Mentality ill ex girlfriend ?

[Lilylis]

Hi, i’m feeling very confused and i think and i need some help so I’m reaching out here. I’ve been having waves of intense sadness where i cry a lot ad i have panic attacks for the past 5 months, after i found out something about my boyfriend.

 

 He has an ex girlfriend he broke up 2 months before we started dating, but they stayed in contact. He talked about her too much and he was sad and angry if i was asking too many questions. He has tried to kill himself because of her because she was “mean” and insulting him all the time (this was 6 months before we met, they stayed together after that happened for another 3 months). 

 

It was a long distance relationship and they saw eachother 6 times over their 2 year relationship. (????) We had repeated conversations about how upset it’s starting to make me, but it didn’t go very far. He just told me he just wants to forget and there’s nothing I should worry about.

 

 At my request he blocked her. 7 months into our relationship i see messages in his phone- he had been asking her mum every month to tell him news about her. I had a panic attack and it absolutely broke my heart. I’m still with him because he explained that she also tried to kill herself when he broke up with her, after which she was in a mental asylum for months. He wanted to know she was ok all this time despite all the bad things she did to him.

 

 I wish I would’ve never got myself in this messy situation, but our relationship is very strong and intense and otherwise he’s a great guy. It just really hurt me and now it can’t sleep and night and it’s been 5 months i feel like this, i’m scared it’s getting worse.

[MissCanuck]

You need to break up with this man.

He is not any position to be in another relationship. I'm sorry, but you already know this is not going to have a happy ending for you. It's best not to waste your time and wind up even more hurt in the end. 

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

You need to break up with this man.

He is not any position to be in another relationship. I'm sorry, but you already know this is not going to have a happy ending for you. It's best not to waste your time and wind up even more hurt in the end. 

I second the post.

[ShySoul]

A person can't fully commit to a healthy relationship unless they have processed everything that happened to them previously. He hasn't. Whatever she did to him, he hasn't faced it and dealt with it emotionally. Instead he gets angry and shuts down when you try to bring it up. That won't help him get better. If it was at the point of him trying to kill himself, then its understandably hard for him to face it. But he needs to at some point. 

In his defense, that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be with her or that he doesn't love you. The ex sounds like she has a lot of issues herself and is the cause of all of this. He cared about her and wants her to be okay, even if he probably knows its not healthy to be with her. You can still want an ex to be happy, even after they hurt you. Or at the very least, you don't want them killing themselves.

If this has reached the point where you are not mentally well, then something needs to change. Two people have already been dragged through hell here, don't let yourself become the third. Either he begins to work through everything, or you shouldn't be with him. He needs to know those are the only options. His avoidance isn't worth your pain and emotional, mental, and physical well being.

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

I second the post.

I third the post.

This doesn’t sound healthy for anyone of you three. It sounds toxic, taxing, and unsustainable. His ex girlfriend is having significant mental health issues, your boyfriend is having significant mental health issues, and now you are also developing significant mental health issues.

Get out now, before things become worse and you too start self harming or going down the road of creating an anxiety disorder you can’t get past without psychiatric intervention.

[smackie9]

Dump this chump. He's mentally unstable, gaslights you, and is still pining for his ex. They have unfinished business...time for him to go.

And girl, you don't date guys that just broke up with a toxic ex....more cases than not, the guy is toxic/unstable too. He needs therapy, not a GF. 

[TeeDee]

He & his EX need therapy.  

You are not satisfied in this relationship.  In a healthy relationship with someone who is into you, they don't seek updates about their EX; you don't feel scared & you can sleep.  This isn't healthy for you.   

You need better boundaries & you need to realize that his mental health is not your responsibility.  Your mental health is your responsibility.  You are not doing yourself any favors by staying with a man who would rather be somewhere else.  

[ShySoul]

In the future, please save herself some heartache. Don't get involved with someone just out of another relationship, especially one this volatile. Make sure that before you commit, both sides are clear of as much baggage as possible and can go into it with their hearts fully dedicated to making it work. Two months is probably too soon.

