may be being practical - and taking on someone else's children can be very difficult - but he certainly does not seem to me to be someone you should think if living with and marrying, if that his view of you, and your daughter, are of a burden and a frustration, rather then of wholehearted acceptance and excitement. He sounds TOTALLY unprepared for having a child in his life, and as a mother this is something you need to seriously think about. What child will "instantly" behave all the time? Just like adults, children have bad days and bad moods, sure you can be a responsible, great parent, but it takes time to calm a child whom is throwing a tantrum!

 

My guess is that he really does not want to take this step, so is asking you to "prove it" to him, knowing that really nothing will "prove it". Sorry, but if he does not believe you are extraordinary for whom you are already, you can't bring anything else "extra" to the table. This is a relationship, not a UN meeting.

 

So, I say you ask yourself...what is so EXTRAORDINARY about him that he deserves to live with YOU and YOUR CHILD, and to have that sort of attitude.

[BillyJean714]

Nicely stated WildChild. I couldn't have said it any better. I completely agree!

 

I don't know but, the feeling that I'm getting, based on what you said and what my intuition says, sounds like your boyfriend has the mentality of "What's in it for me?". Whenever a person thinks like that, I don't see that they're loving the other person unconditionally.

 

Unconditional means unconditional- daughter or not. Sounds like an excuse to me. I honestly think that if he TRULY loved you, he would ACCEPT you for all that you are, everything about you- including your daughter. That's what a person does when they're head over heals about another person. They don't give them excuses, whatsoever.

 

What if the reverse happened in this situation? How would you react to him? If he had a 6 year old child, would you be able to accept that? I think that if you truly love him, you would, correct? I know. It's all personal preference, but I am one to believe that if a person loves you THAT MUCH, there wouldn't be any excuses. My mother is an example of this. My stepdad took my mom and I in. When he married her, he didn't say, "Well. I know your daughter's a troubled teenager. What are you going to bring to the table, since I'm going to have to put up with her?"

 

Realize that if this person's giving you excuses, and setting limits on you like that (especially since the issue pertains to your daughter), they're NOT worth it. You are worth all of the love/respect in this world- especially to the person who claims to love you. You DON'T need to depend on him. If anything, I know it's tough, but if I were you, I'd place my daughter above of him- since she's blood and he's not. She'll always be there for you- she's family. What she needs is more important than catering someone who's going to put limits on you.

 

One thing that you must realize about love- when someone loves, they give without expecting to receive in return. When someone engages in a kind act of giving, they don't say, "What are you going to do for ME?!?"

[DazzlingEyes]

Thanks for your responses. By the way, he has 3 children himself. He also has a 6yr old daughter that is currently living with him. He said that is only temporary, she will be living with her mom.

 

I agree with the response that my daughter and I should be extraordinary enough. I didn't take that his focus was just on her. I feel that he is being practical. He had mentioned last night that other people's children are only cute for 10 mins. a day. I understand what he means because it is tough dealing with your own children, imagine someone else's kids. I don't feel he wouldn't be loving to my daughter. I feel that he is wonderful dad, and he would be wonderful in my daughter's life also. He would treat her like his own child. He still has a relationship with his ex-girlfriends kids, so I know he would be a great stepfather.

 

But I dont think the focus of his conversation was just on my daughter. Practically men look at women different than we look at them. When women date, we know almost automatically if we would settle down or , marry that man. We know right away. Men are much different. When they choose a woman for their life, they might not tell you, but they are looking at things in that woman that "stand out" to them. It could be something very very simple that we may never detect what it is.

 

For example, my boyfriend loves this certain kind of juice. This juice is very expensive. You can get it in your local supermarket. But anyway, when he comes over I make sure I have this juice in my frig. just for him. I don't drink it anyway. He appreciates it so much that he tells me everytime he comes over. He said its the simple things like that, that give him pleasure. Guys look at those sorts of things when choosing a woman for their life. They usually don't care how much money we make, or things of that nature. They look for things that show them how we care about them. Like the example about my juice.

 

Unconditional love is important in a relationship, and there should be no excuses. But there is also Life. Love does not pay the bills. Love is just a four-letter word. Not to down play love, but everyone is a package deal. And the question is what is in your package? I think that's a honest question. And maybe my thinking is off, but I dont think the answer is, well you should already know.

