You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[SuperDave71]

Remember this

 

 

 

 

For every door of happiness that closes, another one opens, but

sometimes we

are too busy looking at the closed door to notice.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[lulu04]

Thanks for the wisdom, superdave. i am having such a hard time functioning, though. I feel like I'm getting worse rather than better. I don't feel like eating or doing anything. I'm even starting to have trouble at work. I'm posting here because I really want to call him right now -- i just want things to be how they were. I think about what I had and it makes me ill to think that it is gone. I lost the thing that is the most important to me-- the thing I cared about the most and now I feel like I have nothing; all I have is a job and I'm burnt out on that. I really feel like I need to understand how he could treat me so cruelly after 6 years -- and why?? nothing even happened prior to him leaving. I mean, i know he is numbing himself with alcohol, but doesn't he have to feel something at some point?? it's consuming me. please help.

[SuperDave71]

SOMEONE GRAB THE DUCT TAPE FOR LULU04 Pleeeeeeaaassseeee!!!!!

 

 

 

 

HOLD HER DOWN!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

- SuperDave71

[Echo]

LuLu... This is going to be a little harsh....

 

I think you need to put things in perspective here. First..go back and read your initial posts...you said you treated HIM like crap during the beginning of the year...I hate to say it, but that tends to have an affect on people. You DID have something to do with his feelings changing. You need to take responsibility for YOUR actions....and YOUR part in this whole breakup. Your ex did not just out of the blue change his feelings....most likely it's been gnawing at him. You cannot treat people like crap and just expect them to absorb it or NOT react. Truthfully, I probably would have done the same thing your ex did in the end.

 

Right now...you need to focus on YOU and work on the issues within YOURSELF so if you DO get him back, you can reslove them. Don't spend your time pointing fingers and placing blame. Take accountability for yourself......and let your ex lick his wounds. Time WILL help..but without resolving these core issues...you can forget a suucessful reunion.

 

That said..I hope you're feeling better...

[lulu04]

I'm sorry, echo, but i don't see where it says that i said I treated him like crap? I did say how he cheated on me back in college & did drugs & drank excessively...and I was there for him. Maybe I typed something wrong or my words were misunderstood? I have been very good to my ex, and have stayed with him through incredibly difficult times. I have never cheated, never lied to him about anything major, nothing. I have been encouraging & supportive throughout, helped him back into school, helped him straighten out his credit, etc etc. The only thing i had a problem with was that i was depressed. and so was he. I am now in counselling. he is drinking. I'm not saying I am faultless in this relationship, no one is, but I don't know where you're seeing that I treated him like crap?

[Echo]

My apologies LuLu...

 

I was thinking you were another poster....my bad.

These posts get confusing......

Anyway...be strong...try to do NC for a good solid month..you WILL feel better I promise.

Again sorry about the confusion...

[lulu04]

that's ok. i was confused, though!

[L8RISER]

Lulu,

 

You didn't lose the thing you care most about in this world - YOURSELF! Why waste time and energy on someone who won't give it back? Spending time and energy on yourself is a far more rewarding investment.

 

I know how it feels when the memory of your ex doesn't match up with the current reality. A break up permanently changes how you see the other person which is why it's so hard to make a second chance work. I think getting back together can only work if a short period of time has gone by, and without major incident. I guess that length of time depends on you. For me it's about two weeks. That isn't to say I stop missing them, or even dreaming about being back together, but that too much damage has been done.

 

If I got back together with my ex now (month and a half) eventually after the euphoria of being back together wore off, the resentment would start to bubble up. How could that person drag me through the mud for that long, only to come back and say "oops"! They had to do that to me to realize how good I was? Should that have been obvious when they were with me?

 

If the break up happened for reasons that are impossible to change (like age difference in my case) then no amount of effort can make it work the second time. If on the other hand it was a "fixable" issue then you have to ask yourself, why the h*ll didn't they stick around and work it out instead of bolting and leaving you standing there by yourself? If they bolt instead of dealing with issues, are they going to stick around next time? I know that he hasn't told you why he broke up with you. But what I'm trying to say is that what ever his reason it was either "unfixable" or "fixable". Either way the end result is that it has screwed everything up beyond recognition. Going back at this point would be harder than pushing forward. Breaking up adds to issues, it doesn't sort them out.

