how to move forward while dealing with 8 yrs of unrequited love?

[rabbitrok]

8 yrs ago I met the best person in the world. We worked together. She had a boyfriend, so I didn't pursue anything. But we became friends. At some point, her relationship ended and she took it very hard and took a break from working for a few months. During this time we still spoke on occasion. We started spending a bit more time together, and she even asked me to go with her to return things to her ex because she needed some support. Of course I took her. She once told me the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me. She said, "You have a beautiful soul" I wanted to tell her how I felt so badly, but I was so afraid to lose her as a friend or make things awkward. I knew she was fresh off her relationship and she kept expressing that she wasn't ready. There was definitely a spark between us, at least I thought there was. Then she announced she was moving to another city nearby to live with her mom, as she needed to be around family. She said once summer came she would have her own place and she wanted me to come visit. She said often how she wanted me to come visit. I helped her finish packing and saw her off the day she left. A few times she came back into town to see another friend, but never told me when she was here. But then when I did see her, she'd hug me like she never wanted to let go. About a month before summer came, she moved states. I was devastated. A friend kept encouraging me that I should still tell her how I felt, because distance was really not an issue these days. After another 2 years, I did. Unfortunately, by this time she had a new boyfriend, She was very kind in her response, telling me she just wasn't ready for a relationship so soon after ending her last one, which I knew. I don't recall what else she said, I still have the message but it's not something I care to look at often. We've remained friends. We text every so often, talk on the phone maybe if the mood strikes. I only don't talk to her more because I still have feelings for her and talking to her is difficult.

So recently she was gone from social media for about 2 months. I told myself she was just taking a break, but for whatever reason my brain decided that something was wrong, I was immensely worried about her, and it got to one night where I couldn't even sleep and I was awake crying because I was so scared that something was wrong and I wouldn't know.

I texted her. Everything was fine, of course. I felt ridiculous. But what all this backstory bring us too is, I'm still so in love with this woman. I've never met anyone like her, and that's not a line, it's 100% true. In the past 8 years I haven't even been interested in anyone else. Yes I have been on dates but they never really go past date one. And I would never wish her relationship to end but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't imagined scenarios where she calls me to console her, turns up at my door, I go to visit her and she tells me she's been single for months and wants to give us a chance. I've imagined so many different scenarios where she or I confess feelings and it all goes right.

Is it wrong to say "hey I still have feelings for you?" to someone in a relationship? Probably, yes. Is it wrong to say, "In another few years if we're both single would you be open to dating?" Probably, yes. And I know you'll likely say I should give it up, forget about her, move on. Yes that would be the logical thing to do. But oh god I love her so much. I haven't even seen her in five years and I think of her every day. And I just feel like giving up on her would be something I'd regret. "What if I'd tried harder?" it would haunt me. But I don't know where to go from here, if there is anywhere to go. Is there anyway to broach this conversation and not make a mess of things? 

Sorry this was long, thanks for reading. Please be kind. 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, rabbitrok said:

Is it wrong to say "hey I still have feelings for you?" to someone in a relationship?

More than anything, it would be uncomfortable and likely wouldn't get you anywhere. She is with someone else and it appears that she values you but only as a friend. 

5 minutes ago, rabbitrok said:

Is it wrong to say, "In another few years if we're both single would you be open to dating?"

Please don't put her on the spot like this. Nobody can predict the future anyway and it's just not realistic to hang on to hope for longer and set your expectations on something that is purely hypothetical. 

7 minutes ago, rabbitrok said:

And I just feel like giving up on her would be something I'd regret.

Giving up on what, exactly? She isn't asking you for a chance. She hasn't asked you to wait until she is single. My point is that there is nothing for you to give up on. You need to reframe that line of thinking, because it's not reflective of the reality of your situation. 

It's time you work on letting go rather than nurturing this years-long crush and making things awkward between you. 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, rabbitrok said:

Is it wrong to say "hey I still have feelings for you?" to someone in a relationship? Probably, yes.

Its not "Probably yes", its "Definitely yes". And the fact that you cant even see that nore how hard you are in a friendzone and how that woman would never in a million years be with you, is kinda concerning. 

You maybe dont have anything going on and you create some kind of fantasy how you two can somehow, someday be together. But you need to snap out of that because its not healthy for you.

[smackie9]

She knows how you feel about her...us women are not that stupid to not notice. She leaned on you hard because you were just there not because she had romantic feelings. Look at it this way...you wasted 8 years and for what? Loneliness, heartbreak, anxiety, sadness.

