please help..i feel like i'm dying..

[lulu04]

hi everyone, me again....it's been almost 3 months since my fiance of 6 yrs left me with a letter while i was at work, and i was doing quite well for awhile. but the time came this past week where i couldn't take it anymore & had to call him to insist that he finally come and get his things. (please see my earlier posts for the whole story) He has been dragging this out and not helping me at all with any of the financial stuff or helping me plan how to separate everything. i have had to be the adult about everything, even though he left me the way he did. it's been so hard.

 

a few weeks ago when i saw him last, he even seemed like he wanted to possibly try and work on things. then he dropped off the face of the earth again.

 

when I called him this past friday, he was cruel to me, yelling at me, told me he is sleeping with someone else already, told me i was annoying for bugging him about this stuff. Of course after so much of this, I started crying on the phone and he proceeded to hang up on me. I asked him if he was using coke again, and he said "i do whatever I want whenever I want, ok?"

 

I know, I know....he's clearly cruel to me. But today when I am packing all of his things, by myself, I have been hysterical and i just want to die, I can't believe he is really gone and has really turned into someone I don't know. He tells me he is "the same person" !!! but he was wonderful to me for 5 years....what did I do wrong??? I feel so bad about myself.

 

I look at all of the pictures as I am packing, and we were beautiful together. i don't understand. and i thought i was doing so much better but today i am so wrecked. I'm going to be alone forever & he is already with someone. help me please you guys. i really feel like i'm going to die it hurts so bad. i can't stop crying and i have to go to work and i have no hope for my life. i love him and all i can think of is how we once were....

 

what if this is all from drugs??? the love never changed, but he is using coke and alcohol and pot and now i feel like it's all screwed up in his mind and i just want the real person to come back to life. how do you accept losing a love this way???

[notmyself24]

Hun,

 

Please read your post again- yes, it seems he is using again , but most importantly, you are too good for him...there is not much more for me to say. I am truly sorry you are going through this.

[arwen]

but he was wonderful to me for 5 years....what did I do wrong??? I feel so bad about myself.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. If he's into drugs, the drugs are what is affecting him. They change your mind and how you react to people. I think that he reacts to you this way because you remember him of the better version of himself, which is confronting and which is not what he is anymore.

 

I saw sort of the reverse when I healed from depression. I started to remind some of my friends that were also depressed of their older, happier versions. I am sorry to say that I lost some frienships over this.

 

He seems to be totally lost. Don't let him put you down, girl. There is nothing wrong with you. Dope is what is wrong with him. Truth is, you really don't want a relationship with an instable drug-abuser. You are blaming yourself, probably because he makes you feel like you are to blame. You did everything you could to end things in a decent way. Now it's time to take care of yourself. Do you have a job or study you enjoy? Can you afford a new hobby or sport to start over and feel better about yourself? Even little things like doing a little home-makeover might help you. You need to cut the emotional ties with this guy. He pollutes your good life-vibe!

 

Take care,

 

ilse.

[Blackmsmithdave]

Oh girl im sooo sorry. This guy irregardless of what he once was i snow a piece of sh**. you deserve better!, no i corect myself there, you deserve sooo much better!

 

As to his stuff if he hasnt come to collect it then i would burn it. he upset you when you were fragile and he did it out of spite, so you get revenge, burn his things and cut him from your life forever, no more contact if you can help it at all, believe me the sever will help, and then move on with your life.

 

Like what ilse said, try to get a new hobby and do something new, a home make over sounds like a really good idea, change your life and the world you two shared and you should be able to move on easier. Remember the good times you had together and dont focus on what he has now become. I would normaly suggest that you stay friends but this time i strongly suggest that you sever all ties with him he has clearly gone to a bad place emotionaly, a place where he wants to hurt those that he once loved.

 

It will hurt for a long time but the longer you live without him in your life the easier the hurt will be to bear. until one day you will realise tat you havent thought about him and you dont care anymore.

 

One last thing its isnt your fault, your great and any guy should want you you will carry on and you will have a long happy life. You are great! trust me im a good judge of charector.