 

For me the way to deal with a break up is to completely remove the person from your life (maybe not forever, but after 6 years I'd say at least a year - but that's up to you.) Changing the locks is good...how about changing you phone number too? NC isn't just about you not communicating with the ex. It's also about preventing them from communicating with you. If they are feeling bad without you, let them suffer! Don't allow them to have your love in small portions when they want it, and only when THEY want it. HE should miss you.

 

Everyone feels like their break up is somehow unique. "Yeah, I know that's what happened to you, but my situation is different...", and so on. Really, all of us are just statistics. We have all been through the same ups and down, experienced the same feelings and thoughts, done the same crazy stuff. What your are feeling is totally normal. You'll get through it. Everyone does.

[lulu04]

L8RISER--

God. thank you. that was such a nice post, it made me feel better. you've got some writing skills! I know I keep forgetting the awful things he's done and focus instead on all of the good. I think my self-esteem never healed from the first time he cheated on me (5 yrs ago) -- i never sought counselling or anything & I think that is making it so much harder for me now to feel like I am capable of making it on my own, capable of finding something better. I see so many people cheating, hurting, lying to each other that I just don't believe there is someone out there who won't do that to me. As far as the NC goes, the thing that really makes it difficult is that he left me with all of the financial burden -- we are in a lease together til may & the rent is more than i can afford, plus a multitude of other bills. If I hadn't been with him, I wouldn't have made the financial commitments that I'm now stuck in. So the last time he called, he said he wanted to give me some $ & I ignored it b/c i didn't know if I could handle him hurting me anymore if I was to see him. He said he might just leave it in the mailbox, but he of course hasn't. Unless of course he tried to come over & drop it in the apt while i was at work & discovered the locks were changed! I would think that would upset him enough that he would call me, but maybe he just went on his way. of course, no one knows the answers to these questions,but I don't know how to proceed. I don't even want his money b/c I feel like he feels hes being a "good guy" by fulfilling this part of his obligation. ON the other hand, i need it & am entitled to it. I hate this. Anyway, haven't heard from him since I ignored his last calls. I wish I wasn't expecting to. I wish I felt like I had something in my life to look forward to or get excited about; everything seems very dark right now. sorry for posting so much, it helps me to write & to hear from others. thanks for your help to all you nice people out there.

[fantasia2004]

Remember this

 

 

 

 

For every door of happiness that closes, another one opens, but

sometimes we

are too busy looking at the closed door to notice.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

 

 

good point

[Echo]

LuLu...

 

Post as MUCH as you need to!!! There is ALWAYS an "ear" here to reply to you. It has helped ME greatly. I went through so many back and forths with doing NC...but I finally had enough and have done NC for just over a month. I feel much much better than I did. You will too..just hang in there.

 

As for your bills...you ARE entitled to what he owes you for that. Is it possible for him to do a direct deposit in your account so you don't have to talk to him? Really the less contact the better....

Would you consider a roomate to help you out with the expenses? Please do NOT feel tied to him for financial reasons, or let him use those as reasons to come in and out of your life.

Keep posting...we'll help you throught this!!

PS..and I promise to remember who you are from now on!!!

[lulu04]

cute.

ok, i do think i'm spending too much time on here! whatever. I live in a one br, so a roomate is not an option. I can't believe how much of myself I have lost in this without realizing it until now -- seriously, I don't know what to do with myself. I used to be a very tough chick, back in my day!!! I lost that somewhere along the way. Also, I've never been through a breakup like this before, as i've been with him since i was 20. I've been going out w/friends after work, but a lot of times I feel so sad even when there that I'm not connected, and then I feel guilty for being a drag. i'm normally a very funny, silly person, at least in social situations, so i feel bad about this change, too. and that I'm letting him affect me like that. The problem with my job is that it is only nights & I have my days free. I used to occupy my days taking care of him, doing nice things around the house, getting groceries, etc, and that made me feel good. and now I feel like I have nothing to do. i was lost about my career path before this happened (so was he -- that's where a lot of tension came from) and now I feel even more pressure to figure something out -- and quick! -- so that I feel better about myself. he mentioned one of the few times we talked that he felt like this was "the only thing in his life that he had any control over." and i keep thinking about that statement -- he's telling me he's f****** w/ me. straight up. i just wonder how he can feel good about himself, especially getting drunk each night? here's a picture of my ex:

So I have technically been doing NC for over 2+ weeks -- but he said on his message that he "got my message & was returning my call" -- what do you guys think about this? why did he say that?? i never called him. RAR!!! angry.

i'm glad i found this place. hopefully someday soon i can post some support for someone else.