The mom talk: You robbed yourself of the best dating years to meet someone that actually would have the most meaning to you and your future like marriage, children, someone to grow old with. Now please put this to rest, be the best you can be mentally and start fresh with a new outlook. There is someone out there that will be worth 100 times more that this person you have been chasing for almost a decade.

[ShySoul]

I'm sorry you are in this position. Loving someone who you are unable to be with is the most heartwrenching thing in the world. It's a mix of joy and pain that can't fully be explained.

Unfortunately, if you love her that means respecting her relationship. Love means wanting the other person to be happy, even if its not with you. If she is happy, you can't do anything that would disrupt that. Saying something to her would only open both of you up to an uncomfortable situation with no good answer. You can't expect her to leave the relationship for you. And if so did, how would that make you feel, knowing you helped break them up? Don't you think she would feel guilty? If she stays with him, that puts her in the spot of having to let you down and I'm sure she wouldn't want to hurt you. No matter what, it causes more pain. So you have to find the strength to let them continue wherever there relationship goes.

I'm sure most will tell you to move on and let it go. And logic would say to do that. But I don't agree. Love and the heart aren't about logic. It's about emotions. When you are in love with someone, 100% completely in love, it's not a valve that you just shut off. You can't make a heart love somebody. Likewise you can't always make a heart unlove somebody. The heart has a mind of it's own. If you feel this way, there is a reason. So feel what you feel. Love her from afar if you have to. If you have a brief fantasy of finally being with her, enjoy it. If you want to still have hope, have it. 

The important thing is to not be trapped in it to the point it makes you miserable. It's okay to feel some sadness. But don't let it paralyze you to the point you can't embrace other things in your life. Go on a date if you want. But also don't feel pressured that you need to date or find someone else. Enjoy whatever hobby or interest you have. Be happy with the life you are building for yourself. Be happy with yourself. There are many other parts of life. Enjoy them.

[ShySoul]

Here's a story that might cheer you up.

My best friend in high school once told me how his parents got together. His father was in love with his mother when they were young. They were friends but she wasn't interested in him like that. They drifted apart but he couldn't get over her. He said he was going to marry her or he would join a monestary. And he was ready to do just that. But they met back up and this time they got together. And obviously it worked, evident by a marriage and child.

That's not to say it will happen for you or that it always happens that way. But it can happen. 

Everyone's love story is different. Every story comes with it's own unique mixture of joy, happines, sorrow, and pain. Be it with her or someone else, everything you are going through will only serve to make that final chapter that much sweeter. Go where your heart leads you and have faith that one day you'll finish the story in the best way possible.

[TeeDee]

Oh dear.  I am so sorry you put yourself in this position. 

Tip going forward, don't be the friend.  That rarely turns into romance.   If things are not going your way at the 8 week mark, give up.  

At this point you have to give up on her.  She knows you like her.  She doesn't return those romantic feelings.  She thinks you are perfectly nice & was probably being truthful when she said you have a beautiful soul. What that means is she has zero romantic or sexual interest in you.  Sorry. 

Disconnect.  Engage in some hard to hear self talk & direct your energies elsewhere so that 8 wasted years don't turn into 9 or 10.  

[rabbitrok]

On 5/26/2024 at 1:02 AM, MissCanuck said:

More than anything, it would be uncomfortable and likely wouldn't get you anywhere. She is with someone else and it appears that she values you but only as a friend. 

Please don't put her on the spot like this. Nobody can predict the future anyway and it's just not realistic to hang on to hope for longer and set your expectations on something that is purely hypothetical. 

Giving up on what, exactly? She isn't asking you for a chance. She hasn't asked you to wait until she is single. My point is that there is nothing for you to give up on. You need to reframe that line of thinking, because it's not reflective of the reality of your situation. 

It's time you work on letting go rather than nurturing this years-long crush and making things awkward between you. 

No she isn't asking me, I'm asking her. I give up on everyone. I walk away from everyone. And I'm not nurturing it, it just happens. And things aren't awkward, they're fine. Isn't it unhealthy to bottle up all these emotions and pretend? If this were switched and she (or any friend) was the one secretly in love with me and I was dating someone else, that wouldn't matter. I would want that person to be honest, because that's the only way to move forward. Thats what I'm saying, I can't let her go until we have some kind of conversation. A conversation has to happen. It'll be awkward and uncomfortable and painful but so is everything else. 

[Andrina]

It's unethical to share you have a crush or anything else you wouldn't be saying if a person's partner was in the room. Instead of keeping her memory of you as a beautiful soul, if you go through with this, she'll think of you as a selfish jerk.