 

take care and good luck

[lulu04]

thanks, you guys. I just feel like I'm so stuck in my past "version" of him -- i just can't believe you can change who you are like this -- even if it is from drug use. I don't know....

 

I just remember how it was and it kills me....

 

I don't know how I will never have him in my life again....I guess this whole thing has been dragged out for so long, and maybe just now the reality is hitting me....the man I was with is gone. Where is he??

 

ilse, you mentioned depression. If you don't mind my asking, how did you

beat it? I ask because I have been depressed for years, and was actually starting to feel a lot less depression last month (sadness, yes, but different than the depression) but now I feel horrible again. I don't want to use antidepressants. Maybe I am depressed because I got so lost in the relationship, I lost myself trying to care for him.

 

The thing that kills me is that he doesn't seem to think this has anything to do with him....it's all about me and how I am too "emotional" and such...he also blames me for him not advancing in his career, even though I encouraged him daily to take steps.

 

I just feel lost now, empty....don't know what I will do next. Hobbies, sure, I can pick some up, hang out with friends, i go to therapy...I feel like I am doing everything I can, but this void is sickening...and also I feel so yucky because I can't believe this is the same person I have been with and that we are leaving things feeling this poorly after so long together. How do I make peace with that ending?? I have tried everything I can to reconcile, try to go to counseling together, etc etc, he doesn't want me. I just keep feeling like there must be something wrong with me -- I was too depressed, too needy, whatever.... I wish he would have talked to me instead of leaving me while I was at work.

[Da5id]

Lulu,

 

I completely relate with being in love with the "idea" of someone... or what they "used to be like" or even sometimes... what they "someday might be like."

 

But, as hard as it is, you have to try and see this person for who they are.

 

And from what you say in your post, that is a self-centered, drug induced person that is so cruel they are nearing sociopathic proportion.

 

I am very sorry you are hurting.

 

I say forget his "stuff." Don't use it as a way to stay in contact with him, and with his demeanor, I'd say chuck it in the trash and be done with it.

 

Either way, as long as you maintain NC I promise you will enter the "what the HECK was I thinking?" phase soon enough.

 

Hang in there... it'll get better, just stay where the love is and let the clock do its thing.

[Twinkle_]

My ex delayed getting some of his stuff, so I cut his clothes up.

 

You need to move on with your life sweetie and while his things are with you, you can't so that. Tell him that he had x amount of time to come get his stuff or you'll put it outside next to a sign that says "Free". To hell with him hun, he doesn't care about you, why should you waste any more of your love on him.

 

Once the problem of his things is sorted, you can start healing yourself. No contact with him at all, ignore his attempts to contact you. Spoil yourself, i have no doubt you've been neglecting yourself. x

[chaos]

I hope you meant "spoil yourself"

[Twinkle_]

Edited post now, LOL!!

[nataliejulie]

Lulu,

 

You are doing so well. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Him acting this way only makes you feel like that person you knew, that relationship you knew, was a total 6 year sham. Trust me

 

(Only I wish my ex WAS on drugs, it would be a good excuse to why he's such an awful person!!)

 

Stop contacting him. The man you will contact is no longer your fiance. You will speak to this new creature who does nothing but disrespect you.

 

Get rid of his stuff he doesn't plan on getting it. I hear eBay is good for that kind of thing

 

I'm feeling a lot better. Why? This isn't the man I want. You have to step over that hurdle and realize that. You can't do anything about it, or even change him. He has to do that on his own. I'm spending all my time now making a whole lot of cash, giving myself a make over, planning on taking up some dance classes maybe, even talking to some men (I don't want a serious thing, I just like the company) Make yourself a 250% better person than he is. It will be the biggest kick in the stomach for him and the biggest accomplishment for you.

 

Of course there's times when I remember how great we were, how good we looked, how happy we were... but that was him then and this is him now and him now is a total jerk**** and I want no parts of that.

