You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[lonelyfish]

OCD-

 

Glad I lifted your spirits - that's what this post is for! Keep on keeping on my friend!

 

Lonelyfish

[Mix Maxster]

coooolsome,

 

congrats! That's good work man and it's so great being in that state of mind isn't it?! Next work on grabbing yourself a girl, unless you got one already!

[coooolsome]

Yeah, that is my next goal. I really havent been trying just b/c I dont want to get into anything while im not over my ex. It wouldnt be fair. But there are a couple of prospects that I might go after in the next couple of weeks.

 

How has your situation Mix Master? I have read some of your older posts and just curious as to how you were doing.

[keefy1972]

OCD I'm glad to see that you got out of your downer mood okay, and lonelyfish was right, that is what this site is for. Come here to express yourself and receive the proper empathy that we all need right now.

 

I'm just curious here...how many of you have lost your ex because of their ex? Like because they're in the middle of a divorce, just went through a divorce, are still hung up on their ex, or went back to be with the ex before you? Seems to be a popular and recurring theme here. That fact in itself should provide hope for everyone that's hoping for a reconcilliation. It should also ease some people's worries about being forgotten during NC, afterall, we are all certainly worthy of being remembered!

[OCD]

Thanks keefy...I actually got the nerve to call her today...it's on another thread. I made out pretty well and just staying positive...last night was pretty rough on me...I'm glad everynight isn't like that, whew!! Thanks again.

 

OCD

[Rickster]

nope lost her cause of the long distance relationship

[tiger1607307314]

Hi SuperDave71,

 

Could you tell me then how one would go about giving space, doing all that stuff that is meant to be done, when you still live together??

[kenbo]

I'm just curious here...how many of you have lost your ex because of their ex? Like because they're in the middle of a divorce, just went through a divorce, are still hung up on their ex, or went back to be with the ex before you? Seems to be a popular and recurring theme here. That fact in itself should provide hope for everyone that's hoping for a reconcilliation. It should also ease some people's worries about being forgotten during NC, afterall, we are all certainly worthy of being remembered!

 

It took me a couple weeks to read thru this thread and I wanted to wait until I finished it before posting. Dave, you are truly super; OCD, I found hope and inspiration from what you are going thru, and everyone else has helped to keep me on NC. I originally found this site when my gf broke up with me a year ago and posted a thread under Relationship Commitment:

 

I did the usual idiotic no-no's that worked against NC because I too was guilty of thinking with my heart as opposed to my head. If you read thru the thread you'll notice periodic lapses because I gave up on her, walked away from her and unknowingly did NC myself- not because I felt I could get her back but because I felt there was no other alternative. You know what? She came back…she missed me, realized what she lost, and we tried another go at it. Each time she came back she said she finally "got it." Each time she came back we got closer, and each time we got closer she ran away scared. Each time she Jekyl-hyded me I thought I learned my lesson. Each time she came back she convinced my heart that this was the last time she would do this, and a few months later the viscious cycle would repeat itself. Ms. Jekyl was the love of my life…the "one" I was going to marry and she felt it too. I suppose that's why I tried so hard to hang on to her and had so much faith in her ability to see past her issues and grow from it.

 

When we first started dating she said it was 6 months since her last long term bf of 2 years. Earlier this year that changed to 3 months, and from reading in her journal that extended into the first several months of our relationship. I've come to suspect that I've been the rebound in her last relationship, and also suspect this as one of the reasons why we had so much trouble trying to stay together.

 

