You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[finsjm]

I hope so - thanks

[Trex]

Why does it have to be SO HARD to stay away from the person we love with all our hearts?? I am on my fourth day of total NC after finding out my ex is seeing someone else, and telling her that now I need space. It is killing me!!!

 

I feel so much despair...

[SuperDave71]

Trex,

 

I agree with you. I have been in your shoes many times. It is hard my friend but you MUST rememeber...why on earth would you want to sit around "wishing" her back to you when it accomplishes nothing. You can do this...you can help yourself through this. If you need us...we are 1000's strong. We are here to listen if you need us.

 

 

Stay strong and I wish you well,

 

 

SuperDave71

[painterchic]

Hi Superdave you are my new inspirational super hero!! i love these posts they are keeping me strong when im on the verge of texting or phoning.

 

I got really really mad 2 weeks ago and rang him up at 2am to tell him i didnt want to see him anymore cos i was sick of the situation. (yes i was a bit tipsy but i had dutch courage). i told him i wanted this to be a proper relationship and he said if thats what i want i should go find someone else (ouch) and that he just wanted to friends. so i asked why he came round to my house all the time and he said for sex- wow. (this has been going on for 2 years bear in mind)so i told him he had never been my friend cos of the way he treated me in past (its true). then he said hed see me soon. i told him he wouldnt. i been strong with nc since then.

 

im starting to think that he has had a girlfriend all this time and has been lying to me for the past 2 year. it would make sense.

 

last weekend i bumped into him i was with a man (who is just a friend) he was really abrupt and bearly spoke to me but let on to the person i was with so i just left quickly then cried drunkenly to a man that fancies me ha. oh well.

 

the next day he text me to say it was funny seeing me (wasnt that funny ) then i replied very casually ( i know i shouldnt have broken the nc rule), he sent another text which i didnt reply to as he didnt apologise or mention mention meeting up or anything so i did right, right??

 

anyway what im trying to say is NC is the way to go

 

but i feel bad telling him not to contact me again i think i hurt his feelings saying we had never been friends. he has a hard time trusting people.

 

superdave i would appreciate any advice ur honour hehe xxx

[SuperDave71]

Painterchic,

 

 

I think you both need time away from one another...period. It sounds as if you guys DO care but you are both on the wrong page. Let time heal some old wounds and start and KEEP NC. I remember years ago, if I broke NC, I would add a week to it just for punishment. ( ha ha ) I know you can do this. I know you are strong and you care for him but if you don't love yourself, who the heck can ya love anyone else?

 

Thanks for the compliment!!!

 

 

Take care and let me know how it goes,

 

 

Your friend,

 

SuperDave71

[DCMann2]

Hi guys. My girlfriend of 18 months broke up with me out of the blue on May 9th, saying that her romantic feelings for me have faded.I did a lot of what I wasn't supposed to do (wrote her a letter, talked to her a lot over IM about our relationship, professed my love for her, etc.), but I'm realizing that everything I've been doing is wrong. We got into a fight a week ago (our first ever, actually), and I told her I needed a break, and that I'd get back into contact with her when I was ready.

 

A full week passed, and I kind of caught wind that she was interested in another guy, one who I don't think would treat her as well as I do, but that's not the point. The point is, I paniced, and reestablished contact, but I've been very careful not to mention the other guy, or ask about him when she mentions him to me about how she wants to hang out with him more and stuff. I'm kind of ignoring the issue, because I think she's trying to bait me into being jealous so she can stay mad at me. She's been acting kind of cold towards me, which I don't appreciate, but I don't really know what to do. I love this girl with all of my heart, and I'm absolutely terrified that she'll get with this new guy and forget about me and the times we had together. I want to see her very badly, and I was thinking about asking her if she'd like to see me sometime next month or in July, but I'm afraid that she'll say no. I'm just so confused as to what to do. I've never had a real girlfriend before her, and to be honest, I don't think I really WANT anyone else. Should I tell her that I want another break, since I don't like the way she's treating me, or should I just stop talking to her out of the blue, which runs the risk of making her angry with me and thinking that I'm being jealous and childish? Please help me!

