You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[andrewc]

Thanks Superdave,yes of course you are right I do know that but just having a hard time trying to convince my head of it! You all will know what I mean. Today she called in sick to work and I wonder if it is a way of avoiding me.

 

She has told some people we both know that she is devastated but thinks we were not meant to be together.

 

I guess I just have to sit tight and as you say worry about myself. Sometimes a day seems such a LONG time.

 

Cheers,

 

Andy.

[SarahRose]

This is an amazing thread! My first post here!

 

It has answered lots of my questions and worries about nc.

 

My bf and I haven't broken up. I feel he is taking me for granted and being ambivalent about things.

 

I asked him if he would come here to my country for a visit as I usually go there. I was all excited about him being able to come here sometime this year but no, he replies probably not. The flight is too long and blah blah excuses. I said but I would really like it a lot. No reply to that from him so I got angry. I told him I was angry and I was logging off. This was a few days ago and I haven't contacted him since.

 

What if he writes me and says something like does this mean we are over? Or if he asks if I am mad at him?

 

Do I just ignore his messages?

 

What are the kinds of things he should be doing or saying for me to know he really wants me and isn't going to be taking me for granted anymore?

 

It seems like if he makes amends to me and a meaningful amends would it be ok to start talking to him again to work things out?

 

Thanks everyone!

[andrewc]

Hey guys,

 

I just wanted to tell everyone I had an epiphany today.

 

I had the worst day I have all week,rang the ex twice and hung up,unless she got caller ID in the 3 weeks since we split she would'nt have known it was me. I cried this evening when I got home and generally just felt lost,hopeless and alone.

 

But tonight I was sitting at my PC ,googling stuff and also reading posts on here and it hit me.

 

I WILL BE O.K.

 

How did I come to this realisation when I have lost 15lbs and have'nt slept and been an emotional wreck for three weeks...I have NO idea. I have been to 8 counselling sessions this past 3 weeks and even that did'nt do it. Yet it hit me out of the blue. I was'nt perfect in our relationship but who is. I am not the nicest person all the time but who is . I am neither rich nor drop dead gorgeous !

 

I am allowed to feel down at times,read my previous post,my 6 year old son died of meningitis in March of this year,his medical bills are still to be paid,though how right now I don't know. I can't bring him back and I miss him more than anything. He lived with my ex wife (we grew apart slowly but still remain firm friends and she has since re-married,I even went to the wedding) but I took him to soccer practise and watched his school plays and wiped his bum when he was a baby. But I was there for him,whenever he needed anything beit financial or emotional ! I was there for him.

 

SHE for whatever reason is unable to be there for me. I don't NEED an answer or a reason,she is still to give me one.... She said she can help me more from the outside than the inside but cuts me off and basically deserts me anyway,her words were empty,but that is what she needed to do. I can't and don't hate her,she did'nt fail me,it just was'nt meant to be.

 

I know I have been an angry ,depressing sod these last 3 months since Thomas died but I never thought that my GF would dump me . SHE is the one who should feel bad. Not me. I tried talking,suggested counselling but she had made her mind up. She just switched off after we had a fight and went cold,she seems miserable but am I responsible for her emotions. NO. She is. She is dealing with them how she feels she needs to. To cut me off and get over me. So why did I let her have the power to make me feel so lousy?

 

I was scared of being alone. I was thinking I was someone ugly ,some horrible wretch of a person.

 

Yes I am NOT perfect but I DO and CAN love myself,this was the whole problem. I was'nt doing that. My son dies, my car engine blows up,I lose half my business and so deep down I was a failure. I love myself ,someone WILL love me in the way I deserve and I will love them back just as much and if they don't I will be o.k. I will be O.K!!!

 

It is all so clear now.

 

Thanks for reading guys,I have spent hours on here this last week since I found you all,pouring over your posts and reading and learning more about myself,emotions are for feeling,good and bad.

 

To all of you feeling lousy,BIG HUGS ,it does and CAN get better.

 

Andy C xoxoxo

[SuperDave71]

Andrew,

 

 

Isn't it amazing how when you feel all is lost, that God can creep in and fill your heart with Hope.

 

 

Remember... Faith, Hope and Love but of these things the greatest is Love.

 

 

That means lovinging yourself as well.

 

 

 

Glad to hear your going to be ok.

