I lost my only friend

[TacticalLinguine]

Maybe I could get your thoughts. I’m sorry for the length. 
 

I’m 25F, she is 26F. We were friends as kids and reconnected half a year ago. 
 

It’s been a blast. I’m very busy and career focused, she got out of an 8 year relationship just a year ago, so we were, I guess, “living it up” like normal single women in their mid 20s. We went partying, out for drinks, hiking, we had our “car therapy sessions”, midnight McDonald’s visits. Just a couple days ago we went to a playground, me in my best tux straight from a nasty conference and she in her office attire, and we made complete fools out of ourselves. There have been a lot of laughs. 
 

We have bumped heads before but quickly moved on. I’m very straight forward, not all that emotional, and I say what I think. She has a tendency to turn everything personal and think anything and everything is aimed at her, which really isn’t the case. 
 

Last night, she shared that her sister is pregnant again. Instead of being happy, she disappeared on me for a while, then resurfaced with a rant about how she’s almost 27 (her birthday is tomorrow), has no man in her life, no this, no that. At first I was understanding. But I cannot, for the life of me, get behind this egocentric “I can’t be happy, there is nothing I can do, nobody understands, me me me” mentality. Her sister is pregnant. She should be happy? Instead she puts a spin on it and makes it about her and how everything is horrible. Same thing happened when I went on a date that meant a lot to me; she mentioned she was jealous and completely abandoned me for the whole day. Others can’t be happy and have some success without it being about her and what she is missing. She immediately throws a temper tantrum. 
 

It is incredibly draining. So yesterday I told her honestly that I think she has the mentality of a chronic victim. She doesn’t have to pay rent/mortage, no car payment, even the food is bought for her. All she does is shop and then act bitter when someone is happy. She wouldn’t even look at me when a random man on a motorcycle drove up to me, gave me a high five, and drove away. I can’t talk to her about dating because she immediately gets grumpy, but then goes on about the men she’s had, their “packages” and other graphic details that I do not want to hear. 
 

I know it’s better it ended. But yet I feel horrible. I was quite objective yet harsh in what I said about her attitude, but it’s what I know. I’m diagnosed bipolar, I went to hell and back before I understood my diagnosis and how to live with it. I believe in control over oneself and thick skin, her mindset was starting to bring me down, too. I am empathetic to people and their harder times, I get it, but I can’t feed into the “I can’t and I won’t” thing. She once threw a fit because her degree is incredibly specific and finding jobs is HARD, so when I started offering solutions and possibilities for extra training and certificates so she COULD find a better job, even at one of my companies, it was the equivalent of a child stomping their feet. Nothing was good enough. I offered to bring a deck of cards to our outing that was supposed to be this Saturday, got a pissy-pissy response that I was “planning too much”. Invited her for a night run fun event in October, “no she has a specific style of running”. She just hates running. 
 

I hated all of that. But the good times, which DEFINITELY outweighed the bad, were really great. I was really happy. I was feeling confident again. I clearly hurt her. I tried talking and calling, but she unfriended/blocked or simply ignored me, so I told her okay, I’m moving on. So it’s done. And she literally was my only friend. I feel like I have lost everything now, and I really don’t know what to do. I work most of the time, my current hobbies don’t really involve people, meet-up groups and clubs are university based. 
 

I really don’t know. 

[TeeDee]

Some people don't want to hear the negatives & like to complain.  You know she's one of them but since she was your only friend & you had some laughs it will be hard without her. 

You can try harder to apologize but then you will be back putting up with her drama. 

Instead maybe make some more effort to enlarge your social circle.  Do you know anybody interesting in your field?  Can you reach back to a HS or college buddy?  Is there anybody in your building / neighborhood that looks interesting?   Can you join something that interests you to meet like minded people? 

[Kwothe28]

Please rephrase it better next time. I thought she was dead lol

Anyway, I think I already wrote on some other thread, but lots of our friends are "situational" kind. not the real kind of friends. "Situational" means that you hang out because of the circumstances but that you are not real friends. For example, real friend would be glad you got out on a date and found a boyfriend. This one just isnt that so there is no need to cry too much over this.