[Leigh]

I would say cut all contact right now. Don't tell her you're doing it -just don't be there anymore. You cannot be her emotional pincushion everytime she wants an ego boost (ie: making you jealous etc.). What does SHE have to be angry about? How would SHE feel if YOU talked about another woman after so short of a period after the break up. (btw, DON'T DO THIS.) Do not feel like you OWE her contact. If she dates this other guy - all the better for you... That new romance will not overshadow the year and a half of memories that the two of you have together and she will be measuring this guy against you. We all know how we enjoy the familiar - she will have a tough time with the new guy just because he doesn't feel as comfortable as you. Let her sow her oats - cut your contact - let her wonder what YOU'RE up to and I believe, in time, she'll be back. You have to be patient though - your actions at this crucial time may ruin any chances of reconciliation later. TRUST IN LOVE - if it was real then once you're gone, she'll miss you... but you HAVE TO CUT CONTACT TO LET HER MISS YOU!!!! And DON'T MAKE FUTURE PLANS WITH HER FOR A FEW MONTHS DOWN THE ROAD. I was struggling with this urge as well, but at the end of the day, you're really saying that you'll still be there...you want THEM to think that you've got a life to live too - without them.

 

Good luck.

L.

[DCMann2]

I'm really confused now, though. We're talking now, and everything's going great. To me, she's acting like she did when we were together, and I'm getting very mixed messages. She even seems to be flirting with me, since she's playing with me and laughing a lot and stuff just like old times, and I'm extremely confused. We talked about some old times we had together, and she received those thoughts warmly, not become hostile at ALL, and I just don't know how to interpret this!

[Leigh]

I'm really confused now, though. We're talking now, and everything's going great. To me, she's acting like she did when we were together, and I'm getting very mixed messages. She even seems to be flirting with me, since she's playing with me and laughing a lot and stuff just like old times, and I'm extremely confused. We talked about some old times we had together, and she received those thoughts warmly, not become hostile at ALL, and I just don't know how to interpret this!

 

"I'm getting very mixed messages..."

The point is, hun - if she wants a relationship with you and fears losing you she will give you a VERY CLEAR MESSAGE.

 

Don't play emotional ping pong - you'll drive yourself crazy analyzing every message that she sends out. You need to make it clear that the ONLY message you want from her is that she WANTS YOU BACK...nothing less. If she's ready to cut you out of her life as a bf - don't let her have the benefit of your support as a friend. Cut contact - it'll be hard - but is THIS confusion any easier?

 

 

[DCMann2]

"I'm getting very mixed messages..."

The point is, hun - if she wants a relationship with you and fears losing you she will give you a VERY CLEAR MESSAGE.

 

Don't play emotional ping pong - you'll drive yourself crazy analyzing every message that she sends out. You need to make it clear that the ONLY message you want from her is that she WANTS YOU BACK...nothing less. If she's ready to cut you out of her life as a bf - don't let her have the benefit of your support as a friend. Cut contact - it'll be hard - but is THIS confusion any easier?

 

 

I think I fear losing her more than she fears losing me, and I tend to think that if I sever contact like you're saying, it'll send mixed messages to HER, and make her angry with me, which I don't want. I kind of want to sever contact, since I think it could help in the long run, but I'm not so sure how to go about doing it without screwing up. I think what I'm going to do is wait it out for the next several days and see how she continues to act towards me, and if I feel that she's just using me to make her feel better about herself, I'll sever contact.

[Leigh]

"I think I fear losing her more than she fears losing me, and I tend to think that if I sever contact like you're saying, it'll send mixed messages to HER..."