 

Also just a little background, my boyfriend and I only have been together for 4 months.

 

Does anyone have any more feedback? I really would like to hear a man's point of view also.

[Bethany]

He KNEW you and your daughter came as a package so if he is having doubts about either of you I would want answers to alot of questions before I even considered letting him get his feet under the 'table' for sure. Last thing you and your daughter need heartbreak and to be messed about.YOUR Kids come first, men come second. EVERYTIME.

[DazzlingEyes]

Bethany he doesn't have doubts about me or my daughter. He loves me just as much as I love him.

[WildChild]

Well, I can't say reading your second thread gave me any more insight into this. I currently am dating a man, living with him and have my 2 boys who live with us 5 of the 7 days. Everyone is different, but he never has in anyway, shape or form implicated, suggested or hinted to me of 'what I have to bring to the table' even in the very, very beginning.

 

Yes, men are different in how they perceive a relationship. You mention that you have 'only been together for 4 months' and no, not everyone knows at 4 months if it is going to be a lasting relationship. However, at 4 months I would hope that the positive qualities in someone would have been apparent (whatever it is that someone looks for in their mate). What more does he want to know then for 'the table'. He knows you have a child, if you have a job or not, if you have your own home or not, if you have a car or not etc.... If you don't think he means that in a money or financial sense because he is a provider, then what else is there than who you are as a woman?

 

You used the example as you keeping juice in your fridge for what you do for him....he gave you his example, if your daughter has a tantrum.

 

Every person reacts differently to other people's children and yes, it can be difficult when they are not theirs. But being in a relationship, if the man I dated couldn't tolerate that kids don't listen 'right now!' I wouldn't be dating him and he knows that. They are not his boys, and he loves them as though they are...through the good and the bad. We have only been exclusively dating for 10 months.

 

So man's perspective or not, he is telling you that he cannot handle it if your daughter does not listen. He is telling you that he is not easy to live with. He is telling you that his daughter living with him is 'only temporary'.

 

If he needs something more at the table then what you have shown him now and you have to try to figure out what it is to convince him, maybe give it more time before you move in with him.

[BellaDonna]

OK, I don't want this to sound harsh against your boyfriend but YOU (and your daughter) should be extraordinary enough for him. You shouldn't have to try to find something that is good enough to have you two move in with him let alone marry him. He should look at you and think: she gives me what I need to feel fulfilled in life...she fills my void.

 

This is EXACTLY what I was thinking when I read the post.

 

To be honest, I don't like his attitude. I know you care for him but he needs to snap out of it. Does he think he's GOD? You do not owe him anything.... To me he sounds like a Type A personality mixed in with a Narcissist.

 

Don't let him make you think he's doing you a favor by being with you. In turn you should ask him if HE DESERVES TO BE IN YOUR AND YOUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE. You are both worthy people and can afford to be picky too.

 

I don't mean to pick him to shreds but that attitude is just totally unacceptable to me. I know this does sound harsh but if I were in your shoes I would knock him off his high horse and tell him to come join the rest of us on Earth. I think it's needed.

 

I'd definitely give this more time. 4 months is early- but if it is ever going to work out- his perception about you, and especially your daughter needs to change.

 

He had mentioned last night that other people's children are only cute for 10 mins. a day.

 

This really concerns me. If he is to make a commitment to you then your daugther wouldn't just be "somebody else's kid", she'd be his step daughter and she is also half of you.

 

I do think it's perfectly ok for a person (male or female) to know they are not patient with children or do not want to take on a family- but if that's the way he feels then he should just be honest instead of holding out a carrot and trying to make you do "extraodinary" things for it. From his comments it sounds like he is having some doubts.

 

Any issue can be worked on though. Keep the communication open. I hope everything works out for you,

 

BellaDonna

 

P.S. Also ask yourself- if you or your daughter needed a special kind of juice (as you gave in your example about him) would he be sure to have it there for your comfort too? Because he should be caring for the both of you- just as you are caring for him. In my opinion, gender has nothing to do with the caring part. Caring acts come from love and respect for another person (whether you're male or female).

[LostInMyThoughts]

The idea "Whats in it for me?" is something I think we all ask ourselves in our relationship. Some of us might take the answer to the question more seriously.

