My boyfriend is racist

[Sez]

Argh, my new boyfriend turns out to have these crazy racist views which I am having problems dealing with. Would this be a deal-breaker for anyone - it nearly is for me? I know he wouldn't abuse anyone, verbally or physically, but he told me he believes that some races are superior to others, even though he 'hates to be right' on this, it is just a fact. I told him that I completely disagreed, that many of my friends are Jewish (in his opinion the worst race). He said he would still be nice to them when he met them, because there are exceptions, but as a rule he doesn't like Jewish people.

 

Despite arguing over this, I would still like to keep the relationship going. Am I being blind/stupid/cowardly, or is this issue too important to ignore?

[DN]

I could not under any circumstances love or be with someone who is a racist.

[PersonalMe]

hey, well i personally think race is an important issue, im not racist and i hate racism, but we should also think that free speach is also very important, i PERSONALLY think your bf's views are "wrong", but in this world, who knows whats wrong and right anymore. I think that as long as he doesnt HURT ANYONE physically or emotionally, it should be fine for him to have his personal view on this subject, as should a person who is TOTALLY againts racisim, we all have different views and its ok, but like i said and it is VERY important: for him not to cross the line between thinking something and actually DOING or SAYING something about it. so just be careful about that.

 

If you can, try to see where he gets these ideas from...why does he think jews are "lower class" or whatever? is it a personal thing? did a jew do somehting to him? or is it just "in general"? because also make him see that EVEYRONE in this world is different, just because a person with green eyes stole someones wallet, DOES NOT mean that EVERY SINGLE person with green eyes, steal wallets...get my point? hope i helped bye!

[darkblue]

Is he completely narrow-minded about the subject?

 

I don't think I could date someone that held racist views.

Especially ones with such a Nazism view.

[habitual_loser]

Ditch him. If he's too blind to see the outstanding individuals of all races everywhere he looks, he's going to be broken in a lot of other ways.

 

It could also be that he's just in a place where racism is the norm and there is really only one racial group around (Say, Montana). In that case, if he's the critical thinking sort he'll probably grow out of his preconceptions after he's finally exposed to a more diverse setting and starts making friends with people who have different skintones.

 

Ask him to quanitfy 'superior.' I think you'll be disguisted with the answer, either because it's something you can readily observe to be false, or because he doesn't know what he means by that.

 

This would be a dealbreaker.

[darkblue]

I think:

If you can't get through to him.

He brings the issue up repeatedly.

It gets to you.

He disrespects your opinion.

And/or you don't like the values he holds and it upsets you to the point were you don't want to be in the relationship.

 

Get Out.

[Jinx]

I'd say it could be considered a red flag for the long term factor.

 

It depends how he expresses his racism. I don't care for those that are racist but some can be handled easier than others I've learned in life, its a matter of the level he is hanging on.

 

I see the major problem here being in my experience (except for me, my family is extremely racist) that if you only co exist with your own race there isn't much problem, yet you said you have Jewish individuals as friends. He may be mild mannered now but it'll most likely get worse. You'll always have to deal with the fact he may be nice to them at face but he will always think low of them. Once you're closer and more attached he may eventually express the fact he doesn't like you around them and should meet "better people".

 

He already has it ground in his head, he is superior and that is that no two ways. He will most likely never change his mind and think of them as equals. You will have to deal with the fact he will complain and possibly try to pursuade you with his ideals and you'll be left unhappy unless you adapt to him. I've found a majority of racist individuals start sweet and end bitterly sour. They hate their ideas being challenged, and they're the only ones that can be 'sadly correct, an obvious part of life' on their opinions. Like you've said your bf has already shown part of this fact by stating he 'hates to be right' on his idea.

 

For me it would be a deal breaker. Friendship or Relationship. I live my life as I do now because of a majority family's insane extreme ideals of racism and everything else and I just couldn't co exist. It truly depends how much you love him, how much you'd change for him, and how much tolerace you have. If you don't have the love attachment, if you wouldn't change for his ideal pushing, and you have little tolerance for his beliefs I don't believe it would be worth pursuing further.

[metallicachica247]

i have no clue why anyone would date someone who is racist, sexist, or biast in anyway. Its disgusting to me. i am caucasion, the person who used to babysit me who now lives with us is black, and my brother is biracial. so is my ex boyfriend. i hate that the 'n word' is used commonly as a joke. its not funny. nor is the fact that people are gay. kids and teens especially are really dumb when it comes to these issures and i dont think that you should go out with him if this is effecting you.

[Hope75]

This would definitely be a deal breaker for me too. I could not tolorate that type of ignorance.

 

It has to be up to you, but if he's bashing Jewish people as a whole and you have Jewish friends I can't see this being healthy for you. Him "acting nice" because they are your friends isn't charitable, he's acting like a bull headed ignorant pig.

