You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[Rivpt]

Thanks Superdave, it's so true. although i'm not denying i'm still in love with her after all this time...the more time that goes by i am opening my eyes up to the negative things that went on for so long. one of these things is the fact that she is extremely self centered and only does things for her own benefit. that is why i have felt "strung along" for such a long time...because it makes HER feel better about the breakup and moving on. if she doesn't feel guilt then everything is fine for her...well screw that. i didn't answer her texts, and i didn't pick up the phone. i heard her voicemail saying that she didn't like being ignored and even though it was in a "cuddly" tone, didn't call back. i've lowered myself for too long...and i don't hate her or anything like that, and i realize i did nothing to spark the breakup. she has issues, and they became too much for her and instead of running into my arms she ran away from everything and everyone in her life. her family is dysfunctional and it has screwed her up royally...i tried to help, listen, do whatever the entire time we dated...but it was too much.

 

i'm nobody's doormat, nobody's backup plan, etc. i am doing everything i can to get to the point where i can have real feelings for someone else so that this situation i've been involved in for the last 3 years doesn't affect me for the next 3 years.

 

thanks for taking the time to read my post dave, it means a lot. you give great advice and i can't say enough about the motivation you give people in this forum.

[kate111]

Kate,

 

I can get another guy. But I'm 40, and I'm tired of giving up and moving on to yet another guy who does the same crap. I'm thinking that it's too late for that at this point; I've got to figure out what really went wrong and learn to repair the relationship I've got instead of tossing it out the door. Then again, this isn't a relationship at this point, is it? Whew, I'm tired of the whole thing. I think I'll take a little break from thinking about it.

 

I'm glad you're there to give me a kick in the pants when I need it.

 

Curlygirl,

 

Perhaps you haven't met the right person yet. Or perhaps you need to take a critical look at yourself and work out what you were doing wrong.

 

Perhaps you were one of those people who "lost their sense of self" in a relationship. By that I mean that you stopped doing things for yourself and instead lived for the relationship. (I know I have been guilty of this in the past). If so you need to impliement some changes.

 

The thing with this particular guy is that he is really saying he doesn't want to be with you exclusively. Is that something you can accept? If not you need to stand your ground and do no contact and hope he has a change of heart. IIf you stay with him and put up with this behaviour of his then you are not being good to yourself. Reading the thread on "the perfect plan" may help you.

 

Otherwise you will have to cut your losses and move on (again! I know it sux). Take up a new hobby or two, get fit and go out as much as possible.

[Lucky_721]

Perhaps you were one of those people who "lost their sense of self" in a relationship. By that I mean that you stopped doing things for yourself and instead lived for the relationship. (I know I have been guilty of this in the past). If so you need to impliement some changes.

 

my gf...err psudo gf or what ever it is....anyways she said she lost who she was (basically the same thing as what you are saying) and that she needed a break in order to figure that out. do you have any advice for me concerning this issue? she says she needs time and space and im not sure what she means by that but i have been following Dave's advice and sticking with no contact the best i can. do you have any ideas?

[kate111]

Hi Lucky,

 

I think that sometimes people who "lose themselves" in a relationship tend to take on the friends and activities of their spouse instead of nurturing their own independent lives and activities. After awhile they can feel tired of this and ache to break free as they feel repressed and bored.

 

Alternatively, sometimes they can lose their sense of self as a result of feeling controlled by the other person as well, then they just want to escape in the end.

 

Or else they can't take a relationship past a certain commitment level, they feel scared and feel the need to run away and start afresh.

 

I think sticking with no contact is the best idea in all of these situations. It is the "cure all" strategy.

 

Make sure you rediscover yourself during this no contact period. Start exercising, buy yourself a new wardrobe and take up a hobby.

 

Make sure that when she does make contact (and 99% of the time they do) you have a couple of interesting new things to talk about, and that you sound happy by yourself. This may attract her back.

[Lucky_721]

thanks for the reply kate. im not sure what to say to your ideas. i agree with them but i dont know which one applys to my situation. i would say the second may be most correct for she and I. she told me when she wanted this break that she felt like i was controlling her in some ways. but i dont think she wants to get away because she has made it very clear to me that she doesnt want it to be over and that this break is not the end. so right now im giving her what she wants and she has all the time and space she wants. im still unclear as to what that meas because she has 150 miles between us and i dont know how much more space you could want. she may want emotional space and i have been giving her that but it just hurts me alot because i miss her. i dont want to do anything that could make the situation worse and so i have just been focusing on me and doing my own thing. its hard not to think about her and think about our situation and how it doesnt make sense to end it here and now. i wish enough time would pass that i could get some kind of answeres from her but i know that is not possible and it may not be even what she wants in the end.