 

 

 

 

Your friend,

 

SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

Sarah,

 

DO exactly what your boyfriend doesn't expect. Break up with him. I am NOT kidding. Stand up for youself and DEMAND he give you the attention and love you deserve or leave.

 

In the long run, if someone asked me whether I would rather be alone or in an unloving relationship...I would say....

 

 

"They are the same thing" ...but if I had a choice, I would rather be alone.

 

 

 

Take care,

 

SuperDave71

[Muzik]

hey i want to do that but, she tells me if i do that to her then she will never forgive me...what shoud i do?

[SarahRose]

Thanks SuperDave!

 

I messed it up already.

 

Something really bad happened to me on Wednesday. Nothing to do with the bf. On Thursday, I was falling apart. I decide to text the bf as I was needing him badly. Turns out he had messaged me first and I didn't know it.

 

I told him what happened and then he said to call. I did. I told him about not being able to move there until next year. He told me what happened to me was bad and to just come back when I was able to. sigh... I said, if I can come for a short visit sooner would you like that? He immediately text me back saying 'If you like' with a big smilie.

 

So later on I answer his message at our group online and send him a funny link.

 

So now I don't hear from him at all this weekend.

 

I'm going back to nc and I have to stick to it this time.

[SuperDave71]

Sarah,

 

 

Don't let your mind wander into thinking a quick fix will make everything alright. Believe in yourself and what you can do and everythig else will follow.

 

Take care of you first and you will see what a difference it makes in your own life.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[lonestar_80]

Hey Dave!

 

I find your posts so refreshing! They really help me out. I have two problems with my ex's. I did exactly what you did about three years ago with one of my ex's. He came crawling back like a beat up dog!

 

But I did not get back together with him b/c he was a cheater. It kind of pisses me off though. He comes to me to have his ego stroked but then when he gets his fill he is MIA. I got to the point where I do not take anything he says seriously. Since I don't talk to him He thought that I had moved out of state. He texted me for Valentines day and my birthday (March) and I text him for his Birthday(May). He called me a week ago and asked me if I missed him. Then he said that we really understood each other. A Year ago he is asking me about who I am dating etc. How sorry he was for hurting me and that he is not the same guy he use to be. He does the same song in dance every year in June. What is so special about June?

 

Dave my question is why does he call me out of the blue every year, and ask me if I miss him all the time. I mean it is one thing to say Hey, How are you doing, how are things going. But why ask if I miss him?

 

Anyway...I am really here b/c I am having problems with a guy I have been seeing for 4 months. The relationship is so random. We only see each other once a week, b/c he works two jobs and the night shift. He is always sleeping, I understand that, but he makes time to go to the bar with his friends every Thursday night but he has to pencil me into his schedule. My spirit tells me that something is not right about this relationship. He makes up excuses (in my eyes) for why he can't see me. I also think that I slept with him too soon. (One month into the relationship). I think that he took advantage of me b/c I was not use to sexual relationships b/c I had been celibate for almost 3 year by choice. Every guy that I dated before this guy we did not have sex. My ex from 3 years ago made me not want to have sex again until marriage. But this guy somehow charmed my pants off.

 

Sorry for rambling...but why would he start a relationship with me knowing my past and still try to use me for sex? He did it, all wined and dined me, talked about us being best friends. He was introducing me to all his friends, calling every night in the beginning. Taking care of me when I was sick or he was sick. I though he was a great guy. Then he started to distance himself b/c of different reasons. He has a very sick father, and lost a sibling a few years ago , so that burden weights him down at times. He is 34 but hangs out with 26-28 year olds. He likes the party scene on the weekends. He acted like he wanted to settle down but then starting distancing from me.

 

He would say that he is going to call but then does not call. He would say lets go to lunch/dinner/etc. and then did not call to set up the date. I feel like I made things too easy for him. I adored him and treated him too well. I always did what I said I was going to do. Always called back promptly. I cooked for him and told him how handsome he is even though he is somewhat insecure about his weight. But I still like him even though he is a little chubby. He is cute to me. However, he says that he is intimidated by my beauty; I don't know if that is a line or if he is telling the truth. I am very attractive and men flock to me and some men are afraid to talk to me b/c of the way I look. He said that he wanted, to be wanted and he thought that I should initiate sex because he did it all the time. But we really never had sex that much only 5 times in 4 months. But coming from my background of being celibate for 2 1/2 years, sex is not that important to me, and I don't want him to just want me for sex.

