Feeling like NC kills your chances of Getting Back Together?

[FCTex]

Tonight, I'm just having some deep thoughts, and I figured many of you were thinking the same thing, about a similar situation..

 

Majority of this site, and many counselors, will agree that NC(No Contact) is simply a great way to heal. To mend you broken heart. To rein your emotions in the time that they are running wild. While I can only agree, and can first hand tell how NC has helped me, and my situation, we all, as well as I can't help but think:

 

Isn't this pushing me away from my ex? Isn't this defeating the purpose?

 

I struggle with this everday. I get strong, day in and day out, without the contact of my ex. I look for it, sure, but I dont need it.. When I didnt want it, I got it. When I wanted it, guess what? I never got it. NC helps keep you in check of your planned emotions. You set plans of what to say, how to say it, what you want, and when you want it. You contact your ex, and dont get a reply.. Your instantly shot down. If you talk to them, and dont hear what you want to hear, what happens? Your back to square one. Your down in the gutters, and hurt, if not more than before you broke the silence.

 

One thing we're told to keep in mind is.. NC is for you.. NC is for us. NC is for them.. If we're trying to simply move on, it's all well and good, but this is the place to try and rekindle the relationships. To win the battle, to try again, to give the dice another roll. So..

 

I firmly believe, and just now tonight that we all have an invisible line drawn. Where you can cut your loss. When you KNOW your not going to get back with them... Everyone needs to move on. Expect nothing from the break up, but for making yourself better. However, I firmly believe in holding hope in getting back together, however, and I stress..

 

DO NOT LET IT RUN YOUR DAY. Do not play up plans in your head, only to be let down. Do not let yourself down so easy. Be surprised by anything that happens. Things happen when you don't try. Remember that.

 

We all know our ex's(or thought we did right?) pretty well... You know from the little contact your getting, how the situation is going..

 

If you firmly want to try again, and feel that the time is right, and right for your situation. As in, they aren't serious with someone, etc.. Then I dont see a problem with breaking contact, to get back together.

 

For example.. I'm not contacting my ex, however, I will wait for her. I have a line drawn that if she doesnt contact me for atleast another week, or week and a half, that I'm going to contact her. I'm going to be aloof, and just see how she is doing. After all, thats really all i wanna know. I want to meet up with her, I want to judge her feelings on me. I have ever right to not be led on by her, and I am... My ex will answer my calls, I know she will. She'll reply to my texts. If she doesn't I have my answer, and I can stop coming to this forum.. Because I will not be getting back.

 

The key I think I've come up with for everyone that wants to get back together, but doesn't understand how to break NC..

 

NC is for us.. But in the instances that we all have, sometimes breaking it wont be a bad thing.. We might be just moving on for us, when we could relaly get the closure, or the answers we're wanting from our exs. We might miss the chance we could have had. We might just be running in opposite directions from each other. In some cases, thats a blessing. In ours.. I think we could use some contact, only if, and here's the MAIN THING..

 

If you make contact.. Expect nothing. Go in, for the worse. Nothing. Contact without any plans to what to say, to do, to react to. Don't break down. If you think you will break down, you are not ready to contact.. Your only ready to contact when you feel you are ready. When you have worked on you, when you are no longer easily upset by the thought of talking about your broken relationship. If you get no answer, then you need to know and accept that perhaps it's not ever going to happen again.. Don't go in, expecting a damn thing...

 

We hurt ourselves in these times. We over analyze. We overthink. We plan, we make schedules, we make times. We have dreams, wishes and hopes, and when we make contact, if we dont get what we want to hear. We're crushed. This is where NC hurts you, when you break it. Not getting what you wanted to hear.

 

 

So.. Go out there with your sticks and draw your lines.. Work on yourself, and continue that NC.. It's good for us, and when you feel it's your time, and you feel strong enough to perhaps make something of your situation, go with it. Be strong, be the new you. Do not make plans, and do not let yourself down.

