Am I crazy?

[poppygirl2005]

I'm just wondering what people think of the following situation: My husband and I have been married for 2 months (I'm 22 and he's 29...we have been together for 2 years) and sometimes I feel like he's not that interested in me and last night I ended up flipping out about it (will tell more later). I havent changed at all since we got married....its not like I'm suddenly in flannel pjs or sweat pants every time he sees me. When he gets home (I'm currently searching for a job...while he works) I'm always nicely dressed (not fancy...just jeans and a nice shirt...hair done...little bit of makeup etc) and at night I generally wear lingerie of some sort (I got A LOT of it at my wedding shower)...not always because I'm trying to entice him or encourage something but because I just find it more comfortable to sleep in...less constricting...etc.

 

Anyway, given that he sees a lot of me at night...I would think he would be more interested in being intimate with me. He tends to go on the computer when he gets home from work (for like 1/2 hour...not excessive) and then sits on the couch reading a magazine or doing designs for work and really doesnt pay *that* much attention to me. When we go to bed at night I never know if he's going to be interested in sex or not and so it always seems to be up to him when we do it. 4 or 5 days can go by with no sex and I always take it personally and wonder whats wrong "with me". He says that he's "always" interested in me....but honestly, I dont feel it. I get really bored sometimes...I spend all day looking for jobs and being alone and when he gets home I still feel like I'm alone.

 

So last night, when we are getting ready for bed he put on this big show about how tired he was (yawning loudly...etc) and basically covered himself up with the comforter and I couldnt even see him. He had his back to me and I dont know, I just got really ticked off and made some comments that caused him to call me "miss. cranky". He then rolls over and puts his head on me and his leg accross my entire body...and it was uncomfortable so I told him he couldnt sleep like that. I just felt so annoyed that I feel like I'm a toy or accessory he has in the apartment that he can play with and socialize with whenever he feels like but when he doesnt I feel ignored...or neglected physically and emotionally. I just couldnt believe that after 4 nights he wouldnt be interested in sex or me in any way at all. I thought the man was supposed to "want it all the time" but it just isnt that way and its not like I want it every day...because I dont...but it would be nice if he would show some interest.

 

Anyway, basically I ended up storming out of the bedroom (I couldnt stand to lie there awake while HE snored loudly next to me) and I told him that I felt like he wasnt interested in me and so and then went out to the livingroom to watch tv. I accidently fell asleep out there and I'm sure he thought I slept on the couch on purpose...but I did intend on sleeping next to him I just felt frustrated and angry that once again, I just wasnt exciting enough for him.

 

So today, he doesnt call me on his lunch like he usually does so I send him a pleasant email saying I hope his day is going ok and said that we would have a nice dinner tonight when he got home...you know, the usual domestic stuff. I told him I loved him and then signed off the email. Well, he doesnt bother to send me a quick email back acknowledging what I sent him or calling me at all and now I'm just as angry as I was last night. It seems like he has to have all the power in all aspects of our marriage and I think he probably didnt email me or call because he knew it would bother me that he didnt. He typically does stuff like that or says stuff to me that he knows will get to me when we're having a conflict.

 

Am I crazy for feeling like I need more attention from him? I dont want to be angry when he gets home but I dont know how to get out of it. Am I justified or being to sensitive about the calling/emailing thing? I dont know. Advice/thoughts please!

[emma34]

Well...I don't think your being entirely irrational. I don't know your exact situation, thereforeeee my advice is that you talk to him about this. Don't let him fall into taking advantage of your exsistence either. In this situation, the best thing is to usually get rid of the distractions - like going on a weekend trip or spending a Sunday doing "couple" things, even go on a date. your state right now (looking for a job, staying home alone a lot) needs more attention, because it can be very frustrating...let him know how you feel. I don't know if I helped at all - but I hope everything works out for you.

[LiquidCherry]

I don't have any advice for you (though I really wish I did). I understand how you feel though. My boyfriend acts in a very similar manner and it leaves me feeling unwanted, unloved and unimportant and I don't know what do to about it either. I've tried talking to him, offereing some things to do that would make me feel better...

 

I don't think you're crazy, you just have an unmet need. It is possible though that he had a busy day at work and that's why he didn't call. Or he might still be upset about your falling asleep on the couch.

[Itsok]

He's not right, and neither are you. You said it yourself, you're home all day lonely, and when he gets home, he probably wants some downtime to unwind. You probably don't mean to, but you're probably clinging to him somewhat because you are alone during the day.

 

Don't you have some pals to hang out with? You are giving this guy too much of your attention. Sounds stupid, I know, but if you go out a few times a week and let him pursue you things will return to normal.

