You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[OCD]

Well SuperD, I might have made a mistake... I did try to call her last night. That was my 3rd call in 4 months...it was pretty late and after finally deciding on what to do I thought a brief call wouldn't hurt. It was pretty late and I only called her cell like she asked me to do. She was probably sleeping by the time I called her and left a short message "Hi T-----, it's OCD, I must have called too late, but I'll be up for a little bit, so call me back if you get this message, take care."

 

So it has been 4 days since we had that long talk...after some mixed advice on calling her or not calling her, I figured that I did ask her if it was alright if I called her to start talking again...she said yes. So that's why I called. She hasn't returned my call yet, but we'll see what happens tonight....the ball is in her court now. She was always never very good at checking her messages so I'm not surprised if she didn't even hear the message. I just wanted to see what you thought. Thank you.

 

OCD

[coooolsome]

OCD, I dont think you messed up. Just dont call her again. She has to know you called b/c all phones have the "hey you missed a call" type of message. Just let her get back to you.

[lonelyfish]

OCD, don't dwell on it too much. I'm sure she we call you back. Just like you she is probably going to be a little cautious so don't start to freak if it takes her a few days to return your call. You seem like you made a connection again with you last phone conversation with her. If for whatever reason (though I think unlikely) that she doesn't call you back then she is not worth your time to be getting involved with her as she is still really confused. A normal happy person would return you call, it's only decent. Just be patient!

[OCD]

Thanks Cooolsome and Lonelyfish,

I just felt like I made a wrong move just because I don't dial that number much any more, you know? I've only dialed that number 3 times in the last 4 months so I had butterflies in my stomach....I was out most of the night so that kept my mind off of stuff, but when I got home I just felt like I needed to call her...Oh well, as far as she knows I'm just cool as a cucumber right now....we all know that's not the truth I'll try to take it easy and keep my mind off of it, if she calls cool, if not....well I'm doing all I can. By the way, yes we did make a connection on our last call....I'm pretty sure we both felt it and she didn't even want to hang up....so we'll see. I'll keep you all posted...thanks for your pointes of view, I really appreciate it.

 

OCD

[coooolsome]

OCD, you are doing great, the last thing you want to do is keep calling her. Remember, take 1 step for every 3 she takes. You called, she knows and will call you back if she wants.

 

My ex contacted me for the first time in 3 months and I told her I had to leave. I talked to her couple of days later and we talked a little on AIM and she told me she would call me later on in the week. She never did and the thought of calling her never came up.

 

If she wants to talk, she will call. If she doesnt, then she wont, dont worry yourself about it. If she asks why you didnt answer or call back sooner, just tell her you were really busy and you called her when you got a chance.

[GreatGuy]

Man I gotta tell you all, just take some time away from all this drama and just look at it objectively (even for a second). You might laugh at it all!!! (lol) Trust me this whole thing is silly, its a dance and you either lead or you get lead (i prefer to get laid but that's another story). One thing is for sure you are alive and breathing, focus more on you and how great you are and keep doing positive things. Dwelling on them give them too much power over you, but being too cokcy is not the right attitude either. I believe BALANCE is the key, improving your past-self for a greater future-self begins with THE NOW-SELF,you. So stand up, realize you're on a mission, be confident and think positive. AS my councelors always says" surround yourself with a shield of flowers", its you life live it and do not worry about controlling theirs.

[lonelyfish]

Great post GreatGuy!

[OCD]

OCD, don't dwell on it too much. I'm sure she we call you back. Just like you she is probably going to be a little cautious so don't start to freak if it takes her a few days to return your call. You seem like you made a connection again with you last phone conversation with her. If for whatever reason (though I think unlikely) that she doesn't call you back then she is not worth your time to be getting involved with her as she is still really confused. A normal happy person would return you call, it's only decent. Just be patient!