 

Relationships need a sense of balance. Attractiveness, financial security, intellect, goals and beliefs all need to be in balance, otherwise the relationship will become one of superiority and inferiority. Soon the partner bringing more in one aspect might feel like thats all they need to do since they are contributing the most, while the other partner might resent their superiority.

 

I'm not saying that I think we should be in a relationship with someone identical, but I'm saying that in the end, a relationship should be balanced.

 

Given what you've said about your past, it sounds like your boyfriend is hesitant to let you move in. Have you asked him why?

 

Who's idea is it for you to move in with him? It seems like he's not ready for you to move in.

 

As to what you bring to the table thats extrodinary, thats easy. It's you. Your boyfriend probably doesn't see this because he's not ready to make this committment. It sounds like he is open to the idea, but needs convincing that its in his best interest. While I think you *could* convince him, you would be essentially dooming your relationship at that point by having him abandon his gut feelings.

 

My advice is to ask him why is he hesitant to let you move in. Don't try to convince him he's wrong. Just try and understand his point of view, and perhaps let him know that his concerns are valid and important to you, and you plan to show him that you two being together will be the best decision he'll ever make.

 

If you want to give him an answer to his extraordinary question, just tell him the truth: You are the most extraordinary thing that you bring to the table.

[WildChild]

The idea "Whats in it for me?" is something I think we all ask ourselves in our relationship. Some of us might take the answer to the question more seriously.

 

Relationships need a sense of balance. Attractiveness, financial security, intellect, goals and beliefs all need to be in balance, otherwise the relationship will become one of superiority and inferiority. Soon the partner bringing more in one aspect might feel like thats all they need to do since they are contributing the most, while the other partner might resent their superiority.

 

Normally though (at least I would hope) that is a question one asks to themselves of who they are looking for in a mate; Not telling the person you are going out with "Hey, whaddya got for me" kinda thing. I don't think that the situation here is that the boyfriend is giving everything and she isn't. I think the situation here is the boyfriend wants to know what else she is going to bring to the table cuz right now it aint enough

 

I agree with the rest of your post though

[LostInMyThoughts]

To be honest, I don't like his attitude. I know you care for him but he needs to snap out of it. Does he think he's GOD? You do not owe him anything.... To me he sounds like a Type A personality mixed in with a Narcissist.

 

Don't let him make you think he's doing you a favor by being with you. In turn you should ask him if HE DESERVES TO BE IN YOUR AND YOUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE. You are both worthy people and can afford to be picky too.

It could be that he's got an attitude problem, but just based on the facts it could be that he's cautious because of past failed relationships.

 

P.S. Also ask yourself- if you or your daughter needed a special kind of juice (as you gave in your example about him) would he be sure to have it there for your comfort too? Because he should be caring for the both of you- just as you are caring for him. In my opinion, gender has nothing to do with the caring part. Caring acts come from love and respect for another person (whether you're male or female).

This isn't a fair question because we all show love and affection in different ways. I think that quid-pro-quo is never the right way to approach a relationship.

[DazzlingEyes]

I was talking about the situation with my mother. And her opinion is that everyone can feel that they are extraordinary, but the reality is that everyone is ordinary. She said a relationship can be extraordinary, but the people in the relationship are ordinary. And its okay to be ordinary. She used Bill Clinton as an example. And said she thinks he is extraordinary, but actually he has the same problems as any other person. So he is really just ordinary person like anyone else.

 

She said me bringing myself to the table and giving my all to the relationship, and my boyfriend giving his all to the relationship. And we both are there to give each other something to make our life better makes for an extraordinary relationship.

 

She said that if my boyfriend thinks that he is "God's gift" and he is sitting back to see what I can give, that is not an extraordinary relationship. He actually has a low self-esteem. If he thinks that. I am not sure if that's what he thinks though. But I will soon find out.

 

About the moving in part. We weren't seriously talking about me living with him anytime soon. It was just as talking about the "what if" of us living together or getting married. We talk about that time to time. I think he did have failed relationships. He always talking about how he has always had disappointments and frustrations. And another thing that stands out alot in his conversation is that he was always the one giving, hardly ever the one receiving. And not just in relationships with women, but with friends and family. He grew up very poor most of his life, but now he is very successful. He owns a house worth more than half a million, and drives a Cadillac and a convertible Mercerdez. He did it on his own without anyone's help.