 

They let us down once.. Don't let them do it again, and don't let yourself down. Be surprised everyone!

[acuraman]

I totally agree with you. Contacting your ex and not having her reply to your calls will hurt you even more in the process. It is best to give your ex's some time to think things over clearly.

 

I won't contact my ex because she was the one who broke off the relationship, I will wait till she calls, if she doesn't, well then I guess she never cared for me in the first place. Its hard doing NC, Im on my 5th day and I think about her constantly. My mind does wander around, thinking of what shes doing at this very moment, if shes thinking about me, ect.

 

I suggest that you don't call your ex if you don't hear from her this week. I know you have a lot of things u want to clarify with her, but don't. Read what you have just written and stick with NC.

[waiting]

Good post. NC is bloody hard, no doubt about that. When its time to break NC is a tricky one to decide.

 

For myself, I have agreed with the ex that two months of NC is now starting. Putting a time down for next contact stops me constantly waiting for the phone to ring and is a trick i have played on myself to not stress myself out about it.

 

I am not expecting for her to have an answer for me then, but I hope she will at least have a hunch about what she wants for us.

 

Hopefully the space will allow her to see me more clearly and maybe, just maybe, start to miss me. But not worring about that - this is the time off from it all that i really need, and i am going to make the best of it. Time to see if i can heal a bit, and hopefully move on.

 

These days I do want to move on. I cant stay here much longer or i will go completely off the deep end. I want out - now.

 

But I also know it will happen of its own accord - or not. Cant just decide to move one, because it cant be switched off at will like that. Its out of my control either way.

[Natedoggld182]

very good post, it helps reading things like this.

If its ok I would like to post something that I have been thinking about and dealing with lately.

 

I hear from two of my friends, who oddly enough are her roomates, that all she does is talk about me and why I wont call her back or talk to her at all. They are actually sick of hearing it, because all they hear is, "Nate knew me so well and I could talk to him about anything, Why wont he talk to me?!? I miss him soo much."

 

This last weekend when I went out with them they tried to get me to go over and just talk to her to make her feel better, because she is really depressed right now. BUT they do say that they don't see her wanting to get back together, so I dont see the point in talking to her right now.

 

Doesn't this just sound confusing...

 

Also our favorite band is coming to a nearby town in a few months, and she emailed me about it. I would love to go, we have gone together the everytime in the last 3yrs, and I haven't missed them in five years, I'm just not sure If I will be ready to go with her. Tickets go on sale this week, so if I want to go i need to decide now, any advice?

[johnagent1911]

good post

[jigsaw]

Great post.

 

No contact is for you. It forces you to deal with yourself, and your emotions. Only when you are in control of yourself and your emotions can you handle breaking no contact. In any other case you will hurt your cause, and your heart.

 

This doesn't mean you have to wait until you don't care about them anymore, or that you have to move on. It only means you have to be smart and think with your head more than your broken heart.

[nataliejulie]

Think of it this way:

 

You already lost what you wanted, so this is a win win situation.

 

You win because you better yourself, you win because you stayed strong, you win because you tried.

[SuperDave71]

FCTex,

 

 

I comepletly disagree with your theory. I can say this without hesitation because I was ( Just like many here ) was in the same situation myself one year ago. I know you have heard me ramble on and on about NC and how much better you feel about yourself. I COMPLETELY agree that it is NOT EASY. I must have picked up the phone 1000 times ( didn't call ) but I wanted to. You are basing your "pushing your ex away" theory on the "Out of site, out of mind." Most of the people who agreed with you are probably ( I am assuming here and forgive me if I am wrong ) in the same situation as you are. It hard to see the benefit of NC, especially if you miss your ex so much that it affects your ability to think rationally.

You have 2 choices,

 

1) Wait for something to comeback and risk the chance of living your life the way you should.

 

2.) Learn from your mistakes, grieve and continue with your life taking away as much experience as you can so it doesn't happen again.