 

I just feel bad Dave b/c I feel like I got played and he does not even care about how I feel. When I call him on the phone he is sweet as pie but then does not call me for days. I just can't take not knowing how he really feels about me. It makes me mad b/c I can't stand two faced behavior. I feel like I am starting to look desperate. I call him almost every day and sometimes he picks up and other times he does not pick up.

 

Why does he act like he wants to see me but then does not follow through. I think I scared him away b/c I told him that I refuse to be a booty call, and I refuse to be with someone that is not reliable. He has been out of town for most of the week for the last two weeks, and I have not seen him since Memorial Day. I know that it maybe the end of the road for us...but I just can't get over feeling used. And it hurts even more to know that he may not have the balls to break up with me, but he will just stop calling me, and making up sugar coated excuses for why he can't see me when I call him. Dave I just don't know what is real or fake anymore when it comes to relationships. I don't know if I am just needy in general. I am not use to that type of relationship.

 

I need to see someone more that one time a week and I need for the person I care about to call me. If I am thinking about him everyday and want to call he should do the same. He says just b/c I don't call you does not mean that I am not thinking about you. But what kind of person can not talk to the one that they adore for 3 or more days (unless you’re on vacation or business). Why do people dislike you if you treat them well? Why do you have to treat someone like crap for them to like you? What kind of sick world do we live in. When I love someone I want to give them the world and treat them with honor and respect.

 

ugh this guy makes me mad! I am doing NC not to get him back but b/c I think that I deserve better. He has been acting shady like this for over two months. Every time I call him on his crap, he says I am sorry baby I will make it up to you blah blah blah. He does change, then it goes right back to the way it use to be. I think he may just be a player. I just hate players b/c you don't know when it is real or when it is fake. But they set it up to make you think it is real. I have never been played before, so I really did not know what to look for, all of my relationships have lasted 3 or more years. I think that he is too afraid to break up with me so he wants me to do the dirty work for him. If he can't break up with me why should I break up with him? I think that I will just play his game and just bail on him like he bailed on me.

 

This is NC day two. How sad...I never though I would be this way over a guy. love/lust/infatuation makes you crazy.

 

 

Sorry this is so long I just wanted to get this off my chest. It feels so much better.

[Rickster]

Hey guys. It's been quite some time since I've been here.

How's it going SuperDave?

 

I didn't know where to post this, but since this was the place where I posted most when I was last here, I guessed I would post here.

 

I think being on this forums made me think much moe about my ex. Just because I kept reading other people's experiences aswell as typing out my own experiences. And now I feel much stonger to be here again.

I got a hobby to take my mind off my ex, and also recently I've been quite busy working and studying for my finals (but now its over, so I'm more free). I haven't had the time to call my ex for 1.5 months. I'm feeling much better since those days. But then again I will never forget what happened, and I still do miss having someone by myside and talking to. Its been 1 year and 3 months since the breakup. But now I've opened my mind up to reality and realised that it's almost impossible that she would want me back. But just almost, because nothing is impossible. I don't think it was the NC that helped me, I think it was me being quite busy.

 

I remember the last call I gave her I asked her whether she felt uncomfortable talking to me, and she replied me with a "yes, because I'm not free" (she was clearly with her bf). I've given her what she wanted, and I've claimed all the reasons for the breakup to be my own fault (even though I don't know the exact reason why she broke up with me). I've accepted the fact that she loves her bf very much.

 

My question is, can ex's still be friends, I don't mean in a relationship kind of way, but just mutually?

I remember she told me that we still could be friends, but I mucked up that opportunity and made all the same mistakes in the book. How stupid of me. I think I'm going to give her a call and ask her how things are, no harm in that.

[SuperDave71]

Lonestar 80,

 

You have been played. I cannot sugar coat this one. The guy has shown interest to get what he wanted...he got it ...now its a matter of you waking up and not answering the phone, text messages, e-mails.

 

Common sense tells you that if he is TRULY interested in you, he would pursue you. A phone call every 3 to 4 days is NOT pursuing. If he cannot FIND the time to be with you, so be it. It's all or nothing. You gave yourself to this guy and he is NOT worth the headache.

 

You need to respect yourself more and stop worrying about a guy who just wanted casual sex and maybe a female buddy. You are a PRIZE worth every penny. Stand up straight, put your feet on the floor and leave this one alone. I am sorry you are frustrated, but my question to you is...are you upset that he doesn't call? Or...are you upset at yourself for what happened? The way we learn is to take the knowledge we have and USE it. If we did the same thing over and over again and expected a different result, that would be called insanity.