As for the other problem, you dont seem to have too much in common with her. Maybe try to go to more events that you have interest in, even by yourself. That way you would maybe find somebody who would have the same interests so you could hang out.

Also, is she one of those "activists" with something like gender studies degree? The way you described her she sounds like one? 😁

[ShySoul]

The thing with "chronic victims" is that attempts to call them on their behavior just gives them a new opportunity to play the victim. Now you are the one attacking them and trying to tell them what to do. At the same time, you don't want to play into their victimhood and just agree with them. It's a delicate balance to weave and one a lot of people can't navigate. So they give up, which just sends the chronic victim into another bout of complaints about no one being there. It's an endless loop for them.

These people are generally lonely and lash out because they don't know how to cure the hurt they feel inside. Any reminder of other peoples happiness just reminds them of their unhappiness. Until they learn to be happy with themselves, they will never be healed. 

In dealing with them, listen to a point to give them the feeling of being heard. A pregnant sister is a joyful situation. But it's also painful reminder of whats missing for those who feel alone in the world. So be sympathetic. Then lead by example. Do things with them that avoids their complaints or forces them to do the things that would solve their issues. And if it still doesn't work, it's fine to walk away (assuming you have that option).

[ShySoul]

As for having friends, just live your life and do what you enjoy doing. Be happy being alone and simply have fun. Friendships will happen when they are suppose to happen. The couple of true friends I've had in my life came when I wasn't looking and didn't have to do anything to get. We met by chance and simply talked, realizing we had much in common. A friend could be anywhere and met at any time. So don't worry or stress about it. Just focus on your life and be open to things when they come up.

And if you really want to meet new people, there are groups for everything under the sun. What is your hobby?  I guarantee there is a message board or site out there for it. I love to play a niche card and dice game by myself. Most people have probably never heard of it. Yet there were enough players in the area to have a small get together last year and quarterly online gatherings for players all over the world. Whatever your interest, someone out there shares it.

[Cherylyn]

Like you,  I too have nostalgic feelings of past good times with some people in my life.  Unfortunately,  people change due to life's harsh circumstances,  whom they meet,  marry,  have a family with,  it could be poor health,  financial struggles,  character defects,  relationship woes and it runs the gamut.  You don't recognize the same person anymore because they've changed drastically like night and day.  Sometimes they exhibit a Jekkyl 'n Hyde personality or they've become so tainted and worldly beyond your comprehension. 

There are times when you realize the kindest cut is to cut them off in order for you to live your life in peace.  This is your way of enforcing healthy boundaries for yourself. 

Life is full of regrets.  It's worse to have regrets due to hanging onto friendships which are abnormal,  toxic,  abusive and dysfunctional.  No sense being with people whom you're not happy with.  Normal people don't give you lots of stress. 

Be with those who know how to treat you with respect,  harmony,  empathy,  graciousness,  kindness,  consideration and all virtues you hold dear.  Everyone else doesn't matter and they're nothing but a waste of your precious time,  energy and resources.  😒  Been there,  done that.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're hurting.  Did you typically give her unsolicited input on her mindset/reactions/victimhood or did she ask you what you thought about her flavor of the day rant about how life was so unfair to her? Around your age-ish -a bit later -I learned with rare exception to stop giving unsolicited advice and/or telling someone something they already knew.  It meant holding back a lot but it also improved my close friendships. 

And as an aside when I was 27 I wanted to be a mom so so badly and my sister who was then 32 already had 3 of her 4 kids and seemed to be soooo happily married so yes I was jealous and also because my mother favored her when it came to giving attention -my sister took priority because she had the job and role of mother.  Yes I could be happy for her, yes I was a very involved Aunt to her kids and it still hurt a lot and I was jealous! So I feel for your friend and at the same time I get that she's all victim hood pity party about everything.

