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Where do I begin!!

 

Been sitting looking at my keyboard for the last 10 min but I dont know where to start.

 

I was raised by parents who told me you never hit or cheat on your partner. I have 3 older siblings (men) but sadly they have taken the wrong decisions in life, drugs and alcohol.

 

I knew I didn't want to end up like them so I made all the effort to do well. 

 

To this day they are all messed up.

 

I started my education to start working on bigger ships, and eventually I become a captain.

 

Sadly my mother died while I was at sea, due to cancer.

 

My work was everything. I loved the sea, and the money was good. 2 weeks out, 2 weeks off. 

 

One day I was airlifted to hospital as I collapsed due to undiagnosed diabetes. While in hospital a lot of my friends came to visit. 

 

Together with my friends, in walked one day a girl with long hair, the most stunning eyes, make up set, absolutely stunning face, and beautiful body. I remember looking at her, but hardly speaking to her, I guess I was shy, but her eyes was so intense and she was stunning, absolutely 10 out of 10.

 

Before they left she turned around and said want met for a coffee when you're out from hospital, I was so quick in accepting.

 

We met, not only was she beautiful, and picture perfect but she was kind and so loving, always put others above herself. Not the typical good looking girl whos all about herself, no no no, she was kind and loving.

 

I was hooked. She was the one.

 

Time passed and I got to know her, she came from a wealthy family, but her background was horrid. A youth full of beatings by her father and sexually abused by a family friend.

 

She opened up to me, and allowed me to come near and love her, good and bad. Even her traumatic childhood she was this little bundle of joy and always so positive, and extremely caring. Big heart.

 

I asked her to marry me and she said yes, I was so proud. We married at the registra office.

 

I was just so proud and gosh I loved her. When out walking men would turn their heads, but she would look at me and smile while taking my hand. She was so committed. 

 

We bought a house and life was good. Same interest, sex was the best, we laughed, made friends, had good and bad times. I loved her so much.

 

Until one day... We went to see a friend of mine, and there was my ex girlfriend with her husband.

 

We all got on great, my wife even made good friends with my ex girlfriend.

 

Dont know what happened but my ex got to me, put all sort of thoughts in my head and I cheated on my wife. She found out when she found a handwritten love letter to me ex.

 

I remember my wife, crying and screaming at me, saying how could you, I loved and trusted you.

 

Things was she always made it clear if I cheated that would be it, but I did it anyway.

 

She packed my stuff and filed for divorce. In the meantime I moved in with my ex, but after 4 months she kicked me out. Due to my diabetes I was hospitalised again and my wife(not divorced at the time) was my next of kin and the hospital rang her, she showed up out of concern.

 

She sat beside my hospital bed and she said. I love you, I am willing to try to make this work, lets move away lets try through counselling, and I said NO !!

 

With that said she walked away and continued the divorce.

 

We were married for 3 almost 4 years. 

 

Last time I saw her was when we signed out divorce papers.After that I dont know what happened to her, no pictures from our time together, wedding ring gone, it was like it never happened.

 

2 years passed now.

 

Until recently I wondered what happened to her, was she happy, was she with someone else. 

 

I managed to find her and reconnect, told her how sorry I was but back then I couldn't take her back as I couldn't look in her eyes and see the pain I caused her.

 

We have started to talk every day for months and I was hopeful I could win her back, the love of my life. 

 

I told her how amazing she is, that I was the idiot back then. That I had changed, I really tried. I promised her that it could not happened again today. 

 

Everything was going well, until I asked her straight. Do we, I still have a chance?

 

Her answer was: I love you still, with all my heart but I cannot go back, you caused me so much pain, you betrayed me, and even if I overlooked that, you're every move would make me suspicious and thats not a life for me or you. I just can't risk my heart. 

I am sorry !!

 

She's utterly blocked me off, dont reply, no nothing.

 

How do I win this girl back? She's my love, my life, my girl.

 

Please help.

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I'm sorry you're upset.  This is not a movie it's real life - you should never ever try to convince someone to be with you especially someone you treated so shabby and betrayed.  You can use all the romantic phrases you want but you broke her trust and she is choosing not to risk being betrayed by you again.  As she is of course entitled to.  My help I am offering is to respect her wishes and move on.