[Lilylis]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Dump this chump. He's mentally unstable, gaslights you, and is still pining for his ex. They have unfinished business...time for him to go.

And girl, you don't date guys that just broke up with a toxic ex....more cases than not, the guy is toxic/unstable too. He needs therapy, not a GF. 

I didn’t know..he didn’t tell me much until 2 months into our relationship. I wanted to be there for him and support him but then i started having these feelings. What’s complicated is that he’s very kind towards me and absolutely what i want in every other aspect ..the situation with his ex just ruined my happiness next to him. He’s not a bad person, just traumatised by a toxic relationship? Texting to ask about her is crazy though i don’t understand why he did that.. even if she was suicidal before he really risked it with me to text and ask about her.

[Lilylis]

44 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

In the future, please save herself some heartache. Don't get involved with someone just out of another relationship, especially one this volatile. Make sure that before you commit, both sides are clear of as much baggage as possible and can go into it with their hearts fully dedicated to making it work. Two months is probably too soon.

Your advice was very good to hear. 
However i didn’t know the situation…he didn’t tell me much until 2 months into our relationship. Our relationship and the connection we have has been amazing since the beginning, i really had my happiest moments with him. He isn’t toxic, he really is a great person, he just was really affected by this bad experience with the girl? However texting her is mad, after so long? Even if she had been suicidal, i don’t understand what feelings he had to text her. I don’t think it was love for her, but why couldn’t he just let it go and move on? :((

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, Lilylis said:

I don’t think it was love for her, but why couldn’t he just let it go and move on? :((

Because he didn't want to -it's that basic.  Because he felt like it, so he did. No need to paint him as toxic or any other label -now you see he is a person who lied to you about being in contact wit his ex and who is still very much involved with her -and she is unstable to say the least.  So happy moments aside and thinking he is a good person is fine - but he is not a good person to be in a romantic relationship with. All of this is true.

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Lilylis said:

he really risked it with me to text and ask about her.

Exactly. What does that tell you about his feelings for her and his ongoing attachment to her? 

[TeeDee]

17 hours ago, Lilylis said:

he didn’t tell me much until 2 months into our relationship. I wanted to be there for him and support him but then i started having these feelings. What’s complicated is that he’s very kind towards me and absolutely what i want in every other aspect ..the situation with his ex just ruined my happiness next to him. 

Nobody is saying he's a bad person, just a broken one. On some level we're all a bit broken so that is not me insulting him. 

He may be a good guy but because he's not a whole guy or solely yours, it's time to reconsider.   You know your happiness is already ruined (your words).  End it & find somebody who is available to be in a relationship with you. 

[ShySoul]

On 6/17/2024 at 3:19 PM, Lilylis said:

He isn’t toxic, he really is a great person, he just was really affected by this bad experience with the girl? However texting her is mad, after so long? Even if she had been suicidal, i don’t understand what feelings he had to text her. I don’t think it was love for her, but why couldn’t he just let it go and move on? :((

People are complicated. Even the best of us can have blind spots or moments of weakness. When a person gets in your heart, it's never easy to let go. You can be doing great, not thinking of them and moving on to a relationship which you want and love being in. Then something reminds you of the person and it feels like you're starting over. You just want to hear their voice or make sure they are okay. Logically you know you shouldn't. But humans can be highly illogical and they go with what they are feeling.

I'm not going to say things can't work with him in the long run. But he needs to fix himelf first. Until he does, he won't be able to give the commitment and safety someone like you should have.

[Lilylis]

19 hours ago, ShySoul said:

People are complicated. Even the best of us can have blind spots or moments of weakness. When a person gets in your heart, it's never easy to let go. You can be doing great, not thinking of them and moving on to a relationship which you want and love being in. Then something reminds you of the person and it feels like you're starting over. You just want to hear their voice or make sure they are okay. Logically you know you shouldn't. But humans can be highly illogical and they go with what they are feeling.

