Diary of the ex & getting back together.

[nataliejulie]

I've been posting here for awhile, since my break up. I decided I'll start a thread to make it easier for me or anyone else that cares! Ha! I've had tons of great advice, but now I'm actually IN THE STAGES of getting back together...

 

Maybe this will help other people in my situation, maybe this will give hope, maybe no one will read because this will be a doozy!

 

 

So basically what I gather from our conversations is that he needs to rebuild trust with me and feel comfortable with me considering that I've done so much damage to our relationship by taking advantage of him, anger issues and being just plain crazy. I brought him to his breaking point. Now, he's not a liar. He's not a player. I trust him with all my being. This makes everything 100 times better. For two months, he did not want to see me because he said he had a lot of thinking to do, knowing that I want to start fresh.

 

Since September 22nd, we have gone on five dates together. I have slept over every time. More and more we spend time together, the more comfortable everything is. We both agree that things are very awesome, very happy and very fun with us right now. We also both agreed that we will be taking things slow, seeing how it works out while I rebuild his trust in me.

 

So last night was a little rocky, intense night. Started off extremely well. We went to the movies, cuddled the whole time, laughed a lot, held hands. 9 out of 10 times you'd think we were a couple if you saw us. We even made future plans. I got really excited when we talked about taking his little brother to Six Flags for their Halloween theme. We even made a date together for Halloween. You'd believe I was on cloud nine at this point.

 

After the movie, we decided to get something to eat at this really small romantic restaurant in Manhattan, shared wine, food. Right before we went there, he started snapping at me for really stupid things, I didn't fight back and he even apologized for being in a nasty mood. Then crap hit the fan. He had this instant mood swing and started talking about how much he hates his life, how he doesn't care about anything at all, how he wants to die, really intense conversation. I don't know how it came to be -- shortly after I was tearing up in the middle of the restaurant. He smelled smoke on me. I quit smoking while I was with him and started smoking again when we broke off. He knows this, I told him. He told me he can't trust me because of all the things I've done in the past and now I'm smoking. ?! I told him the only reason I was sitting accross from him was because I wanted us to start slow, start fresh, start new and show him the woman I can be. I started blabbling off how I wanted to make him happy, how I much I loved him, blah blah blah... he looked like on the verge of tears. At this point, I was chugging my wine like water. Then he throws some crap at me saying, there's probably people better than me out there so why don't you be with them?! (he knows there's a particular man that's REALLY persuing me right now and it really gets him angry) I said, calmly, I will. He was pretty upset and obviously shocked that I said that. The whole way home dropping him off, we didn't speak. I told him I didn't want to fight with him. When I came to his door, he said.. "I'm not sure what happened tonight. I don't even know what we fought about. You take it how you want to take it." He was really, really depressed about what happened and apologized about his bad mood. Well, I gave in, we kissed and exchanged some "I don't want to lose you" words. I spent the night.

 

Before we "slept together" I told him that we have to make a committment to not be seeing anyone else. We agreed. Then I asked the question I promised myself I would never ask, "Have you slept with anyone? Have you kissed anyone?" boo. He said he "smooched" one girl, one time. No tongue, just a kiss and it meant nothing to him. This still got me pretty upset and we fought more about it. I have not seem him that mad in AWHILE. Though.. everything seemed to just pitter patter out and we cuddled the whole night, he woke up, got me breakfast and told me he wasn't mad at me.

 

I'm very nervous about last night. I'm such an idiot for asking him that question and of course I'd be upset about it.

He's very depressed and anxious right now. He has a bad anxiety problem. He just started school at the age of 26, he just moved out with his best friend who now he can't stand, and doesn't like the neighborhood, he has barely any friends now, he's working two jobs and is behind on his school work.

 

Well maybe things didn't get too bad. I shouldn't lose hope. We already made plans this morning to see each other again tonight. I made sure that we are going to a comedy club tonight, so we can laugh and he can have a good time, get his mind off of things.

 

I checked out the comedy sketch to see who was playing and what the show was about. Ironically, the show we are going to tonight is about ex's. This should be interesting.

[katie_emma]

Wow, thats an intense story..... I think you two just need to learn to let go of the past ! It's over and done with . You can't change your mistakes, all you can do is learn from them. You don't have the past anymore, but what you do have, is your future. Maybe a good talk is needed, making sure you make an agreement not to get angry and not to over react about things.

 

good luck . keep us posted!