 

 

 

I know NC is hard....I seriously do. You must let go sometimes.

 

 

 

If you hold onto a bar of soap too hard...it slips right out of your hand.

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[Royltnxile]

Interesting post FCT. I concur with most of what you are saying. NC is for healing, but mainly so you can get a better perspective on the situation and see things more clearly.

 

NC takes time. My situation? 7 months since Valentines Day break up, 6 months of NC with the exception of a couple of cards sent through the mail. I even blew off a few of her "no message" calls. She got scared and she ran from me after a 4 month relationship. Very unexpectedly and for no reason other than her own fears and insecurities. I let her go, realizing that the only way I could preserve a chance for reunion in the future is to pull waaaaaaaaay back. Maybe I have pulled too far back so I tend to 2nd guess my NC in hindsight. I think it works differently for different people. Only YOU know what your ex will respond to, and what she won't.

 

7 months and we haven't seen each other in person either. I never doubted how she felt about me and I still don't. What I do doubt is her capacity to deal with her emotions and her ability to have a normal and healthy relationship (she has issues). Meanwhile I have been having the time of my life, dating others, having sex, having fun....without her. We talked on the phone a week ago and she is supposed to be calling me to get together for lunch soon. If she calls, great, if not, then I either stay on NC or make another attempt. I'm taking the "skittish deer" approach to her, without expectations.

 

So I think there is no set formula for NC except to apply it differently to different people. All relationships are salvagable with the right tools, How are you supposed to know if the tools exist if there is no communication?

[L8RISER]

SuperDave is absolutely right.

 

I think most, if not all of us have made the mistake at some point of seeing NC as a way of getting back together with the ex. Sure, for some people after NC they do get back together, and things workout. But really for how many people does this happen? I don't know of anyone who is now with someone they broke up with...at least no one in a successful, non-head games relationship.

 

Right now, I'm trying to remind myself of this - 1 1/2 months into the break up. And it is hard. The ex has told me how he has cried himself to sleep, wondered what went wrong, wondered how he could have shut himself off emotionally from me, and that he constantly thinks off me (like I need to know this. He has yet to finish moving out, so complete NC is not an option yet.) But he also says he is making the decision despite how badly he feels. And that's the problem with getting back together. The reason he broke up with me is still there. Whether I like the reason or not, it's valid to him. And no amount of him missing me is going to change that.

 

It definitely makes me feel in control when he tells me that he misses me, and after being dump it's sure nice to feel some control again. But I think people make the mistake of think that control is over the other person's feelings, when really it is control over your own feelings. NC gives you control, but it's something you exercise over yourself. When I feel like talking to the ex, and stop myself; it feels pretty damn good. I'm the one making the choices now. And I can't choose whether he comes back to me.

, but I can choose to feel better.

 

You feel like you are putting distance between you and your ex? Well you are, that's the whole point. You have to put the past behind you. My memories of my ex are of the way he use to be with me; loving, caring, someone who made me feel safe. But that's not who he is today, nor ever will be. He may be the same person he was before to everyone else, but not to me. The nature of our interaction has changed permanently. I don't hate him for it, it just in many ways he has become a stranger who I feel nervous and awkward around. The person I am missing today so badly is the memory of us in the past. Seeing the ex now reminds me that the is a huge difference between my memory, and my reality. And it hurts a lot to see that they are so different; that they don't connect. Let go the person in the present, and eventually you can let go of the memories. It's the only way to move on, and feel better. It's also the only way that you can ever eventually be friends – if this is something that happens at all.

 

The irony of continuing contact with an ex is that it inevitably is disappointing, and that disappointment causes you to try even hard next time you contact them, resulting in greater disappointment and greater efforts, then even more disappointment and more efforts... You have to let go of the person. You never know...you maybe glad you were dumped one day. I now I was glad t be single when I met my recent ex. Never would have had 2 great years together. Let go of the past, and embrace your future possibilities.

