back together on MY terms

[DN]

Because that is NOT how you treat someone just because he got scared. Either work on it (don't date ANYONE else) or tell him and let him just move on from you because YOU are actually being the emotionally abusive one here. You may not be "together" but when you tell someone you are taking it slow and working on it, it does not mean dating others, sleeping with others, and hiding it from him. You are hiding it because you know he will walk. And, in all honesty, he should walk from you.

 

I agree with this. If you have this sort of attitude to relationships it may explain why he broke up with you in the first place.

[sibling295]

okay DN and Tiredman - What is up??????

Both of you sound more angry and bitter than me!!!

whats up ????

I feel this forum is a place of freedom and solace - Not a place where two bitter men who cant get a date ATTACK someone who is just being honest and trying to work out confusing emotions .....

DN to say something like "this is why he broke up with you in the first place " is probably the worst possible thing to say - I have always expressed that i was human - that i have faults - i have a right to come here and express myself -

I would prefer if neither of you EVER reply to my threads again.

[DN]

But you also ask for advice and then go and do what you want anyway. The fact is that everybody is more or less saying the same thing. That what you are doing is wrong - plain and simple. And yet you seem to refuse to recognise that.

 

He did nothing wrong. Breaking up with someone because you are unsure is a wise and courageous thing to do. What you are doing is not.

 

If I seem bitter and angry it is because I believe that kindness is the most valuable of all human attributes. It guarantees all the others. And what you are doing is the antithesis of kindness.

 

I don't like to see anyone hurt or lied to - particularly people who do not deserve it.

[DN]

I can't get a date because I don't go looking for one. I have been married for thirty years to a good, kind, honest and faithful woman who would never treat anyone in the way you choose to treat him.

[TiredMan]

So wait because we don't commend you on your incorrect and very hurtful actions, we are ATTACKING you? Gimme a break. What I said is the truth. You are mistreating this guy and I do hope he finds out and walks on you. There is no reason to keep someone in limbo while trying to see if you can get better, which is exactly what you are doing.

 

But hey, I'm not telling the truth because you don't think I can get a date. hahaha ok. I'm sure you notice that not one person said you are doing the right thing. I guess they all have a vendetta right? Gimme a break. If you honestly think like that, I think he had every right to get scared.

[NotMyself]

okay DN and Tiredman - What is up??????

Both of you sound more angry and bitter than me!!!

whats up ????

I feel this forum is a place of freedom and solace - Not a place where two bitter men who cant get a date ATTACK someone who is just being honest and trying to work out confusing emotions .....

DN to say something like "this is why he broke up with you in the first place " is probably the worst possible thing to say - I have always expressed that i was human - that i have faults - i have a right to come here and express myself -

I would prefer if neither of you EVER reply to my threads again.

 

You have a horrible attitude...

[biacd]

Sib, everyone on this forum is trying to help u. We're showing u that what you're doing is wrong. Don't u think so? Every person posting here seems to have the same thinking, and yet u don't appreciate it. You tell people to F off, basically.

 

 

 

Do u think that's the right attitute? We're offering advice to u, so you won't make a mistake, and regret later, and yet u show us your attitude? Come on, please grow up.

[sibling295]

Biacd - I dont have a problem with hearing everyone's advice - hence why i am here !

But i do have a problem with certain few because i dont see why they would say such things as - your disgusting - glad he broke up with you blah blah ....

I am only being honest and heartfelt when i say "I am scared" I personally would never attack someone like that - lots of posters here write with compassion and i try to do the same .

 

anyways - Saw the ex last night - we had it out basically - he said he knows i went on a date SAt. . we talked and cried and talked and cried.

He asked me to stop seeing other men - focus on us - I agreed .

when i left his house this morning , he actually made plans for us to have dinner tonight. I still feel scared that he might run again , but , i guess, i cant be afraid of the future . I do love him , i love him allot. and i am glad he came back - but i dont know if he would of - had i not done the 360 .

thanks

sib

[TiredMan]

You DID attack posters. If you look, not one person agrees with you and have pointed out your attitude.

 

You basically post that you are gonna jerk this guy around because you can and you want people to not think that? Cmon! The title itself shows that : on MY terms. You just don't treat someone like that. Did he cheat on you? Or did he get scared? Think about that. But again, according to you, we all have this opinion because we can't get dates.

[beanpaper]

I think that what it comes down to is you DON'T want him back, sibling. As discussed, you are angry. He hurt you and it lowered your self-esteem, this is a way you've found that makes up the damage. That's understandable. I think, though, that you should just stop contacting your ex, or just tell him straight out that you are dating again.

[Hope75]

I think it's good that you talked things over with him and were honest that you went on a date. Honesty is going to be key if you two want to try and work things out in the future, since that is what facilitates trust.

 

It's OK to be afraid of the future a little bit, your heart was broken and it's only natural that you would be anxious that it could happen again. I went through this with my bf when we got back together too.

 

The fact is, it takes time and work to rebuild that trust with each other, it is not going to happen overnight. You will each have to show the other with your actions that you are serious about working it out and really want to put in what it takes to make this work out.

