Losing interest

[teacup]

i lost some interest in the guy im seeing. it's been 4 times and right now im feeling pretty eh about it. tonight, i stopped by his apartment to pick him up (his license got taken away for drunk driving.) and well, i just dont like the fact that i have to drive. i think men should drive.

 

okay, we went to dinner. but i told him i already ate, so he wanted to get something to eat. well, at dinner, with the menu, he ordered something but didnt really offer or ask me to order anything. and i sat and watched him eat.....and he didnt offer to share or anything. then i said, i think i'll order something, im bored watching you eat. and he tried to discourage me from ordering, said he would just share with me.....and i REALLY did not like that. i thought he was so cheap. but i was like watever and ordered what i wanted anyways. then i pulled out 6 dollars and put it on the table and said, that's to cover my share. cuz i figured, if he's going to be that way, fine, here you go (and what i ordered only cost 5.75). and he took it and put it in his wallet without any real complaints. didnt try to give it back to me or anything.

 

well, i hate it when guys are cheap with me. i mean, if they can be generous with themselves and he buys himself all sorts of random lame toys, then dont be cheap with me. dont try to discourage me from ordering. dont be inconsiderate and not offer me anything when im sitting accross from you.

 

so the rest of the night was okay, except that was a major turn off. so i lost interest.

 

i mean i am a kind, considerate, thoughtful, generous person. i would never do that. ugh. cheapness bugs the hell out of me. im used to going into restaurants and ordering very nice things. ugh, what's your point of view on cheapness? i was pretty pissed off too. i kind of kept it inside the rest of the night. came home and had to let it out.

[antigravity]

To be completely honest, it sounds like your being very shallow for being upset that he doesn't lavish you with gifts and expensive restaurants.

 

You said you weren't hungry... So he didn't offer you any food. Ok, maybe he could have offered, or asked you a second time but YOU said you weren't hungry..

 

It sounds like your testing him more than being honest with him. That isn't fair.

 

That said, if your not happy with him, don't spend time with him. You've only been on 4 dates.

[teacup]

he's alright in some aspects though i am having second thoughts. it is not that i expect expensive stuff all the time, but if i say i want to order something, i want to.

 

i expect consideration and thoughtfulness. i dont like it when men make me think about the issues of money already. i think he should be a gentleman at this point. wouldn't a gentleman say, order whatever you want?

 

this was our second time at a restaurant. i did not say i expect expensive, but if a guy likes me, i expect him to be generous. it doesnt mean i will take advantage of it, but i notice whether he offers or not.

 

i pay attention to his actions. whether he opens doors for me etc.

 

of course i am going to test him, and he blew it. if really early on he is like this...and really early is usually when ppl are on their best behavior, what is he going to be like later on?

 

i hate cheap ppl. im not cheap (i have given ppl very very nice gifts) and i cant deal with ppl who are. they are a pain in the ass.

[BillyJean714]

Teacup, I REALLY hate cheap people as well! If you sense that this person is cheap, just stay AWAY from that person. I REALLY HATE and CANNOT stand people who are stingy! Be glad that you found out about this now, because it won't get any better. I remember reading about a quote on cheapness somewhere, forgot where, but anyhow, to rephrase it, "when someone is cheap, chances are, they are also cheap with their love." Cheap people tend to be very selfish. If they're selfish with people, chances are, they'll be selfish with you too!

 

Don't know if you ever watched the movie "The Joy Luck Club." Anyhow, everytime I encounter someone who is cheap, I always think of that nerdyass guy "Harold" (Lina's husband) from that movie. I always think of the scene where he goes, "Lina, why didn't you get the generic brand of cat food, instead?" The guy BUGS the crap out of me! Next time you meet a cheap person, just think of "Harold" in his tighty whities and thick glasses. Eww..yuk! You really have to watch that movie in order to know what I'm talking about. The guy was cheaper than HELL and believe it or not, there are people who are actually like that in Real Life. I bet you, Amy Tan probably knew someone as cheap as him, too.

 

All I have to say is move on. You'll find better!

[antigravity]

And who said women aren't superficial!

 

Geez... I could just as easily say that she could be CHEAP for not wanting to buy her own food.

 

I'm not cheap one bit, in fact the complete opposite... But one thing annoys me more than anything is women expecting men to do everything for them and pay everything for them.

[NotMyself]

eeks!

 

Sorry, but I am a gentleman and would never, ever let a woman pay during the initial dating phase. Generally for me, this means that I won't let her pay for months, until we are in a serious relationship and both comfortable with eachother. The only exception is when my date absolutely insists after my repeated attempts to not accept.

 

The guy isn't some high school kid with no job. He is 36 for crying out loud!! If he has to take your six dollars, he shouldn't be out on a date to begin with. That is really too cheap. This was only the fourth date?? Either he is super cheap or he just doesn't give a damn. In any case, reconsider this relationship and think if you really want to be with someone like this for the long term.