 

I know you're scared - and I'm going through the same thing as I'm only in week 1 of my breakup and I've been in LC - but it's so painful I'm switching to NC immediately. If our exes care, no amount of "anger" over us not being available to them will make a difference. If you don't think she cares about losing you the same as you care - then why get back into that situation? A relationship requires balance...anything less means that one person is always having to work harder just to feel loved. One of the reasons I wanted to leave my last relationship was because I didn't feel he was putting the same effort into it - and was taking me for granted. Am I petrified that cutting contact will just give him time to realize that life is better without me? No - because if he really, truly believes that then he doesn't deserve me! Remember that! I want love from a man and to find out if this person really loves me I have to cut all contact (he broke up with me). He might miss me and realize what he's lost. He might not. But I'd rather know if it's real NOW then after I've invested more years into it.

 

Sever contact - if she loves you she will do what it takes to be with you... Don't fear her anger - if she's angry then that means you have an impact on her still...let her wallow in that and figure out why it bothers her that you are no longer available.

[DCMann2]

How exactly should I sever contact, especially after the wonderful conversation we had last night? Should I just ignore her when she tries to contact me and let her wonder why I'm not speaking to her, or should I write her an email telling her that I can't handle being just friends, and that I no longer wish to speak with her? Also, should I tell her that when she's truly ready to speak with me, should I ask her to contact me, or should I just wait until she does it on her own? The thing that scares me the most is that she'll just think "He doesn't want to talk to me anymore? Fine, then I won't talk to him anymore, either," and that'll be the end of everything that I'm trying so hard to save. We've shared many great memories together, and we both loved each other very much at one time, but I'm just SO scared that she'll never contact me if and when I decide to sever contact between us.

[Leigh]

How exactly should I sever contact, especially after the wonderful conversation we had last night? Should I just ignore her when she tries to contact me and let her wonder why I'm not speaking to her, or should I write her an email telling her that I can't handle being just friends, and that I no longer wish to speak with her?

 

I'm not sure because every scenario is different. For many people, NC is the only way to go - but if you've continued contact with your ex then i understand why you think it will send the wrong message to just up and ignore her.

 

From what i've read on this forum on several posts... maintaining contact on the premise of only being friends is great - if you only ever just want to be JUST a friend. If you want to be more than that, then IMO you should become unavailable quickly... Thinking back to my own experiences with exes - even if I was just going the friend route with a guy, if he suddenly didn't have so much time for me (ie: unavailable, too busy etc.) that might be just what I needed to evaluate whether or not I wanted to lose him in my life.

 

What I'm saying is, you don't need to suddenly start ignoring her...always be friendly when she DOES make contact - but start to be out more often - begin ending conversations quicker and say you have something you've gotta go do.... don't always pick up the phone when she calls! Don't return every phonecall! Right now she KNOWS you're there for her (which means you can't be with someone else - which means there is NO RUSH to have you as anything BUT a friend.) Become more mysterious about how YOU'RE spending your time AND become less available. If she truly values your company, she'll know that she needs to move you up from friend status to regain your undivided attention. And if she doesn't value your time and doesn't want you around? Then you've got all the time in the world to find a person who WILL value you. Don't settle for anything less - you ARE NOT her safety net/ego-boost/pseudo bf minus ANY COMMITMENT.

 

Don't be standoffish, be nice - just make her VALUE every second of attention you give her by limiting contact.

[nate321]

Well i met this girl (whitney) about 8 months ago. I am in love with her very much and she loved me or least thats what she said these past 8 months and she showed it so i believe that she did. Well this past week she went out of town and we didn see each other on the weekend like we ussaly do but we chat on the internet and she told me that she missed me so much that she felt like she was dying and that she loved me so much.

ok so then the next week roles around and she acting kind of weird but so was i. i was a lil stressed over job issues. she is acting distant like when i talk to her, her response is just like one or two words answers there was really no conversation going on and i nocticed when she was talking to other peaple she was laughing and talkin back. so i confronted her about it. when i told her she was like really well we will talk about it later.