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're upset.  This is not a movie it's real life - you should never ever try to convince someone to be with you especially someone you treated so shabby and betrayed.  You can use all the romantic phrases you want but you broke her trust and she is choosing not to risk being betrayed by you again.  As she is of course entitled to.  My help I am offering is to respect her wishes and move on.

Thanks for your advice. But I would love to show her I’ve changed. I love her and she loves me but still it’s a no from her side. 
it’s an unfinished love story. It drives me mad not having her in my life 

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4 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

I think too much damage has been done and it will never be the same again (imo).  Once trust is broken, you have nothing. Respect her wishes and move on.

You could be right. I really ***ed up. She seems okay but to broken towards me 😞

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“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, it was never meant to be,”

You can't make a person love you or take you back. It has to be her choice, when and if she is ready. 

I would look on the bright side though. Most people in her shoes probably wouldn't be willing to say what she said. For a lot of people, they aren't able to still love someone who did as you did. I've seen how the cheater is condemned and made into a villian. She doesn't feel that. She still loves and cares for you. But she is also hurt and needs to protect herself. This may not be the result you want, but it's still a good one all things considered. There isn't deep anger or resentment. There is still a mutual concern for each other. And there can still be the possibility of some sort of friendship.

All you can do is work on being the person you want to be. Don't do it for her, do it for you. Don't allow one mistake to define you and ruin your chance for happiness forever. Anything can happen in the future. So focus on building your life and being the best version of you. Something will come your way in time.

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5 hours ago, AlexWindhall said:

How do I win this girl back

You can't. She is done. 

4 hours ago, AlexWindhall said:

it’s an unfinished love story

No, it is not. You are divorced and she said no. You need to stop trying to rewrite the narrative in your head and accept that she has moved on and doesn't want you back. 

Please show her some respect and listen to her. 

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5 hours ago, AlexWindhall said:

it’s an unfinished love story.

Then let the story write itself. Every love story is unfinished until the last pages of our lives unfold. You've reached the end of one chapter, but there is no telling what twists the story will take from here. The only way to see how it all turns out is to keep pushing forward, onto the next chapter of your life. Create a subplot about loving and taking care of yourself. Let life attend to the bigger storyline. Your full love story is yet to be written, and it will complete itself when the time is right.

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7 hours ago, AlexWindhall said:

She sat beside my hospital bed and she said. I love you, I am willing to try to make this work, lets move away lets try through counselling, and I said NO !!

 

I think you fumbled here. And there was no going back from there. Nore your actions deserve for her to take you back. You had a good wife that you fumbled with your actions. And that is all on you. 

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2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Here’s is the expected update. Not the one I hoped for.
Finally managed to get ahold of her.

She was crying and said to me:
I love you but you broke me. You ruined our whole life. You know my difficult past and you betrayed me. I can’t come back even though I want to. I have self respect and I can’t live a life in fear. It’s not fair to you that I would live constantly doubting you and questioning you.
It would not be healthy for either of us. 
man up and let me go please.

It absolutely hurt me when I heard them words coming out of her mouth.
I believe in time I can win her back or even just be friends. But I simply can’t not have her in my life at all. Whatever that may mean.
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2 hours ago, AlexWindhall said:

ut I simply can’t not have her in my life at all. Whatever that may mean.

That's not just about you -it's up to her.  This is a story but it's not about love.  Loving is about giving. You chose not to give her loyalty and respect in favor of reacting to temptation.  That's about you not about loving actions.  

I'd stop writing the "story" because it's giving you a pass to indulge in fairy tales and rom-com plots.  What will you do today to build up your integrity as a person? Is there a small or large kindness you can do for someone? To get out of the self-absorbed "love" story you keep indulging in? And keep acting respectfully to your ex- by leaving her alone to live her life.

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IMVHO, you have rose colored glasses on with your former wife, and always did.   

I personally don't believe there's only one person for everyone.  The world is filled with people, many of whom could be a match for us.   When we hold these romantic ideals of "the One" it can often be self-sabotaging, by immediately setting them up on a pedestal and often (unknowingly) treating that person like a prize instead of a human being. 