 

What happens later? You both split the utility bills when you are married?

 

Good luck.

[teacup]

billiejean - i've already started to notice that he's pretty selfish. (he's mentioned that he's a selfish person too). it's a turnoff.

 

i dont know what to do. i want someone who is more generous to me.

 

antigravity - you've got it all wrong. it's not the thing itself, it's the thought that counts. and his thoughts show that he's cheap by not offering and by not offering to share. he certainly wasnt considering me and that's not cool.

 

i told him to plan a date and he said "mabe bookstore, then the movies". well i did ask him if he wanted to go to the bookstore before. but because he didnt mention dinner, i wonder if it's because he doesnt want to pay.

 

i dont know what to do now.......this is real early and already i am disliking his attitude about money in regards to me. hey, he seems to be generous enough with himself.

[antigravity]

Yeah I understand.. He shouldn't take your 6 dollars, he should at least shrug it off and say something like "you can pay for coffee" or something like that...

 

I guess it just ticks me off when women expect the guy to pay for everything. It's good if he offers, or better if he just pays without saying anything, but you shouldn't get really ticked off about it.

[teacup]

i feel very annoyed. and a little pissed off.

 

mabe i should tell him i dont want to see him anymore.... i like him but this really sucks. i want someone who wont be counting their money in front of me. someone who is going to be generous to me because they like me so are willing to offer a little more because they like me.

 

like if i was eating and the guy i was with had already eaten, i would at least ask him if he would want to order dessert or something small. this is what i do with other people when we go out. and it's always been very cool.

 

another thing, i was worried that he just wanted sex. but now im starting to think he actually likes me. we saw each other sunday, then tuesday (today), then we have plans for saturday. does that sound reasonable? im such a newbie to dating.

 

another thing. what are the rules of paying for white culture? i am asian. in our culture, guys pay for everything and are expected to offer. it is expected, ALL asian guys know this. and would be looked down on if they didn't. it is considered good manners and having correct social protocol. both young and old generation know this.

 

did i mention, he is 36 and working and was complaining about his stock options to me? and i am in my twenties and still in school??

 

sometimes i ask myself what a young girl like me is doing with a old guy like him. well besides being attracted to him and all. but still, mabe i should stick to guys that im attracted to who are my own age.

[shoong]

... but I'm afraid you come accross as very shallow & superficial.

 

There is no excuse for being chaep but you sound l;ike you just enjoy free rides, this is the 21st century my dear!

 

good luck!

[teacup]

that's the kind of answer that's just plain annoying. it's judgemental and you dont even have a clear basis for your answer. do me a favor and dont reply.

 

if i were in it for money, i would never look at this guy twice. in my area, there are guys whos mommies and daddies have deep pockets, and who themselves are investment bankers and doing very well for themselves. if it were about money, i wouldn't even look at him because face it, i know tons of people who are way better off.

 

NEXT! someone who actually has some rational to their answer.

[thenextjamesbond]

Teacup, the only rational answer is that you have just 'lost interest' - as you've already said yourself. I think you know this.

 

If you're getting annoyed at him about stuff, then I reckon you're simply fed up with him and his company.

 

I absolutely agree though, you have to do a whole bunch of testing when it's early days. It would be very foolish to go head-on into something without establishing that your new-found boy or girlfriend doesn't match up with what you want. Imagine 6 months down the line and suddenly they chop your head off because you hadn't realised they're an axe murderer?

 

So, if it's worth anything - if I were you, this is what I'd do...

 

...find someone else.

 

Or...

 

...forgive the poor lad for his inexperience and try to train him. He'd definitely appreciate it a few years down the line!

 

P.S. If you do happen to choose someone else, dont forget be cautious and test them - before you go head-over-heals in love - not after!

 

Hope this helps?

[novaseeker]

another thing. what are the rules of paying for white culture? i am asian. in our culture, guys pay for everything and are expected to offer. it is expected, ALL asian guys know this. and would be looked down on if they didn't. it is considered good manners and having correct social protocol. both young and old generation know this.

 

It's in a bit of an ambiguous place now. It depends on age group. For a while ther, during the height of feminism, it was considered rather passe for men to be picking up the entire cost of a date ... some women saw that as demeaning to their own purchasing power, or as perpetuating the 'patriarchal image' of the knight rescuing the damsel. Older folks (mostly late 30s and older) will sometimes still follow these modes of dating etiquette because it was what they did when they were younger. My understanding is that the younger generation has reverted to the pre-1970s model of the guy paying for everything, more as an indication that the guy is interested in the girl than anything else (even if the girl makes more money than the guy). I think the whole situation is just dumb (why does it matter who is paying??), but then again I'm 37 and grew up with powerful women who had somewhat different expectations in terms of dating etiquette.