[lulu04]

Thanks you guys. I talked to him today; he was supposed to come and get his things today, but still hasn't gotten a car lined up to do so. He says it is very painful for him to "deal" with this, to talk to me -- it's easier just to ignore it! too bad I am stuck here with all of the logistics to sort out, buddy! I don't get to ignore it! It's not as if he just has a few things here; we lived together for 5 years, so it is many many boxes full. I don't know why I can't find it in me to chuck it on the curb, I just don't have that in me!! i wish i did sometimes, but I don't know if I would feel good about that in the end.

 

Anyway, so today on the phone it was like talking to the old person I was with -- he was normal, civil, apologetic, even crying a lot. THis is why I get so confused & cling to the past --- I know he is still in there somewhere, and this whole thing seems like a waste to me. I don't even know for SURE he's doing drugs, but I assume based on the behavior patterns, also he didn't deny it when I confronted him. So maybe all of this back and forth behavior has to do with where he is at in the sober/not-sober cycle??? I don't know enough about it all. He said he regretted leaving me and didn't want to ask me to "wait" for him, but didn't want me out of his life forever!!!!!!! oh, i am so tired....

 

Another messy thing is that a girl who I thought was a lifelong friend to me and supported me through this went and hung out with him the other night & totally flipped on me -- she now says "you guys broke up, we didn't, so I'm still gonna hang out with him." I know she has every right to, we were all friends in college, but she really is MY friend (or so I thought) and it is very painful to think about all of my friends, and HIM hanging out together and I am no longer included. It just makes me uncomfortable, so I think for now I have to cut her loose.

 

Just so much loss, all the time. also my car got broken into on friday & the stereo stolen and now I'm sick, too...you just start to wonder..... what is going on here????? really, what is it???

 

Da5id-- what do you mean exactly when you say "nearing sociopathic proportion"?

 

I don't see myself as the "dating" type , i mean i have been with him since i was 19, so i've never really "Dated" so to speak, and don't even know how to do that. I feel very much alone, though, and I can't really see my future many days. I just see lots of empty days just struggling to get through.

 

thanks for letting me vent....this place always helps, doesn't it?

[notmyself24]

My best friend just brok off a 5 year relationship- we are 24 & she was also with him since 19- she even excepted an engagement neary 6 months ago- he never had a steady job, yet could afford a $10,000 engagement. He never told him how he made money. They are both Greek & he went to Atehns on "business" often for 3 months at a time (near the last year & half of their relationship). I guess that was ok, but sometimes he wouldn't even call her for a whole day & she would leave him vms - would not get back to her for hours b/c his phone was off. He supposedly really adored her (according to family & friends). I never really got to know him, but he was hurting her emotionally/mentally for quite sometme & nobody truly knew the situation then one day she brok down & confessed her unhappiness- she never believed that he cheated on her (who knows). The guy is a showoff & lazy (I mean she is working full time as a tecah & getting her masters, but he hangs out in cafes most of the day playing backgammon with old greek guys, lol).

 

I just wanted you to know that this kind of stuff happens- engaged or not- people get engaged for various reasons, unfortuneatly even if they are no longer in love, I believe that it is security reasons. She accepted the engagement even though she was having major doubts.

Ironically, the marriage proposal made her realize that she needed to get out of the relationship.

 

This girl is like a sister to me, we have been friends half our lives & when I saw her break down (she is still crying everyday) & have a ajor panick attack, I knew that she was in a bad situation. He was not into drugs, but being an a-hole does not require drugs...it is just a character defect.

 

She even tried giving him another chance. But, there was too much resentment there & he began cursing her & her family out & losing his temper more, so, his true colors began to show. She is terribly hurt, but has a great family & friends for emotional support- that is all you need.

 

Stay strong.

[nataliejulie]

Sweetheart, that switch-a-roo of attitude on the phone is him feeling guilty over HIMSELF.

 

DO NOT GET SUCKED IN! I got sucked in time after time and after time, and I'm just left emotionally exhausted.

 

People's true colors show through situations like these.

 

The biggest power you can give him and the worst thing you can feel is to let him know he has you.