 

Thanks for this Lonely.....I was just reading over your reply again....I'm trying to be patient for that return call. I suppose I just got a little excited after that call we had last Wed. She agreed that she wanted to start talking again to work things out. I did say that we needed to go slow and that there shouldn't be any pressure...I also didn't like the fact I had to leave her message on her cell. She's not very cell savy and didn't usually check her missed messages or voice mail. This was an issue when we were going out for almost 2 years.](*,) It was just a thought....should I just hang tough and not call her again?? Thanks alot...

 

OCD

[lonelyfish]

If she asked you to just call her cell phone then she should obviously know how to use it. She seems like she is wondering about what you have been up to, this would give her every reason to check for any messages you may have left on her phone. Today is only Tuesday, hang tight. She'll probably be getting anxious for her ucoming surgery and feel the need to contact you. Lets just give it some time and wait for her to call. Relax, I know its frustrating for you but so many of us are envious of you right now having the ex seeming like she may be interested in you again. You totally have to keep your cool or you'll risk messing things up!

[OCD]

Thanks Lonelyfish....I appreciate it...I hope this all works out for me and everyone else that comes to this forum. I just hope I can be a success story to give some sort of hope out there to everyone going through heartbreak. I'll try to be a little patient and stay cool...that's what I've done the whole time, keep cool. It's so hard to just not spill it all when I talk to her....I really hope she does call before her surgery, I'm really concerned for her and it's eating me up...that's why I'm a little anxious....Thanks again.

 

OCD

[coooolsome]

OCD, you really need to relax. You shouldnt stop moving on. Remember, dont have any expectations. Dont stop doing the things you were doing while in NC. Women love confident men. What makes you confident? Well not hearing from her in 5 days and you not calling makes you confident. You not caring what she does makes you confident. Try to stop overanalyzing everything. She knows you called. She might just be busy. You have gotten so far, dont let something like this set you back.

 

My ex told me she would call me last tuesday she would call me later on in the week. Well nothing since then. I just shrug it off and figure she is either busy or she doesnt want to talk. Thats her loss b/c I am freaking awesome to talk to and an awesome person.

[OCD]

Cool man,

I hear ya...thanks, I'm trying to chill out over the whole thing. Thanks for setting me straight. I have come too far to blow it now. Thanks alot!!!

 

OCD

[Lil Punkin]

OCD, COOLSOME is right on the money here.

 

Remember..it was NOT the pleading, begging, over analyzing that got your ex to start calling you again...

it was the aloof, mysterious, CONFIDENT..MOVING ON OCD that got her to start calling you again. Remember that. I think that a thing that MOST people fail to remember is ALL the hard work and effort they invested in their emotional healing..all at the expense of spilling their guts at the first sign of life from an ex who dumped them. DON'T DO THIS!!!!!! Keep things in perspective here. Anytime you think of calling ....or of getting weak...remember those 3 or 4 months you cried and beat yourself up, hoping and wishing for just ONE phone call...was it worth it?? She STILL hasn't said "Let's work things out" OR "lets get back together". You are starting to hinge your hopes on these little crumbs of hope she's feeding you. If you're depending on that to get you through, I am sorry to say ...you're going to end up starving for more. I KNOW it's torture..but it's NOT your place to make things happen now. Just do as you've been doing....stay busy and stay strong. You can do this!!!

[canuckhead]

Here's a good piece of advice (for guys).

When someone breaks up with you...first, theres some good news and some bad. The bad first: It is over for now and at least the next year or so at the very least. Girls never tend to come out and say it is over and please leave me alone unless they really mean it. You can't make her listen (without breaking laws and looking very unsexy and desperate.) You can't really do anything except fight every urge to contact her, at least for a long while.

 

The good news is that there is a spark of hope for the future and you are in the perfect position to make it work for you. You need to increase the sexy factor and decrease the creepy factor. (We all do! Not you specifically.)

 

Why the perfect position? Because there are a few things that most girls really respond to. Most important is- do not look desperate. If no other girls would look twice at you, she definitely won't. So (and I know this might seem impossible, but try it as an experiment,) DATE! And do so at least once a month. Do not stay inside except to study. This will keep you from focusing on her and increase the likely hood of her hearing how great you look and how you were having fun with some girl. Girls will ALWAYS think twice when another woman thinks you worthy. She says to herself "wait, maybe I over reacted..."

