Losing interest

[teacup]

i know. but i dont know how much im willing to put up with. or how much im willing to accept or tolerate. im a total newbie to dating.

 

but this is getting very close to a deal breaker. tie breaker.

 

i think at this point, i can still walk away without feeling bad. it's too bad because i do like him.

 

i think im still testing my own limits and boundaries, how much will i accept and how much wont i?

 

i also dont know how much of these issues that are coming up are directly related to him, and which ones are my issues that are being triggered from the new experience of dating and from coming out of abusive relationship. i want to experience a normal relationship and see what it feels like. but im taking a lot of time to evaluate and reflect and to talk about everything that's concerning me.

 

i think when it gets to a clear tie breaker i will know...

 

i think he's a very nice guy. why the hell does he have all these problems?

[annie24]

what is it that you want? That you really want? A loving, caring, sober husband with a stable job, or a guy who's life is in shambles and drinks too much? Is this the guy that you're willing to settle for?

 

Look - the first few dates are for getting to know a person and figuring out if you still want to hang out with them. It's ok if you don't like him, or you aren't sure. Don't you think that having this many misgivings about a person is too soon at this stage in the game?

[teacup]

but i dont want to marry him. i dont know what i want now. wahhhhhhhh!!

 

well, i think i want a stable, caring, loving relationship for a few years (mabe not this long). something committed and not casual but very warm and affectionate. but not very serious leading to marriage, because im not ready for marriage and dont want to get married (and certainly not to him). but also something clean and healthy. someone that will lift me up. not bring me down. someone i can learn from, share things with, trust.

 

as i type this, i am starting to miss him. i miss the way he looks, the way he is, despite all his problems. i guess i let out all the anger and annoyance i had with him on this board. i dont know why of all the guys that i can be attracted to, i like this one. why oh why? why does the mind not listen to the heart?

 

wow...im going through so many changes within myself at this stage.

 

btw, what does keeping score mean?

[teacup]

okay......i have a question. did i already give him enough of a warning?

 

i remember in the car just after the incident happened. i asked him if he had financial problems. and he said no.

 

then a little while later, mabe 20-30 mins. i asked him "are you a gentleman?" and he said "sometimes i am and sometimes im not because some women dont like it blah blah blah"

 

and i responded by saying " i always pay attention to if a guy is a gentleman and if he's not, i never call him again or if he calls i never pick up again."

 

was that fair warning on that day? because i was hinting that i wouldnt put up with crap. and the truth is, i would rather rip out my own heart and let it beat then let a man step on me or mistreat me. or even treat me in a manner i wont accept.

 

or should i bring it up again next time i see him?

[RayKay]

Um....4 dates into a relationship you should NOT be having that many problems with the person or that much drama. Seriously, what matters in a relationship - him and his character, personality and the way he treats you, or his cats or the way he decorates his apartment? From what you said, you really don't LIKE him. 4 dates into it you should be jumping for joy at the idea of him, getting butterflies, looking forward to knowing more about him...you should not be weighing so many negatives (big ones might I add) against so few (shallow) positives.

 

 

WALK AWAY.

 

If you get more involved with this person, whom you don't even LIKE, whom is an alchoholic, you have NO ONE else but yourself to blame at this point.

 

The whole point in dating is to meet someone a few times and determine if there is more there to go further. A first date is NOT a committed relationship.

 

 

Why MAKE something work that is NOT meant to be at all...you should not have to "force" something to work.

[Dako]

Teacup,

 

If you're listing his pros and cons down to if he drives on a date or pays six bucks for you, I'd definitely say that's keeping score.

 

Your description of the guy really grates on me, probably because I'm a recently single "older guy with old clothes and boring interests who counts his pennies, etc."

[teacup]

i dont see why that should bother you because i like him and i dont care really care what clothes he wears (as long as their clean and fresh) and if his boring interests are what he's really into (that's fine). i knew these things from the beginning, i wouldnt have gone out with him if it was such a big deal to me.

 

but what i am looking at is how he TREATS me. and so far parts of it are good but parts of it are not. im young and i have a lot going for me, why do i have to settle for someone who is going to pinch pennies in front of me and not treat me well??

 

you have to realize there are a lot of men in this world that you are competing against. if you men dont shape up, we girls dont have to settle for someone who is not going to be nice to us, who is not going to treat us well, and who is going to be counting every cent.