[redandblack]

Race does not exist. Maybe you should get him to take a college anthropology or sociology course. Either way, racism would be a deal-breaker for myself and everybody I know.

[armchairshrink]

I know he wouldn't abuse anyone, verbally or physically ... He said he would still be nice to them when he met them, because there are exceptions ...

Despite arguing over this, I would still like to keep the relationship going. Am I being blind/stupid/cowardly, or is this issue too important to ignore?

 

This would be a deal-breaker for me. Personally, I'm biased against bigots. While he might not "abuse" or make an issue of it now, this doesn't look good for the future.

 

And your friends: you stand a good chance of losing them. What if your boyfriend doesn't think they're "exceptions"? Most people don't monitor their mouths too closely, and it would be easy for him to let such a deeply held belief slip out in conversation, whether he intended to or not. Especially at parties, where alcohol can take the leash off anyone's tongue. This puts you into the uncomfortable position of trying to mollify the understandably outraged feelings of your friends (because he won't), while trying to justify to your boyfriend why you care about the feelings of the "inferior".

 

Sounds like a great party to me.

 

So, once they find out he's racist, and you elect to stay with him, they may avoid you to avoid him. They'll miss you, but no one with sense stands in line to get slammed.

 

Only you can decide if the issue is "too big to ignore" for yourself, and for this particular racist. It would be for me.

[pineapple_juice]

DN, sometimes you have to be with and love people who are racist. You cannot change someone by ignoring them. Only with loving persuasion can you lead them in the right way of thinking.

 

 

I could not under any circumstances love or be with someone who is a racist.

[TweaK]

haha thats rather funny ..get rid of him

[darkblue]

haha thats rather funny ..get rid of him

 

It's true that if this is unacceptable to you - you should ditch him.

But if there is a possibility that you could change his view; there's hope.

If he's worth it.

 

Also - if he's not very vocal about his racism - it may not be so much of an issue. (Though it is still an issue)

 

I am not, in any way, saying that racism is acceptable. The opposite.

But if he's worth it...

[armchairshrink]

You cannot change someone by ignoring them.

 

I am often told that you can't change someone at all -- a person must want to change him/herself in order for it to happen. True change comes from within, and all that.

 

As for the rest, DN was expressing a personal preference -- as are you. May both of you be fortunate enough to able to live the way you will.

[jna35]

A HUGE deal breaker for me!! That is one thing I would not be able to tolerate and just think if you married him, his views would be imparted to your children. If you ask me, freedom of speech is one thing, but thinking one human superior to another is a whole other ball game. As human beings, we all have equal value and people need to understand that.

[darkblue]

just think if you married him, his views would be imparted to your children.

 

My father was an Athiest, my mother was a Protestant.

 

I am Agnostic.

 

Need I say more?

[Hope75]

DN, sometimes you have to be with and love people who are racist. You cannot change someone by ignoring them. Only with loving persuasion can you lead them in the right way of thinking.

 

 

I could not under any circumstances love or be with someone who is a racist.

 

No one has to be with and love someone who is racist if they do not tolorate those views. You cannot change someone. They can only change themselves if they educate themselves.

[DN]

DN, sometimes you have to be with and love people who are racist. You cannot change someone by ignoring them. Only with loving persuasion can you lead them in the right way of thinking.

 

 

I could not under any circumstances love or be with someone who is a racist.

 

For me, there are some attitudes or behaviours that are deal-breakers. I could not love someone who is racist because that attitude or belief is part of who they are. That flaw in their character would mean that I could not love or respect them.

[BillyJean714]

Dump him. Your bf sounds like an ex of mine. For that very same reason, that is why I dumped him. As he claims, a certain race of people are stupid because "it's in their genetics," which justifies why society views them as inferiors. After he said that, I completely disagreed and lost ALL of my respect for him. I could NEVER see myself marrying a person like that! To make matters worse, this guy was a doctor who had clients of that very same ethnicity. I can only imagine how fake he is to them.

 

Don't marry or date a person like that. If a person's values/morals clashes with yours, it's best to go your own separate ways. I did. I couldn't ever possibly imagine myself having kids with someone who's stupid/racist like him. And, don't be surprised if he mistreats you down along the road. If he can condescend upon a certain race of people, don't be surprised that he will look down upon you too. A person with ill-will usually won't change no matter how much we educate them. My ex thought that just because he was older, that he knew more. Well, it doesn't take a genius to realize that IQ has nothing to do with race. We're all genetically the same- except for certain physical attributes/immunodeficiency disorders. Other than that, I don't know where the hell he came up with his backwards logic!

[Sez]

Thank you all for your replies. I think that this is not something I can tolerate in the long term, and I will have to end it. I will first bring it up with him again, in order to see if there is any possibility he might alter his views. If not - and I doubt he will - I will break up with him.

[darkblue]

Good.

[Hope75]

Let us know what happens!