I focused on NC thru all the breakups this year, and it has been working for me each time. Each time she would come back on her own and "get it." My NCs typically lasted a couple weeks- the longest ones stretched to 3. One month ago she did it to me again, this time for the last time according to her, all because of her infamous gut feeling again. This last time was a kicker…I reverted back to idiotic no-no's…late night texts, flowers, e-mails. A couple weeks ago I hit rock bottom. I was downtown sulking in alcohol with a sympathetic buddy and she was in the same area with her friend. We never crossed but her friend unknowingly pulled into a parking spot right behind me in a 13 level-3000 car garage…how's that for irony? Equally ironic was our 3-week NC threshold that day, and so she broke NC and texted me. I was being short and aloof, but we both agreed we missed each other and were on the same wavelength. Still depressed, I dropped an E next nite to try and escape. I didn't know what to expect and got scared of the side effects…not knowing who to call I jibberishly texted my best friend- my ex. She was reluctant at first but quickly came over to keep an eye on me. She stayed overnite and we ended up making Xtraordinary love. The next day she was nonetheless determined to stay the course apart, deny her feelings for me, and aggressively date other people…this hurt, knowing that she loves me but feeling no future in us. We did, however agree to try and be friends. It worked for about a week, almost reverted once, but we were loving it because we really truly enjoyed each other's company. During our time together we were inseparable.

 

Things came crashing down when we bumped into each other at a local bar last week where she was throwing a party for her roommate. She apparently had her game on, and took my chance presense there personally. She apparently hooked up with someone because she NC'd me a few days later (she typically does this) and I've had anger-driven NC ever since.

 

What was the purpose in telling you my rant? Perhaps I'm ashamed to go back to the other forum, but more than ever I came to this thread each day for the past few weeks for strength and inspiration. The fact that she's kissing and/or sleeping with random people while still having feelings for me is painful, hurtful and insulting given all that we've been thru. I am confident that I will be the standard against all the chumps she dates going forward, but I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. I'm now using NC truly for myself, not to get her back. I don't think I want "that" back.

 

No more drugs…still heavy on the bottle and EnotAlone, but rage and anger are my buddies now. I've lost 15 pounds and the gym has made me lean and mean. The holidays will surely be rough on me, but I am better prepared on taking care of myself now (and not her) compared to a year ago. Thanks guys…I will probably show weakness on nights and weekends but I know I have your support.

[keefy1972]

Kenbo you have all of the support you need right here. I'm not much on preaching but we all know that when we are dealing with our situations, whatever they may be, hitting the bottle only makes them harder. Please try to find strength within yourself to get through this. You may be trading in one dependency (her) for another (the bottle).

 

It's great that you've been working out like a madman and using your frustrations and anger in the correct manner. Exercise does do wonders for your body and confidence. Keep that up buddy!

 

It's funny that you say you tried the friend thing and it lasted all of about a week. I have the same problem. I have to see her a few times a week because we work at the same place but I've never really given NC a chance. I'd see her one day and give her the obligatory nod and smile but otherwise go about my business. Then, a few days later, I would see her again and I'd be all weak and revert to my wimpy ways. It got to be pretty pathetic. Short of quitting my job to avoid seeing her, I sometimes wonder if I can ever be strong enough to not give her all of the benefits of a boyfriend without her giving anything in return. By benefits I mean compliment her, amuse her and make her laugh, going out of my way to make her feel good about herself, and confess my undying love for her. All of that only to get nothing in return.

 

The sad part is that she has told me that she is happy being back with her ex and, if he asked, would marry him and spend the rest of her life with him. What else do I need to get angry enough...to be able to think clearly enough to see that it IS over!! It's hard to accept. I'm feeling everyone's pain in here tonight.

[kenbo]

She was showing signs of reverting back...realizing our love and friendship were intertwined- I was trying to sell on this concept. If she didn't throw that party I think she would be back in my arms again, so perhaps it was a blessing in disguise. More than anything it was the fact that she had an opportunity to date someone else and didn't let go of my branch until she caught hold of another. With all that went on in her past she constantly needs to be with someone. What better way to deny/kill her still-strong feelings for me than to pre-occupy her mind with someone else?

 

She is hoping we can be friends one day, just as I am with my ex of 7 years. She wants all the bf benefits but without the commitment. She wants the selflessness I give all my friends and family. She wants her buddy back someday...I wanted my buddy back too up until yesterday, but honestly I put too much into this one...it may not be possible this time. Perhaps after the love is gone I will reconsider.

[SuperDave71]

Kenbo,

 

 

Regardless if she threw a party or not, the only thing that truly matters is what is in her heart. If people mislead you on purpose, or lie and manipulate someone in ANY way....it is still wrong. People do not revert back. I understand what you are saying but she was showing signs of receprication. I would leave her alone for a while. If she doesn't know what she wants...why waste your time and effort trying to convince someone of something they have no idea what it is? Make since? Work on you .... you have all teh control in the world over you and that is all that matters right now.