[nataliejulie]

Wow, thats an intense story..... I think you two just need to learn to let go of the past ! It's over and done with . You can't change your mistakes, all you can do is learn from them. You don't have the past anymore, but what you do have, is your future. Maybe a good talk is needed, making sure you make an agreement not to get angry and not to over react about things.

 

good luck . keep us posted!

 

He's very stubborn. VERY STUBBORN. I might say something tonight.. about improving our communication about anger issues. I did a good job, however, I didn't fight back. Usually, I would of flew off the handle.

 

I actually said something during dinner last night. I said, part of loving someone is learning to forgive if the other is very truly sorry. He said, THATS NOT LOVE! ha. Idiot. Obviously he's moving on by opening up to me more and more each time we hang out, making future plans.

He did apologize for his bad mood. A lot. It surprised the hell out of me, to be honest. I was so used to just fighting back, I let it roll off my shoulders last night and he actually apologized.

[katie_emma]

Yeah, that tends to work. I do that with my boyfriend, Brad... if i don't yell and say things I dont mean, things that i'll regret.. he'll realize he was being ridiculous, and apologize.

 

Is he not willing to let the past be the past?

[Beec]

First of all, he seems like he is anxious about him. His talk is all about how he feels, and knowing you want to be with him is one of the good things in his life, I think. His behavior at dinner was passive aggressive, and it indicates that he either wants to chase you away or have you chase him, probably the latter. What can you say in response to a defensive "Well, I don't know why you are with me anyway" comment? Should you list the reasons you love them? Should you say, "Well then good bye." No to both. Just recognize it and see it. And you mgiht be aggressive or reassuring to defeat it. A comment like "If I wanted someone else, I would go get them" or a simple cut the BS can be fine.

 

And I would slow things down some more. You are seeing him a lot for someone taking it slow. If you act like a couple and see each toher all the time and sleep together, aren't you a couple?

[jenny_mcs]

I have to agree about slowing things down. Sending too much time together when you are in the beginning stages of working things out can really set you back.

 

My ex and I are trying to work things out and made a similar mistake. We get along so great and have so much fun together, that when we first started seeing each other again, we fell right back into spending tons of time together, and things fell apart again.

 

Now we are trying to ease into things- talking 2 or 3 times a week, an occasional email from work, and 1, maybe 2 dates a week.

 

It's hard, but rushing back into spending so much time together does not work, in my experience.

[nataliejulie]

katie_emma -- I don't think if he wasn't willing, he wouldn't be trying. He just says how hard it is to forget sometimes, some of the things I've done. He's just being very cautious, making sure I don't fall into the same patterns.

 

Beec -- Very good point of view. I know he likes being chased. I knew that the day I met him. I don't give in to it and he likes that about me. He knows that I can go out right now and find someone in a minute and I'm pretty sure that's one of the reasons he became so depressed at the end of the night by snapping at me through our date.

 

jenny_mcs -- I haven't been seeing him all THAT much. We went from living together to now... we probably see each other twice a week. We barely talk on the phone. Which is a big difference because we used to talk on the phone a good ten times a day. Now when we talk on the phone, it's a hello or to make plans.

 

 

I talked to him this afternoon. He has this job where he has to pick up/deliver cars for movies, tv, etc. He seemed real excited to go out tonight and asked me if I could drive him tomorrow to this place to pick up a car (which is by my house). This should be funny. I live with my parents right now and I'm going to have to sneak him in the house tonight like some 15 year old girl. They don't like him very much.

[annie24]

Hey - I like your quote

 

Well, it seems good that you guys are getting back on the same page again. I was a bit concerned about when you said:

 

Then crap hit the fan. He had this instant mood swing and started talking about how much he hates his life, how he doesn't care about anything at all, how he wants to die, really intense conversation. I don't know how it came to be -- shortly after I was tearing up in the middle of the restaurant. He smelled smoke on me. I quit smoking while I was with him and started smoking again when we broke off. He knows this, I told him. He told me he can't trust me because of all the things I've done in the past and now I'm smoking. ?!

 

Wow - he sounds like a ton of fun! (sarcasm) Is this what you're looking for in a life partner? Yeah, I know we all have our bad days, I hope this isn't a common occurrence with him.

 

I like the way how Beec said to handle it, "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be." That's good.

 

I hope you two work out your differences!

[nataliejulie]

Last night, we went to this comedy skit. This skit was about a relationship, problems, breaking up and getting back together. I thought it was a really risky thing to do but I'm glad we went. It really made us look at each other in a "God, we can be silly" way. We laughed so hard for hours, it still makes me smile. Last night was probably the best night so far and probably the best fun I've had with him ever.

