Feel like my boyfriend hates me

[Lillypoo]

Hi, I sound like a broken record on this forum as I've spoke about similar issues. I have been with my boyfriend about 2 years. We do not live together. He lives 45 minute drive from me, i do not drive but he does. He is autistic. It is very challenging at times, he does not understand some social rules, hates crowds and loud noise, he finds it hard to make decisions on what we do when we see other, what to watch on tv, what to have for dinner. I make all the decisions, but if something we do is not right or he doesn't like it he blames me. I try to always make him food he likes to eat. I try to choose places where it might be quiet because i care about him and want him to be happy and that does not bother me. The issue is he tells me i don’t care about him. I ask “what makes you think i don’t care about you?” His reply “ i don’t feel it.” I felt very hurt by this because I really care about him, i give him affection, even though i don't get much affection back. I have read, listened and watched lots of things on ASN (autism) and how to make his life easier. No one has ever said I'm uncaring ever, i care too much about the ones i love. I tried to get him to expand on “i dont feel it” but he just ignored me. I snore and i am aware that it is annoying for him but i have tried different things to stop or help the noise but nothing has worked, ive been to the doctors and they did not suggest much. I bought him high quality comfortable ear plugs which he wears but occasionally makes a dig that he makes all the effort because of my snoring. I cant help my snoring. He gets really upset with me and moody and then i feel horrible because ive done that to him. I feel like he doesnt see all the things i do in the relationship. I pay for all the food, he comes to mine because he now lives at his parents and he is renting his apartment. He is off work just now due to another health condition which i think ive been supportive about. I work long hours and he complains that i dont go to the gym to work out, im not fat but im not skinny, ive not put on weight since i met him, i have lost some. He goes to the gym all the time.  I feel like he has small digs at my weight at times, which i now have resulted in me wearing a tshirt in bed when i did not before. He never compliments me but is happy to say other girls are hot or sexy on tv in-front of me. I have tried to sit and speak out issues i have but he says “ you are always getting at me, i cant do or say anything right” or “you are causing a drama”. Im the one that feels that they cant do anything right. And i feel he hates me. 
Im currently sitting in my house while he is sleeping in bed because i kept him up with my snoring and i decided to order him food for when he wakes up but i got snapped at “you know im on a diet, im not eating!” I thought i was being kind and thoughtful but obviously not. 
There was a loud noise outside last night so i went out to look, i disrupted him sleeping and he moaned at me, i honestly thought something was happening to his car thats why i went to look. I just cant do anything right in his eyes.

[Batya33]

I wouldn’t take it personally. You know he has autism and he has less control over his filters. I’ll let others with more knowledge chime in as to whether he’s doing enough to work on how he treats you and his level of sensitivity as far as getting overstimulated. My dad had a mental illness and poor social skills so he said some embarrassing and sometimes disrespectful stuff. However. He complied with therapy and meds plus he had a really good heart. He really meant well. And he was a doctor who really cares about his work and patients etc. It helped me forgive him - later in life especially- it was obvious he wanted the best for us. That went a long way. I am NOT saying autism or ASD is a mental illness at all. I’m simply saying I had intimate first hand experience with a family member with special needs and in his case a disability. I’m not meaning to apply wrong labels here. I have many friends with kids who are on the spectrum. 
if the way he treats you doesn’t work for you I’d leave. This I mean separately. Even if it’s because of or exacerbated by his autism you don’t have to date him or be in a serious relationship if it’s this much of a struggle. I’m sorry you’re frustrated. You seem to be twisting yourself in a pretzel to accommodate him. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lillypoo said:

. The issue is he tells me i don’t care about him. I ask “what makes you think i don’t care about you?” His reply “ i don’t feel it.” I felt very hurt by this because I really care about him, i give him affection, even though i don't get much affection back

Sorry this is still happening. Please understand that you're not his doctor and "caring too much" isn't a good thing when you lose yourself in a relationship. Even though you're trying to understand the ASD, it's not an excuse to be mean and nasty towards you.  Perhaps it's time to reflect on why you're in an unhappy relationship rather than trying to fix and change him and trying to rearrange yourself around someone who treats you poorly.

 

[Kwothe28]

Again with "Marshalpoo" dynamics...

