Head is fried

[Amod47]

Hi everyone. 

Back in December I started dating a guy (lets call him Ben). We hit it off statight away, we had both admitted to never feeling a connection deep with anyone else before and we both fell extremely hard and extremely quickly. Every aspect of the future was being discussed. 

Cut a very long story short, he ended things because he had a lot of personal issues happening and it wasn't the right time for us. He said he doesn't know what the future holds on if we will ever be together as he doesn't know what heads pace he will be in.

A quick run down of those personal issues; he found out he cant have kids, his dog is dying, he night move country and he's also not processed his previous breakup.

It's a lot for any one to go through. We continued to stay friends (it was destroyingly hard for me) but because of the connection, it always led to sex, cuddles and intimate conversations.

We're at a point now where besr enough all of it has stopped bevause of his mental heads pace. Which is fine. He's really not in a good place and I'm trying my absolute hardest to support him but I'm also very much the type of person who gets obsessive snd starts spiralling if I don't get a text back or I feel as if I'm being ghosted. He's already told me it's nothing personal and he needs to deal eith things, which I get it, but it just doesn't stop me over thinking and over alanysing. I know he also sees his ex most days and she is helping with the dog situation. 

How can I get out of my head and actually be a good friend here? How can I stop taking things so personally when there's bigger things happening. I genuinly care for him and regardless if there's any potential future for us I want to support him but I can't do that when I get anxious and sick if I don't get a text back. 

 

[Kwothe28]

19 minutes ago, Amod47 said:

know he also sees his ex most days and she is helping with the dog situation. 

Yeah, issues or not, he is trying to get back to his ex. You are being used as an “emotional pillow” to talk and have sex. Sort of like a therapist. Who also sleeps with patient but you get the point.

The soon as the ex approves that he can come back to her, you and your pillow will be gone for him. Stop the contact before you get more hurt when that happens.

 

[Amod47]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yeah, issues or not, he is trying to get back to his ex. You are being used as an “emotional pillow” to talk and have sex. Sort of like a therapist. Who also sleeps with patient but you get the point.

The soon as the ex approves that he can come back to her, you and your pillow will be gone for him. Stop the contact before you get more hurt when that happens.

 

The thing with this is, she wants to get back with him but he doesn't. He has apparently given her the same response of "I don't know what the future holds" and has also said "for both of you right now, it's a no" in regards to potential for future relationships. He's very aware that both myself snd his ex want more 

[catfeeder]

He's throwing everything but the kitchen sink at you to get you to let go.

I'd do that.

[waffle]

16 minutes ago, Amod47 said:

 . . . "it's a no" in regards to potential for future relationships.

When you finally meet a guy who's all in with you and wants a future with you, he will not say the above.  He will be clear with you in what he wants, and he will share with you how he plans to get there (and it won't be the way-too- early fake future talk).  He won't risk losing you to someone else while he monkeys around making excuses and playing footsies with exes.  And you will wonder why you ever wasted time and energy on guys like this one.

[Amod47]

47 minutes ago, waffle said:

When you finally meet a guy who's all in with you and wants a future with you, he will not say the above.  He will be clear with you in what he wants, and he will share with you how he plans to get there (and it won't be the way-too- early fake future talk).  He won't risk losing you to someone else while he monkeys around making excuses and playing footsies with exes.  And you will wonder why you ever wasted time and energy on guys like this one.

I'm finding it difficult because at the start of us 'getting together' he did just this. He told me exactly what he wanted with me and when and how we were going to get there together and then it all went away over night because of these "issues". 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Amod47 said:

I'm finding it difficult because at the start of us 'getting together' he did just this. He told me exactly what he wanted with me and when and how we were going to get there together and then it all went away over night because of these "issues". 

He was love bombing you to get some fun, and now he's done.

[Amod47]

Regardless of his issues and whether there will be any potential for us etc, I still have the problem if spiralling when I don't get a text bavk after a while- this has been the same for precious relationships and only happens when there is some form of tension/negativity. If the relationship(romantic or friendship) is in a good place then the replies don't bother me. But right mow I'm at a constant anxious mess checking my phone and triple texting. Distractions only go so far, my mind is constantly busy and trying to distract myself only works in the "now" and the feelings come back.

How can I stop feeling this 

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, Amod47 said:

"I don't know what the future holds" and has also said "for both of you right now, it's a no" in regards to potential for future relationships

When a person speaks they are most likely telling the truth. So often people want to look for subtext or ulterior motives. And sometimes that's true. But generally, people are an open book. They tell you what's on their mind. 