 

After the comedy club, we were being goofy and fun with each other. We went to go eat and he kept fishing out the compliments. We were being really affectionate, which is new for us. After all that, we had to drive all the way down back to my house (which is an hour away) because he was going to spend the night... I was going to drive him to pick up a car for his work this morning which is by my house, so it worked out.

The whole hour way home, I kept telling him to sleep since he was tired.. but he kept going in and out of it, asking me if I was okay, apologizing for lack of conversation, etc. He would hold my hand, kiss my shoulders, it was so sweet. (I'm still smiling

 

He slept over. No sex. No fooling around. Even though I would have, he just wanted to lay there and cuddle. And even without the sex, it was just so intimate, so romantic, he was showing me all the attention (which was usually the other way around) So right now I'm pretty positive he just isn't in it for physicallity.

 

The best part about this date was that he called me his girlfriend to his boss. I bit my tongue. I just want to savor that for right now and let him steer the wheel in the direction he wants to go with this.

 

Now, originally, we were suppose to go away this weekend with my parents to Las Vegas. He thinks I'm still going but I'm staying behind. He kept saying how he was so sorry and he wished he could go. I figure him thinking I'm away for the next few days of NC, he can have some time to think about everything without me around. Is that a good idea?

 

I said something last night how I really wanted to go bowling real bad and he shot up and said "TUESDAY?!"

[cb2000]

Now, originally, we were suppose to go away this weekend with my parents to Las Vegas. He thinks I'm still going but I'm staying behind. He kept saying how he was so sorry and he wished he could go. I figure him thinking I'm away for the next few days of NC, he can have some time to think about everything without me around. Is that a good idea?

 

If your asking if you should pretend that your going away when your not to make him miss you more then I would say bad idea. You would be just trying to manipulate the situation based around a lie, doesn't mean that you have to see him over the weekend. I just think that it could really bite you in the butt later if you don't tell him the truth.

[nataliejulie]

I would also like to add that we were talking about plane crashes. I asked, what would you do if my plane crashed tomorrow?

 

He said: \

 

"I would be shattered. Really shattered. You would defintely start off a writing career for me."

 

(he's in school for writing, but always says he the greatest writers endure an extremely painful tragedy for inspiration)

 

Now to me, in a very weird way, was one of the best things I've heard all week.

[nataliejulie]

If your asking if you should pretend that your going away when your not to make him miss you more then I would say bad idea. You would be just trying to manipulate the situation based around a lie, doesn't mean that you have to see him over the weekend. I just think that it could really bite you in the butt later if you don't tell him the truth.

 

I'm not pretending I'm going away to make him miss me more. Actually there's a big main reason I said I was still going. I am NOT going because I will be so DEPRESSED that he isn't there. This trip meant so much to me. I know it's very silly of me not to go and I know I can still have a good time but it just won't be the same, you know? I planned a romantic get away weekend with my boyfriend... I didn't want to go to Vegas just to go to Vegas. The whole reason of me going was to just have a fun, romantic time together. Does that make sense?

 

I don't want to tell him that. I don't want to push him, make him feel uncomfortable. I don't want him to think I depend on him and him to create my happiness (i'm stressing here that I can still have a good time and go, but it's like, planning a honeymoon then going with your sister)

 

Plus, I want to do a little NC. I don't even want to talk on the phone, NOTHING NADA. Not to make him miss me, I just want him to not have me around so he seriously think about everything going on. So we both can.

[cb2000]

Can you still go on the trip? If so I would go if you said you were going.

[nataliejulie]

Can you still go on the trip?

 

Actually, no. If I could, I still would, trust me.

 

We made these plans a few months ago and I told my parents two months ago that there's basically no way in hell I'll go.

 

That's where I'm getting at. I can be strong without him. But if he see's that I'm not going, he will instantly think it's because I'm dependant on him.

[sibling295]

natalijuice- i know some people are not going to agree with me - but i say lie tohim that you are going. Do the whole NC thing all weekend.You know he will call for bowling on Tuesday. Say oh i had the best time ever. He needs to know that you are not dependent on him . i know peeps out there will disagree with me but i say lie. Yes no one likes games but geez you guys are getting along great (so am i) why not just keep at it.