i told her that i was tired of hurting and i didn like expressing my feelings to her not know if she felt the same way but i would if i had to. when she wrote back it was bad she said " nathan i do love you and im scared of losing you but i think my feelings are changing. i just need some time and i dont think i need a boyfriend i just dont know what i want im not sayin we wont ever date again i just need some time." that hurt so bad becuz i love her so much.

well that night came and i know i done i all the wrong things i called her and we only talked a little. so i sent her an email i know i should not have done that i kept calling and kept emailing. sunday hurt alot so i called her agiian and around the end of our convo i started crying and i said "i just want to be apart of your life, and i want you so bad. there was really no response. that afternoon someone told me if you want her back dont chase her. so i havent called her since and it as now been a week but i have talked to hr a little everyday when i see her. i also got on the internet to night and i didn say nothin to her but she said hey to me and we talked and she was into the convo. but do i need to talk to her to get her back? and when she wants to talk how do i go about it. i am willing to do anything to get this girl back! any advice at all would help the most. please i truly love her and dont wont to push her away

[navigator2001]

SuperDave, your posts seem to be very helpful, and I was hoping you could take some time to respond to my situation.

 

My girlfriend recently asked for a break because she needs time and space to figure things out. The relationship turned long distance a few months ago, and I've never been that affectionate of a guy, so with those things added up, she said she just needs some time to think about things for the time being. She's stated she thinks things will work out, told a mutual friend she has faith we'll end up together, so I feel good about things.

 

Is it ever too late to start initiating No Contact. For the first 2 weeks after the BREAK (we were together for 3 years), I think I played my cards wrong. I called her up crying, begging her to come back, made very affectionate gestures (which was very unlike me), met her announced with flowers and a long letter talking about how much I loved her and how much I wanted to be be with her forever. All things I thought would show her how much I cared, but in hindsight, must have pushed her away further. For the past month since, I've called her about once a week, and the conversations have been much more controlled. I kept the convo to just "as friends", with no talk about the break. I was out of the country during the past month, so in addition to the weekly calls, I emailed her about 3 times, just with updates about the trip (I also emailed my other friends). And once I got back, I really started thinking about my actions following the break announcment, and sent her one final email stating how I know my actions following her request for time and space were inappropriate for the time, and that I respect her decision for time and space, I don't want her to think I'm going to be badgering her for a decision, I want to stay at least good friends, and that although I have faith things will end up OK, I'm prepared for the possibility they won't.

 

Now looking back, I feel my best move would have been to initiate No Contact immediately following her request for a rbeak. Is it too late to start this, or is there some better course of action I should follow? I just hope I haven't screwed things up too much. I never thought she would ask for a break, ever. She was always really into me, and I think my unaffecationate personality has finally got her thinking.

 

Another factor is that we both went to college in California, and afterwards I got a job in the area, and she went to grad school on in another country. She's from California, so before when she came home, I was around. However, I will be starting grad school on the east coast in a few months. So now when she comes home, I won't be around. So unless we get together soon, it seems that the odds are going to be against us. We won't be seeing each other much at all anymore, unless we make a conscious effort to do so. Should this change my gameplan at all? Or is minimal contact to show her I care still the best thing to do. Should I push for an answer before I leave California for good?

 

I can't help but thinking about the "What Ifs". What if I hadn't shown so much emotion in the beginning and played NC from the start. I just can't believe that after 3 years, it's come to these kind of games. The worst part of the whole situation is that I don't have an answer either way. We're on a "break", she's made that clear. She just needs time and space right now. At least if it was a clean breakup, I could begin to move on. I cant stand it...

[SuperDave71]

Navigator,

 

My philosophy on NC is if your going to do NC do it to the full extent. It is never to late to start NC.

 

*Remember* Don't tell an ex not to call...do not tell an ex that NC would be best....JUST DO IT!! Why? Actions speak louder than words.

 

Ask around the forum from those who have followed my advice before....

 

 

 

Good luck,

 

 

SuperDave71

[BONO]

Navigator,

 

My philosophy on NC is if your going to do NC do it to the full extent. It is never to late to start NC.