 

So maybe he feels that his accomplishments makes him extraordinary, but if he isn't gifting them to me or our relationship, then it doesnt mean anything.

 

Does that make any sense?

[RayKay]

I think your mom rocks, and she is definitely on the right path with that thinking. Everyone is in fact ordinary, but I think that someone should view you as something pretty amazing, along with what you have as a couple.

 

Anyway, I also agree that if he really thinks that way, there is something amiss there. Be careful of people whom claim they were ALWAYS giving, and seem to believe it is negative, and so now they are owed, or just seems to have a negative view on life and experiences.....often that means you are the one that ends up doing all the giving, and the negativity affects your relationship together. This may not be the case, but just take note of his behaviour and actions.

 

Well, since you are not planning on moving in anytime soon, I guess just take it day by day for now and see how things go since you seem to want to stay with him. Just be cautious. Personally, I would be walking out the door, to show him how extraordinary I look from behind

[melrich]

He had asked me what could I bring to the table that would be extraordinary.

 

I wouldn't pursue a relationship with this guy if I was you. This comment, the comment about tantrums, the comment about other people's kids, and the pleasure he gets from his juice being at your place scream "control freak" to me.

 

Further (and I'll admit I might be getting too literal here) I get the sense that this is like a business trnsaction to him. He's already hinting at what he wants written into the deal and is fishing for what he's going to get out of it.

 

He may well love you in his own way but I do not think it is the sort of love you are going to enjoy.

 

To be honest, I find the line I quoted from your post to be quite creepy. It may even hint at narcissism...and you don't want to get involved if that is the case.

[melrich]

Be careful of people whom claim they were ALWAYS giving, and seem to believe it is negative, and so now they are owed

 

I didn't read this part. Well now that is definitely straying into narcisstic territory. That is classic behaviour.

[RayKay]

 

He may well love you in his own way but I do not think it is the sort of love you are going to enjoy.

 

To be honest, I find the line I quoted from your post to be quite creepy. It may even hint at narcissism...and you don't want to get involved if that is the case.

 

I agree - it does not seem like that "complete acceptance and love for whom you are" sort of thing at all...more like a tab of what you can do compared to what he can do.... Not the sort of relationship I personally enjoy.

 

And definitely, quite an odd, and narcissistic, comment on his part.

[RayKay]

I didn't read this part. Well now that is definitely straying into narcisstic territory. That is classic behaviour.

 

It was in one of her posts further down, and it really jumped out at me because it just gives me a bad vibe...I have heard similar from people before who then turned out not to be givers at all!

 

I think he did have failed relationships. He always talking about how he has always had disappointments and frustrations. And another thing that stands out alot in his conversation is that he was always the one giving, hardly ever the one receiving. And not just in relationships with women, but with friends and family. He grew up very poor most of his life, but now he is very successful. He owns a house worth more than half a million, and drives a Cadillac and a convertible Mercerdez. He did it on his own without anyone's help.

[DazzlingEyes]

I had spoken with my boyfriend again last night. He said maybe he used the wrong word "extraordinary". He said okay I will used the word "special". What is something that I can bring to our relationship that is special. He said when you make the decision to marry someone, wouldn't that person be someone who is special in your life. Now that I am typing this post, the thing that comes to my mind is that shouldn't he be the one to point out what he sees special in me???

 

I did answer his question. I told him that I would maintain my independence, and a balanced life, and give him the space to achieve his goals. Also I would bring my soul, my mind, my spirit without reservations and hope that its enough for him.

 

I asked him the same question and he poetically elaborated what he would bring to the table. He said his word would be his word. If the heat will be on he will make sure its hot, if we are going on a vacation, he would make sure we are there, etc. He said a lot of poetic lines, but I cant remember it all, but most of it was about his integrity. Which is the one thing I hoped for in relationship, a man with integrity.

 

I think he is looking for a wife, even though he doesn't come out and say it. But I feel like he is testing me. Maybe not testing me, but really looking at what I do, how I handle situations, and he listens to what I say.