[coooolsome]

What does she do when he finds out that she lied to him. Do you want to start a new relationship with a lie? I wouldnt. Go out on the weekend without him. You dont need to fly to vegas to not have to hang out with him.

[Beec]

I would nto lie. Lies are just asking for trouble. On the other hand not telling him something need not be lying.

[nataliejulie]

No matter what I say -- he's going to instantly think I depend on him.

 

AND THAT IS NOT A GOOD THING!!!!

 

When we were together... I was. If he went out with his friends, I didn't go out. We would argue over this. He'd always yell, why can't you just have fun without me? why can't you just go out with your friends?

 

arrrrgh.

[Beec]

Well go somewhere else. Do something, and don't lie.

[zcloud]

On lying, if you're gonna lie.... become a better liar or don't do it.

Isn't that why we are all here?

They lied to us and we lied to ourselves.

 

-zcloud

[nataliejulie]

ROAD BLOCK.....

 

So tonight, over the phone, the conversation of us happened. He basically said the following things:

 

- There's no doubt how I feel about you

- I'm not fully comfortable with us just yet

- I don't want you to be with other people.

- You are not my security blanket, you aren't my second choice, you aren't just there because of the company. Don't worry about it.

- I have so much going on (which he really does) I don't want to deal with you questioning me.

- I still want my freedom right now. And it's not to see anyone else. I just want to be able to do what I want without fighting or anyone to answer to.

- I'm not fully able to committ totally to you right now because I'm not totally comfortable with you yet. There's something still wrong in our relationship that I'm not over yet.

 

Ok, good. bad. blah

 

He kept apologizing for the fact he was in a bad mood, doesn't want to talk about it tonight, bla bla bla.

 

I just don't know what to do at this point. I know theres times I'm impatient and I want answers. But there's times I feel just lost.

 

He said something to me tonight, that really made me upset. I told him I'm not pressuring him and everything is going great and we had a really really fun time last night, etc.

He turned to me and said, "see, things like that sound kind of kooky to me. You keep saying how fun last night was but it wasn't THAT fun. It was fun, but not THAT much fun." What the hell?

 

Maybe I should just have him chase me right now. I have no idea what to think or what to do and I'm posting here because I want your opinions and I REAAAAAAAAALLY don't want to make a mistake or say something I'll regret or do something stupid.

[annie24]

I think you should definitely give him room. Going after him will just make him feel crowded and it will drive him away.

 

Here's the thing - how long can you wait for this guy to get over his issues? 1 month? 3 months? 12 months? How long do you WANT to wait? You know, it's ironic how often women will "wait" for men, seeing as how we are the ones with the biological clocks here..... they should be waiting for US!!!

 

I mean, he may get over his road block and realize that you're the best thing ever and he doesn't want to lose you. Or, he'll string you along while he's trying to figure out what he wants.

 

Even though he says he doesn't want anyone else, he's leaving that door open by not committing to a relationship with you. REMEMBER THAT! Don't see things through rose colored glasses...

[coooolsome]

I would say give him some space. Learn to go out with other people. Also, you said something that was very interesting. You said you know you are impatient and want answers. Seems to me that this is one of the "mistakes" in the relationship. Maybe you need to learn how to become more patient otherwise this second chance may not work especially how he feels. Of course, you can only change if you want to. Never change for someone b/c it wont last. If you can say to yourself, I dont want to be impatient anymore, then you are off to a good start.

 

I have realized that I made a lot of mistakes even though I never thought they were. This is a sign of maturity. Learn from your mistakes and grow. It can only help you become a better person.

[annie24]

I would say give him some space. Learn to go out with other people. Also, you said something that was very interesting. You said you know you are impatient and want answers. Seems to me that this is one of the "mistakes" in the relationship. Maybe you need to learn how to become more patient otherwise this second chance may not work especially how he feels. Of course, you can only change if you want to. Never change for someone b/c it wont last. If you can say to yourself, I dont want to be impatient anymore, then you are off to a good start.

 

I have realized that I made a lot of mistakes even though I never thought they were. This is a sign of maturity. Learn from your mistakes and grow. It can only help you become a better person.

 

Very very wise words.....

[nataliejulie]

Thank you guys. If I didn't read your responses, I would have done something totally stupid.

 

I called him this morning and apologized. I told him that I have to learn a little patience and stop fishing for all the answers.. and just let them be, let them answer themselves.

Well he seemed pleased to hear that, I guess. Said everything was okay.

 

I know this is a problem. I can't count how many times he's said in the past "why can't you just relax and let things be?"