He is telling you the truth. He isn't ready for a relationship right now. The future could hold anything. He might change his mind, he might not. But at this point he is not in the mental space for a relationship. So believe him. The first step is in not seeing this as a relationship. If you harbor the throught that you could get back with him if you only you can hold on long enough or be a good enough friend, then you will increase your anxiety. You'll be more prone to overthinking and questioning everything. You have to come to terms with seeing things as they are in this moment, just a friendship. That puts your expectations lower, to what you would expect from any other friend.

I'd also suggest finding ways to calm yourself. I'm guessing your mind starts thinking of various scenarios and things that could go wrong. You wonder what he is doing and why he hasn't called back. You question if you did anything to cause this. Your imagination runs away with itself. Instead, take a moment to step back and look at it logically. The most likely answer is that the person is busy and simply can't answer right away. It's nothing nefarious or intentional. It's just a case of time. If he does have a lot going on, there are things that occupy his time. Even in free moments, he may just need a break, a chance to do nothing. But in the end, he'll get in touch. 

I wouldn't try to distract myself. Even the word distract implies avoiding something. But you can't avoid things forever. They naturally will come back because you haven't fully dealt with it. Instead a like to think of it as channeling my feelings into something. Find a hobby you enjoy and makes you happy. Then throw yourself into it. Take the feelings and write them into a story. Do some kind of art or craft. Do something physcial. Point is to have fun so your mind is on something postive and uplifting, so that the negative thoughts don't have the opportunity to drag you down.

 

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yeah, issues or not, he is trying to get back to his ex. You are being used as an “emotional pillow” to talk and have sex. Sort of like a therapist. Who also sleeps with patient but you get the point.

Just because someone sees their ex regularly, does not mean they are trying to get back with them. They may simply have been able to work things out and remained friends. My brother has two ex wives. With the second they were bonded by children, so will always be connected. With the first they just knew they made better friends then spouses. She was there when his daughter was diagnosed with a serious health issue. He's been there when she's had emergencies. None of the parties have any plans to ever be back together.

This guy seems clear that he doesn't want a relationship right now. He doesn't seem to be using anyone or trying to get with anyone in particular. If anything it's the women who need to step back and not let there feelings for more override their judgment.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Amod47 said:

Regardless of his issues and whether there will be any potential for us etc, I still have the problem if spiralling when I don't get a text bavk after a while- this has been the same for precious relationships and only happens when there is some form of tension/negativity. If the relationship(romantic or friendship) is in a good place then the replies don't bother me. But right mow I'm at a constant anxious mess checking my phone and triple texting. Distractions only go so far, my mind is constantly busy and trying to distract myself only works in the "now" and the feelings come back.

How can I stop feeling this 

You can only control your reactions to your feelings -you can choose to react by not texting him at all or certainly not again, you can choose to turn your phone off and put it in another room -you can choose to practice the Weil method of 4-7-8 breathing (google it) to work on redirecting and grounding yourself. If you find ways  to react to your feelings in a healthful way the feelings will eventually recede to the periphery like an annoying fly buzzing in the background.

[yogacat]

Awe I'm sorry, but sometimes things just don't work out even if we truly believe we've met the right person but sadly the time isn't right and maybe it never will be in the future. Honestly, it sounds like he and his ex are still entangled.

I think him saying I don't know what the future holds or if we'll ever be together meant that he left the door open in case he did not work things out with his ex, or because he was still processing his break up from her.

Dating can be tricky, especially if they're still dealing with the loss/breakup of another relationship or past things in their life. It's not fair to you to be the second choice or the person he's using to cope.

However, yeah no, until he's seriously over and done with his ex, there won't be much focus anywhere else.

Regardless of the reasons, it doesn't matter because you have to make the decision that this isn't what you want, nor do you deserve, and walk away.

If it's meant to be he'll work things out with his ex OR he'll settle down and once he's in a good place, he can contact you.

But please, don't wait around for him, because we never know what the future holds and you should start looking ahead towards the good things in life that make YOU happy and fulfilled.

[catfeeder]

22 hours ago, Amod47 said:

... I still have the problem if spiralling when I don't get a text bavk after a while...

How can I stop feeling this 

Stop texting him.

[TeeDee]

You can't be a good friend to him because you want more.  Be a good friend to yourself & put a LOT of distance in here.  He's using you for NSA sex & that's hurting you.  If he cares about you he will not come knocking.  At most all you have to do is be polite if you randomly run into each other, unplanned.