 

My advice to you is to leave this one ALONE....not NC. I mean completely. Its obvious you are in his spell and you need to break away from it, You deserve the best and he obviously is not. If you leave him alone, be awarre he will start calling more and more and give you the same song and dance. DO NOT FALL for it. History repeats itself. Many men out there string a woman along for just that...ego and self-esteem.

 

The way prevent yourself from being played..is not to play

 

 

 

The reason your EX calls you in general ( regardless if it's June) is to pacify hiimself. It's more of an ego thing. I would let this go. It's obvious he cares more about HIS ego than your feelings. I call it testing the waters. In other words, he is not seeing anyone or if he is, he is not happy. Many people live to much in the past and they try to re-live or re-kindle what they once had to make them happy. (In theory)

 

Ask yourself this when you answer the phone with either man:

 

"What good can come from this?"

 

 

This should sum up any confusion you may be having inside.

 

 

I wish you the best and thank you for posting,

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

Rickster,

 

It is very possible....BUT it takes two. If your ex is NOT willing to give you friendship, why wait?

 

I wish you well my friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[grkn]

My turn, my turn!

1. Relationship deteriorated, she didn't feel understood and was unhappy, communication failed in fights.

2. It got to the point where we got phyisical, she broke up two days after.

3. Both were heartbroken for a week, I did understand her reasons and supported her.

4. Met after a week to talk things over, found our old chemistry, met her out one night, agreed that it was best to break up, two days later got back together, I had learned why we got into the pattern of bad communication.

5. She moved 2 weeks before me, I called a lot, after 1 week she said we weren't actually together, and she got very angry with me.

6. Tried to be a friend and reignite the spark, I gave her space, we had a couple of positive meetings, but she had gotten over me.

7. She was still very angry after 4 weeks, she was cold and agreed to meet me only to step on me, I gave up, got out my frustration trough texts pissing her off, and refused contact before she didn't just blame me anymore.

 

8. She then called desperately many times, after three days I naively answered, she asked if I was angry, I said no, I tried to talk about the relationship, she got pissed, I hung up, tried to call back once, sendt texts explaining why I did so. She later wrote me back saying,

"Why do you have such a big need to talk about the relationship? To force me is evil and selfish. If you don't want to move on and get a good tone I don't want anything to do with you. I've moved on, you have obviously not"

.

 

I wrote back, I was a bit mad

"remember I asked you to call first when you've realized what you yourself did wrong, and no longer just blame me. You can't blame me for talking about the relationship then. It doesn't seem like you care at all about what I've been through, and I need to talk about it because the way things are today we can never build a meaningfull friendship, just look at your relationships to xxxx that didn't want to meet you after he knew you wouldn't have sex with him, and yyyyy that you first spend the night with and later tell me you don't want to see because he's mad. I still don't want any contact with you before you realize what you did wrong, no longer blame me for everything. I can understand it's easy to get over someone when you only blame them"

 

after that I apologized for the stuff i wrote about her exes, and that I liked her. then no contact.

 

After a week she, her little brother and xxxxx comes to a cafe where I'm sitting, they seem to ignore me, my heart is racing, I walk right behind them to the toilet, I go back, and me and my friend walk past them and out. Not looking at them. It feels silly, but I did ask for no contact, so then I shouldn't take contact eighter. She seems fed up with me really. I guess I'll just have to wait. I have written a letter explaining everything, but should I send it after a month, or shouldn't I ever do so? We both wanted to be friends after the second breakup, and we was to some extent.

 

This is a draft,

[SuperDave71]

grkn,

 

 

Was there a question in there somewhere or did I miss that one all together.

 

 

What can I help you with?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

 

PS. Welcome to the forum

[BONO]

grkn,

 

 

Was there a question in there somewhere or did I miss that one all together.

 

 

What can I help you with?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

 

PS. Welcome to the forum

 

 

 

I was just thinking the same thing , there is a lot to go on there kid !

 

 

Scruff

[grkn]

Okay, basically, I'm wondering, does the letter seem genuine? Is there something that could get her to react badly? I will only send it when I'm 100% gotten over her

 

It seems to me that I've got about three choiches, 1. Get on with my life and wait for her to make contact 2. Get on with my life and send the letter once I'm over her 3. Get on with my life and send a simple letter "how'ya'doing'gal" style once I get over her.