On 5/26/2024 at 1:53 AM, rabbitrok said:

Then she announced she was moving to another city nearby to live with her mom, as she needed to be around family.

Even if she'd known it would take some time to heal from a previous breakup, knowing you as long as she did and as said, knowing  of your infatuation, if she'd seen you as a future, potential dating partner, she likely would've stayed in your city.

 

On 5/26/2024 at 1:53 AM, rabbitrok said:

In the past 8 years I haven't even been interested in anyone else. Yes I have been on dates but they never really go past date one.

That's no excuse for making someone into your fantasy dream woman. There's never just one person you could feel a spark with and can be compatible with. You likely haven't put in as much effort as you should. After my first marriage ended, I did OLD and also had a handful of dates just being out in the world. That ended up with being a count of about 30 men, whereas most also ended on the first date, and some lasting a bit longer. Doing that was akin to a part time job in trying to meet my relationship goal of a lifetime partner, and all of the sweat and tears finally panned out. I've been happily married for 13 years.

IMO, love only happens when it's a two-way street, and you're in the process of building a lovely life together. When it's one-sided, it's a crush. You're psyching yourself out and bolstering this situation with word-psychology which is damaging. 

If you can't bond with another woman because of her, it's in your best interest to cut contact. She's not even like a buddy that you regularly get together with, and she didn't even bother to see you when she's visited other friends. So it's not like it's a cruel thing to cut ties, and it's actually the right thing to do because if a woman was pining for my husband and had relationship fantasies about being with him in the future, and communicating with him in hopes of this and thinking of telling him, I'd hope she had the emotional intelligence to cut communication as the right thing to do. It's called being mature and realizing life doesn't give you everything you want. Everyone I know, including myself, has wanted badly someone he/she can't have. But the people who learn to emotionally exit that nowhere-land immediately, know it's a far better plan to eventually find the one who returns a "crazy about you" interest.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, rabbitrok said:

I give up on everyone. I walk away from everyone.

I don't get why you feel you would be giving up on her. There doesn't appear to have been a chance to begin with. 

1 hour ago, rabbitrok said:

Isn't it unhealthy to bottle up all these emotions and pretend?

No, not when it would be inapprorpriate to share these feelings with someone already in a relationship. 

1 hour ago, rabbitrok said:

Thats what I'm saying, I can't let her go until we have some kind of conversation.

So why did you ask for advice if you're going to proceed anyway?

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, rabbitrok said:

And things aren't awkward, they're fine. Isn't it unhealthy to bottle up all these emotions and pretend? If this were switched and she (or any friend) was the one secretly in love with me and I was dating someone else, that wouldn't matter. I would want that person to be honest, because that's the only way to move forward. Thats what I'm saying, I can't let her go until we have some kind of conversation. A conversation has to happen. It'll be awkward and uncomfortable and painful but so is everything else. 

You say things are fine now. So why do you want to make them awkward, painful, and uncomfortable? How is that going to make anyone feel better?

You were honest and told her in the past. She wasn't in the postion to give you that relationship you want. She is with someone else, so is in even less of a position to do so now. 

I've been in your shoes. Keeping it in is difficult and a heavy weight to bear. I'm normally one to say don't keep things in and to get your emotions out there. But in this case, there is a greater cause to protect. It's not ethical to interfere in an existing relationship. It's more likely to hurt all three of you and could damage any kind of relationship you may have with her. The risks outweight any potential benefit.

I have total sympathy for your situation. I actually admire you for how deep you must feel for her. To have such strong feelings for so long is a sign of just how much you do care. That is longer then most relationships and a good amount of marriages. But if you do care that much, you have to know deep down that you can't interefere if she is happy.

Should the relationship come to an end naturally, I would jump on it. I would let her know you''ve always cared but still allow her space to heal and say you are willing to be there when she is ready. But unless that happens, you have to find a way to keep going without her.

[AndyPandy]

On 5/26/2024 at 1:07 PM, Kwothe28 said:

Its not "Probably yes", its "Definitely yes". And the fact that you cant even see that nore how hard you are in a friendzone and how that woman would never in a million years be with you, is kinda concerning. 

You maybe dont have anything going on and you create some kind of fantasy how you two can somehow, someday be together. But you need to snap out of that because its not healthy for you.

You've beaten to me to it in warning that this is really unhealthy behaviour. One of my friends periodically goes through phases like this where he'll insist that some woman is interested and it's a matter of time before she abandons her boyfriend in favour of him.