 

We women shower men with too much attention, and they need to feel that they have to pursue you. It's a sporting event to them. Stupid, yes. Will it work? Absolutely. Be more unavailable.

[RayKay]

I don't think you are crazy for feeling the way you do. It does not mean that he IS less interested in you, but there is probably a lot of validity in feeling like he may be given your descriptions.

 

Things like him coming home and going on computer, reading - might be methods of decompression for him after a long day at work. Sometimes people need some space in between switching from work mode to "off mode".

 

As for sex, no, men don't want it "all the time". Just like women, things like stress, fatigue, changes in the relationship can all affect his level of interest. Do you ever initiate? What happens when you do? Sometimes if he seems tired and like he is not going to initiate, if you initiate you might find his mind changes pretty quickly!

 

It sounds more to me like you two are going through a period of adjustment together. And you both are having a bit of a disconnect with one another about what you both need, or feel a relationship should be more like.

 

I think instead of storming out if he does not initiate something, you need to both sit down and talk about how things are, and how you are feeling. No need to be confrontational, but keep an open mind to what he says...listen to him, as well as tell him how you feel lately.

 

What kind of things do you do to try and break out of this "rut"? Maybe you need to learn to turn it on and off. Sure you might always be dressed in lingerie at night, but what if you weren't? What if you dressed up in a smoking hot dress, heels, and treated him to a little show, rather then had it all out on the table right away for example? Took him out for dinner and let him salivate over you, let him know you weren't wearing any underwear under your short skirt and offered to him to "check it out" under the table? How would he react?

 

It sounds like you are really dependent on him, around all day at home and relying on him to be the bright spot in your day. When he can't meet that due to his own worries, you resent him for it. Take charge of your own happiness...get out there and do things. In between job searches meet a friend for lunch, or go for a invigorating run. Do things for you, that don't need him. He'll see the change. And you'll have more to talk about with him!

 

One more thing, can I ask if you lived together before you got married?

[Relationship Coach]

It sounds to me like he has developed some sort of resentment towards you. If his patterns have changed to the degree that you say they have, it's time to talk to him about it. There are underlying issues which he is not being forthright about. This can certainly lead to bigger issues down the road. Withholding sex and intimacy can send you both down the road to infidelity.

 

You are suffering from rejection and you are now questioning your own worth. Stop it! Stop looking for a job and go get a job. When he realizes his "toy" is no longer available to him when he wants it to be, he will take notice. The last thing you want to be is co-dependent on him. Your independence will either make him take notice or prepare you to be stronger.

 

His actions are devious, by intentionally throwing his leg over you he was forcing your hand to tell him to get off of you. Reversing the situation and making you reject his lame attempt at physical contact is a real sign of trouble. You have made it clear to him how you feel, now show him. Get dressed up and go out without him. Go out with friends, go out by yourself, just go out and be unavailable and unaccountable to him. Read his reaction very carefully.

[RayKay]

His actions are devious, by intentionally throwing his leg over you he was forcing your hand to tell him to get off of you.

 

Um, I guess you are not much of a cuddler then are you I don't know, my partner and I sleep intertwined and with limbs thrown over each other all the time, and I can't say either of us have ever thought it was devious! Maybe he really was trying to be close to her...

 

I don't know how that was forcing it. I don't think her resenting him for not initiating sex is right either, I am not sure what the OP has attempted to change this, but I don't think it's fair to assume it's all on him, or all the blame is on him, or his actions are all resentful or devious either.

 

There are two sides to every story

 

I do agree a talk, and some changes are in order though to shake things up and change her dependency.

[teacup]

he sounds like he could be abusive. this could be the start of it.

[WyseOne]

I know exactly what you are going through, I suffered from a girlfriend of 2 years that could never show me any affection and never complimented me which upset me to the point where I was loosing my mind and I started loosing my temper very easily and was not being myself. After spending time with my psychiatrist it didn't take long for him to determine that there was a lack of affection from her and made it clear that it is considered emotional abuse, when two people are together in a relationship and one is not showing any affection or only does when they know it is upsetting you it is not right. Love is a commitment, it takes work from both sides. Everyone needs affection, it gives them a sense of security which is required in ANY relationship.

 

The longer this goes on for the more damaging it is going to be, you start to lose your self-esteen and start thinking you are good enough for your partner that there must be something wrong with you.

 

My self-esteem took a huge dive, it was almost none existant in my relationship and I thought I was not good enough for anyone. My psychiatrist asked if I had previous relationships which I told him I did and asked how things were when I was with my previous partners, how long was I with them and how physically and emotionally I was attracted to them. I then realized that I was not the problem.