[Echo]

You are NOT on here too much! You are going through a traumatic breakup!! You were with this guy a LONG time!! Don;t think you're being a drag with your friends..I am sure they understand! Chances are they don't know what to say to make you feel better..and HOPEFULLY they do try to make you feel better, or offer some comfort.

 

Hmmmm as for the living situation....If you cann;t afford the bills on your own, or can't get a roomate..I would TRY working out something with him..maybe where he pays you either through direct deposit for his share of the bills or something. At least until your lease is up....he owes you that much for jetting on you, leaving you holding the bag. That's just a jerky thing to do.

 

I hope you keep posting till you feel better....we'll help as much as we can...

[lulu04]

Ok, here i am again. So, totally not expecting it, my cell rings on the way to work & guess who it is? the ex. yes. i didn't answer, but the whole thing put me in knots again. he left messages both here & on the home phone about how he was wondering if i was ok, letting me know "he was alive" (thanks, dude) and then he said on one message that he wished things weren't the way they were and wanted to try to "make things better". the other message said he "hoped we could talk and hoped we could try and fix things so we feel good about ourselves." he sounded fairly frantic on the second message. i don't know if he just wants the rest of his stuff back, or if he's finally realizing that sleeping on an air mattress under someone's dining room table isn't quite comparing to the life we had, or if he just needs some selfish reassurance???? see, now i'm all messed up again. i feel ill. honestly, i want the bastard back. nothing had transpired before this & we had a very solid relationship, so the whole thing has been hard for me to swallow & accept. he was everything i wanted in a man before this happened. maybe he just had a freak-out, which wasn't handled properly, but.....???? so now what? i do NOT want him to be jerking me around, and maybe his calls are just for his own peace of mind? i am still in love with him & i know he is with me, although he isn't acting nicely. i can't afford to be hurt anymore, but we also have lots of loose ends to tie up in terms of belongings, bills, etc. i didn't return the calls, thanks to what i've learned from all of you wonderful people here. i feel the support here, it's good. i know he'll probably call again. he said he would (not that that means anything) but I also think he will because i think that reality is starting to hit him now since i have been unavailable. help. what next??? i am freaking out a bit.

[OCD]

Hello all,

It was a long weekend for me...I believe last week I mentioned that I was waiting for that third call from my ex ( I've had two so far in 6 weeks, I spoke briefly the first time and didn't answer the second). SuperDave71 said I should not answer the third call. He was right, I wasn't ready to speak to her because I might get hurt again...My question was will she stop thinking about me if I don't answer her calls, etc...I've been getting stronger by the day with NC. Well on Friday afternoon I received another call, #3. I didn't answer. I held strong. That night I received another call #4, I didn't answer. No messages with either of these calls. Then on Sat. afternoon I received another call #5, no message. I held strong through all of them and was going crazy wondering what it was she had to say...It's killing me but I knew I shouldn't call her back and if it was important she SHOULD HAVE LEFT A MESSAGE. So I'm not sure what to do now. I do want that second chance to make another go at our relationship, but I think she may have been bored and just "wanted to see how I was doing". The "Toy box" theory. Well now I'm in a tuff spot, she was trying to get a hold of me and made several attempts over the weekend. I haven't received another call yet, but should I call her back??? Should I wait for call #6? More importantly did I make the right choice in not answering? This NC is hard, but I don't want to ruin a second chance. Please advise. Thanks all!!

[SuperDave71]

OCD,

 

 

First of all I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo proud of you. Not only did you hold strong, you SHOWED her you are NOT a toy. Do you realize if you call her now, she will practicly JUMP at teh phone? Maybe you can call in a few days. ( I feel its safe ) BUT DO NOT TALK OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP. DO NOT get caught up in EMOTION and be a BLURTER. A blurter is someone who HAS TO KNW where they stand and BLURT IT OUT on in conversation. Make a pleasant moment. DO not tell her you have been thinking of her..tell her you have been woking on you. YOU are what matters here...not her. Does this make sense? Be nice, be confident, smile BEFORE you call and keep smiling,,,,it will show in your voice. Keep the conversation light, maybe funny and then say you have to run..you have things to do. Make is pleasant....you can do it and YOU KOW NC WORKS...DON'T RUIN the time you have had for you. You can do it.!!!! I am so proud of you!!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[OCD]

Thanks, but did you find it strange that she never left a message on either of those three calls over the weekend?