All the while it's quite clear to the rest of us that he's been at best, friend-zoned. In the 27 years that I've known him, never has his unrequited love been fulfilled in any of these instances.

The OP asked for kindness, here's my attempt be as kind as possible on this subject. Abandon all hope that this woman will ever see you as anything more than a friend because you're missing out on meeting someone who would be interested in a romantic scenario with you and it's likely that you've overlooked admirers and potentials during the past eight years. Cease contact with her if necessary.

On 5/26/2024 at 2:49 PM, smackie9 said:

She knows how you feel about her...us women are not that stupid to not notice.

Respectfully disagree here. I can think of several situations where women genuinely did not know how I felt about them. On one occasion with a lady who became my girlfriend, she was shocked to learn that I was attracted to her. Not everyone possesses a finely tuned radar. 🙂

On 5/26/2024 at 2:49 PM, smackie9 said:

The mom talk: You robbed yourself of the best dating years to meet someone that actually would have the most meaning to you and your future like marriage, children, someone to grow old with. Now please put this to rest, be the best you can be mentally and start fresh with a new outlook. There is someone out there that will be worth 100 times more that this person you have been chasing for almost a decade.

Completely agree. He could have a reality which would be far more beneficial to his life than the fantasy that he's succumbed to. It's there for the taking if he's prepared to reject the illusion - which can be a struggle if you've committed yourself to it for that amount of time.

(There's so many people who need this kind of mom talk - including my friend...)

[ShySoul]

5 minutes ago, AndyPandy said:

One of my friends periodically goes through phases like this where he'll insist that some woman is interested and it's a matter of time before she abandons her boyfriend in favour of him.

I think there are levels to how people feel. To convince yourself that the woman is going abandon the boyfriend because she is secretly in love with you is carrying on a delusion and is unhealthy. It's also not genuine love for the person because you are placing your desire for the relationship above the well being of the woman you are supposed to care about.

But you can still be in love with someone who is taken and approach it from a healthier point of view. You can recognize that, at this point in time, you can't be with them. You can still have some hope that might one day change. And you can still move forward and have a happy, productive life doing what you love. If you're heart isn't ready to give up, trying to force it to won't work. I've actually known it to backfire and cause feelings to even deepen.

17 minutes ago, AndyPandy said:

you're missing out on meeting someone who would be interested in a romantic scenario with you and it's likely that you've overlooked admirers and potentials during the past eight years.

On 5/25/2024 at 10:53 PM, rabbitrok said:

In the past 8 years I haven't even been interested in anyone else. Yes I have been on dates but they never really go past date one

He's not overlooking potential partners though. He has been on dates. He has tried to find someone and people have been interested in him. But he isn't interested in them. If he hasn't come across the right person, then he hasn't come across the right person. When the heart is ready, and the right person is there, I'm sure he'll know. If he hasn't met anyone else that he can see himself with, then that's just how it is, not necessarily any sign of unhealthy behavior.

 

[smackie9]

16 hours ago, AndyPandy said:

You've beaten to me to it in warning that this is really unhealthy behaviour. One of my friends periodically goes through phases like this where he'll insist that some woman is interested and it's a matter of time before she abandons her boyfriend in favour of him.

All the while it's quite clear to the rest of us that he's been at best, friend-zoned. In the 27 years that I've known him, never has his unrequited love been fulfilled in any of these instances.

The OP asked for kindness, here's my attempt be as kind as possible on this subject. Abandon all hope that this woman will ever see you as anything more than a friend because you're missing out on meeting someone who would be interested in a romantic scenario with you and it's likely that you've overlooked admirers and potentials during the past eight years. Cease contact with her if necessary.

Respectfully disagree here. I can think of several situations where women genuinely did not know how I felt about them. On one occasion with a lady who became my girlfriend, she was shocked to learn that I was attracted to her. Not everyone possesses a finely tuned radar. 🙂

Completely agree. He could have a reality which would be far more beneficial to his life than the fantasy that he's succumbed to. It's there for the taking if he's prepared to reject the illusion - which can be a struggle if you've committed yourself to it for that amount of time.

(There's so many people who need this kind of mom talk - including my friend...)

In his circumstance, she knows IMO. 

[catfeeder]

Quote

how to move forward while dealing with 8 yrs of unrequited love?

I would stop dealing with the 8 yrs of unrequited love. Period.

We never regain any wasted time to re-live over again. If you need professional help to let this go, that would be time and money well spent. Your quality of life is within your own hands, not anyone else's.