 

you know why? because we can easily find someone who does give us everything we want and who does treat us right and who is generous. i have gone out with guys who make less than this dude who have gotten me whatever i wanted (they OFFERED and kept OFFERING) and it made me feel valued.

 

so that is something you have to recognize. how can you expect girls to excuse your faults when they can find someone who doesnt have these faults? it's either shape up, or ship out.

 

i have guys calling me, emailing me right away, offering to take me out, paying for me, WHY oh WHY do i need to settle for someone who doesnt? i expect a higher standard of treatment because i can get it and if he wants to keep me he needs to do it too.

 

and i am very close to the breaking point of tolerating anything more from him. i think i've already tolerated quite a bit. i sit here and wonder about the other guys and thinking why am i putting up with this.

 

that is reality. if there is a response to why any woman should accept subpart treatment when she can be treated really well....explain it?

[Juha]

Teacup please do not take this the wrong way...You sound like a very nice person and I do not know how old you are...

 

You sound like "Daddy's Princess" I understand everybody wants to be treated well but it is not just about spending money on you....

 

Doing things together and having fun, having the other person respect you and treat you right is more important than how much they spend on you....

[teacup]

yes. i know that. i pay attention to that. but if he's being so cheap the second time we've gone out to dinner. i hate to think what's coming next.

 

no flowers, no romantic gestures, no presents, no dinner. just cheap trips to his apartment. wow great, LOL, i went through this for 6 years before.

let me tell you, i was in an abusive relationship for 6 years where the guy did NOTHING for me. i did not even get anything for those whole 6 years. NOTHING. in fact, i paid for HIM and ME everytime we went out. BARF.

 

i cannot accept cheap treatment or just suck it up anymore. F*&* that.

 

im a lady and i deserve better. and you know what? some guy out there will give me what i want without me having to ask for it. i dont see why any woman should have to settle for less than they deserve.

[antigravity]

I'm sorry but that last post of yours makes me absolutely furious. You've got your mind set that because your a "lady" you should be spoilt. How wrong you are.. Your just finding an excuse to be treated like a princess, and the reason your supporting your opinion with is garbage.

 

No you shouldn't have what you want, just because your a female. You should enjoy spending your time with someone. It seems your judging a man's worth by how much money they're willing to spend on you. Why not consider about other, more important things like, whether he's caring, trusting, honest, loyal, loving, sweet....

 

As a man who values women's rights and sexual equality in all areas of life, your thought process is just as insulting than that of a chauvinast pig. Just because your female, doesn't mean you can expect things that men wouldn't. Do you think a man goes out on a date, and expects the woman to pay for everything? Not at all. Why should you? Because its an old custom from yesteryear?

 

Stop judging people on such petty things as how much money he spends on you. If that's all you worry about when meeting someone, then you've got a lot of growing up to do.

 

Sorry for being so blunt, but like I said, your post really insulted me. I hope I never date a woman as shallow as you.

[teacup]

alright. think whatever you like. enjoy.

 

but i seek better answers.

[antigravity]

alright. think whatever you like. enjoy.

 

but i seek better answers.

 

 

No... you seek what you want to hear...

[teacup]

to be truthful, i dont think you have much experience dating.

 

how can i take dating advice from someone who hasnt dated much??

 

yes. it does concern me that he was being cheap about 5.75. yes that really bothers me.

 

you might disagree but i would like to think i am worth a guy shelling out 5.75. and if he's going to be like that, then yes i really wonder about him.

 

and it isnt about the total amount either but his willingness to spend in the first place.

[antigravity]

to be truthful, i dont think you have much experience dating.

 

how can i take dating advice from someone who hasnt dated much??

 

yes. it does concern me that he was being cheap about 5.75. yes that really bothers me.

 

you might disagree but i would like to think i am worth a guy shelling out 5.75. and if he's going to be like that, then yes i really wonder about him.

 

Your problem isn't dating.. Your problem is you place importance on the wrong aspects of people. And how dare you go out and expect the man to pay everything for you?

 

Yes it's a sweet gesture to pay for the woman, but to expect it? Cmon. And when you don't get it, you don't like him because he doesn't spend all his money on you?

 

Why don't you spend money on him? Can you answer that?

[antigravity]

But at the end of the day... if something like that turns you off him... why don't you stop seeing him?

