Importance Of The Values of Your S/O's Family

[lillady898]

I met this guys' family tonight at a little get-together. And wow. They're very sweet, always offering food, a seat, hugs, kisses, and... beer.

 

I come from a very ultra-conservative family. I am very conservative. Growing up, we never even had alcohol in our household. I guess it's because both of my parents grew up in alcoholic households and wanted us to have a different lifestyle. I rebelled as I hit my teenage years, but soon thereafter I realized that scene just wasn't me.

 

Now this guys' family is very sweet, just as I said. Even the aunts and cousins are nice. They're just so different from the family I am so used to. The environment is so odd... Even 5 year olds are talking about jello shots. One little boy went around and asked everyone if they wanted "another d*** beer." 40 year-olds were playing beer pong like college frat boys and were cussing like sailors. Gossip was the center of every conversation, if they weren't talking about sex. And there definetly was no volume control on any of their voices.

 

Don't get me wrong, they're nice enough people, but I definetly don't agree with their ways. I don't know if I'd ever be able to marry into that family of our relationship was to continue, primarily because I wouldn't want my future kids to grow up in that environment. And I would NEVER ask this guy to give up his family for me. NEVER. That's just wrong.

 

So, I guess my question is this:

 

In your opinion, how important is it to have the same values as your significant other's family?

 

I know how important it is to me, but relative to your own situations, how important would it be to you?

[saint_saul]

I think it's moderately important (opposed to highly or not very much). I can see how it would be problematic if there were major differences in family values (such as your situation), but, even then, I think it would be possible to get over it and accept them for what they are. I can see the kids issue being a problem, too. I think, however, that you could do a substantial amount of things to keep your own kids from being submerged into that kind of environment, like limiting their time spent with their grandparents, etc. unsupervised. Plus you could make it known to your husband (if you did end up getting married) that you do not want their family values to reflect your kids'. I'm sure a solution/compromise could be reached. I think the reason why I am only moderately concerned about my now/future significant other's family values is because I live in a somewhat liberal household, and thus am accustomed to the sometimes bizarre customs and attitudes we manifest. I can see how that may be different growing up in a conservative family. For my own situations, I can point out one family value difference that WOULD be an issue for me: religion. Not because I abhor certain religions, but simply because some devout religious families follow customs dictated by their religion which I personally may not be comfortable with. That would be a huge problem, although I still think that I could overcome that, as my husband would be able to overcome my own family's values.

[DN]

The only thing that is important is whether it matters to you. This is something that is so personal that what other people think is irrelevant and it would be a major mistake to marry someone or not marry them because other people have said they would or not under similar circumstances.

[lillady898]

The only thing that is important is whether it matters to you. This is something that is so personal that what other people think is irrelevant and it would be a major mistake to marry someone or not marry them because other people have said they would or not under similar circumstances.

 

I know and completely understand this. That is why I stated that I already know where I stand on the situation. I was just interested in hearing other people's points of view on their own current situations. But, I suppose that won't be happening since it is "irrelevent."

[DN]

Sorry, I misunderstood your post.

 

My own feeling is that I would not mind having very different values from my partner's family providing that my partner and I were more or less on the same page. It would obviously cause difficulties but with negotiation and understanding they would hopefully be overcome.