[kate111]

You are doing the right thing. Allow her some time to think about things and do your own thing.

 

It sucks just waiting I know. But it is the most respectful thing you can do right now.

[curlygirl47]

Kate,

 

I've had NC since Monday, and I've been doing fairly well --- fewer of the anxiety attacks and a level of depression that is mostly manageable. I'm going to see the doc on January 30 and get on some meds to help with the depression and insomnia, which have been an ongoing problem long before the break-up with this ex. I was happier during our four months together than I have been in many years, and I guess that's the hardest thing to take --- going back to the lonely misery.

 

Anyway, you're probably right, and I am doing some of the things you've suggested. I've been running/walking about 4 miles each day, and I've been reading a lot of good books and spending some time with a (girl) friend who has introduced me to a new friend --- not a possible love interest, but a man who is older and wise and reassuring and has lots of good advice to give about what a good man really wants from a woman.

 

I also come into work even when I'm off and just check my e-mail and piddle around a little around the office. The biggest temptation I'm dealing with right now is wanting to call a fellow who likes me and will spend all the time with me that I want, but whom I know I will never be serious about. I don't want to lead him on, but I also am about to go crazy being alone and missing physical closeness. I ran into this fellow's mother recently, and she said he doesn't have anybody in his life and would love to hear from me. It's been about six months since I've seen him. I guess if I do contact him I'll just tell him up front what's been happening in my life, and let him know that if he wants to spend some time together, we can, but he should know that this isn't long term.

 

The fact is, if my situation doesn't radically improve in the next three months, I'm leaving town --- leaving the state, and going back to my home state, where I at least have some friends and will be closer to my family. I don't want to stick around this town and have to run into my ex out with somebody else. Man, I am whining so much I can't stand myself. Please give me an update and what YOU've been doing. It's got to be more interesting.

[OCD]

Hi Curlygirl.....don't worry we've all been there. It is hard for the first month at least. Heck it's almost 5 months for me and I still have my moments, but let me tell you it does start getting a little easier. My problem was that my ex started contacting me after the first month, at first I thought it was to work things out, but it was more as a comfort pillow, or good friend thing just to check up on me....This made it a thousand times worse. I asked her to stop calling me because I was getting hurt. So, for the last two weeks I've been upset with myself for cutting her off, not letting her call me, etc. Even though I know it was the right thing to do...You have to look out for yourself. So I haven't received any calls from her in two weeks and sure I've been thinking about her and if this will make her miss me even more...I've done all I could for this girl, if she wants me than she really had her chance and blew it...maybe down the road it might happen, but for now I'm healing, going through the whole upset with her thing, upset with myself, asking 'why' questions, blah blah. What I've done is start to talk to as many girls as possible to get my confidence back up, even though I still compare them to my ex...hoping I'll meet someone that really takes my mind off things and will love me the way I should be loved. I'm a caring person and have plenty of love to give...I just wish my ex would see that and see what she threw away. I hope this makes you feeel a little better. Take care and hang in there.

 

OCD

[kate111]

HI Curlygirl,

 

Don't worry you won't always feel like this. You will start to feel better in a few months.

 

I advise you not to call this guy you are not attracted to. Its mean to him and what goes around comes around. Better to keep your options open for meeting someone really special.

 

Good to hear you are exercising. How about taking up a new hobby to meet people. Why not start to learn a new language at night school? Do you like any kind of cars? Car clubs are a really good place to meet new men.

 

My life is fine. I first joined this site as I was miserable after finding out an ex of mine was dishonest (I won't go into it here- you can read my posts from ages ago if you are really interested) so I decided never to see him again and did no contact. I ignored his calls, and disappeared off the spectrum. I felt horrible for the next 6 months or so. I met someone new (who I now live with) and he is an absolute doll, treats me with respect and love and hopefully we will be together for a long time (if not forever).

 

I really hope you meet someone like I have Curlygirl. These kinds of men DO exist. Don't give up.