 

Make sure to study and more than usual. Why, girls are hardwired to go for a guy that is protective, smart, and with the capability to succeed. Look and become the guys- guy. Insist on respect and never be anywhere you are not wanted and valued. Act as if you deserve respect and you will get it.

 

You don't have to be a gorgeous stud, but you do have to be her biggest wonder or what if guy. So to sum up the goods for attracting girls, I give you a quick list of the top turn ons: success, confidence, brains, protection, guys who other guys respect, guys who other girls want to date, guys who could take or leave them but are not disrespectful, honest guys who never over attach until it is mutual, and guys who have a hobby or access in something that is unusual like motor cross, travel, movie lots, art, concerts, knowledge of the best club bouncers...

 

Then when you have defiantly increased the sexy and decreased the creepy, you may call her... BUT- only if u feel ur really ready. If you see her keep your cool. You can smile and cut the conversation a bit short and look wistfully and comment that she still has it but, oh well, her loss too. This is the only hope. If she seems receptive (laughs a lot, looks at you through the top of her eyes, touches you at all, or lingers consider asking if she wants coffee before you split again. But even then keep it short. Always leave em wanting more.

 

Play it right and she will think fondly of you forever at the minimum! Play it as I said and you probably won't even care with in six months.. There are millions of ladies out there and there never will never be an easier time to hunt down so many your own age. Once you are out of college it will get very different. The average guy marries whomever he is dating about 1 year after graduation BECAUSE it is SOOOOO tough to even meet people.

 

Don't Call and either study or exercise each time the urge to overwhelms you. Everybody lucky enough to have felt love and who didn't settle for the first experience and person who they happened upon , has felt what you do now. That is where all of our responses come from and we know how horrible it feels. But each day is one day closer to happiness. Make a life for your self and make it a good one... it is the sweetest revenge and a sweet aphrodisiac!

Ya hear me!?

[OCD]

Thanks Lilpunken,

Yes, I'm sticking to my game plan...all my ex knows is that I'm getting over things, I'm cool, not begging, and not calling her all of the time...so far that is what has been making her call me for the last two months. I never call her and I didn't always pick up her calls. I'm trying not to read too much into what she told me last week, but it was all positive stuff. I'm just trying to go forward and see what happens. Thank you.

 

OCD

[Lil Punkin]

WOW Canuck....

 

Now where are the tips for the ladies????

[lonelyfish]

You don't have to be a gorgeous stud, but you do have to be her biggest wonder or what if guy.

 

That is great - I think we all aim to be that!!!

[pilot1ab]

Hi all,

I have been reading through this thread from the beginning. I have now gotten about half way through it. Your success stories, as well as strength and support for each other have given me at least a slightly less bumpy road. I really need some of your support right now. I am in a really dark place and see no light on the horizon. I wish I could do NC, but its not even remotely an option right now. I will explain more of this in a bit. If I could just briefly try to tell you my story (I have started a thread in another forum so I will try to keep this short....sorry if it gets long).

 

I am 2 months out of a relationship that lasted a little over a year. She was the love of my life. She was my heart. She was the blood that coursed through my veins. As many others have experienced, I thought everything was going great. I thought I loved her as much as any human could love, and everyday I loved her even more than that. She was very good to me, and the most kind, sensitive, giving person I have ever met. She was "the one". I have been waiting and searching for her my whole life, and I had finally found her. Like I said, things seem to be going just great. Then something traumatic happened to her. I can't say what, but it caused her to just shut down. She broke it off with me 2 months ago. I was just thrown back. Just a few days before, we were making more plans for our future. She had just said how lucky she felt to have someone like me, and how all her friends are so jealous of her. She was still showing me all the love she ever did. Then wham, she tells me she doesn't have it in her anymore. She can't give back, in love, what I give to her. She said she just can't pull out of her any emotions or feelings and although she still loves me, she needs me to move on.