I'm not going to say things can't work with him in the long run. But he needs to fix himelf first. Until he does, he won't be able to give the commitment and safety someone like you should have.

Thank you so much for your replies, it really helps. How do i know he fixed himself though? What questions should i be asking him? He said he just wanted to know she was alive and the therapy she got was effective… but 7 months into his relationship with me and a year after he broke up with her… to me that is just too much. How do i get over that?

[TeeDee]

38 minutes ago, Lilylis said:

Thank you so much for your replies, it really helps. How do i know he fixed himself though? What questions should i be asking him? He said he just wanted to know she was alive and the therapy she got was effective… but 7 months into his relationship with me and a year after he broke up with her… to me that is just too much. How do i get over that?

Nobody gets "fixed" that fast even with therapy.  Anxiety & depression are life long problems that become manageable.  They don't go away.  

You don't ask specific Qs.  You watch, listen & observe. 

Why do you have to get over it?  His behavior cut to the heart of your relationship.  Why isn't that a deal breaker?  When you ask yourself why you are willing to stick around after something like this, that answer will move you toward making peace with what happened.  You will either accept it & move forward with him or you will realize that walking away is your best option because then it won't matter any more:  she can have him. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Lilylis said:

How do i get over that?

You don't. 

You get rid of him. He's still in love with her. 

[ShySoul]

On 6/20/2024 at 7:08 AM, Lilylis said:

 How do i know he fixed himself though? What questions should i be asking him? He said he just wanted to know she was alive and the therapy she got was effective… but 7 months into his relationship with me and a year after he broke up with her… to me that is just too much. How do i get over that?

You're not the one that needs to be asking him questions. He needs to be asking himself questions. He needs to ask himself if he is over her. He needs to figure out if his attachment to her is really worth the risk to his own well being. He needs to figure out if it is worth hurting and possibly losing you. He needs to show you, in words and in actions, that he understands how much he has hurt you and is willing to work on making it up to you. I can understand wanting to make sure a mentally unstable person you have cared about is doing okay. The part that bothers me is his getting angry at you for asking about it or voicing your concerns. A good partner, and good man, would acknowledge how this might be difficult for you and seek to comfort and reassure you. He needs to start doing that instead of dismissing it or getting angry. And if he sees there is a problem, therapy might be called for as well.

What you should do is ask yourself questions. Do you still feel like you can be with him or is it already over in your heart? If you want to try to work it out, what would you need to see from him in order to trust him fully again? If it really is just him wanting to make sure she's still alive and getting help, with no romantic feelings involved, can you live with that? If you decide this is something that you can't get over, and you're entitled to feel that way if it's how you feel, then just end things. If you decide you can give it a shot, then tell him everything you're feeling. Tell him you're on the verge of giving up because of how it's affecting you emotionally and physically. Tell him the things you need to see him do to make it right. Then see his reaction. If he does work on making it better, you can slowly start to heal the relationship together. If he doesn't, then he really isn't worth your time and you can walk away knowing he really wasn't right for you.

[shouldhavelearned]

Find someone else

[Lilylis]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You're not the one that needs to be asking him questions. He needs to be asking himself questions. He needs to ask himself if he is over her. He needs to figure out if his attachment to her is really worth the risk to his own well being. He needs to figure out if it is worth hurting and possibly losing you. He needs to show you, in words and in actions, that he understands how much he has hurt you and is willing to work on making it up to you. I can understand wanting to make sure a mentally unstable person you have cared about is doing okay. The part that bothers me is his getting angry at you for asking about it or voicing your concerns. A good partner, and good man, would acknowledge how this might be difficult for you and seek to comfort and reassure you. He needs to start doing that instead of dismissing it or getting angry. And if he sees there is a problem, therapy might be called for as well.