 

I realized the relationship didn't end because of my faults, the relationship ended because my parter was constantly putting me down due to the lack of affection and I was not able to treat her properly, I started looking for other ways to satisfy myself, I never even though about being unfaithful I just starting to be materialistic, needing to buy things that were not important to me just to get my mind off the problem, to give me something to do so I wouldn't thibk about it which in turn caused more problems because I started ignoring her. I started talking to another girl just to get some reaction from her that would make me feel like she did really want me. I should have ended it along time before she left me however love is the most powerful feeling that you experience and sometimes it clouds your judgment.

 

Now this is what I feel you should do. Something I should have done along time ago with my ex. Couples therapy, talk to someone NOW, don't let this go any further, you are not crazy but you are and will go crazy if you don't seek professional help. Stop trying to entice him it will only hurt you more. Find out what the real problem is. After all he is with you that means he wants to be, he married you didn't he? Find out what is holding him back but you can't do this alone, I can promise that. I never took this route, I too was thinking one day she will wake up but the longer it went on the more I did foolish things, the more she resented me until she decided that was enough and left.

 

The other mistake I made was constantly bugging her for sex, she liked sex so I figured that if we had sex that would be the affection I needed however this caused more problems, I am sure she only thought I wanted her for sex but that was not it. At the time it just seemed easier to get her to have sex with me than to just hold me or show other forms of affection which is all I ever wanted. I should have been avoiding bugging her for sex and talked to her about just showing me some affection. Maybe that is what you should concentrate on, I know sex is the highest form of affection so that is why our brains tell us we need it. Don't make the same mistake I did, don't even mention sex start by seeing if you can get him to show simple forms of affection ask him for a spontaneous hug or a kiss, just something simple every once and awhile to show you mean something to him, I know it would have made the biggest difference with my relationship with my ex and I wish I knew then what I know now.

[Relationship Coach]

RayKay,

 

You are incorrect in assuming that I do not cuddle. Very affectionate and enjoy it. I was not referring to my personal experience or what I have done. I have counseled many couples having these very same issues in my practice and more often than not they follow the same pattern. Read back over her post, he was trying to placate her by giving her the pseudo contact she was looking for. He knows how to push her buttons:

 

seems like he has to have all the power in all aspects of our marriage and I think he probably didnt email me or call because he knew it would bother me that he didnt. He typically does stuff like that or says stuff to me that he knows will get to me when we're having a conflict.

 

Yes there are two sides to every story but there is really no need to read between the lines on this one. She is feeling the affects of his lack of intimacy and attention. She certainly is not asking for much here. We are not talking about clingy or obsessive behavior about getting attention. She wants to be loved and made loved to other than the once in a blue moon when he initiates. He is treating her like a concubine. She is not running to the door and humping his leg like a dog when he gets home. She is tolerable of his nightly routine, but the lack of his intimacy in bed is hurting her. In my line of work sometimes we are not afforded the ability to have both sides of the story. Many times you only hear one side and provide the best advice possible.

[Beec]

I think you need to approach your problem from a different angle. Frankly, you should put on the flannel feety pajamas for a while.

 

He sees you in something you think is sexy every night. It stopped having the affect you think it would a long time ago. When it is there all the time, we begin to take it for granted.

 

Same thing goes for your attention. If you always pay him attention, if you are clingy, then he won't seek your attention. Act a bit more indpeendent a bit more aloof. Withdraw, and maybe he will soon find himself missing your attention. If not, then get back here, and we can work out a plan to get him to give it to you.

 

You need to think about what will work on him. Let's say you want to every night, but your approach is to ask him every night. But the fact of you asking, turns him off. Should you continue just doing that? I'd hope not. Let's say the feety flannels turn him on? Should you wear them? Of course. Not all the time, but of course you should. And you should also make him do things to turn you on. You need to try different things and get into his head. But first, withdraw.

 

I don't know if his lack of giving you attention is abusive or not. I don't know if you being clingy drove any desire to be this way out of him. But I think you see how he is and waht you do and it is a combination that is not working. Complaining here won't help that combination to work any better than it has until now. You must change it. try different things and do what works.

[teacup]

if you describe it as feeling treated like you are a possession or toy. that is a HUGE warning sign. being around someone normal, you wouldn't feel this way.

 

i am sure he knows how you are feeling. he just doesnt care enough to do anything about it.

 

a normal just married man if faced with a wife who felt neglected or didnt get enough affection or attention, would try and meet her needs more. if someone likes you or loves you, they will want to please you and make you happier.