 

I was crushed. I pleaded with her to let me help her through whatever she's going through. Let me be there to catch her and hold her. I even suggested counseling for her and I would go. I told her I would do whatever it takes, and I am willing to fight for this relationship and her. She just said, she doesn't want anything right now and for me to just go out and find someone else. I don't want anyone else. These last two months have been hell. I have shed so many tears, and am fighting them right now as I type this. I love her so much and want her back so bad. I haven't slept more than 2-3 hours a day, unless I purposely try and just get drunk. I have lost weight, as sometimes I will go days without eating a bite.

 

Anyways, I am glad I found this forum. It helps me through days when I feel like I may not be able to make it. As much as it hurts me, I know that No Contact is the way to go. I am in a bad position right now and I can't do no contact. Here's the problem. We work together, and before we at least worked different schedules, and opposite weekends. We deceided about 6 months ago to purcahase homes in a city a bit far from where we work. The area was nicer, and the housing market was much more affordable. We talked about buying something together, but then deceided we should buy separate homes for now, and maybe in a year sell our houses and buy something together. Well to do this we transfered to night shift so we could do the reverse commute to and from work. Also we were able to get the exact same schedule. Stupid, I know but at the time neither one of us thought anything could ever break us. So now we work 12.5 hour shifts together and do a 3 hour round trip commute. We work 4 days a week. Whats even worse, is that on nightshift our department cuts the staffing level to just two. So its just me and her, it puts us in even more contact together. I have tried to look for another job, but am running into dead ends. Also I have been at my current job so long, that I would take a very significant pay cut going anywhere else. So I am stuck. I cannot do the No Contact thing.

 

It kills me because she seems ok with everything, and my heart is ripped out. It makes me feel like hell. I want her back soooo bad, and the first few weeks after the end, I did everything SuperDave and others said not too. I begged, I pleaded. She was very sympathetic and genuinely wanted to help me, but she doesn't feel the same anymore. After that I just acted. Its so hard and there are days I know she can see right through it. I act ok. I act nice to her, but I don't make myself as available as I was before. She seems ok with this also. At work I try to avoid her as much as possible, even holing myself up in one of the empty offices. See in our job, we may be running the whole night or may have significant periods of "down time". It is the closest to no contact I can get. It is so hard to do, I want so bad to tell her how much she means to me, how much I love her. I want so bad just to hug her. I am stuck. I wish I could just go No Contact period.

 

Sorry this post got so long. I am emotionally and physically exhausted with all of this, and I am sick of feeling like a whiner. Any help, advise, support would be greatly appreciated. Also if you guys and gals don't mind me posting on this thread, I would like to just be able to get this out to someone. Thanks all.

[yme]

pilot1ab

 

Hope you find what you are looking for here. I am afraid to say that this thread seems to have turned into a personal forum for one person's problems. I posted a couple of days ago, and had one reply.

 

I suggest that you open a new thread, it might get a better response. Every time I look the whole thing revolves about one person's plight over whether or not to break NC.

 

I have thought about opening a thread myself, but fortunately, I have found a few other sites. I wanted to believe that there was a chance of winning back my partner of 21 years, and, like you I am guessing, found this thread and believed that there might be hope.

 

Wherever I have looked for empathy ('coz that's why we are all writing in for) I read that I must accept the fact that it is over. Accept that fact and you can get on with your own life. If, after an undefined period of self adjustment, the EX does contact you and asks for a reconciliation you will be a better person for having made the adjustments to your life, and you might choose NOT to allow your EX back into your life. If you do, you will be more like the person the EX first fell for, and not the whining, dependent sap that was dumped in the first place.

 

There is no quick fix for a broken heart, you must face it with stoicism. You know the saying, I'm sure... There's no gain without pain. After a period (how long depends upon you) the sadness, sorrow and loneliness will be replaced with anger. Anger at your EX having put you through what you are going through. The time will also come when it is easier to remember the final days of your relationship, and the arguments and fights come to the fore more easily than the cuddles and companionship that you misss in the first place.