[Juha]

Now in NC for 3 weeks...My problem is the reason she broke up with me is

my problem and anxiety...SHe left because I was not me anymore and treated her and everyone in my life badly becasue of it...I did not even realize it came back...

 

Now I have been taking care of it and am so much better and am not going to let it happen again...unfortunately she is with someone else now but they are just to occupy her so she does not have to deal with the break...

 

My problem is how can she ever know that I am me again, the person she wanted to be with if I we never have contact...She would contact me and I just started to NC her completely...

 

How can you have a chance of anything if you ignore her??? She probably thinks I want nothing to do with her and am angry or hate her...

 

I am in NC but part of me believes it is ruining any chance of having anything in the future...

[coooolsome]

No Contact doesnt mean you can never ever call her. I believe that NC is for you to heal yourself so you dont become a blubbering mess when you do talk to your ex. Give yourself some time to get over it and then give your ex a call. However only call her once and leave a voice message with something light like how are you, im doing good, calling to see how you are doing, give me a call sometime.

 

After that, leave it. She might or might not call but at least you gave it a shot.

[FCTex]

Thanks for the comments everyone.

 

I want to make this clear, that I don't intend to make this a debate.

 

I firmly believe in NC. I seriously do. I'm doing it right now in fact. It has worked, and IS working for me. The only point to my post was, I know I have these feelings and more than likely, several others, as we have found out; do too.

 

This is the Getting Back Together forum. This is the place to try again. This is the land of second chances, and broken wishes.. I'm simply putting some thought out there, not only for me, but for others.

 

Certainly, everyones situation will vary, of course. However, one thing does remain true. We are all wanting to try again, to a varying degree, naturally..

 

Sure, I miss my ex. I love her. But like I have realized, and L8riser mentioned.. We all miss the PAST of our ex's. We miss the good times, not the bad times we're in. We don't miss who our ex's are now, to us.. That however, doesn't mean we can't try again.

 

I was simply saying. I firmly believe in NC. However, in order to try again, you've started NC under the pretense that you will make your ex miss you. You will draw back, and allow them to wallow, in their guilt, and them missing you. Sure thats a great plan, if thats how your going to handle it. If you know you have a chance to get back with your ex. As in, if it was discussed, or mentioned, or god forbid, if you just want to cling on for that last try.. Then I see NOTHING wrong with breaking contact for that.

 

I simply want people to know, that your not weak for breaking it. You are not weak for simply trying again. If both parties want to try again, but BOTH, are being told to do strict NC. Doesn't that obviously mean that it again, will never be? Each person will be healing, and waiting for the other to contact. It's a vicious cycle.

 

We all get things in life.. People, material items, jobs.. friends.. By taking a chance. By just tossing it out there and seeing what happens. By putting your pride, and your name on the line.. I honestly believe that once you realize that your back to "you" enough to contact your ex for another try, then go on right ahead and hold your head high for it.

 

Try again, but realize that it might not ever work out like you want. Don't make plans for it. Sure you have some expectations, but don't thrive on them, don't build them up, because you could come crashing down again. I really believe that once you feel strong enough to not break down, to not beg. To feel attractive, to feel strong, whole, and up to the challenge of things again, I really believe that taking a stab into the dark unknown, and the past, is perfectly fine.

 

After all, if we didnt take a chance and talk to the cute girl at the gas station.. Or if we didnt offer to let the cute girl next to us in class, copy our papers.. Or perhaps, even have the guts to ask a girl at a club for a drink and a dance, while she's all over other guys.. We might have never found our lovers. Our wifes, or our girlfriend. If we just get to ourselves..

 

Superdave, I can see where you coming from. Honestly, I take your NC posts serious. They help; ME. I'm doing NC for me. I'm also doing it for her. I want her back. I WILL try again, someday-sometime. I wont be a weaker person for it, knowing I tried, and put it out there.