 

 

Hang in there

 

 

--SuperDave71

[keefy1972]

Crossed paths with my ex today, for the first time all week, at work. Just walking by one another in opposite directions. When I saw her she was looking at me, so I gave her a smile, head nod, and said, "whats up"?. I kept on going and didn't look back. A little while later I received an e-mail from her at work that said, "Hi, You can come over to me to say 'hello' instead of just in passing. I don't bite. I may have some time around 1:00pm if you want to get together for lunch. If I'm available I will let you know. Have a great day!"

I replied with, "Well, I took note of the time and, well, I know how you get when you feel pressed for time. At least I got to see you with your hair down again ."

 

She replied back with, "It's a mess today. It looked good yesterday though". I didn't reply to that one, I simply deleted it because that was the most obvious fishing I've ever seen.

 

A few hours later I get another e-mail from her that said, "It doesn't look like I'm going to be able to make it at 1:00pm. I'm sure it will happen next week though. Have a great weekend". I replied with, "You too".

 

Although it was contact, did my replies have any bites of indifference? That's what I wanted. How did I handle this (I know, I know I shouldn't have answered her at all, but since I did, did I do okay)?

[OCD]

Kenbo,

I'm really happy to hear that my story touched at least one person and gave you hope and inspiration...that's wonderful to here. I'll keep you posted how it turns out, but for now I'm going to stricked NC for various reasons. Good luck to you my friend.

 

OCD

[SuperDave71]

Great job Keefy!

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Dogg]

this is for superdave, whom after reading this colomn or his posts, I feel like I need only to speak with im but I'll take advice from anyone willing to give it. for my backstory you can read all my posts, I'm not gonna write it all out again, but this is the nutcracker. I did NC for two weeks then i called her juyst to say hello, it unfortunatley ended up getting into a convo about us and it ended by her finally stating that "I just do not want to be with you" very nasty and cursing and mean. We were together for three years and i truly thought that I would marry this girl. anyway, last night she called (one day after the other call) she said that she was sorry for the terrible attitude and that she did not want to leave things on bad terms but that she still feels that she just can not do this right now and that she does not think that we are good together, that her heart is not in it anymore and that she is not sure whether we will ever be together again. I am heartbroken of course. I loved this girl like crazy and would climb mountains for her. What do I do, should i just give her all the time and space in the world? should I go into strict NC? I'm really hurt and confused, this break up really came out of the blue originally like a swift kick in the nuts. My mind is reeling from it, and i miss her terribly. i do not wanbt t o mess things up and lose any chance that we may have of being together with her. is there anything that I could do at all?

[keefy1972]

Thanks Dave! Coming from you...that's a good thing!

[SuperDave71]

Dogg,

 

I am sorry for your heartache..let me answer you by answering your questions with a question... Do you truly love her?

 

What did she tell you on the phone? Would you want someone to continue to love you and hurt if YOU told them that you could not reciprecate?

 

 

With that said.... Strict NC is the way to go..The resoning behind this is because she TOLD you exactly what she is thinking ( for the moment ) The breakup is new....let it sink in for her. She needs to know what life is like COMPLETELY without you...and I mean COMPLETELY. NO CONTACT...do you understand what I mean by that? I mean NOTHING!!! You said you would climb mountains for her.....well lets see how well you do with NO CONTACT .... You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You might not understand what I mean right now....but trust me....When you do understand..you will start to smile from ear to ear.

 

 

-Good luck my friend!!!

 

 

I will post again when you update me ok?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Dogg]

SUPERDAVE YOU ARE THE MAN!!! i hear you loud and clear when you say that i "have nothing to lose and everything to gain." I never thought of it that way. even when I did Strict NC for two weeks i did not see it that way. I DO truly love her, with all my heart and I did and DO think that she is the one, but its obvious to me that now, she feels otherwise. I WILL do NC in full and completeness because I do want to give her what she needs, but I do hope that she wil see what she is losing and then realize what we did have. I love her enough to be able to do that...I will keep posting without a doubt. Dave, you truly are such a wise person...I am thankful that you exsist and are so willing to provide your guidance yto those of us in dire need...