[lulu04]

Thanks for responding. My ex tells me that he didn't fall out of love with me, and still hasn't, only serving to further confuse me...

 

I just feel so completely empty and alone. I feel like I lost myself while I was with him and now I don't know how to find me. I mean, I know who I am & I have always had a very strong sense of that. It's more that I just don't know what to DO now. I was taking care of him & focusing all of my energy on him. I'm lost in terms of what I want to do with my life or how to make that happen, as I'm mostly interested in artistic things. I just feel like the future is bleak. I don't believe in myself right now, you know? i just think that anything I would want to do could never happen.

 

I want to meet someone who doesn't cheat on me, and isn't an addict -- to drugs or alcohol -- someone who can have a couple of beers & not have to get drunk; someone who would rather spend time with me than have to go out every single night. Is this too much to ask? And where do I find this magical person??

 

I know I'm not ready for a relationship right now, but I am so shaken by this that I feel so completely hopeless that anyone could possibly love me again. I feel really un-wanted, un-loveable. ugh.

[notmyself24]

Sweetheart, that switch-a-roo of attitude on the phone is him feeling guilty over HIMSELF.

 

DO NOT GET SUCKED IN! I got sucked in time after time and after time, and I'm just left emotionally exhausted.

 

People's true colors show through situations like these.

 

The biggest power you can give him and the worst thing you can feel is to let him know he has you.

 

Yes, yes, yes....((Lulu)) I am sending you big hugs & also: the reasonhe tells you he still loves you, blah, blah is to keep you there emotionally. He sounds like my ex- If I can't have you (don't want you) nobody else can- Just be strong & don't rush into another relationship- revounds are fun at first, but they cause more pain in the end. Take care of yourself, please.

[lulu04]

thanks guys....

I am just having such a hard time adjusting to being alone. I've never lived alone, and while I like it for certain reasons, I just feel really empty. I know I became codependent as I let all of my life become about caring for him, and the worst part about this is how you feel when they leave after all you've given: like you have nothing left to live for; you don't even know where your life went. Definitely an eye opener for me as I didn't even realize how wrapped up I was.

 

So I am just really struggling with that. I'm so exhausted right now from all of this that I know it isn't a good time to try and figure out my life, my path, but I feel SO LOST that I am really scared every day. My future looks very bleak to me.

 

I know I shouldn't be in another relationship right now, and I'm not the type to have casual sex, but I must admit that it is so strange to be alone, my instinct/temptation is to try and find someone else. I am aware that this isn't the right thing to do right now. I just want to be able to be ok with being alone, and NOT be afraid of being alone forever (which I am) -- I don't know how to do this. Any thoughts on this? I want so badly to feel full without a relationship, but it's so new and I'm so crushed that I just don't know how to feel secure in being alone.

[notmyself24]

I can relate to codependancy- like I have said before- I dated/fell in love with an alcoholic- it is very difficult to break free from such a relationship- emotions are magnified 1000 times b/c all the other thinks of is himsel/herself & they just use us as a support- but, when they screw us/leave: who is there for us- simple: we are there for us & in the end, trust me, we will go through pain that they may never feel (god forbid) yet, in the end, we are the better, more enlightened ones. they have to live with themselves, but we have a choice. If we learned from the past, we will not settle anymore. best of all, we will learn to love ourselves too & open are hearts to something better than we coould ever imagine. Best of luck in your selfdiscovery!

[nataliejulie]

lulu --

 

You sound like where I was. Still kinda am in a way. I lived alone after he moved out, then I moved in with my parents. I'm glad I did. I'm never alone and I have love coming all directions.

 

I came to the point where I realized, there's nothing we can do. There's nothing I can do. There's nothing you can do. Why put salt in the wound over and over again? By over analyzing, by losing sleep, by giving him not only your heart but your soul.

 

I haven't spoken to him in a week. I feel great. Because I forgot who I had to love the most and that was myself. I'm making new friends at work, getting my hair done, buying clothes, making future plans for myself... I'm discovering a new me.