[Markers]

that's the kind of answer that's just plain annoying. it's judgemental and you dont even have a clear basis for your answer. do me a favor and dont reply.

 

...

 

NEXT! someone who actually has some rational to their answer.

 

 

I'm sorry, with that tone you probably don't get many replies to your next thread. You know, people are probably trying to help here. You started the judgementaly yourself by judging your date for not paying.

 

 

 

I think he should have offered to pay after you said you want to order. But just sitting there and waiting for him to offer after you had said you don't want anything.. that wasn't too clever either. Nobody can read your mind.

 

If it's something you can't get over, fine, get rid of him. You probably do better with someone else who you don't feel that negatively about. If I was you, I'd give him another chance if he was otherwise a good guy.

 

 

Is it a problem that you had to drive, just because "it's men's job to do it"? Too often when guys are joking around about how bad women are to drive and they shouldn't be let to drive, the little feminists start flaming guys for sexual racism and whatever.. same with women being firefighters, traditionally "men's job" but you can't even call firefighters "firemen" because it's not equal lol. And the same in anything, women want the same jobs etc. than guys, but they also want that guys pay all for them. Based on what? Because it's "manly"? I thought women wanted to get rid of that concept and move to equality.

 

Sorry about generalization, not all women thinks that of course, but seems like many do.

 

 

Personally I don't have a problem paying it all on dates, but it's annoying how some people thinks everything will be given them for free. Isn't it just a big bonus if he pays for you without you saying anything? If he pays only after you tell him to, how good is that? not very good I think.

 

Get rid of him if you don't like what he did.

[SLMitchell918]

The #1 relationship break up issue is over money. I was married to a guy that sounds a lot like your current guy. After we got married the money seemed to always be an issue for our marriage. He would buy himself expensive guitars and whatnot, I never really said anything. I figured it was what he wanted. But when it came down to me buying something it became a big deal just because he was so cheap. After awhile , he asked for us to get separate checking accounts. I didn't make half of what he made and after paying my half of the bills i never had much money left over. I lost my job and he expected me to continue paying those bills. So i ended up putting what I could on a credit card until I could find a job. After i found a job, he found out about the credit card and ended up wanting a divorce because of that. It was totally unfair and wrong when he had a credit card that had all his "toys" on it and mine was going to bills and food. My point is, this is a new relationship and it is already showing warning signs of failure because of the money issue. IF a guy asked you out to dinner, then he should pay. Thats just typically how it goes unless you feel otherwise. It wasn't like you run up a 20 dollar bill. I would say leave him because in the long run, its only going to cause bigger problems.

[RayKay]

You know, I get impression you feel you need SOMEONE so much, that you are willing to just settle for almost anyone.

 

Seriously, if you are not interested in him, you are not interested him. You even said on the FIRST date you did not think much of him, yet then contacted him to try and get more dates...why?

 

Why FORCE something that is not there? Why create a relationship out of nothingness when you have no interest, and see this much "wrong" with him (regardless of whether its wrong or not, all that matters is what you feel at this point).

 

Sheesh, the whole idea of dating is to see if there is anything more worth continuing a relationship with, you found out there was not much on the 1st date, and on the 4th date...so END it. There is no commitment to continue on.

[BillyJean714]

Antigravity, are you serious? Wow. I personally wouldn't want to date a guy who has that kind of mentality, not especially if we're just in the 'casual dating' phase. Teacup, you're NOT being superficial. In fact, I prefer a guy who's a gentleman, and a gentleman means that he's willing to show us that he doesn't mind doing small romantic things for us. Casual dating is just a pre-requisite for exclusive dating; exclusive dating is a pre-req for engagement/marriage. If any of the experiences in the previous stages are messed up, chances are, the relaitonship won't last..

 

If you're already losing interest, you'll continue to lose interest, because when something turns you off, it just won't be the same anymore. Last thing, a person who's cheap is a MAJOR turnoff. And, who says that women don't pay for at least a portion of the first dates? We pay for small things like coffee or drinks, too, you know.

[Day_Walker]

If you really feel that way about his behavior then dont continue to go out with him. Otherwise your rant is pointless, clearly you have a problem with this.

[Rainz]

Teacup I can see if you're not used to that kind of behaviour it would be off putting. I don't think your being superficial or shallow. Like you I can't work with cheapness and stingyness either. It's very off putting to be socialising, casual dating with someone and they're constantly just counting their pennies and being frugal.

If that's not how you are, then that's not how you are, it's clealry an incompatibility issue so just realise it and stop seeing this guy.

[kellbell]

Hi teacup,

 

I have been following your story since day one and I'd say forget it, this guy is not for you. He may come accross as cheap and such but in any case, you guys are not at all compatible. It was somewhat clear from the beginning and now it's crystal clear. Forget about him, go out with someone whom you feel at ease with, don't think who is after you only for sex, and someone who has a drivers' license. Good luck and take care.