[SuperDave71]

Dogg,

 

You have to remember...2 weeks seems like a long time....but when you look at it as 14 days out of 30 ( a month )...it doesn't seem so long. Its not the amount of time..its what you DO with your time. Look at this time as time for yourself. **USE IT WISELY**. THE MOST COMMON MISTAKE ..IS WALLOWING IN SELF-PITY...doing so so will only delay your progress and could initially cause you to make a stuid mistake ( Call her, text her, etc etc) This is a test of will...not a game. If you truly love her, you will give her EXACTLY what she asked for......she wanted away from you. Sooooooooooo...leave her alone....and I mean ALONE. You need to let her miss you. NO texting, calling, drive bys, e-mails, NOTHING. If you do...you are only prolonging the process. You can do this,...I say..If you do this starting RIGHT NOW....within 3 weeks she will she will try and communicate with you in one way or the other. Don't tell her your intentions...JUST DO IT. Let her wake up one day and realize..."Hey, Dogg hasn't tried calling me today!"....It will sink in....especially if you had a good relationship. A loving relationship in the beginning is the core....now you can use the time and knowledge to heal yourself as well as learn from other's mistakes. You can do this,....Keep posting so we can keep up with your progress. If you feel weak.....feel free to post so we can help you through tough times.

 

 

Take care my friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[AC874]

Dave,

 

Whats happening in your situation?

[kenbo]

Dave,

 

I've been wasting my time because I guess I put too much faith in her ability to learn from herself. Whenever she came back she managed to convince me that she finally knew what she wanted...me. It seems so cut and dry: if she can't recipricate why have I been sticking around. A friend thought she saw her with her new guy and that set the tone for the rest of my day. Last night was so tough...I hung out with a lady friend last nite who's been interested in me for a while. She's pretty but not my ex...it was a good distraction but I couldn't start a fire if my life depended on it. My anger and rage turned to sadness and self-pity. I resisted driving by her house and texting her, and forced myself to sleep after reading this thread for a little. To add insult to injury I had multiple dreams last nite about her...unsettling.

 

Dogg, you're going thru the exact same thing I did early on and over and over again. Stay strong.

[Enn]

How do you do NC when you work with someone and see them every day? Will they miss you if they SEE you, even if there is no contact?

 

Have done NC for six weeks - we had to be 'top secret' as he had seen another girl in the office. When she'd stopped being angry with him he pursued a friendship with her, despite the fact I (I really like her) felt unable to as I wasn't being honest with her and she kept confiding in me, saying he was an idiot etc. Additionally, I didn't tell him she'd said he was an idiot as I thought he'd think I was being jealous. In the end (I felt he was paying her more attention than me) I said I was sick of the situation and he got angry and appeared to dump me but then sent meaningless emails all week. These stopped suddenly when I told the girl...she was furious. At least this girl and I are friends...

 

Since then he's not tried to speak to me though I've had loads of meaningful looks when we're out together in the pub after work. If I played his game I'm sure I could get back in the situation I was in before, but it's crucial to me that HE makes the effort. My colleague is his friend and says he's been crying over it and said three nights last week he was going to ring me. He hasn't. I'm not sure if he means it or he's just trying to get sympathy off his friend. (He's always after sympathy). What do you reckon?

 

God this man's got serious problems! Why do I like him so much?!

[keefy1972]

Enn, it seems as though you and I are in somewhat the same boat. I'm guessing, because I don't know for sure, that what we need to do at work when we see them is to be as cordial and polite as possible. It's very hard but we must treat them the same way we do anyone else we work with. Smile and say hi, acknowledge their presense, but never allow it to go beyond the scope of the job. If he tries to get into a "personal conversation" like what you've been up to or anything, either change the subject back to work related topics, or simply end the conversation with a polite, "Well, I gotta run".

 

I've been trying to do this NC thing with an ex I work with and have allowed it to drag on for a very long time. It's very hard to pull off and I've not been able to do it. We can do it though. I'm certain of that!