 

I don't get it.. It's not like your an attached couple or anything like that.

 

You talk about him like you hate him.. But you still want to be with him for no reason?

 

Doesn't make sense.

[teacup]

have you even been reading my posts?

 

i do not hate him. obviously i like him very much but am concerned over this aspect of his behavior.

 

seriously, have you read what i wrote because i dont believe i was portraying what you are saying.

 

in that case, it's your poor misinterpretation and that's not my problem.

 

yes, if he bought me something very nice, i would buy him something very nice.

[antigravity]

Why does he have to buy you something first?

 

And no you've also said that he's kinda nerdy, he's old, he's not overly attractive and he doesn't have any prospects. So yes I have read your posts.

 

The reason you haven't bought him dinner, or bought him an expensive gift is JUST as valid a reason for him. It shouldn't matter that he's a male.

 

Maybe he wants to get to know you more before he starts lavishing you with gifts and paying everything for you. For all he knows, you could walk away and he'd lose all his money. That's not what I do, but it's a valid and completely understandable reason.

 

Time to grow up missy.

[teacup]

[kellbell]

It's not a matter of hating him or not, it's a matter of compatibility. You 2 are obviously NOT compatible!!! You 2 have VERY different dating standards. You want the royal treatment and he's pretty laid back and content with hanging out at his place. Please, girl, give it up. Why put yourself and him through all this unnecassary drama? Move on to someone else who has money, has a driver's license, doesn't have a drinking problem and is able to spoil and shower you with gifts. Take care.

[Dako]

teacup,

 

Please consider this as just another point of view. I just want you to know all women aren't the same.

 

I just ended a 27 year relationship with a wonderful woman.

We were both flat broke when we met. A date was a weekend of camping in the desert on my motorcycle. A fancy meal was sharing a bean burrito and a can of beer. We ate just rice and beans so we could buy our first house with a 14.5% interest loan on top of a borrowed down payment.

Being cheap was the only way to go, and she never whined about it.

 

We spent years traveling the country, filling our house with antiques when they weren't trendy, bought four houses and could always afford to do as we pleased. We both changed careers often without concern with income, so our jobs were always interesting. We had rental property, attended university night school, took up sailing. She eventually attained a 200 ton merchant marine captain's license. She now pilots huge passenger vessels. Her new life was the catalyst for our split.

 

My point is that this fine woman who wears no makeup, hates shopping and loves to stick her fingers up a horses nose was perfectly fine with pinching pennies to achieve her goals. She also taught economics in a university here for many years and made a handy income playing the stock market.

 

Okay, If you've logged through this babble, here's my point.

Find someone you're compatible with. There's someone out there for everyone. Even for old boring tightwads like me.

 

Personally, I feel uncomfortable receiving gifts.

[teacup]

she sounds rather butch.

[annie24]

she sounds rather butch.

 

I'm not sure what that has anything to do with anything. I think his point was that he found someone that he really felt that he was a good match with, and was quite happy while it lasted. I'm sorry that things went downhill.

 

Basically, find someone that you're compatible with and happy with. Don't waste time with a guy that doesn't delight you.

[teacup]

he mentioned all women arent the same. and he's right.

 

but the example he used of a wonderful woman who didnt care about money didnt exactly get through to me because based on description all i could think of was a short, fat, muscular butch woman. and that's more masculine than feminine.

 

and yes this sucks. this is the first time i have ever been treated this way by any man (besides abuser). so i am rather shocked.

[annie24]

I wouldn't make that connection - that "butch women" don't care about money but "girly-girls do."

 

He's basically saying that in the early stages of their courtship, they had tons of fun, even though they didn't have money.

 

Being mad at a guy who's not paying for you is rather silly I think. It's like if I want to date a soccer player, and then I meet a man who is not athletic at all, I can't be mad at him because he's not a soccer player. I just have to accept that he's not athletic, and that I need to go out and meet a man who is.

 

If you want a guy that's into wining and dining his women, that's fine. That's your own personal preference, nothing wrong with that. But, you can't force this guy to start shelling out money on you. You just have to accept that he's not the "wining and dining" type of man. So go find someone who is.

[Dako]

Actually shes a tall well-built natural blonde with long hair, blue eyes and a sweet voice. Not that it matters to you, dear. Your stereotypes are all you need.