 

I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a rebound. I want to be alone and enjoy my own company and learn to not depend on someone else. Try this. I can't wait till I make changes. Do things you never done before. Start hobbies you put off. Learn new things every day. I swear it helps. Give it a little time. If you need me, PM me.

[kpow]

lulu,

 

I know exactly where you are coming from. It is a sh*tty place-- a purgatory between our exes and the future. The problem is in our heads the future seems very bleak and lonely, and even though our exes are all f*cked up, at least they are something to cling to.

 

I don't mind being alone physically-- it is the loneliness of my soul that I can't bear. The loss of someone's LOVE for me. My ex still says he loves me, but he can't be with me. And of course he is still with this other girl. He says I have a corner of his heart-- but I used to have the whole thing!

 

It is so easy for me to say to you--- Get rid of that guy! Take the trash out! Cut the strings! Be strong!. But I know from personal experience that it is the hardest thing to do. What does help is having many people telling you over and over that you are doing the RIGHT thing. You ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

 

Your future will brighten. You should seek treatment for your depression, whether or not you want to take medications. If you are clinically depressed this process will take much longer, and be much harder without treatment.

 

Hang in there, keep posting and take it one day at a time. If you are overwhelmend, take a break and focus on something in front of you-- like a tree or a bird or something not related to him.

 

I don't know the answers, girl. I wish to god I did because I still cry almost everyday. I don't know--- but if I can help you in any way, then that helps me.

[notmyself24]

That was great advise. I know all too well about depression I know right now it may feel like you will die/are going to die, but you are very much alive like "us" who have literally been through hell & back with f-ed up exes & are alive to tell the tale- its ok tocry a lot: even everyday b/c with every tear you shed, you earn my dear, believe me...you learn!

[lulu04]

thanks everyone for posting.

I need to keep posting because things keep changing....I feel like it gets more complicated every day instead of being easier.

 

He called me yesterday and told me he wants to come home, but doesnt know how to "fix" it. Well, obviously it can't be fixed. But he was crying and he confessed to me (without me asking) that he has been using coke since february (he left at the end of aug) & that at first he used it at work to get through long shifts, but now he said he's using it almost every day, both at work & when he goes out!! He was crying to me and said he needed help. He said no one knows about this except the few people he does it with, so none of his "real" friends are aware of the situation. Then he said he thought about killing himself all the time. THEN he told me that no one even called him on thanksgiving, not even his family.

 

You guys, this is KILLING me to hear this. I don't care what he did to me, I can't stand the thought of him destroying himself. I want to help very badly. It was very painful for me to hear all of this. I also can't believe I never knew all of this was going on for so many months. He said that since he's left, the coke use has gotten "bad."

 

To make matters worse, there was this nice guy at work who I was told had a crush on me, or whatever, and we spent TG together (with friends, too), he was flirting with me & he's a great guy, and at the end of the night we made out and it was AWFUL!! Just awkward and weird and NOT GOOD!! It made me feel worse because I had kind of romanticized this guy in my head, and then it was like, there is just NO comparison to what I had with my ex...

 

I don't think I'll ever find anyone that I connect to like I did with my ex. Even when we talked yesterday, he was sober, normal, and we had such a comfortable conversation. But I know I shouldn't take him back, but it kills me that a drug can destroy us....it's not anything with US. ANd I don't know what to do now.....and I don't want him to be hurting, hurting himself...

 

if this were a friend of mine, I would do anything to help them. But I don't know how to help him and protect myself. Maybe I will get some treatment options from my counselor & give them to him so if he decides he wants to quit, he has help. Maybe that is all that I can do at this point....

[notmyself24]

This is such a complicated & intense situation ((Lulu)), god, I can understand your need to help. He sounds so desperate. I want to say that he truly loves you b/c I have been there with a man who was an alcoholic- we last 4 years- there are different types of addicts- even romance/emotional/love addicts!

 

There are places HE can go alone & you can guide him as long as you can detach yourself from him. believe me, i can relate. We can tell you to leave him, forget him, but we are not you- none of us actually know either of you & your relationship is unique since it was intimate/you were engaged. There is a lot of history there...I am not a therapist- you should talk to a professional about this, seriously. Is he dangerous? Would her hurt you in any way: remember that he has aready hurt you emotionally.