[Dako]

It seems like you just don't like the guy and are trying to keep score to prove you're right.

 

I once took a lady out for dinner and put $400 in my wallet with the intention of spending it all. All evening she wasn't hungry, was tired, had to get up early. Fine... she just didn't like me.

The next day her sister told me her main complaint was what a tightwad I am. Go figure.

 

Where is this rule that men are supposed to drive the car? What ever happened to equality?

[kellbell]

"It seems like you just don't like the guy and are trying to keep score to prove you're right."

 

I am afraid to say but I have to agree with this statement. Teacup, forget it girl, he isn't right for you. Move on.

[annie24]

I still say that the fact that he has an alcohol problem is the main reason not to date him.

 

But, I must say, you told him that you weren't hungry, so naturally, he's not going to force you to eat, or even offer to get you something. He was probably thinking, "if she's hungry, she'll say something."

 

I like what RayKay said - why force something that isn't there?

[teacup]

i like him. if i didnt, i wouldnt try so hard to make it work.

 

BUT, i cant ignore these things either. he's way older. much more experienced. he's certainly not going anywhere in life. (besides being able to make a living for himself). drinks too much. takes dating and sex way more casually than i think of it. isnt a good judge of character. stuck in the oldies. has hobbies that are different than the twenties set crowd. wears boring clothes. is kind of nerdy. sometimes i think he's kind of feminine. (not overtly otherwise i would be totally grossed out). and now, i think he's cheap when it comes to ME. and it makes me wonder if he's genuinely interested or not. but he seems to be wanting to spend more time with me.

 

the things i like about him, im physically attracted to him, i think he has pretty blue eyes, i have a good time with him, i feel like i can talk to him openly like mabe i can even mention to him that he's cheap, well, now he doesnt drink around me cuz he knows it bugs me (i dont care if he drinks because he has to fix his own problems but i dont want to see it), i think he's intelligent (though im probably smarter), we connect mentally i think, i kind of wanted to sleep with him (though ive lost some interest now). i feel warmth and affection from him (i like that). i think he tries to be a good guy (though there is some cognitive dissonance there). i like his cats, they are so cute. and i like the way he decorate his apartment (i think it shows character, personality and interests). he knows who he is.

 

yesterday was the first day i felt a loss of interest. before that i really liked him. i was so excited to see him yesterday. i brought him a copy of a book he wanted to read. i was very turned on by him the previous time i saw him which was only two days ago. we had a nice time cuddling on the couch. but man.......the cheap thing killed it.

 

it's a huge thing with me. i grew up where my family was very generous to me. i've experienced the warmth and comfort of generosity. i like it when guys pay to show they are interested and also because they think im WORTH it.

 

man, i was pissed off and so annoyed. i had a roommate in college who noticed and counted the squares of toilet paper i used. and she was very wealthy and very well-off. that really made me mad. i cant deal with cheap people. i just cant.

 

part of it is i go regularly to nice places and i spend money there on myself. i like to think that i can go out and show him these nice places and we can spend some time there together. (these are places i go to myself) but if he's going to be counting his pennies while i want to have a good time, then it will really tick me off because we cant do a lot of things except free things. like i want to go to the museum (7 bucks), ice skating (10 bucks), but it is making ME really conscious of money already and that is not how i like to live.

 

if he's going to cheap, i do not feel like showing him or taking him places that i go to. for example, i go to cheesecake factory, i love that place. but if he's going to be like that, i would rather go with someone who can appreciate and enjoy it and loosen up about it.

 

should i talk to him about this? im glad im not seeing him for a few days because im so annoyed. i dont know if i want to try anymore. these things should come naturally or not at all.

 

seriously, should i talk to him about this? or should i just forget the whole thing and let him wonder what happened? we WERE getting along fine. actually, i thought we got along very well until this happened.

 

sigh. i feel kind of sad.

 

also, i was in an abusive relationship where I paid for EVERYTHING for years and years. i paid for HIM and ME. he pressured me to loan him money, and i would lend him hundreds. i spent so much on him. and after that i vowed never to get in that kind of situation again financially.

 

and that joy luck thing, about the man who splits him and his wife's bills down to the last penny. i remember that.

 

so i am very allergic to this sort of crap.

[annie24]

Don't you think that this is an awful lot of drama for a guy that you've only been of 4 dates with? I mean, with all these red flags, why not walk away? People are on their "best behavior" in the beginning of a relationship, and if this is his best behavior....

 

Remember: Accept people for who they are, not who you want them to be. If he's a cheap, alcoholic, older man with a messed up life, then accept him or don't, but don't bother trying to change him and make him act the way that YOU want him to act.