 

After anger comes the new you. You will find that you do not spend so much time thinking about the EX. It never goes away, but it gets easier to deal with. You will find that you start to enjoy being in the position that you can take or leave your EX. THEN is when you migt becontacted, and you will be better able to say yes or no.

 

I THINK that is what SuperDave is/was trying to say. I took two days to read this thread and followed each post, hoping that there was some simple formula to follow. I imagine that you are looking all over the worldwide web for answers. Being in the UK I was able to do a UK only search and came accross this.

 

I guess we Brits are lucky, in that such events in our lives are accepted as genuine reasons to consult our doctors who take the condition as a real medical threat to our well being, apart from just anti depressants and sleeping tablets.

 

I hope that you don't feel too annoyed at my reply. I understand your feelings, as I am only 4 weeks into my break-up, but there IS only one person that matters to you now, and that person is YOU. I had been looking for words to help me and came accross this...

 

You can't change people - you can only change YOU and how you re-act to people.

 

I believe that is the only way forward for people like me, you and everybody else that reads this thread in search of the magic formula.

 

Good luck, and I hope you don't have to suffer as much as I did before I decided to work on ME!

[pilot1ab]

yme thanks for your words. Actually my original intention was to see if anybody could suggest anything for my situation. I would like to do NC, but can't, so I really wanted to see if someone had any ideas. I guess I went on a rant. I was feeling really bad earlier. Anyways thanks again, this thread helps me quite a bit.

[fantasia2004]

wow If I had not seen it I would not believe it.The power is in you superdave!

 

Use it and use it well

 

fantasia2004

[SuperDave71]

Merry Christmas Fantasia2004...

 

 

Nice to see you again by the way!!

 

 

 

 

-Friends Always

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[fantasia2004]

the same to you Super DAve!

 

Even though it is bad karma or might be a sign of weakness, I tried to reach out to say hello to my ex but was not successful. I love him dearly with honesty but I would like him to forgive me. Oh well!

God bless you too SD, happy holidays!

[hopefulwife]

Do you know what a safety net is? She doesn't want you right now....but she is holding on to you none the less. The calls, advice..etc etc.. She needs you. Now, if you want a better result....Stay busy. Do not answer the phone. If she calls, don't answer. I even had my ex calling and said I was walking out the door....then said I would TRY and call her back later. What did I do....I went to the front door and walked out....then walked back in the house and wallowed in self pity...but at least I didn't lie. This girl needs to know what life is like without you completely. and I mean completely. Stop the phone calls and all communication.....You have in your head the idea that "out of site, out of mind..." Not true.....Trust me on this one.....

 

Superdave,

I needed to read this today. My situation is a bit more complicated because I'm married, and my husband is with another woman right now. I am certain he views me, his wife, as his safety net.

I'm trying the NC approach now, and hoping this will help matters. I'm not ready to throw in the towel on my marriage just yet.

[Lady Bugg]

Hopeful Wife....

 

I respect your approach to save your marriage. It says a lot about who you are...someone with a lot of morals and integrity. Something many people today could use more of. You sound very stable...which is probably a BIG reason your husband is "on the fence". However..it could be this exact reason your husband is not making a move either way. He sort of KNOWS how you are..and that you're going nowhere...and while that is a POSITIVE thing...it may not be in YOUR best interest to be there for your ex while HE "sows his oats" with this other woman. Youmaking the decision to NOT be a doormat or be walked on does not make you the bad guy here...if anything you have shown as much integrity in this situation as anyone could show.

 

It is ultimately YOUR decision what you want to do...but please remember

that YOU are the wronged party here..and considering all thats happened, no one could blame you for deciding to not give your ex another chance.

 

I hope whatever happens..that you have a happy ending. You certainly do not deserve what is happening to you right now....and I hope you have a great holiday