 

In the beginning, you basically have to make a conscious decision to work at it, and then take a bit of a leap of faith, based on whether the ultimate benefit might outweigh the risk. In the end, if you are successful, it far outweighs the risk.

 

This is why I was concerned the you weren't going to be able to work it out if you were being dishonest about dating others with him. I think you are on the right track now.

[beanpaper]

Meh, sorry, I read that last post.

 

It might help you feel less scared if you keep your outside relationships going more strongly this time around. ie. still go out with the girls and whatever it takes to keep your confidence up.

[sibling295]

Hello enotalone's

First of all let me get something clear:

I in no way shape or form meant that everyone could not get dates. I meant that SPECIFICALLY for two people whose replies to me were outright nasty. One of them informed me of where they were coming from and i then understood and the other still feels the need to be weird- whatever....-so please do not let one bad apple ruin the whole batch.

 

What I have gone thru in my break up has really been up and down. But i did learn that time didnt stop - the world didnt end.

Perhaps my way of moving on I.e. going out allot - meeting lots of guys - is not the way for some -

 

but it really helped my self confidence because i was sooo distraught when my ex got scared and took off. After all the begging and pleading - i decided that 50% of him was not enough.Yeah he wanted to remain friends and keep up contact - but i wouldnt do that.

When he finally came back - it took me the weekend to figure things out but i am ready to give it my all.

Confidence is key here - well in my situation - Had i not been lets say aloof - while he was trying to have contact with me - he wouldnt of felt the pressure to really go out of his way.

 

Not all relationships work out in the end - everyone is different - situations are different - but what has gotten me thru it all and even tomoorw is what I call "the smile" I smile everyday - i am a valuable and wanted and awesome woman and I smile . He saw this - he told me last night - they pick up on it , trust me.

Always always be confident when dealing with the ex's. Imagine you are the hot ticket - you could take them or leave them.

Of course , when you are back together - things must cool down. I am seeing that now. It must always remain equal respect and forgiveness!!!

 

I am now concentrating on being kind to him , and to forgive. Still scared , but i never forget to smile....

[TiredMan]

So wait, because I called you out for what you have done, I can't get dates? Nice logic there.

 

What do you think of those who post "grow up" or "please grow up" or "you have a horrible attitude?

[danylion]

I am sorry but I think you are playing games and all this seems like an act. I have just got back with my ex who also left out of 'the fear'. Like you sibling, i felt anger and pain towards him, I wanted to make him feel the effects of a rejection. BUT Don't you see that your man will be hurting too, If you love him and respect him and you must rise above the negative now. Its fine when you're doing NC as being strong keeps you going, and I suppose it is a kinda role but he has admitted he was wrong and SCARED LIKE YOU, he wants to make it work with you.

 

Try to Stop playing with his emotions now. but if you cant and your bitterness is too strong then it isnt about love anymore, let him go and move on.

 

He never mean to hurt you but you mean to hurt him, deep down you know its not right. Good luck, but like hope says and she knows, the outcome if your honest and take the risk to forgive could be so good. You two could be even better and you will be proud of what you have overcome, together.

 

 

Again, good luck.

[TiredMan]

But according to her, I can't get a date hahaha.

 

You have to love people showing their true colors when their own actions are shown to be completely wrong and they can't handle it.

[lady00]

Hey Sib,

Whatever you do, make sure you can live with yourself at the end of the day. That is all that matters. What other people who don't know you think of your actions is truly irrelevant. It's about your conscience and whether it is clear. I don't agree or disagree with what you have done...I think these are personal decisions which you need to make and you know the circumstances of your situation best. At times, I find your attitude refreshing because you're standing up and saying that you're not just going to run into someone's arms because he decides he wants you back after leaving and hurting you. Other times, it seems like you're doing things which might hurt the person that you love. Just make sure that when it's all said and done, you can look back and not be filled with regret. Good luck.

[kellbell]

Wow,

 

I don't think I have ever seen such a post here before. Yikes!! To Sibling, well what can I say, I believe in karma. The world runs in circles and you will get hurt when you intentionally hurt others. I can see how it hurts when someone breaks-up with you but what would you rather have, a man who can be honest and admit his fears and allow you to be with someone who is more sure about committment or even marriage OR would you rather have a man who just stuck around with you, stayed with you out of pity and guilt, gave you false hopes about the future and basically wasted your time, time you can never get back???

I am shocked your girlfriends don't think what you are doing is not wrong. Believe me, your ex will find out, you mentioned you two have mutual friends. The truth always comes out. Like the others posted, I think you should talk to your ex, tell him you were crushed he broke up with you for the reasons he did and because of it, you are a changed woman, thereforeeee, you don't foresee a reconcilliation. Then that's it, then go about being Carrie from Sex and The City and feel your oats. I think what you are doing is downright cruel. I think everyone here has been as understanding as allowed considering this is a public and family forum and I think everyone here has given you great insight, advice, and somethings to think about. I hope things work out for the best for you and your ex. When someone keeps score, there is always going to be a loser, you are not a loser and neither is your ex. Take care and be well.

[sibling295]

I dont think you understand - I did tell my ex!!

