Coworker randomly messaged on Facebook during his days off

[Hollsmaur]

So I want to know how best to resolve a situation at work because I feel like it’s gonna be awkward at work on monday. I started a new job 2 months back and there is one coworker who I work with and have to communicate with quite often. He struggles with his mental health and has been quite open about it with me, and as much as I keep it professional, he tells me quite personal things that you perhaps wouldn’t usually tell someone you’ve known for 2 months especially a colleague, so I’d say we’ve become quite friendly with one another. I let him vent as I’ve been there and struggled before and understand sometimes talking to anyone helps. Anyway, he’s been off for a few days and he randomly messaged me on Facebook yesterday.. despite not having me on Facebook and me having absolutely no mutual friends with him so he would of had to search for me. He sent me a message saying “thought I’d bug you at work”, and then he deleted the message straight away and I just replied saying hi, and then he said “I’d have usually been in to say hi by now but I’m not in I hope you don’t mind” so I sent laughing emoji’s back because so random right? Anyway we exchanged a few harmless “how are you” messages and I said something like “bet you’re excited to come back to work on Monday” and he replied with “yes only so I can come bug you though” and also said “I am now” when I asked if he was having a good day so far.. anyway in the end he stopped replying, and then sent me another “morning how’s work” today to which I didn’t reply. Why would he be doing this? It’s come out of nowhere, he has a girlfriend he isn’t happy with but how the *** do you tackle this without making it super awkward?! He’s like 10 years older than me and hasn’t flirted with me in person so I’m a bit weirded out. 

[DarkCh0c0]

You see each other at work, and that's enough. You can just say "see ya at work/later" and leave it there.

If you don't appreciate chatting with him that much at work, maybe try not to stumble on him too much?

[Hollsmaur]

I get so paranoid when it comes to friendships with colleagues because work places are riddled with gossip and ***iness so I’ve been very careful but also confused with the ordeal because it’s so random😂 someone else would have to step in and take his role, I genuinely can’t avoid him unfortunately, this is why it may be awkward 

[TeeDee]

You don't address it directly now.  

He was off work, bored & seeking entertainment.  You fit that bill in the moment. 

You do need to address this indirectly for a lot of reasons including preventing awkwardness.   To that end, you would have been better served by replying to his message that you had to work because you are busy at work.   Going forward occasionally mention how you appreciate your cordial professional interactions & that you are happy to have met him.  Use words like colleague, friend & acquaintance.   Never touch him.  Don't laugh too much at his jokes.  Try to avoid being alone with him.  Do your best to keep conversations focused on work or superficial small talk subjects.  

[Andrina]

You're going to have to cordially nip this in the bud now. It's already becoming a pattern that you're not comfortable with, and so if putting up boundaries creates a bit of awkwardness now, it's better than getting into a dynamic you're already regretting. I've been in awkward situations with male colleagues in the past, and the awkward phases eventually faded to us being pleasant when crossing each others paths. Just the way I liked it.

Be honest when he starts venting and put a yield sign up with your hand and say something like: Let me just say I really don't feel comfortable hearing that. Perhaps you have a guy friend you can turn to for that? (Or, if your workplace has resources for counseling, remind him of that)

At other times, if the pleasantries are going on too long, say: Well, I have to cut this conversation short because I have to get back to XYZ.

I wouldn't become FB friends with him, and I would ignore his messages on there.

You can also say that you like to keep your work life separate from your personal life.

There's a chance he has a crush on you, even if he has a gf. Sometimes you have to consider his gf's point of view. If she knew he was venting about her to a pretty colleague, she would definitely not like that. So yeah, he's not being appropriate. 

Read some articles and books on setting boundaries to give you more ideas. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[DarkCh0c0]

53 minutes ago, Hollsmaur said:

get so paranoid when it comes to friendships with colleagues because work places are riddled with gossip and ***iness so I’ve been very careful but also confused with the ordeal because it’s so random😂 someone else would have to step in and take his role, I genuinely can’t avoid him unfortunately, this is why it may be awkward

I feel you. 

I would slowly avoid talking to him online and limit the daily office chats. In the office, just say you need to get something done and cut the convo short. Ofc, you don't have to do this every time, but often enough until he gets the message that you are not his buddy to vent to all the time.

[Batya33]

Great advice. In the past few years I added a few people from work on FB.  With one -if we private message 99% of the time it's about our shared interest- reading fiction and in particular historical fiction.  Her FB posts (I never post) are very harmless -her cats, her cute nephew, stuff going on around town -and I comment in kind -if it ever went to a level like you describe I totally would have boundaries.  Another work friend -we don't work together and until she left recently- we would talk about work but again nothing that couldn't be published in the newspaper.  However we used to have lunch every two months or so and we did have more personal conversations but nothing concerning and we steered clear of any work "gossip".  It can be done. And very rewarding.  I have several close friends I met at work.  Just spoke to one today - I met her in 2000.   I originally met my husband at work!

[LootieTootie]

I wouldn't even respond to him. Sorry, but this man contacting you on FB and what he says is creepster-level.

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, Hollsmaur said:

I get so paranoid when it comes to friendships with colleagues because work places are riddled with gossip and ***iness so I’ve been very careful but also confused with the ordeal because it’s so random

People are going to think whatever they want to think, regardless of what you say or do. All you can do is do your job to the best of your ability and treat people with respect and kindness. If people want to make assumptions, it's on them and not much you can do to change their mind. So don't worry about it. 

If the guy is struggling with mental health, then he is probably looking to any friend he might have. By talking with him and listening, you've become the one he feels comfortable with. In his mind you are close so contactng a friend on Facebook isn't out of the ordinary. Neither is engaging in playful banter. It may be flirting, in which case it would probably be easier for him online. Or it may just be that he feels safe and comfortable with you so thinks he can message you and joke around.

If he does something that makes you uncomfortable, then he needs to know. Say nothing and he'll keep doing it. That will make you feel bad. Try to ignore him, and he'll wonder what happened which would be bad for him. So just be honest with him. Decide what level of friendship you are okay with and what crosses boundaries you don't want crossed. 

[MissCanuck]

You need to establish some boundaries with this man. 

It is already strange enough that he's sharing his mental health problems with you when you don't really know him and he's a colleague. That's a red flag in and of itself. Now he's trying to hit you up privately. 

I would keep your distance and not get into FB chats with him.  It is going to get a lot more awkward if you let this continue and it heads in a direction that's a lot harder to reverse. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You need to establish some boundaries with this man. 

It is already strange enough that he's sharing his mental health problems with you when you don't really know him and he's a colleague. That's a red flag in and of itself. Now he's trying to hit you up privately. 

I would keep your distance and not get into FB chats with him.  It is going to get a lot more awkward if you let this continue and it heads in a direction that's a lot harder to reverse. 

I agree -this is a don't mix business with playing therapist. Also whatever you type can be shown to the company/your bosses and even if your responses are  fine why have the hassle of then being called in to "discuss".