[curlygirl47]

Well, I've starting reading Dr. Wayne Dyer's book "You'll See it When You Believe It" and continued to write in my journal and exercise and go out to socialize at least for a little while each day. I couldn't pay my phone bill, so now my phone won't be in service for at least the next 8 days --- I guess NC won't be a problem. Of course, my ex could call me at work or come by, but will he? Never mind that. I'm about to go to lunch with a friend and then head back home to put on the sweats and go for the daily run/walk. I think I mentioned earlier that since my ex abandoned me, I've been thinking strongly about moving back to my home state. Well, I've been slowly moving in that direction, packing up my books, taking art off the wall, and slowly depersonalizing my environment so to disconnect with the idea of this being "home." I think I want everything to be ready to go except for the bare minimum I need to survive so that when the time comes, I can just load up the u-haul and go. The weird thing is that I can't possibly go until May, so why am I doing this now? Logically, it doesn't make much sense, but emotionally it seems to work for me right now. It gives me a packing up and shutting down opportunity --- a virtual closing off from my ex and from the happiness we've had here. But it sure does look weird, coming in the door to my place and looking at empty walls and boxes full of my stuff. Am I going crazy? Just 8 more days until I see the doc and get an anti-depressant and whatever else I need to get my steady. In the meantime, it's oddly satisfying to pack up my stuff. I'm even ready to give up/away all my videos, cd's, books, etc. Clean the slate and start completely over.

[kate111]

Curlygirl,

 

Watch out with those antidepressants. Only take them if you feel you really need them.

 

You are doing well. Perhaps you shoould move back to your home state. Is there anything keeping you where you are?

 

Every time I have had a serious break up I have always had the urge to take off and go somewhere random and you know what? The change of scene did work wonders for distancing me from my relationship woes.

 

So maybe it will work for you as well.

 

Have you paked up and put ut of sight everything that reminds you of this guy?

[curlygirl47]

I have had a problem with depression on and off almost since I was born, due to violence in my home, etc. I finally got on Zoloft a few years ago after four months of agony from another breakup; normally, I rally, but that time I didn't, and I was in danger of giving up on life. The Zoloft helped so much; I stopped having the tidal waves of sorrow in the morning as soon as I woke up, and I just generally had more hope and energy for life. But I gained so much weight I finally quit the stuff about a year and a half ago. Now, with the bad depression triggered again by this recent loss, I think I'd better have some help again. It's pretty bad at night; I don't sleep at all, and I have obsessive thoughts, and I even tried to hurt myself a few times last week --- nothing serious, but just the same, it's not healthy and I don't want to keep spiraling downhill.

[curlygirl47]

I have a really really good job, making more money than I've ever made. I doubt I'll get a job like this one again. Moving back to the home state means moving in with an ex (R.) and depending on him financially until I get on my feet --- the idea of which will make him happy but scares me. On the other hand, I don't think I can stay here with the way things are. I know you are thinking get a grip, but there is nowhere else to stay if I go back home. And selfishly, I do think about how he loves me and nurtures me and will take care of me. I have never done this before --- I have always lived on my own since my divorce eight years ago. But at this point I am feeling really unwell and I think that I need R.'s love and support. The only other choice is to stay here and stick it out while trying to find another job somewhere, and as I said, I won't find one like this one.

[Blured]

-claps-

Wise words. However, someone who has a broken heart wont listen to reason, they'll do it anyway.

[kate111]

Is staying with an ex a good idea? Surely there is some other way. If you need his love and support maybe you should stay nearby to him.

 

Is it possible for you to make a compromise and take some time off from work and go for a holiday back home to work out what you want?

[curlygirl47]

No --- there is definitely no other way. I have no savings and would have no job, unless I find one between now and then. Even then, I would have to have a little time to save enough to get an apartment, etc. Yes, I could take some time off work --- take sick leave, actually, and go for a visit. But the only reason I even want out of here is because of losing the ex and not wanting to see him out around town and long for him. Maybe these feelings will fade some and I will consider staying here.

[healinginnyc81]

curlygirl, I would say you should try to wait out the hurt before making a decision like that. I know it's really tough to see the ex but you don't want to make big life changes because of him.

I'm in a couple of classes with my ex and I see her a few times a week with her new guy. It's been almost 2 months and I'm just starting to feel better and I can concentrate again and do stuff I like doing. I long to be with her when I see her but I know the feelings will go away and I do my best to avoid seeing her as much as possible.