 

*Remember* Don't tell an ex not to call...do not tell an ex that NC would be best....JUST DO IT!! Why? Actions speak louder than words.

 

Ask around the forum from those who have followed my advice before....

 

 

 

Good luck,

 

 

SuperDave71

 

 

What if you tell your ex that it is best not to be friends ( in a very nice way ie upbeat and explaining that it prevents us from moving on ) and not to call, and then *you* back it up with NC ?

 

 

 

Scruff

[jchan]

hey scruff, haven't read from you in a while how things been with the ex?

[BONO]

hey scruff, haven't read from you in a while how things been with the ex?

 

 

Still the ex - Six weeks NC ( apart from the odd email wondering where some money is that she promised to pay me )

 

So all good !

 

Scruff

[SuperDave71]

Scruff,

 

**What if you tell your ex that it is best not to be friends ( in a very nice way ie upbeat and explaining that it prevents us from moving on ) and not to call, and then *you* back it up with NC ? **

 

 

Why would this matter?

 

What would you be doing if you tell ANYONE why you couldn't be friends? Nice or not? If someone (nice or not) told me they could not be my friend, I would be HURT no matter what.

 

I find that just DOING something speaks louder than "saying" it.

 

This is only my opinion..

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

 

 

PS. I hope all is well with you.

[navigator2001]

This thread has been a huge source of support for me in the past few weeks. Thank you to all.

 

 

SD,

 

I'm a bit confused as to the context behind this "break" that I'm in. Now in my opinion, there are 2 types:

 

1. A real break, where both parties take the time to grow personally, and evalulate what they really need and what they want in their relationship. It's a time to try and work out any issues and evaluate the relationship as a whole.

 

2. A way to phase a relationship into a breakup. Maybe the dumper wants to end things slowly rather than going cold turkey. Maybe they're too afraid to hurt you, so they try to end things slowly.

 

 

Now I BELIEVE that I'm in #1 kind of breakup. She's agreed with me that "we can work things out." She's told a mutual friend "I have faith we'll probably end up together." She's concretely called it a break where she just needs time to work things out. Only thing is she doesn't know what kind of timeline she's working off, and I don't want to push for one either.

 

Now the other thing is that as long as I think it's Break #1, my hopes are up and it's going to be tough to move on. I'll see her in around a month, a month during which I will attempt NC/LC (it would then be 2 months since she asked for the break), is this a topic I should address then (what kind of break we're in)? Because since this is now a long distance relationship, I may not see her in person for awhile afterwards.

 

What do you think I should do?!

[SuperDave71]

Nav,

 

 

I believe you can evaluate your own situation and go with what you have learned here.

 

The way I look at it....remember the things NOT to do. That will help you

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[andrewc]

Hi,

MY GF dumped me 3 weeks ago. We had an argument and I said some nasty things. As background we had dated briefly 3 years ago and a similar thing happened,yet she was the one saying nasty things to our friends that time, I broke it off and we spent almost 3 years not talking.

This time we lasted 1 1/2 years. I have just been through a rough 6 months,though no excuse. Loss of a child(previous relationship),loss of income,car engine exploding and a few other minor things. So I have been stressed,tired,moody,angry,sad ,yeah a whole range of emotions.

She said she could help me more from the outside than the inside and we would be friends.

So I being an idiot tried e-mailing,sending messages on mobile,crying,going to counselling to prove I could change and telling her I was so she knew.

This past weekend she said THAT's IT,she had reached breaking point when I suggested a couples counselling session to help us move on or get back together after facing our issues. She said SHE did'nt need counselling and we had to go on NC for a minimum of 6 months.

Now here is where it gets tough.We see each other at work,usually only once as we work on different floors but pretty much EVERY day.

So today as the first day of our NC I said "Hello How are you " and she said " Good and You " and forced a smile and I said "fine."

I have read al the post from 2004 to now. So it seems like the only chance I have of getting back with her is to go along with the NC and see if she comes back.