[OCD]

Thanks again SuperDave71. You've been a huge help to me. I do have a question and perhaps others have a thought regarding the calls I've been recieving from my ex. It's great that she's actually calling me, even though I never answered them. Although I'm questioning those calls. I miss her and her son, but those 5 calls that I've received and never answered because of NC were on days that she didn't have her son. Is this a coincidence? I do want to call her in a few days, but the more I think about it those calls are just because she's bored and wants me to pass the time (Toy Box). Am I reading too much into this? She never did leave any messages. I feel like if I'm ever going to start the relationship with her, she'll have to make more of an effort. Not just when she's lonely. Does this make sense? Am I out of line with this? Thanks for all of your guidance. It's very appreciated

[SuperDave71]

OCD,

 

 

Only time will tell my friend.....You don't know the answer and neither do I but maybe it will come soon enough. Granted it may or may NOT be the answer you want ...but you will find the truth soon.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Juha]

SD, did you see my post/pm???

 

Could use your help.....

[Larz]

Super Dave is quite the man. I finally found someone I agree with completely. The strongest message ANY of you can send is silence. I was with mine for eight years... And she was no slouch in the looks department either. Has a beautiful daughter that I raised. I sincerely wanted to end my life.

 

The only, and I mean ONLY thing that worked for me was to disappear. You're a phantom. If someone wants to be away from you, then you need to put a mirror in front of them.

 

I chased for 4 months... was drunk for about three of them. Didn't accomplish anything.

 

Wrote incredible poetry, brought up beautiful memories... accomplished nothing.

 

It wasn't until I put her "in a room by herself" that things turned COMPLETELY around.

 

We had dinner (seeing each other for the first time in 13 months) the other evening, and to be honest, I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS disappointED! Perhaps because I took the time to concentrate on MYSELF, I realized that she hadn't changed at all. She had only changed her arm candy.

 

I would have given my life for this woman, and sadly enough I wouldn't give her the time of day now. If they decide it's over, the WORST thing you can do is try to convince them otherwise. Even if you are successful in getting them back, they will leave again.

 

People don't leave those they truly love knowing that person will willfully let them go. If you allow them to come back on a dime, they will leave again.

 

NC is the only way. The STRONGEST message you can send, is silence. Trust myself and Super on this.

[Larz]

By the way, she is calling you excessively for a reason. Wait for the message - it will come. Don't acknowledge a dam n thing until you get the message. She may be checking your pulse. Don't risk it.

[SuperDave71]

Thank you Larz,

 

 

I really appreciate your post.

 

 

 

 

-Your friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[OCD]

Hey guys, it makes perfect sense about the NC... Interesting evening I must say last night...I did receive call #6. I didn't answer because I was on the phone with my sister. Call #7 came shortly after I hung up, I thought it was my sister calling back and picked up accidentally. I should have known better because of the special ring tone...but anyway it was my ex on the other end. As she started to say hello with a soft and surprised voice I quickly started trying to remember what to say/do. First thing was smile, then as a chuckled a little as I said hello. I never heard her sound so glad to hear my voice...I kept the conversation short and sweet, saying how great things are and some goals I've set, etc. I spoke briefly and I said I had to get going. She said the same and ask "can I call you back later tonight?". I said sure, but I have an early morning tomorrow, blah blah blah to make me sound buisy. She never called, but I actually felt pretty good. I could tell she really had some things to say, but never really spit them out. On my way to work call #8 came in. I let it ring for a few and just before voice mail I picked up. Said hello talked briefly again, then I said "Oh, I have to make a phone call before I get to work". She was very surprised to hear this and said well ok I better let you go... I said have a great day and take care. I wasn't deceiving her, because I called my sister to tell her what the heck was going on. As I was speaking to my sister she called again, #9. I think she was checking on me to see if I really was making a phone call. I think my next move is to not answer the next time she calls...LEAVE A MESSAGE...I can't believe I actually broke NC for the first time in almost 7 weeks. I felt good and wasn't hurt. I was just myself. I think she is really guessing about what happening with me and is more curious than ever. I'm not sure what my next move is at this point...an suggestions?? Thanks guys for everything. SuperDave71 has been right on the money for me...NC is the way to go no matter what.

[SuperDave71]

OCD,

 

 

 

You are an inspiration my friend....YOU REALLLY ARE!!! I am smiling from ear to ear. Keep it up......you are doing sooooooooooooo well.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71