If she comes back around or you do I'd see if maybe different boundaries would help -have your fun with her, avoid the trigger topics and/or ask her if she's looking for your input and if she rants too much make a polite excuse and or end the evening early.

I'm sorry you're hurting -been there!!

[TacticalLinguine]

Well she texted me yesterday. This is how it went. 

Her: I'm down to talk if you are. If you're not, that's fine. 
(The last part read incredibly passive aggressive in our language, but I ignored it)

Me: Do you want to talk or just move on? Next time we'll know better. I'm not holding a grudge. 

Her: I can if I keep some things to myself from now on. 
(Came off very passive aggressive once again, I don't think it quite translates to English)

Me, a day later: That's cool. I feel the same way to be honest. Sometimes people are different, doesn't make us right or wrong. Sorry for the late response, it was a long day. A lot has happened since we last talked hahah.

She replied with a thumbs up emoji. And, yeah. That's it. I have not responded and don't think I will either. I attempted to steer the conversation away and actually, well, move on, but she often has this idea that people need to 'work for her' e.g. a guy asked her out once and she was butthurt that he didn't 'try more' after she rejected him. I refuse to do that. A week ago I tried calling her, she ignored, and very blatantly discarded me. I tried already. 

It's ironic because, what I haven't mentioned, we had a trip planned. A big trip, for the end of the year. The very same day we had the fight, I'd booked it. And then off of emotion, she goes 'Oh by the way I'm not coming,' leaving me in a poor situation in front of other people and kind of screwing with my plans and money. THAT is when I more or less snapped at her, and when she blocked me. She hasn't owned up to any of that, but scolds me and sends me an emoji after I didn't fall for the passive aggressive victim bait.  

Why even text me.

[Kwothe28]

9 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Her: I'm down to talk if you are. If you're not, that's fine. 
(The last part read incredibly passive aggressive in our language, but I ignored it)

Me: Do you want to talk or just move on? Next time we'll know better. I'm not holding a grudge. 

I do realize that you may not want to reconcile. But in a spirit of a conversation, you answer the question with

”Yes, we can call/meet”

”No, there is no need”

Not with “Do you want to talk or just move on?”. She already asked if you want to talk so that implies she reached out with the intention to talk. Also leaving her on “read” for a day is also passive- aggressive thing. So you are both guilty at that. Again, I dont blame you for not wanting to talk to her and not wanting your friendship to continue, just saying that you should also be more clear and concise about it in a conversation. 

[TacticalLinguine]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I do realize that you may not want to reconcile. But in a spirit of a conversation, you answer the question with

”Yes, we can call/meet”

”No, there is no need”

Not with “Do you want to talk or just move on?”. She already asked if you want to talk so that implies she reached out with the intention to talk. Also leaving her on “read” for a day is also passive- aggressive thing. So you are both guilty at that. Again, I dont blame you for not wanting to talk to her and not wanting your friendship to continue, just saying that you should also be more clear and concise about it in a conversation. 

Well, no. Had she said she wanted to talk, I would have. I tried to talk to her a week ago. But things have calmed down and I don't know what there is to talk about anymore, things are as they are, we're different, I would like to just move on, so I gave her the option? She can choose an approach according to her needs, she's an adult. 

I was out on business yesterday and crashed after getting home at night. No there was nothing passive aggressive about it. She knows I'm busy, and I apologised.
 

[Batya33]

I'd be much more cautious about reading into typed words passive aggressive or other negative connotations unless there are specific words she uses that mean she is doing that, for example. I agree with Kwok28.

That's awful what she did to you in the past with the planned holiday.

[Kwothe28]

21 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I would like to just move on, so I gave her the option? 

No. She reached out and gave you the option. You decided not to be concise and say that you dont want to talk. Need to be better with words so you wont get stuck in a limbo like this. 

Also, I am sorry, but you dont need a day to answer a message. Unless you dont really want to answer.

[catfeeder]

I think your responses were fine. You sidestepped shutting her down in a mean way, and you negotiated a mutual parting without hostility. That's admirable.