 

it sounds like he just doesnt care.

[WyseOne]

How was your relationship before marriage?

[miracle29]

Wait a minute, hold the phone. Ladies, lets not scare her. I am married and I'm going through almost the same thing, and I did sit down and speak to my husband about this. He just told me last night "i'm exhausted, i'm stressed, I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders". When he told me this, I felt for him, and realized that he is NOT on the road to cheating, or Resenting me" but that he is fatiged, stressed and cranky. I did initiate the intimacy last night and let me tell ya, he was very happy. He said he has been cranky because of the amount of work. I agree with Ray Kay that 9 times out of 10 a man may be under so much pressure, that sex is the last thing on his mind. Not all men are sex bandits who have to have it all the time. Many of them are like us when we are upset or stressed..."NOT IN THE MOOD".

 

I think you need to speak with him, (not at him) and tell him "i'm here for you if you need me, and I feel that you are being a little distant with me. Let me know if you need to vent to me about work or just talk. " and be kind to him. Eventually he'll come to you, or he'll vent it out like my hubby did to me last night. It made me feel so much better that he came clean abou this.

[WildChild]

Um, has anyone heard of "the first year is the hardest?" As hard as it is, most couples say during their first year that if they knew it was going to be like this, they never would have gotten married. After the first year, things normally get better. It is a time to adjust, fluff your feathers to only realize that just because your married now doesn't mean you own them. I think it is just the "first year" thing....anyone else agree?

[RayKay]

Okay, well with the first comment, I was just poking your buttons. The honest truth is we don't know his motivation for what he did. Perhaps he has a lot on his mind, was not feeling sexual and just wanted some closeness.

 

Now, how did she ask for it? She accused him of not being affectionate or intimate, right? How do people often respond to pressure or being criticized? Do they immediately feel enamoured to respond by doing what the person wants? No.

 

When he does touch her at all, what did she do? She jumped up furious, stormed out of room and slept on couch. How did that make him feel?

 

How is she initiating? Is she intitiating or expecting him to? These are all important too.

 

Yes, she is feeling that way. But what is he feeling? Maybe he feels that she is dependent and clingy on him for her own happiness? Maybe he just needs some time after work to decompress and not have to answer to another "boss" at the end of the day. Maybe he feels pressure to support her and them both right now while she is not working, and it's adding more stress.

 

How do you know she is not being clingy or that he does not feel that way?

 

Yes we only hear her side and have to deal with that, but I think there are also questions we can ask her to get a better handle on the situation. I find it odd that we immediately jump on him, when you if you are a relationship coach should know that it takes two. I am not saying it's all her fault, I am just saying it's not all his fault either.

 

I just find it ridiculous when we immediately start laying ALL blame on him, for something that sounds very much like a communication breakdown and adjustment for BOTH of them, not just him. This is something they need to TALK about, and both listen to one another.

[Relationship Coach]

RayKay,

 

She didn't storm off because he touched her, his snoring drove her out!

 

Anyway, basically I ended up storming out of the bedroom (I couldnt stand to lie there awake while HE snored loudly next to me) and I told him that I felt like he wasnt interested in me and so and then went out to the livingroom to watch tv.

 

I'm not here to debate you on the how, why or what I base my advice on. I take in to consideration as to what is provided to me and everything else which is excluded has to be broken down with points of question and validation. She can take in to consideration what I am saying or dismiss it. Just like your advice or anyone else's on here. It benefits her greatly to have varied view points and opinions.

 

If he had accused her of being clingy, I'm sure she would have added that. That could be an entire polling topic alone. Yes, there is a break down in communication and again he would rather torment her than acknowledge her attempts to communicate. As I said before, she needs to get a job and find her own independence.

 

Sometimes marriage can create "ownership" issues where one person feels ownership over the other one based on control and money issues. Intimacy and sex are often used as a bartering tool. Sad but true. She needs to draw a line at what she will and wont accept and make it very clear to him. Without love and intimacy how long would any marriage last? Yes there are other aspects that can hold a marriage together but we are talking about two young individuals who have been married for months. The fact that they were together for two years prior to getting married tells me there is a real issue beyond an exhausting and stressful job.

 

I have a very successful coaching business and enjoy helping people get what they want out of life. You seem to fancy yourself as well as an advice giver, we just don't agree. That's life and I can respect your opinion without seeing things your way.

[chai714]

I'll echo what others said just to drive the point into the ground: Limit your availability, be less needy and become more independent. You can't rely on your husband for your sole happiness. Seems like he knows he can have you anytime he wants, and thereforeeee he does not value his time with you. You can help him appreciate you and value his time with you if you're not so available.