What you should do is ask yourself questions. Do you still feel like you can be with him or is it already over in your heart? If you want to try to work it out, what would you need to see from him in order to trust him fully again? If it really is just him wanting to make sure she's still alive and getting help, with no romantic feelings involved, can you live with that? If you decide this is something that you can't get over, and you're entitled to feel that way if it's how you feel, then just end things. If you decide you can give it a shot, then tell him everything you're feeling. Tell him you're on the verge of giving up because of how it's affecting you emotionally and physically. Tell him the things you need to see him do to make it right. Then see his reaction. If he does work on making it better, you can slowly start to heal the relationship together. If he doesn't, then he really isn't worth your time and you can walk away knowing he really wasn't right for you.

Thank you so much for your advice 🙏🏻 really helps. I’ve already told him how i feel and he said he’s really sorry. He apologised about getting angry at me, he said it was wrong and he did it because he felt ashamed of his past and was stressed I would change my opinion about him if i knew too much… which isn’t true, he should’ve just trusted me and my feelings for him. In any case, i hope things will get better and i will slowly forget about it and when i wake up on one random Wednesday i will be able to hear her name or be reminded of these events without feeling like my heart sinks into my stomach. Thank you so much for the advice. Stay safe and keep being loved and being kind 💓

[Batya33]

How is it that you think hope and passive "forgetting" is going to resolve anything? Do you accept that he's "sorry" but blaming it on his self-absorption? He's sorry but he's not holding himself accountable.  And you are sweeping it under the rug.

[Lilylis]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How is it that you think hope and passive "forgetting" is going to resolve anything? Do you accept that he's "sorry" but blaming it on his self-absorption? He's sorry but he's not holding himself accountable.  And you are sweeping it under the rug.

I think he really is sorry, we’ve had many conversations about it and he knows he should’ve been honest about everything. It’s just complicated because of the situation that his ex was in… she was in a mental hospital for months under suicide watch and he was talking to her through most of it.. if it wasn’t like this i’m sure I would’ve ended things. He didn’t just ask about and ex thought, he wanted to feel like his conscience can be clear knowing that he didn’t abandon someone and they took their life afterwards… it is so *** but it’s been really *** for him too.. i just wish I would’ve known the full story sooner so that I wouldn’t have to feel like i’m not the one he loves and the one he gives his attention and care to…

[Cherylyn]

They are both mentally ill.  You need to dump him and go NC (no contact).  Block and delete him everywhere.  Steer clear.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Lilylis said:

I think he really is sorry, we’ve had many conversations about it and he knows he should’ve been honest about everything. It’s just complicated because of the situation that his ex was in… she was in a mental hospital for months under suicide watch and he was talking to her through most of it.. if it wasn’t like this i’m sure I would’ve ended things. He didn’t just ask about and ex thought, he wanted to feel like his conscience can be clear knowing that he didn’t abandon someone and they took their life afterwards… it is so *** but it’s been really *** for him too.. i just wish I would’ve known the full story sooner so that I wouldn’t have to feel like i’m not the one he loves and the one he gives his attention and care to…

I don't doubt he is "sorry" and keep in mind given the way he expressed it he justifies being dishonest and lying when the situation is challenging.  Keep that in mind that those are his values.

[Lilylis]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't doubt he is "sorry" and keep in mind given the way he expressed it he justifies being dishonest and lying when the situation is challenging.  Keep that in mind that those are his values.

Yes lying about it is crazy… he should’ve been mature about it and told me what the situation is like instead of lying about it. It was very childish of him. He was scared it would seem as something else other than what it actually is. It’s the only thing he’s done wrong. He’s done a lot of things for me and he supports me, he doesn’t deserve me to leave him. I was just scared i might have to because of the impact it had on me mentally and emotionally. It’s what i need to deal with if things are to get better between us, and i really hope they will. I agree that some things are unforgivable and it’s best to suffer the pain of leaving than stay in a place that brings us pain, but i really believed he tried to do the right thing for everyone, and me suffering because of it was the last thing he wished for.