Everything you said about her, honestly, lends itself to the conclusion that you were more in love with the IDEA of this woman than who she really was as a person.  You idolized her right from the start. 

I don't believe cheating happens for no reason.  If you and this woman were as perfect matches as you thought, your head never would have been turned by your ex.   Your ex represented something that your wife didn't have or your relationship lacked.  It could have even been a subconscious thing (and this is my personal opinion) Your ex representing someone on your LEVEL (someone NOT perfect) you didn't think yourself on the same level as your wife- and how could you, when you 'goddess-ified" her from the second you saw her.  

There's a difference between loving someone as a person and loving who they represent, and being in love with them.  IMVHO, you seem more in love AT your ex wife than IN love WITH her. 

You're even idealizing your breakup and viewing her as some epic princess in a fantasy that you will win back as opposed to a real and hurt woman who simply doesn't trust you anymore. 

My advice, let her go.  I really don't think she actually is the one for you.   I'd also highly suggest getting yourself into counseling.  I think it will help you move on if you can really pinpoint why you cheated.  Along with this, PLEASE take responsibility for your choice to cheat on your wife.  No matter what your ex said, it was still your CHOICE.  You need to think about why you were so easily swayed to cheat on someone you claimed to love so much. 

You can't change the past, all you can do is move forward.  I think though it's important for you to dig into why you made the choices you did, as this will serve to help you move on personally and to make better choices in a future relationship by reflecting and healing whatever parts of you need to heal. 

But yes, stop thinking your ex is the ONLY one for you in the world.  Not only is that simply not factually true- when you had the option of her or someone else, you didn't choose her- so no matter how you frame it, she was NOT your perfect match. 

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I don’t agree. Yes I cheated on her but some people get back together and live happily together. 

In time I can show her how sorry I am and I can be trusted. Give her full access to everything. 


I made a mistake that’s all but people change. 


she said she still loves me and don’t want to punish me for the past but just can’t engage in a “new” life together. But who says not in time. I know her better than anyone else. 


I understand how to love her even when her trauma from her rape comes back up. I can be there like never before. 


I am not saying all on my terms. I know she’s moved on. Bought her own house. Had a high paid job. All going well for her. I give her that, she deserves that. 

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Some people. Not her. Let her come to you. If she contacts you and says she wants to give it another chance rgen respond. Do not indulge in telling yourself that if she views something you post that is “contact “ where you can contact her. It’s not. Do not contact her. She can have loving feelings and choose to stay away to protect her heart and physical health too. And to move on to surround herself with people she trusts including a romantic partner who most likely wouldn’t be comfortable with her being in contact with you. 

If you respect and care for her you will let her be happy with her life apart from you. 
 

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You don't win her back.   You screwed up twice.  First you cheated, then you rejected her.  Now, years later you want her back.  You say you changed, but have you?  That all seems so selfish on your part. 

Your EX-W is a compassionate loving person.  She came to the hospital.  She's being gracious.  That is more than you would get out of many people.  That EX GF was no where to be found when you were sick.   Your Ex-W has moved on & built a good life for herself.  Now here you come & want her to risk everything again for a 3rd time.   In her shoes you are not worth the risk.  She will be kind to you, but she has stated her boundary -- she no longer trusts you & she's not interested in trying again.  

If you ever cared about her, leave her be.  She deserves peace in her life.  You represent chaos & heartbreak.  

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1 hour ago, AlexWindhall said:

 

I don’t agree. Yes I cheated on her but some people get back together and live happily together. 

In time I can show her how sorry I am and I can be trusted. Give her full access to everything. 


I made a mistake that’s all but people change. 


she said she still loves me and don’t want to punish me for the past but just can’t engage in a “new” life together. But who says not in time. I know her better than anyone else. 


I understand how to love her even when her trauma from her rape comes back up. I can be there like never before. 

 

OP, For your own sake as well as hers- PLEASE don't become this person. The bold is not LOVE, it's obsession and it's unrealistic as well as unhealthy for you both.  Let her go completely and work on yourself for the future.   She doesn't want you anymore, ACCEPT THAT and MOVE ON. 

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I totally understand everyone’s feedback but I can’t let her go. 