 

Do this by getting involved in something other than looking for a job. Join anything you can, enroll yourself in a night class, tutor a child after school, volunteer in a hospital, join a gym class (yoga I suggest), find a new hobby - anything you can do will help. Not only will this build your self-esteem, but it will also limit your availability that your husband has to you.

If you knew you could have something ANYTIME you wanted it,you would naturally take it for granted. This is human nature - any human would take for granted something they could have at the snap of a finger. So, you can help condition your husband's brain to not take your attention or presense for granted. Try it and see how he reacts. Observing people's reaction to your actions is a great way of learning how they work, and (how to manipulate them) but in a good sense. I know people are going to stone me for using the word "manipulate" but in this sense it's to help your husband learn to appreciate you more, and for you to build up your own self-esteem. Good luck.

[WyseOne]

Not all women shower men with affection.

 

My ex couldn't, In her defense I know exactly why but I believed if you truly loved someone you would learn how.

[RayKay]

I wasn't attacking your opinion, and I too respect you can have one. I just think there is a breakdown here in what you interepret as to what I interpret, and all I was doing initially was trying to show how what you saw, can also be seen in other ways. Immediately coming down on him for the lack of sex and intimacy and that it points to control issues seems to be ignoring there may also be factors on her part as well that are contributing or just a basica breakdown in proper communication between them.

 

Her comment that you quoted (about her leaving cause he was snoring) to me was not indicative that he actually already was asleep, but that she predicted he "would be" while she lied awake. So she stormed off - and he must of been awake because she also told him what she was doing. Now, I think you and I may both be able to conclude that running off is not the best way to address things, right?

 

No, he did not accuse her of being clingy (though that does not mean she is not being, or he does not feel it), but I think it would do her very well to not depend on him for her happiness right now, which she seems to do. That can feel very pressuring on anyone, nor do most people want to be pestered for sex.

 

I agree sexual intimacy is important, that is something I have never disputed, however I believe there is more to it then him just "not wanting it and trying to control her". She says they DO have it every few days, so perhaps they need to talk about why it has reduced - there have bene big changes in their lives (marriage, her not working) that may be affecting things. Maybe they just have different sex drives at the moment. Maybe he is feeling differently right now about her, but it does not make him "devious". How do we not know he is just not stressed, or that his sex drive is lower then hers? How do we know what she had done on her part? She has not answered whether she tries to initiate. If it was ALWAYS up to me to initiate, I too would probably see it as more chore then pleasure. Responding to him not initiating by storming off is not constructive, and it's why I asked her does she initiate, and what does he do when she does. It is VERY clear she did it to get a reaction out of him and "hurt him" back and when she did not get the desired effect the cycle started over again. Again, he did not email her back this morning after she slept on the couch - does he know she fell asleep accidentally, or does he feel she purposely did so to hurt him? If the latter, I am not sure I would immediately be opening my arms up to her either.

 

I did read her post over several times, and I am not sure he was "placating" her as you said by touching her - she did not say she had tried to start any intimacy - she got mad at him as he was huddled under the blankets and made some "comments"...he called her cranky in response, cuddled up to her and she got mad as she probably felt he was not listening to her, but it's hard to listen when someone is not discussing what is wrong without being critical. Maybe you read that section differently, but to me it sounded as if she had just as much part in instigating and being negative and critical as he may have been.

 

I feel that her being bored all day, is also having her focus her resentment and exaberate things he may have ALWAYS done, but now they seem "bigger" due her own feelings of feeling he needs to keep her entertained every evening. So he yawned a lot...how do we not know he is not really TIRED but because she has been bored all day and spent time building up this resentment, she sees it differnetly???? Does he know this is what she expects? I don't know...but that's a big responsibility to throw on someones shoulders every day.

 

This is why they need to both LISTEN to one another rather then just talking at one another, or each getting angry when the other one does not meet the expectations they set out for them.

 

I think that your post was great, and I agreed with you, I just had a dispute with assuming he was being "devious"...that would imply he is trying to control her and manipulate her, and based on what she wrote, I think that is a rather big assumption. Again, I was not attacking your opinion, and I was really joking about the cuddling thing (see to me throwing a leg on her and his head on her may have been cuddling up, but she resented it as she wanted something else) but just the choice of words and assumption on his motive without also looking at her behaviours as well as being part of the result.

[italianstalian]

theaten to chop off his balls...........thats what my gf always says to me and it always works

[confused_confused]

I understand. I am going through almost the same. It feels as though you are not there. They go on with their day to day life and you're the one who is left wondering what's wrong and what's going on?