 

All while becoming a better person, knowing a lot more about how to communicate well. And I must want to just be her friend I think.

 

Whaddayareckonfolks?

[BONO]

Okay, basically, I'm wondering, does the letter seem genuine? Is there something that could get her to react badly? I will only send it when I'm 100% gotten over her

 

It seems to me that I've got about three choiches, 1. Get on with my life and wait for her to make contact 2. Get on with my life and send the letter once I'm over her 3. Get on with my life and send a simple letter "how'ya'doing'gal" style once I get over her.

 

All while becoming a better person, knowing a lot more about how to communicate well. And I must want to just be her friend I think.

 

Whaddayareckonfolks?

 

 

This is SD thread, but from many hours of reading this forum every week - I would go for your FIRST choice.

 

 

SD ??

 

 

Scruff

[grkn]

Ok, about the first choice, so you're saying, show what I've written in the letter with actions rather than written words.

 

What is the risk of sending the honest letter after a couple of months? Won't it be a relief for her to hear that I've moved on, that I finally understand what she's been through and that I do not blame her?

[BONO]

Ok, about the first choice, so you're saying, show what I've written in the letter with actions rather than written words.

 

What is the risk of sending the honest letter after a couple of months? Won't it be a relief for her to hear that I've moved on, that I finally understand what she's been through and that I do not blame her?

 

 

Sorry SD - Im jumping on again B4 I logg off.

 

1) Your right - ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

 

2) When you say it will be a relief for her that you have moved on - are you sort of thinking that you hope you have moved on and as such want to tell her.

 

 

3) Leave her -for know -and let her come to you mate.

 

 

Scruff

[SarahRose]

Thanks again SuperDave!

 

I had done well with nc for 4 days. He has been online waiting for me and I have found it gets easier for me to just chill.

 

Today he texts me early and something bad had happened to him. I had to respond. Then he called later and we talked for about an hour. He was enthusiastic and open about things again.

 

I think things are going to be ok now. I do think he was taking me for granted and being lazy thinking he had me wrapped around his little finger.

 

I plan to continue with not being so available and eager and let him pursue.

[grkn]

But if.. I mean when I HAVE moved on, then I can write it. atm It wouldn't be correct

Anyways, I will decide in the future when I'm over her.

 

Why are you so sure just no contact will work better? Where are the statistics?

[SuperDave71]

grkn,

 

All you have to do is ask scruff...he is a prize pupil of mine.

 

 

BTW...if you have moved on....you won't care to write anything regardless.

 

Get my point?

 

 

-Thanks Bud,

 

 

SuperDave71

[grkn]

The thing I'm "worried" about is, I've given her an ultimatum, saying that I don't want two way contact before she is ready to talk about the breakup and no longer blames me/admits her own mistakes. I said I would read it if she wrote something.

If I go for option 1, I don't think she every in 33 years will contact me since the ultimatum is still standing

 

Yes, I'll just wait and see how I feel at that time.

What I'm interested in is how dumpers in a situation similar to mine would react if they got the letter after 1, 2 months.

[BONO]

Yes, I'll just wait and see how I feel at that time.

What I'm interested in is how dumpers in a situation similar to mine would react if they got the letter after 1, 2 months.

 

 

I have been the dumper and the dumpee. I guess one of the reasons why the dumpee is represented on this forum so strongly is the emotioanal attachement to it.

 

If I received any letter/email/smoke signal/pigeon as a dumper two months ( which is only 56 days ) I would question the motivation. I would also perhaps see it as submissive. Being submissive tends not to be attractive.

 

However, if my dumpee was to be cool, NC me and say no to friends, through actions - rather than words, my head would be turned after 3 months or so.

 

Infact there is a school of thought to suggest the that the dumper can pretty soon be the dumpee if the original dumpee cuts contact. Then, it becomes interesting !!

[grkn]

If I received any letter/email/smoke signal/pigeon as a dumper two months ( which is only 56 days ) I would question the motivation. I would also perhaps see it as submissive. Being submissive tends not to be attractive.

 

Hmm, your case seems a bit extreme? If I write it in a sharp, witty style it won't look submissive, and it will signal that I -am- over her. Because, honestly, I don't think she will -ever- answer to my ultimatum, not in some years atleast