Should I date......?

[OCD]

Hi all,

I figured that this topic might belong in another forum, but some of you have seen my whole story from the beggining and I figured this would be the place to come because ultimatley I want my ex back. So, it's been 10 weeks since my ex broke it off, I enforced strict NC the whole time. She started calling me after about a month. At first it was at random, now she seems to call once a week or so. I do answer her calls now...but not after she called about 7-8 times...I figured she was opening up, which she did after I finally made my first call to her in 2 months; this was about 2 weeks ago now. We talked about the breakup, why she did it, why she ended it the way she did, etc. She even apologized too, but no talk of wanting to work it out, or if she misses me, etc. Every time she calls now it's all about her trying to find out what I've been up to, with who, where, how, on and on. Nothing really what she's doing, she's just overly curious about me which I find strange because like I told her "you broke up with me remember? I feel uncomfortable opening up to you again because I don't want to get hurt." So this brings me to my question, I've decided to venture out because I was tired of staying home thinking about the day my ex would come back to me. I've meet a few people, gone out with friends that happen to be girls, etc. I do have a potential "date" this Sat. Do I go on the date? Most of the feelings for me ex have calmed down tremendously, but there's still that hope deep down. I like this girl that I met and we'd have a really good time on Sat...I just want to be fare to this girl, but I don't have anything that tells me my ex is coming back soon even after she seems jealous that I've been meeting friends and going on with my life...I figured that's her loss...she shouldn't have broken my heart and if she wants to work it out then "Tell Me!" My ex seems to be beating around the bush about the whole thing, but I can't wait the rest of my life waiting for her, right? Any thoughts please...thanks!

[redandblack]

You can date this girl and, in fact, I would reccomend it. It sounds like you've come a long ways in recovering from your breakup. Don't be waiting around your your ex. If she dumped you, there is almost indefinitely someone better out there for you. I can't really read in to your ex's actions, but really, does it matter? If she wanted you back, she would let you know.

 

Be fair to this girl if you are going to go out on a date with her. If you're going as friends, that is even better. If not, you should tell her you aren't looking for anything serious right now.

 

Getting dumped is terrible, but you've come so far! Keep going!

 

Take care

[OCD]

Thanks Redandblack...I appreciate it. The thing is my ex called me last Friday and 'really' wanted to talk and even called back a couple minutes later after we hung up...I can tell she wants to talk, but I suppose I shouldn't read anything into that. I have come a long ways, but it still hurts on some days. I miss her, but I can't wait, right? Thanks again.

[eva1218]

OCD,

 

As a female, I would read your ex's action this way.

Sure she still cares about you, and trying to do something outthere.

But since she was the dumper, I believe its kind of hard for her to just say "oh, sorry...I made a mistake, I want you back now". Your NC surely done something on her.

 

I think, its only a matter of time....when will she ask you back.

 

As for your date, I think you should go. You are single, you have the right to see what's outthere!! You can control the situation with the new girl before things get serious(if there will be any..)!

 

Just take it easy, and see how it goes.

Remember to take care your own feelings first.

 

Eva

[OCD]

Thanks Eva, that makes sense about just going with the flow...I'll try. I'm feeling better and my confidence has started coming back after that major blow I hope you're right about my ex coming around.....someday? For now I'm going out on that date Sat. and I'm going to have a darn good time, drinks, dancing, etc. Thanks again for the support

OCD

[PlayBrat]

OCD,

 

I finally got a response from an ex ...and I think it was partly because I told him I am dating someone else. I did not tell him this to provoke a reaction but rather so he didn't think my intentions were to "get him back". I cannot say he replied out of jealousy (only HE knows that)..but after months and months of not hearing from him..THIS is what he responded to.

 

I think you should go on this date. You are not with your ex..so you're a free agent, as she is. If she is jealous..so what? As you said SHE broke up with you and she has NOT said she wants you back...and truthfully, even if she did ask you back, going right back to her might backfire. My advice is to start over slowly...become friends..and let her see what she's missing.

[OCD]

Thanks Playbrat,

I'm trying to be friends with my ex, but not "good friends" you know? I'm just being friendly to her, but her idea of friends is grilling me on every little detail about what I'm doing...i.e. where I work out at, who I'm going to dinner with last week even though it was just a friend, why can I talk to them and not her, etc....So I want to be friends, but also keeping a little distance...as some folks here have told me, BE MYSTERIOUS...I'm trying

[coooolsome]

Yes OCD you have the right idea. Be friends just not good friends. The type of friend you occasionally hang out with, talk to. This and a little distance is very good, it makes her start thinking. Dont tell her you went on a date unless she asks. If she asks, then be very vague. She was nice. We had a good time. Dont rub it in and dont drag out that conversation.

[sibling295]

Oh Geez - If you dont go out with this girl and have a great time - I will!!! Just kiddin- hahaha......

[OCD]

Thanks Sibling295...that's what I tell myself sometimes. Things like "what are you thinking, of course you're going out with her, are you crazy!!" Then that other sides steps in and goes what are you doing, you still love your ex...just wait a little longer, she'll come around....

[sibling295]

exactly!!!

this is not over with - calmdown.

go out with this girl and have fun !!!! SMILE AND ACT CONFIDENT

[whatitis]

Im also kind of in this situation. She is going out with someone else already and I have the chance to start dating a friend but I just dont know if I really want to because it could cause her to think I dont care about trying to be with her anymore and im also doing NC which could make her think I dont care all together. I dunno im confused.