 

I know that you love or you think you do. You think, you want to believe in your heart, that is, that he is coming back b/c he misses you & loves you. Be strong & realize that this is a game- he is very manipulative. he knows that you care about him, that is why he calls you crying (crockadile tears).

 

Nobody can understand your plight unless they have been there, I mean in the flesh, the emotions: it feels like you are drowning & part of you is happy that he has called you- if you want to help, so he leaves you alone- look for a group he can join- they are free. You DO NOT have to help him, he left you...so maybe a restraining order may be what you really need, maybe that is too extreme.

 

I am just giving you some ideas. Obviously, I cannot tell you what to do. f you were a friend or sister, I would definitely try anything in my power to keep him away from you- you do deserve better than him.

 

As far as guys go, that is sweet & definitely an ego boost to know that they are interested. It is so tempting to just dive right into another relationship for fear of being alone- one word: rebound. Please focus on you & keep an open mind, don't shut anyone out completely, just make it clear from the get go, that you are the most important thing right now.

 

I wish I could do more to help. Just follow your womanly instincts & be careful!

[sparticuss]

Ok lulu, lets us just wander through this point by point.

 

Firstly have you ever bought a gun, or checked train times , with the specific intention of killing yourself. If not then you don't "feeel like you are dying". I've known guys who have actually been suffereing from post seperation trauma so badly that they have seriously tried.

 

Secondly

 

The three month delayed reaction is normal. It last for another three to six months.

 

Thirdly

 

If the biggest problem is his stuff its not a super big problem. More about that later.

 

 

 

Forthly

 

When you last saw him did he want to work on things or did YOU desperately hope he wanted to work on things

 

Fifthly

 

Sleeping with somebody else means nothing. If I pay a prostitute so many dollars I can be sleeping with somebody else tonight too. Sleeping with somebody else means he has sex. It doesn't mean he has another girlfriend.

 

Sixthly (important one)

 

He hasn't turned into anybody you don't know. The man you dated never existed. You looked at him through rose coloulred glasses for years and you saw some sort of wonderful , perfect man, who never existed. Good men exist. Perfct men do not. And most men take offence to the whole idea of perfect men . It loads them up with a whole swathe of stupid expectations that even the finest men cant meet.

 

Seventh

Check with a legal aid office about his stuff. You can't just toss it inot the garbage but, after giving him reasonable notification ( the legal aid boys know what that means) you can just dump his stuff on the street and then it's his responsibility to pick it up before somebody else does.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

anymore & had to call him to insist that he finally come and get his things. already, told me i was want, ok?"

 

do you accept losing a love this way???

[lulu04]

Hi guys,

I'm not sure if I just made a mistake, but I am at the end of my rope.

 

He was supposed to come and get his things Monday. That was the 7th time we have planned and he hasn't shown. I also need to get the papers from him to separate our cell phones so I'm not paying for both. I called Monday. I texted him last night -- what is going on??? He has not responded to either, so I figure he has been on a "bender" again & not functioning in reality.

 

I decided today to email his cousin who lives here -- he is 50 and a very nice man, so I'm hoping he understands my situation & that I'm not trying to get him in the middle, but trying to get someone else to reach the ex, to get through to him since I obviously can't.

 

I am not the person to throw his things out in the street, I'm sorry. I can't do that, I won't. I don't even think that's legal. But I thought maybe his cousin would take the things at his place. I didn't mention the drug use, but I did say that I thought he was doing some unhealthy things and maybe needed someone to help him.

 

Was this wrong?? Well, it's done now and it's all I can do. I am running out of options. I'm so exhausted, so empty, so scared, so sad. All I can think of is US how it was --- why do these drugs have to exist??? Now we are ruined. How will I ever trust anyone? I feel like so many men are so immature, or have drinking problems, commitment issues, etc etc...I just don't want to start all over, i really don't. I really loved him. I still do.