 

I think even if you moved, you would still be dealing with the grief for a while so it wouldn't make things that much better. I know when my ex first broke up with me, I started going through all my options of colleges to transfer to. But it would have been really hard on me, and I read somewhere that the first few weeks after the breakup, it's not a good idea to make any big decisions because it's really hard to think rationally.

You're going to go through some tough times but it will pass, and you will get stronger and you'll be able to handle seeing your ex around.

[curlygirl47]

I'm reading yet another book, Positive Solitude, and here is a passage for us to think about:

 

"In stressful situations, most animals exhibit the well-known flight or fight syndrome. They will either stay and do battle or attempt to escape. Humans are also adapted either to fight or flee. Intense loneliness is more closely associated with the propensity to flee. The anxiety of being thrust into a new life, not knowing where the next feedback fix may be coming from, can be enormous. Often your physical surroundings will evoke unhappy associations, and you will feel compelled to escape. The urge to flee is a primitive urge that during a loneliness crisis needs to be rationally considered before expensive commitments are made."

 

On the other hand, another pitfall is "passivity. Making no changes in your life at all can be harmful. To visit the same old haunts, stick with the same friends, keep the same interests --- these pursuits may be necessary for you to maintain some sense of equilibrium and continuity for a period of weeks or a few months, but eventually you must realize that life is now different, that the decisions made during and for the relationship no longer need to be made or should be made. Activities once enjoyed together may not be as fulfilling for the self alone. They may even be occasions for mourning or wistful remembering. At a certain point you will want something more fulfilling for yourself."

 

This is one of the big problems about living here in the same small town as my ex. There are only a few choices about where to go and what to do, and if I go anywhere, the likelihood of seeing him is very high in the near future.

[kate111]

It is your choice Curlygirl and only you can decide what is right.

 

I think if you were able to take a month off from work and go on a holiday you may feel able to cope with seeing your ex around when you get back.

[lonelyfish]

Curlygirl,

 

I know staying in the same town as your ex must be extremely difficult for you. But I don't think you should make that the determining factor in deciding to leave the town that you are in, especially since your job seems to be making you well off. I would at the very least try to find another job before you make that move. I don't live near my ex but I have been wanting to make a location change for myself for quite sometime now. All my friends are married with kids and I feel like I'm the only single person stuck in suburbia! I have a great job that pays well. As much as I want to give it all up and move to a new city, I'm patiently trying to be smart about it and I'm waiting for the right opportunity to come along before I make that move.

[curlygirl47]

I went out last night to a bar that my ex frequents (and that we used to go to together) --- because it is very quiet in the early evening, and I can pretty much sit by myself in the back, watch TV (which I don't have at home right now), and just have the pleasure of observing people and listening to background music, etc. Just getting out seems to help me. I made sure my ex's truck wasn't there (he usually doesn't go out until later in the night), and then I just prepared myself mentally in case he arrived alone or with someone else. I planned to stay for about 30 minutes-hour, have a diet coke, and then go home. This way I take a low-moderate risk, I let myself be seen in public doing okay without him in a place where everybody knows the deal, smiling and looking my best, and I can still run home pretty quick. Well, the ex never came in, but some other people asked me to stay and hang out, play pool, sing, etc. and I did. I stayed until 11:30 and had a pretty good time! I danced and talked to some men, but I felt zero interest in dating anyone, so when they asked for a number, I told them I wasn't ready to date at the moment, having a little heartache right now. So, I survived the night at an "ex shared spot" --- it will make me a little stronger for the next time I "might" see him.

[healinginnyc81]

I'm very happy to hear you had fun without the ex. You're much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I hope you keep getting stronger.

[Pikey1972]

Yes, excellent news curlygirl: keep up the good work!

[curlygirl47]

I'm getting into a routine of going home from work, doing my walk, relaxing a bit, getting a shower and going out for a bit. It's kind of a comforting routine. Sometimes I go to my (girl) friend's house for a while or even spend the night. She's really the first close friend I've made here besides my ex, who was basically my world outside of work.

[kate111]

You see Curlygirl, there IS strength in you yet.

 

Good for you for being brave enough to step outside your comfort zone and try something new.

 

You are doing well. If you can get through this month doing no contact the worst will probably be over.