[OCD]

Whatitis, I understand your sitch. What everyone has been telling me is go out and have fun. In my sitch, I do believe my ex knows how I feel about her and she should know that I'd like to work things out with her if she would only give some sort of sign or just say so. I never said anything like "I never want to hear from you again" ,etc. So, she broke up with me and I finally decided after over 2 months to start getting out there because I was sick of feeling horrible about the breakup. We can't control them to come back to us, but we can show them that we have lives outside of them. That just might be the thing to get their wheels turning and perhaps miss us. I'm waiting for my ex to call again just because I do miss her, but I can't seem needy at this stage. So I met some different people and I'm going on my date this Sat. It's been about 2 years since I've been on a date other than with my ex...so this is strange, but it feels good and it's building my confidence back up...Bottom line, I feel I've done everything I could have done, or better yet "not have done" to get her back and the ball is totally in her court. I know her enough that I do think she'll wake up one day and go "oh my gosh I made a mistake!" But she's the type of person that won't act on it, so hopefully she'll come around and at least give me some signs and we can go from there....time will tell...

[nataliejulie]

Thanks Sibling295...that's what I tell myself sometimes. Things like "what are you thinking, of course you're going out with her, are you crazy!!" Then that other sides steps in and goes what are you doing, you still love your ex...just wait a little longer, she'll come around....

 

Another reason to not date is that you aren't over your hurt or break up. No relationship right now with another woman will be healthy till you, yourself, has been repaired.

It's good to go out and have fun! But the thing with rebounds I have come to see is that they do two things --

 

* They make you forget your ex.

* After some time, they make you miss your ex more. (only because you are not over that ex and find yourself comparing them to every detail!)

 

Take some time for yourself, no seriousness. When you can wake up in the morning, feel good about yourself, accept it's over, and move on... without her in mind.

[redandblack]

whatitis (and others)--

 

You need to stop worrying about what your ex will think. If you want to go out on a date DO IT! It will be fun and relieving. You don't need to get into anything serious right now. Date, have fun, and just meet other girls. It will help, even if you aren't looking for anything long-term.

 

The longer you wait, the more depressed you will get. The best part, if you will, about being dumped is figuring out how to live for and love yourself again. This is also the key to recovering.

 

In any relationship it's very easy to stop loving yourself and allow your partner to do all that work. Eventually, one must realize that it is impossible for all your happiness to come from one person.

[OCD]

Interesting responses...On one hand I'm not getting into anything long term. I'd be crazy to do that right now, so I do think it's better to get out there and see what can happen. That's why I asked this question originally because I don't want to get into another bad situation; leading someone on... I feel as long as I'm up front and honest with whom ever I go out with everything should be cool. It's all about me right now I'm just casually going out and getting a different perspective on life and when/if my ex decides to come back around, I'll be a more confident person, the guy she fell in love with, right. I need to give my ex time and she seems to be very curious recently about everything about me...by the way I still haven't called her from last Friday...that was an interesting evening...that's on another thread. I'm holding strong and if by me going out on friend dates or regular dates helps me be more confident than how is that wrong? Thank you.

[OCD]

Hi all,

Thanks for all of the encouragement...the date is tonight and I'm pretty excited...My ex still hasn't called since our episode from last Friday. Our talk actually went pretty well, but she just wanted to know everything about me without saying too much about herself. So I'm going out tonight with a very fun person, she's pretty cool. It will be nice to have my ex off my mind at least for one night...I do miss her, but I can't keep this pain I have inside for her...I need to let go at some pointe. I think by my ex calling every week or so now only shows that she's A.interested still and cares or B.wants me but doens't know how to go about it, confused...So after all of the advice accross the board NC is still ok for me and to keep letting my ex do all of the contacting, right? There were a few times this week were I wanted to call, but I held back especially the night when I had a few drinks...that would have been a disaster So I'll keep up the NC and hope my ex calls again...for now wish me luck on my date tonight. It's nothing serious just good fun and good company. Thanks all

[Trax]

You should absolutely go out and have fun tonight. Forget about your ex. I know its hard. I'm in a similar situation, but it took me a little while to realize that if my ex truly loved me and cared then we would be together and she wouldn't have treated me the way she did.

 

Her contacting you is her way of keeping you on a leesh so she can go out and have her fun and keep you there as a backup. Don't let her do it. It will hold you back. The more you let go and accept that its over and the less contact you have, the better.

 

Just go out and enjoy yourself and don't worry about what your ex is thinking/doing or if she will call or not. Quite frankly, she broke up with you and the bottom line is what you're doing now is none of her business.

 

I've begun seeing someone else and at this point I couldn't care less what my ex is doing or if she ever gets in touch with me again. I know she will, but I've moved on and can focus on seeing what else is out there.

[OCD]

Thanks Trax,

It is none of her business what I'm doing...it's funny though she calls and tries to find out every little detail about what I'm doing (ie where I work out at, who I'm going to dinner with, I can talk to them and not her, etc.), and I don't give it to her. I just keep it friendly and ask her "why do you want to know? You broke up with me remember?" Then she says "because you're not telling me..." So perhaps she's trying to keep me on a leash, but I'm stronger than that. I will not let her play me...I'm just being honest with her and myself...If she doesn't like it I can't force her to do anything. So I will have fun tonight and not think about her...I've done enough of that for 10 weeks now. Thanks again!