[OCD]

Hi guys,

I just thought I'd drop a line today for a quick update. I'm starting to think less and less of my ex, but I'm still thinking of her. I'm getting out more and stopped all contact with her...I haven't seen her and she hasn't called so I really haven't put it to the test. I am wondering if she'll call for Thanksgiving? Last year at this time we were getting ready for a big feast which I help prepare, I love to cook. This year it won't be as special and I do feel kind of down about that. If she does call I hope I can be strong and not answer if that is the right thing to do...time will tell and everyone that knows me says to NOT PICK UP THAT PHONE!!! Tons of people that really care about me, family, friends, coworkers, lots of people all agree that she hasn't been very honest and has been pretty selfish through this whole ordeal. That does make me feel a bit better...SuperDave71 really helped me early on with the NC advice and it really worked, for me and my ex did finally start calling. Once she started calling and I finally decided to pick up is when I did have that shread of hope that she'd want to work it out...after asking her for coffee twice now I guess it's not ment to be...SuperD or anyone else out there I just need a little encouragement to get me through this upcoming week...perhaps that she might turn things around or if it's even possible and that I should be strong with NC...I'm getting out like I said and have met a lot of girls just over the last coupe of weeks, it's very weird but to give hope to others, yes there are millions of people on this planet and there has to be someone that will treat me/you better than are ex's have been treating us lately...perhaps it's that I've been working out really hard and building my selfconfidence which has made it easier to talk to other people?? I was in a relationship for almost 2 years, very good times so it's strange to get back into that dating mode, I'm just trying to be really careful though, because there are some crazy folks as well as really good ones. I'm not doing anything serious, but just trying to get over my ex and perhaps down the road she'll see the happy me and regret what she's done...that's about all I can do...thanks for any advice that has been given to me and wish me luck that I find that specail person or that my ex figures out that we had something special....If I don't hear from you all have a great week...don't eat too much Turkey

 

Thanks SuperD for all of your help through this!

 

OCD

[Dogg]

hello Superdave and everyone else,

 

Well I am heeding Dave's advice and have gone back in to strict NC and I have been alright I guess, I mean I do think of her Quite often and everything, but its actually easier on the weekends cuse i have a lot of things to do with friends and what not. My question is, The holidays have always been extremly important to her in every way, she has gotten in many fights in the past with me about how imprtant they are and how spending time together is just the way that she wqants things and the way that they SHOULD be. Anyway, being that I have more or less been in NC since the breakup three weeks ago, aside from the recent conversations that I had mentioned in my other posts. How should I handle the holidays, I have always pretty much spent them with her family at thier house for the last three years. Also, aside from thanksgiving and christmas, her birthday is coming up (december 8th) as well as our anniversary (december 20th). I guess I really do not know what to do? I had plans of sending her a birthday card, is that OK? I was not going to write anything over the top or anything about us, just that I wished her a happy birthday and that I miss her, is that ok? Also, should I do anything at all for our anniversary? If I should, what? what about Christmas? New years? etc...? Also, Dave, if you have any ideas as WHAT exactly I SHOULD write in a card to her, I would really appreciate it, advice from you and your thnking is always so sound. I truly do not know what to expect of her if anythinig at all during these times. I do not know if she will call or anything because the only time that she has called me at all since the breakup is that one time which I posted about where she said that she felt bad for one of our talks in which she blatently told me that she didn't want to be with me any more and began cursing and being really nasty (see my other posts for more...) other than that, she has not tried to contact me at all really. I do want to follow your advice dave about strict NC because I do really want her to see what life is like completely without me, but the way that she is, she may get extremelyangry and upset if I ignore the fact that the holidays are upon us as well as her birthday. I am also quite interested if whether or not she wil contact or try to contact me. I guess I'm just really hurt and confused about what to do, especially about the situations and dates that I mentiooned above. I'm seeking some good advice from dave mostly, but I'll of course take into account anyone's efforts to help guide and support me in these times, but Please dave, I need your sound clear advice on these questions, I do not want to do anything stupid! Oh real quick too, like I have stated numerous times befroe, I was very close with her family, is there anything that I can do in regards to them? Please help...