 

 

[ShySoul]

You've done the mature, responsible adult thing. You were incredibly fair and gave her multiple opportunites. You were nice and tried not to hold things against her. You did everything you could. If she reacts poorly and can't accept responsibility on her end, that's on her. Let it be. You are better off without that negativity in your life. 

Can you cancel the trip to save money? Or find someone else to go? Even go alone. Enjoying yourself would be the best payback for her behavior. You get to have fun while she gets to miss out.

[rainbowsandroses]

Hi Tactical, first off I am really sorry you lost a friend.  I think sometimes losing a friend is more painful than losing a boyfriend! 

I posted a story here not to long ago about a falling out I had with a childhood friend (since third grade) in college and it was extremely painful!  We didn't talk for TWO years until one day she reached out and we've maintained our friendship ever since.

My step-sister is very much like your friend, always bytching about one thing or another, there are many people like this.  What I have learned about people is that some people will complain about whatever even when things are going well!  And there's not a damn thing I (or most people) can do about it except take them/accept them or leave them.

My SS's husband has been listening to her complaining for going on 15 years and he simply listens (or pretends to lol) or tells her a joke, tries to make her laugh or something.  And it works!  She does laugh!  And suddenly she's in good spirits again. 

For me when it happens, I listen for a short while, say nothing and then change the subject or steer the conversation away from the complaining/moaning/bytching and on to something positive. 

Just a suggestion what works for me and my SS's husband IF by chance you were to patch things up.

That said, if it does bring you down too much, it's OKAY to step back from her and even the friendship for awhile.  I am also diagnosed with Bipolar (Bipolar 2 which is not as severe as Bipolar 1 however I still struggle with mood swings as the good folks here can attest to 😂), and cannot be around negative people/energy for too long before I myself will start to lose it!!

So I am totally with ya there about stepping away and taking a break.

Anyway, again JMO and I do hope you can patch things up because good friends are not that easy to come by especially as we get older.

It takes understanding, lots of patience and knowing when to stay quiet and simply listen.

JMO, good luck. 😀

 

 

 

 

[LootieTootie]

Go on the trip by yourself if you have no one. You might meet some interesting people or might actually enjoy the trip 🙂

I am going to be neutral here even tho I think your friend is a bit hardheaded, I think this is part of growing pains. You both are young and even tho you both been friends for a long time, doesn't mean you both were ever a good fit as friends who hung out a lot. I also think that for most people, some of their personality traits only get more dominant as they got older, and sometimes the other party can get tired of it (which was your case).

You did fine. Your friend will be fine. Hopefully you both stay civil and say hi, and if she doesn't later when you see her, that just tells you- she hasn't grown up.

[MarkLee]

yes, it worked for me, i met a few people there and they are now my friends for life.

[Cherylyn]

I've learned that despite the convenience and inclination to text (or email / message / voicemails / social media),  it's not always as effective as a phone conversation or speaking face to face.  With some people,  the most old-fashioned verbal whether via phone or in person,  is best because there's active,  audio back 'n forth dialogue,  real facial expressions and an opportunity to have the best,  most thorough explanations during a conversation. 

I've discovered that if you really want to get to know a person better than from past memories and cell phones / PC,  is to have in person conversations and second best would be a phone chat.  It's easier to get into an argument via text, emails, etc. 

As mentioned earlier,  people change and the friendship is not the same as years ago.  Life changes.  People's attitudes and perspectives change from life's experiences.  Some people become bitter,  resentful,  wary and jaded whereas others had wonderful experiences,  successful relationship(s) and life is as smooth as gravy. 

I hear you about some entitled brats because everything is financially provided for them.  It happens.  Both of you don't have a lot in common and it's difficult to relate to a person who is spoiled and doesn't have to work hard in order to earn their way for survival. 

Losing a friend is not really a loss.  It's a win.  You will release some people from your life and it was meant to be.  Some people were meant to endure in your life whereas others don't qualify nor deserve to be in your life.