[SuperDave71]

FCTex,

 

 

You're the man.... No one can do this but you!!

 

 

Have faith in yourself...and you can do anything!

 

 

 

Stay Strong,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Echo]

Thanks for posting this topic...

 

I am the Queen at breaking NC..hahaha ..heck I invented it, but I gotta tell ya...I feel SO much stronger and better when I DON'T break NC. Stronger for ME. I think an important point was brought up about this topic, and that is that people tend to build up expectations on the outcome of NC....that is detrimental to your progress...WHY? I will tell you....Because there is NO way you can gauge the "HOW, WHAT WHEN, or Where's" of your ex'es attitude when you do decide to make that "appearance" in their life again.

 

For example..I am the type who likes to PLAN things..or how I THINK things will go..in a month, or 2 months or whatever. In MY mind I am thinking.."Ok, in a month he will be missing me or at least be open to talking about things"..ok but lets remember...this is on MY timetable..Mister Ex might actually need at least 3 or 4 months before he will even consider THINKING of talking to me again. So this is where I mess up. I ASSUME the other person will be receptive, simply because I have made this up in my mind. I have learned I CANNOT do this....and I think this is where a lot of people slip.

 

So what is a good rule of thumb in making that contact? Especially if your Ex is NOT making any attempts to contact you? I think had I NOT slipped so many times..I would easily be on my 3 month anniversary of NC..but hey, live and learn.

 

I am NO expert, just going by my OWN experience of screwing up..but I think a GOOD rule of thumb in doing NC initially is to wait 90 days..IF you can be strong enough to do it.

I am curious to know if anyone agrees with this?

[FCTex]

I agree with the making plans and over analyzing to make a timetable of a contact regiment..

 

However, I don't agree with the 90 days. I simply can't see how you can put a certain time on when to contact.. Sure we all can say.. In 2 weeks I'm going to contact. Thats for you.. 90 days, just seems absurd.. I know I couldnt do it. I struggle with 2 weeks, my longest.. It always gets broke by her or I, and I get back to trying to get comfortable with her, and then we go back to silence.. Taking baby steps.. each time it's just a little better..

 

I think we just need to follow our gut. Our hearts.. You'll know when your past the point of waiting. You know when you need to just know, when you need to contact.. Saying you wont do something in 30,60,90,120 days, is simply out of the question. If you go 90 days without a single contact, you've moved on really well, and I simply couldnt see the point of even trying to contact. I wouldnt want anything out of it anymore.

[Fivek]

It really depends on the situation, to be honest.

 

I know I have no real chance with my ex in the short term (She's 2 hours away in college dating someone right now). So I pretty much have to resign myself to letting go and allowing either her to come to me or just letting fate guide me.

 

NC is an excellent tool and helps immensely. The will power required for it is a true test of character.

[misslonelyheart]

I've been doing NC for 7 months now and have not seen or spoken to my ex in all that time.

 

Some people may think that I am doing really well or be moving on because of this but I am not.

 

It has not been hard to do NC, I have not struggled at all with the desire to constantly call my ex, or text him or beg and plead with him to come back to me.

 

This is not because I am over him, this is because I love him, miss him and want him back with me now just as much as when he first walked out on me.

 

The only reason I am so good at NC is because I am scared of not getting the response I want from him and feeling that searing, burning misery I felt when he left. Yes, NC has helped - I can eat again, I don't cry all day, every day, I can function better than I did but my feelings for him are still as stong as ever.

 

To hear his voice, to see him would be just too painful to bear..not sure I would call that moving on or healing.

[scorchio]

kisslonelyheart,

 

you have mirrored me exactly

 

im strong with the N/C in exactly the same way and for eactly the sam reasons.

 

the wanting is still there and the missing her and wanting her is still there.

 

reading what you posted was like I had typed that, we are very similar !!!

 

keep strong and here's hoping for us both

and anyone else !!!!