I am happy to wait for her. She’s worth it. 
We were talking for a good few month’s and I think we would have gotten somewhere. She was honest and open and all was going well. She explained how deeply I hurt her and what a jerk I’d been. 


She said. Why didn’t you come and speak to me back then, I was your wife. 


AllI could say was I was to far gone but I was an ***. 


She told me she loved me deeply back then. She always had my back and she really did. As she said she never stopped caring for me but the love was broken. 


I thought we had a chance as she mentioned that she loved me still but was scared. 


Until clearly she said she couldn’t live in fear of history repeating itself and she had to walk away. 


I am gutted. This girl is EVERYTHING. So PRETTY and a massive heart of gold. Extremely smart.


She’s worth me not giving up on her.


I’ll wait and show her I’m here. 

 

She had a lot of dates after our divorce. She’s never or is short a few admirers but the thought of her being with  someone else or being loved by someone makes me sick.

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1 minute ago, AlexWindhall said:

I’ll wait and show her I’m here. 

If you show her by contacting or showing up be prepared for an eventual restraining order and/or one of her people making sure you stop.

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How you betrayed her, how you rejected her, how you treated her, is inexcusable. There's no going back after all that. It doesn't matter if you became a patron saint, she ain't gonna take you back. You burnt that bridge to the ground. 

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1 hour ago, AlexWindhall said:

 


I’ll wait and show her I’m here.  the thought of her being with someone else or being loved by someone makes me sick.

She's knows you're there and she doesn't want you.   There's no winning her back, OP. 

You really think after what you put her through that she doesn't deserve to ever be loved by anyone?  If you really believe that and WANT that, then you don't really love her at all.  You simply want to possess her.  

Accept that it's over.   That's the ONLY course.  Everything else leads to a restraining order or worse.  She won't thank you for contributing more unpleasantness to her life by refusing to let her go- this will NOT make her love you again.  It will make her actively NOT want to ever have contact with you again or get the police involved. 

Just stop, OP.  I strongly urge you to seek counseling.   Don't make things harder for yourself that have to be.  Do you really want to add to your problems?  Who will THAT help?

 

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6 hours ago, AlexWindhall said:

In time I can show her how sorry I am and I can be trusted. Give her full access to everything. 

Sorry, but I'm 100% with her.  As to the above, these words are typical coming from a cheater.  According to statistics after one cheats the first time, they're three times more likely to cheat again.

Either way you can't change the past, you can only move forward  while taking the lesson with you, along with making better choices.

 

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9 hours ago, AlexWindhall said:

I made a mistake that’s all 

Wrong. It was not a mistake.  It was a conscious choice to cheat and there's no going back from that.  It was your choice and now you have to deal with the consequences ..... she has chosen not to get back with you.  Leave her be and move on with your life.  You don't want to harass her to the point of getting a restraining order.  Damage is done. Move on and learn from it.

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Another upsetting evening. Spoke to my ex-wife. 


She spend most of our conversation stating below:

You decided not only to discuss me behind my back with your ex, rather than coming to me. Your ex who became my really good friend. I lost two people that day you cheated. Her and you ruined several peoples life. Our marriage. Her marriage and her kids life.  You broke our wedding promises to each other. You regardless despite knowing my feelings towards cheating went ahead hoping to blame it on me. You ruined everything in our marriage, our life, our home, our love, you BROKE me. Yet when that *** didn’t show up at the hospital I was willing to forgive you and work on our marriage yet you rejected me. 
From day one your life was chaos and filled with people hurting me and you did nothing, except you became the one who hurt me the most. 

Now when I can offer you a friendship including forgiving the hurt you caused me you want me to start again with you. All you can offer me is insecurity, self doubt, suspicion and fear. I am saying no this time. Not because I don’t love you but because I  am strong enough to love me more. I am done. You had your chance to fight for me and you didn’t. You let me go like I was trash and now you had your fun I am here to save you. No I am done. 

With the biggest love for you I suggest you sort your *** out because you have a right to be happy with your life. 


That’s the conversation. I am gutted. She really is done. What the *** have I done. What can I do. I am starting to believe nothing. 


I am really down. *** I lost the amazing girl

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