He was hurt - but we have decided to keep working things out -

Its not easy though - i am still scared he will run again -

Also I mentioned that yeah , i did see other guys that weekend - but i am not now. Thats all done and over with .

 

I still say - had i not put my foot down and move on (act confident)- he would have never come back.....

thanks!

Sib

[TiredMan]

I dont think you understand - I did tell my ex!!

He was hurt - but we have decided to keep working things out -

Its not easy though - i am still scared he will run again -

Also I mentioned that yeah , i did see other guys that weekend - but i am not now. Thats all done and over with .

 

I still say - had i not put my foot down and move on (act confident)- he would have never come back.....

thanks!

Sib

 

But trust me when I tell, knowing you did that and the reasons for you doing it, will not pass. Him being scared was not done out of spite. What you did, was done out of spite. There is a huge difference. I hope you can see that.

 

i know what I am talking about. I am somewhat the same way when I think someone has hurt me, I get very spiteful. I have done it. So I know what it is. This is why I am being honest with you about it rather than beating around the bush. I don't think I have ever taken it as far as you did but I have said things or not spoken to them, etc. But you getting all defensive and attacking ME won't change your actions and possible reactions. You don't post your story in a public forum and then attack people for giving their honest opinions on it.

 

And no one is knocking you for moving on, but you DIDN"T. Moving on would have been to say I want other people and tell him that straight up so he could move on. What you did was date and sleep with others while keeping him in limbo. That is where the problem is. That is just cruel and what he did wasn't intentionally cruel. What you did WAS. Good luck!

[kellbell]

Well, Sibling, whatever the outcome will be, I hope everything works out for the best for you and your ex. Peace.

[sibling295]

well lets see - the past three days have been great with the ex-

we did have a bit of a scuffle the other day - i came out of the shower to him reading my diary! oh god - well anyways he already new everything. He still said last night in bed "I wish when we were broken up you could of just stayed home on the weekends and like read a book or something instead of going out and meeting guys" I pretty much just started laughing.... Which made him chuckle too.

In the past our relationship was pretty much me suffocating him. I feel excited to continue loving my life and considering him the cherry on the sundae.

Oh and i also expressed that i felt he never complimented me or was ever romantic - he also read this rant in my diary - its funny cause last night before sleep he said " i am very lucky to have such a beautiful girlfriend"

 

simple and sweet thats all i ever wanted from him. Maybe knowing other men found me attractive caused him to wake up. i dont know - whatever

 

there is one problem i foresee coming up. he has to leave town the next 3 weekends in a row till thanksgiving. And he knows i will be at home. I want him to trust that i wont be out meeting other guys - i am not sure what to do. One of my friends is having a party and i want to go. Right now the issue of me going out is tricky. He was really sooooo upset and jealous and insecure about these guys i met. Maybe just because its important for our relationship - because its so new again, i will just stay home . maybe i should read a book!! hahaha lol

 

I have been doing allot of thinking about the marriage thing also. I really want to get engaged but i know i cant press the issue. Maybe i will just keep going till like the new year or something. i dont know - i should just calm down! He told me married men die younger last night - we laughed about that - but today i found a website that says married men live longer than single men. I am laughing because i want to email it to him. I know he would take it as a joke - but maybe i shouldnt anyway.....oh well lol

 

He still is responding greatly to my new self confidence in this relationship - he has started calling me now during the day from work. I used to be the one calling him. I guess it shouldnt matter anyway- He loves me - i love him - we trust eachother - (well you know!) its just different now. Maybe because we broke up was actually a GOOD thing!! i am trying to find movies about breaking up then getting back together - thats what i should do these next few weekends. watch a movie.

Oh and the make up s8x is awesome!!! Dear GOD THANK YOU!!!!!

 

later,

sib

[TiredMan]

Can you really blame him for not trusting you when he goes? I think that would be perfectly acceptable seeing what you decided to do no?

[RayKay]

sibling -

 

I think him feeling insecure and not able to trust you was one of those things we were trying to tell you might happen if you were telling him one thing and doing another.

 

In his mind how would it be any different now if you were to tell him you loved him, then before when you said you did and were willing to work things out?

 

I hope things work out for you, but I have to say I think this is what people here were trying to tell you repeatedly. You are both going to have to put a lot of work into it to get things back on a healthy path.

 

You just got back together, I would NOT start pressing the marriage issue, and I will say that pressure very rarely works, and even rarely has the man willingly going ahead with it. You have to treat this almost like a new relationship and rebuild things, and pressuring marriage where there is trust issues and so forth is NOT a good idea.

[coooolsome]

Sibling

 

Trust is one of those huge things that do need to be regained after a breakup. You dont trust him and he doesnt trust you fully yet. About the going out thing.....talk to him about it. If you love him and want this to work, then maybe going out to a party isnt the best way to show him. However are there any girlfriends that you can hang out with? Im not saying that you shouldnt ever go out to parties when he isnt around but right now your relationship is on thin ice. It will take time to regain trust.

 

If he is uncomfortable with you going, tell him that wont and that he owes you one. That way he can gain some trust in you and he has to do the same for you eventually.