[scorchio]

oh and sorry

I meant Misslonely heart not Kisslonelyheart he! he! ooopppss

 

typo error lol

[Echo]

Miss Lonely and Scorchio...

 

I envy you guys...because you have been strong enough to NOT act impulsively on your urges to contact your ex. It takes a GREAT will of strength to do what you have. Maybe I am weak willed....but at the same time I think I would have more regrets if I had NOT taken the chances I did. I guess you can look at it from different perspectives ...some might think it's better to put your heart out there and risk the rejection, because if you don't try, then who knows what could happen?

Then there's the perspective that if you pursue an ex who has clearly let it be known they have moved on or they are not contacting you, and you beg, cry plead etc with them..that it is being selfish to NOT let that person go..and to move on.

I will say this....I believe in second chances, especially when there was NO abuse or if the relationship was relatively good, or if the timing was just bad. Many of us (myself included) would jump at the opportunity to have ONE second chance. It may work, it may NOT but at least we would have a fighting chance to see what would happen. For ME, that's the most frustrating thing about things ending the way they did....it sucks.

[FCTex]

Keep strong.. But break it if you feel your ready..

 

7 months of no contact by both parties, I would assume nothing would ever come of it again..

 

 

As a note..

 

My ex called me last night. 1 week from the last contact.. Nothing inbetween then and now.. I didnt pick it up. I was so nervous. I was almost just.. out of my body, to see her picture on my phone when she called.. She didnt leave a message, nor did she call back. It was pretty late.. around 11pm...

 

I'm so debating wether or not to let her know I'm sorry I missed her call, or call her back later today, or this week. Or if I should just not do anything and wait it out. The NC helps, it makes her contact me, and I feel better for it. But I want to try again, and simply ignoring phone calls, isn't going to get me there, or anywhere fast.

[Echo]

FCT....

 

I am NO one to advise you on what to do with your ex..BUT since you know you want her back at some point, then I think intermittent contact is

a positive thing. As I said in my last post....many of us would kill to be in your position...to have our ex'es contacting us..and to have thaty second chance to at least work things out, or to make things even better than they

were before. Different tactics work for different people. It seems like you doing NC with your ex draws her closer. Dr. PHil always uses this statement: Dont do what's right...Do what works. That's my advice.

[misslonelyheart]

Oddly today, a situation arose whereby I had to contact me ex which ended with him asking me to let him know if I wanted to meet for coffee ( I have posted separately on this).

 

There are so many 'whatifs'...

 

I could face my fears and meet him and finally know for sure that it is over with no second chance, and yes I will feel pretty wretched for a while but at least I will know or I could carry on as I am now, in a strange sort of limbo, of my own making I know, and continue NC.

 

But what if my NC has given him the message that I am over him so he doesn't bother contacting me although he maybe having second thoughts. Maybe he is too scared of my reaction because he knows how much he hurt me when he left.

 

Maybe he doesn't want to admit he made a mistake before having an inkling of what my reaction would be - I know that if the situation was reversed, I would be terrified of contacting my ex with second thoughts in case I got a verbal and physical slap in the face!

 

All these maybes and whatifs drive you crazy...there are so many factors that make the decision either way pretty terrifying.

[misslonelyheart]

It's funny really...

 

People are envious of the ones who have been good at NC. they think that we have great strength of will, we are brave, healing, moving on, etc..

 

I don't feel like that at all. I am envious of the ones who are brave enough to put themselves out there with their exes and can face the reality of their situation, and wonderfully for a rare few, they are rewarded with reconciliation.

 

I am a coward. I want to stay in this limbo, protected from the pain of the truth. The tiny grain of hope that NC gives me stops me facing reality and I don't necessarily think that is a good thing although it can be the only thing that gets me through my worst days.

 

I am not saying that I am envious of people who harass their exes, beg and plead, etc but the ones who are prepared to leave themselves open to their ex and lay their hearts on the line and accept the outcome, good or bad, I have the utmost respect for.