She either will or won't. I doubt she will,on our weekend phone call she said go and date other people and have sex. Like I can even think about sex with anyone else,ours was the best we had each had ,we always talked about how horrible it would be to have to have sex with anyone else again. Really we usually said that once a week!

 

So I ask you . If I play it cool but polite am I totally being an idiot for thinking she will call or e-mail and ask me back? It's kinda funny as she was in the same situation when I dumped here that few years ago and I never called her. I met someone else ,soon after and dated them for 2 years. But that was an accident waiting to happen and never worked out. Just as well.

This girl is someone I have loved for 15 years and viceversa.Maybe we would be better friends but the chemsitry between us is electric,so it's hard when we are close to keep our hands off each other. She even said last week could I not go out to our favourite hang out ,because if she saw me she would want to have sex.

 

I am really just venting.I know I have to try and move on and keep with teh NC. It's her birthday in 4 months and all I can think about is should I send a card or not. Rather than just get through today.

 

So thanks for listening ,if anyone has an thoughts I woudl be happy to hear them

 

Regards,

 

Andy.

[SuperDave71]

Andrew,

 

The best thing to do is BE YOURSELF. Worry about you and the rest will fall into place.

 

If you put so much thought into improving yourself....maybe you wouldn't be worrying as much.

 

Take care and good luck my friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Jammin24]

Hi All

 

Thanx for the excellent thread, really helped me out so far. My story is a bit interesting, in fact its the one that led me to this thread!!

 

So here goes: Three weeks ago to the day my girlfriend of about two and a half months (we dated on/ off before for 3 years and we just made up after a 15 month break) tells me she wants some time-off to sort herself and figure things out as she was having 2nd thoughts about getting back together with me. This is after two and half months of pure joy and pleasure. During those two and a half months we had one big fight as she lied to me about not being involved with anyone during the break and I had to find out by accident. I forgave her for the lying and we agreed to work on our relationship.

 

Now after she tells me that she wants time-off to sort herself out, we had an hour's worth of conversation where I wanted to find out if this was just "some time-off" and not an excuse to break it off completley. She insited that it is just her having to get herself sorted and nothing else. Immediatley after that, I initiated NC as I wanted to respect her wish for some time-off.

 

Suddenly last week wednesday(MAY 31st 2006), I receive a text from her telling me that she feels like I want nothing to do with her, where I politley replied that it is not that I want nothing to do with her and that all that I was doing was respecting and honouring her request for some time-off! I ended the text message by telling her that to me contaccting her during this time off will be disrespecting her and her wish for some time-off.

 

Now I also have a child from a previous relationship that I see twice during the week and once over the weekend.

 

Today (June 7th 2006) I get the following mail from her:

Hi

 

I know this is not the appropriate thing to do, but I know if I had to call you I wouldn't have said what I needed to say. When we got back together I've never seen you so happy before and I told you I don't want to hurt you ever again, but I did & you forgave me & believe me I don't want to hurt you again, but for some odd reason it feels like I'm letting you down in some way for asking you for time out which makes me feel like I'm hurting the both of us in the process. I really want to see you happy & somehow for the life of me I can't understand why the mother of your child has such an impact on me, maybe I'm allowing her to. Don't get me wrong, I've accepted the fact that you've got a child with her, but I don't trust her or you when you spending time with your daughter. You might think I'm selfish but at the end of it all I need to do what's best for all of us.

 

I love you with all of my being babes. If I could take the hurt & pain away right now that I'm feeling I would but I can't. There's a saying that goes: "if you love someone & you want to see them happy, you should set them free & if that loves comes back to you, it's meant to be". I'm setting you free *** cos I just can't bear the pain any longer.

 

P.S: My heart will always belong to you.

 

Love

****

 

I really love this woman, but at the same token I have to accept the fact that she may not want to be a part of my life anymore all I want to know from you is how do I handle this official break-up as I am really taking it hard and had to take the rest of the day off due to shock!!

 

Please help as I am desperate.