Is there such a thing as a cyber affair without sex?

[korbel]

For 2 wks. my fiance has been emailing his "cousin" (no blood relation) that he hadn't communicated with for more than 10 yrs. She lives in another state & is married. The whole thing didn't feel right to me from the beginning, but I let it pass. He even invited me to read his emails if I was worried. I let this go on for a couple of wks.

 

Yesterday I finally read some of the recent emails they'd been exchanging. (He'd deleted most of them.) Some of the things that were said shattered my illusions, including things like, "I think of you all the time - all day, it seems," my fiance told her. "You're married & I have a girlfriend. Crazy, huh?" Then he would tell her about how he'd had a crush on her when they were teenagers & how it kept "resurfacing" throughout the years, that he'd even told his mom about how he'd liked her & she'd told him he'd be castrated if her parents found out. Although there was no cyber sex involved (yet), he'd told her he wanted to hug & kiss her & put his tongue in her mouth ("haha"). She also flirted with him by telling him she thought of him all the time as well & asked if his fiancee (me) answered his cell phone or opened his mail. If I didn't she'd call him & mail him a picture of herself. She said she didn't have anyone to talk to about him because no one would understand, especially when they all thought so highly of her husband.

 

I used to believe cheating was pretty much clear cut, but would this fall into that category? I confronted him about it yesterday, and he said most of the things they'd said to each other were in a joking manner. The rest, such as the crush, although true, would never come of it, he told me. He'd never intented for anything to happen between them & it was all just sorting out the past for a bit. Feelings he'd had for her, he claimed, were from 15 yrs. ago, & he was going to stop anyway because he didn't think it was right. But how can that be, when they obviously made these intimate exchanges these past few days?

 

I'm devastated. We live together & I'm also 5 mos. pregnant with our first child. I don't know what to do. A part of me wants to believe his apologies, but what I'd read hurt me so much I'm having difficulty getting pass it. If I kick him out of our home I'd have to sell my condo (since I can't afford it by myself, especially with a baby coming), look for an apt., & struggle to be a single parent. Is the situation that serious or am I reacting strictly on emotion? If I forgive him would I ever be able to trust him?

[btbt]

korbel, there is something called an "emotional affair" or "emotional cheating." You are justified in being bothered because he is expressing very deep emotions to another woman. Being online doesn't make this better -- if this women lived in the same town and he was saying this to her in person, it would be completely wrong.

 

I think you should tell your fiancee how much this bothers you and that you want him to stop it. If he loves you and respects the relationship you have with him, including having a child with you, he should stop it right away. Not doing so is a bad sign. And who is to say that if their feelings are so strong for each other, they won't arrange to meet?

[BellaDonna]

I used to believe cheating was pretty much clear cut, but would this fall into that category?

 

Yep...this is cheating. At this point it's emotional infidelity- but it's just as bad, and sometimes worse than a traditional affair.

 

he'd told her he wanted to hug & kiss her & put his tongue in her mouth ("haha"). She also flirted with him by telling him she thought of him all the time as well & asked if his fiancee (me) answered his cell phone or opened his mail. If I didn't she'd call him & mail him a picture of herself. She said she didn't have anyone to talk to about him because no one would understand, especially when they all thought so highly of her husband.

 

This sounds quite serious to me, and not at all like a "joke". He needs to cut off all contact with her. Cousin or not- he has not talked to her in 10 years, so why bother now ? You have the right to request that he END the contact.

 

Since you have a baby on the way, and want to try saving the relationship, perhaps couples counseling will be a good idea.

 

If I kick him out of our home I'd have to sell my condo (since I can't afford it by myself, especially with a baby coming), look for an apt., & struggle to be a single parent.

 

Sounds there are financial issues here too.

 

I think it's at least worth a try to save the relatiobship- btu he must end contact wiht her and prove that he wants to change and at least entertain the possibility of counseling.

 

As terrible as you feel emotionally right now- try to be strong for your baby. Be sure to take care of yourself and that you have others around to support you emotionally such as trusted friend or family,

 

BellaDonna

[Meow18]

Yes, this is cheating in a not physical way.

 

I wonder why your boyfriend gave you permission to read the emails. Maybe he didn't think you actually would?? Well, since you had permission, tell him you read them and that you did not like what you read at all. There's no excuse for him to be saying things like that. It's one thing telling her he had a crush on her growing up, but to say that he wanted to kiss her! That's just not right. She's married and he has you. There's no reason for them to be talking about that stuff.

 

I can't believe he would do this to you, especially when you are having his child!

 

What he's doing is really serious though and you dont' deserve this at all! First I think you should talk to him. If he cares about you at all he will stop contact with this cousin. They both have different lives now and don't need to be communicating the way they are. If he doesn't stop, then you need to leave him. It's not fair to you and especially if you are having his child.

 

Do you have any family or friends you could stay with for a little while if you do need to leave?

[Day_Walker]

Although his behavior doesnt seem to be appropriate I dont believe that its cheating. People like to throw around the word "emotional cheating" but I think that is going a lil too far. I dont believe that there is such a thing, it seems as though you are asking too much, but it is all going to depend on your feelings about love and relationships.

[Hope75]

I agree that is isn't technically cheating, but it's close enough as as someone else posted if he is sharing these intimate feelings with her, it's wrong and you have right to be concerned.

 

If he loves you and wants to be with you he should not be telling someone else these things. It's disrespectful and you deserve someone who's attention is focused on you and your relationship, not giving his attention to someone else.

 

You need to talk with him about this and tell him it's not a joke, he's expressing these feelings for her and telling her intimate things he wants to do with her, she's married, he's engaged, and you're having his baby.

 

It's got to stop, or you know what you will need to do, and I hope it doesn't come to this.

 

Best of luck and please keep us updated on what happens when you talk to him again.

[btbt]

Okay, if you don't buy the emotional cheating part, the boyfriend's actions and words stand on their on -- stating to the woman that he wants to kiss her, and telling her he loves her etc. Don't let the online thing be an excuse. If you were all having dinner together, and the boyfriend took the woman into another room and said I'd like to kiss you, I've loved you since I was ten etc. etc., the girlfriend should be mighty upset.