 

There are some other issues at hand, and I have a suspicion about what it could be. And if I am right, I can see why he is looking for a wife. That's why it sounds like a business transaction with him. Because I think he is trying to solve a situation in his life emotionally, and maybe financially. And having a wife will help him solve the situation to a great degree. But he isn't stupid. And he knows you cant just go and pick a wife. Thats why I feel that some of you hit on the nose that he is a control freak, narcissistic, and dealing with love like a business transaction.

 

But time will tell. And I think the time will be coming soon. Once he reveals what is going on, I will definitely have the answers I need. I know this may sound strange or weird, but him not telling me what's going on is because it deals with a young child that he is trying to protect from getting hurt.

[WildChild]

You have come far since you orginally posted DazzlingEyes and I as well as many others I'm sure are going "Whew! She can see where we're coming from!" I hope that all works out for you and that you maintain your realizations and revelations since you orginally posted. You are now allowing yourself to be objective for yourself which will keep your eyes more wide open to this situation. Good for you!

[BellaDonna]

You have come far since you orginally posted DazzlingEyes and I as well as many others I'm sure are going "Whew! She can see where we're coming from!" I hope that all works out for you and that you maintain your realizations and revelations since you orginally posted. You are now allowing yourself to be objective for yourself which will keep your eyes more wide open to this situation. Good for you!

 

I agree. I'm glad you can see that you should take it slow. Perhaps what concerns me most about his business transaction approach is that in real life - things don't always work out "as planned". Especially in a marriage, you both have to be prepared to face the world together. The key will be - how does this man handle pressure and the realities of every day life as your husband and as a step-father. Because when it comes down to it there WILL be days when he can't have his juice, where your daughter does take a tantrum, when things might be tough. Can he handle it? If he's a control freak and has rigid expectations and can't adapt to change or pressure, it might not be a good relationship for you to be in. I guess what I want to warn you against the most is don't let him create a doll-house-type scenerio for you to live in- where you are "wife" and have to do everything perfect and according to business-like rules.

 

I guess time will tell if it will work- but I suggest you test him in subtle ways, just as he is testing you- to see if he can handle the true deviations that will umtimately and inevitably occur in everyday life and in relationships. If he is indeed a true narcissist, it might not even be worth your time. But only you can be the judge.

 

Good luck to you and keep us posted

 

 

BellaDonna

[JAG]

After reading the original post I am not surpsrised to read the phrase "What are you bringing to the table?" (left out the extraordinary and special stuff).

 

Personally I think it a wise question that potential mates should ask one another and themselves. It's not unreasonable to have expectations and to understand that expectations are levied on you. If there is any one time in life when you have a valid claim to "selfishness", it is most certainly that time when you find and choose a potential mate! Afterall, this is a person with whom you plan to continue your life and build a future.

 

So what is that you bring to the table (extraordinary and special or not?)?

 

My ability, stemmed from my deep rooted love and passion for you, to cause you to feel wonderful about yourself; to remind you what an inspiration you are to me and others and how special of a person you are, and how empty I would feel without you. I bring to the table my undying devotion, words of encouragement and love, and a willingness to demonstrate this daily through my actions and behavior.

 

So I guess I would have to ask you....

"Does this man make you feel extraordinary about yourself?"

 

Each of us has a different set of needs and abilities to meet another's needs. This is a time when your needs are top priority and you deserve to be selfish about having them met. So you take stock and see what really are your needs and compare them to see if they will be met and he does the same.

 

It's a time when you are doing the same. Are you not indirectly asking the same question of him? What is it that you bring to the table?

 

It is clear that you too have expectations of what he will bring to the table.

 

For a man it may be difficult to express a weakness or lack of experience with a particular skill set, such as family interactions and child rearing. It may be even harder to confim that by asking, if you will help me to do these things?

 

And, if you are so inclined and choose this path, then would you not say "Yes. And if she throws a tantrum, we will work through this together. I assure you that you will learn. And, that you will experience great rewards and satisfaction. You need only trust me as I trust you."

 

If Love is in your heart, then you are never without Love.

[Batya33]

I hope you realize that you need to make sure your daughter has minimal interaction with him going forward. Kids don't "get" dating - they "get" attached and this man does not from his behavior sound like a keeper so why have your daughter experience the pain of attachment and abandonment?

 

Tell him that you believe you are sufficiently extraordinary. period.