Autistic or not, you dont have to endure all that negatives about him. Him not working, mooching on you, criticizing your weight, your sleep etc. You can do without that in your life and be more happy.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Lillypoo said:

The issue is he tells me i don’t care about him. I ask “what makes you think i don’t care about you?” His reply “ i don’t feel it.” 

@Lillypoo, I interpret his response "I don't feel it" as meaning HE is not "feeling it" for you and is projecting that on to you by accusing you of not feeling it for him. 

His lack of feelings for you is further indicated by how horribly and disrespectfulfully he treats you. 

Borderline if not full on verbally and emotionally abusive. 

I do know people with autism and while they do have limitations expressing themselves emotionally and in other ways, they are capable of feeling emotions in a healthy way and some of the kindest, loveliest people I know. 

Your boyfriend whether autistic or not has very little if any respect for you imo.  Heck it doesn't appear he even likes you as a person let alone a girlfriend from what you've posted. 

My advice is instead of loving him so much, too much imo, start loving yourself.

You're doing way too much for him which not only does he not appreciate or respect but stomps on and smashes.

It's debasing and demeaning.

My late mom left me with these words which I have never forgotten whether one is religious or not.

"The good Lord did not place us on this Earth to be martyrs."

Stop being a martyr to this man Lilly and start loving and respecting yourself.

I was nearly in tears reading your post, no one deserves how this man treats you

It's hurtful and cruel and not due to autism imo. 

 

 

[smackie9]

Sorry autistic or not he's a jerk and you have to stop being this guy's doormat. He will never change or stop being this way to you...you are over doing it, and he taken advantage of your kindness and effort. Girl you need to go out and find your self worth...plenty of nice decent guys out there to date that would treat you like a queen. You need to dump this guy. Seems scary at first but I guarantee you, you will feel like a big weight is lifted off of you so you can breath again...mind, body and soul.

[Andrina]

It doesn't matter what you perceive his reasons for being abusive toward you entails. Nobody gets a free pass. If a person can't be civil and kind the majority of the time toward their partner, then he shouldn't have one.

Your self worth is severely lacking for not walking away as soon as you saw this pattern. He's not going to change so you need to by breaking up and then building your self love so that you will never accept this sort of poor treatment again.

P.S. My husband is autistic and he's never been verbally abusive toward me. Some of his social skills, in certain situations, are atypical, but that has never involved being mean-spirited.

[AndyPandy]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Girl you need to go out and find your self worth...plenty of nice decent guys out there to date that would treat you like a queen. You need to dump this guy.

Indeed - and people who are toxic and abusive work to blind us to our self-worth and the fact that plenty of other people exist in the world who will recognise our worth and treat us accordingly. They get off on making other people feel unhappy and worthless - and they derive pleasure and satisfaction at the knowledge that they're denying you the opportunity to find someone who would appreciate you.

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Seems scary at first but I guarantee you, you will feel like a big weight is lifted off of you so you can breath again...mind, body and soul.

This is exactly what I'm experiencing right now after recently escaping from a toxic and abusive situation. The relief that sweeps throughout your soul as you begin to heal and detox is incredible and you end up wondering what you ever saw in them in the first place and why you endured their BS for so (too) long.

[MissCanuck]

Lily, what is your question, exactly? 

[Jaunty]

Are you getting anything positive out of being in this relationship at all?  Why do you choose to be in it?  "Because I love him" is not an acceptable answer.  I understand those feelings, but there needs to be something in it for you.

[Capricorn3]

11 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Sorry autistic or not he's a jerk and you have to stop being this guy's doormat. He will never change or stop being this way to you...you are over doing it, and he taken advantage of your kindness and effort. Girl you need to go out and find your self worth...plenty of nice decent guys out there to date that would treat you like a queen. You need to dump this guy. Seems scary at first but I guarantee you, you will feel like a big weight is lifted off of you so you can breath again...mind, body and soul.

^ THIS nailed it.  My thoughts exactly.

OP, when one reads all your threads about this toxic guy, it boggles the mind WHY you are still with him?  Everyone has been telling you that he's a bad match and yet you stay and let him walk all over you.  WHY?? What are you getting out of his bad behaviour towards you? 😕