my girlfriend hates my therapist

[Tinydance]

14 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I never said that! Generalising is realising it’s a “general” rule not an absolute rule. That’s surely what generally or generalising means! Unless I’m not in the same English language here! 
 

She doesn’t know her at all which I think is part of her concern/problem.

 

Maybe what would help the OP and his girlfriend would be for the OP to still have a private session with his therapist and then if she does offer a couples counselling, maybe do that together alongside the individual therapy. Or, alternatively seek couples therapy together with a different therapist they are both comfortable with.

 

I sometimes find when someone is in therapy, they are hailed as always right, because they are seen as a victim who needs help, and anyone who says anything alternative (like his girlfriend) is instantly cut down and deemed possessive, jealous, or anything else. She actually may be all of those things, but I think her concerns have a right to also be heard and I would personally have the couple discuss this calmly between themselves and try to come up with a reasonable compromise that works (that might be a new therapist, couples therapy, or another therapeutic method to manage mental health like yoga, or other forms of alternative medicine, or regular exercise or journalling - anything).

 

Basically, she may be in the wrong, I don’t know them, but in my opinion she has a right to concern and to not like it, and not be dismissed and told “it’s none of your business” because, it is really, whilst they are in a relationship.

 

x

But he is allowed to do therapy. Anyone is allowed to do therapy. He doesn't need his girlfriend's permission. She has a right to have a concern, but what is the concern ABOUT? That women *can* be catty, that she doesn't know this therapist? The concern has to be about something and not just "it's a woman."

If she feels jealous that's fine but she doesn't need to act on it. Jealousy is mostly not good and that's why it's called the green eyed monster. Sorry but why should he change his individual therapy to couples therapy with her? Just to placate her and prove the therapist isn't catty or he's not sleeping with her? He's not allowed to do individual therapy because...why?

Let's say if my partner gets a new boss at work and the boss is female. It's OK if I feel jealous but it's not OK to tell my partner to quit his job. Is it OK if I tell my partner he needs to quit because since the boss is female, she *could* be catty. And since she's female, he *could* have an affair with her. When in reality I have no idea who this female boss is, what she's like, or anything about her.

Also if he wants to do therapy and not yoga - it's his choice. Same as if she wants to do salsa classes but not join a book club. Going to therapy isn't an issue so why does he need to change anything. I'm not saying he's right or a victim just because he wants to do therapy. I'm saying doing therapy is normal and his right to do so. So if she has a problem with it that's her issue.

For example I hate sport, always have. If my partner wants to play sport and I don't like it, is that his problem or mine? He's allowed to play sport if it's what he wants, it's a normal thing to do. If I don't like it I would need to be with someone else who doesn't want to play sport.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I agree if the therapist seemed inappropriate or unprofessional in any way then that's different. I was getting the impression from OP's post that right from the start she didn't want him to go to therapy and she also didn't want the therapist to be female. I didn't see anything written in the post that the therapist had actually done anything wrong.

In my opinion your partner also doesn't have a right to ask what you talked about in therapy. The whole point of therapy is it's meant to be confidential. If your partner required you to tell them everything you said in therapy every single time, it completely defeats the purpose. Therapy is meant to be a confidential and safe space. It’s absurd that his girlfriend basically demands and forces him to tell her what he discusses in therapy and gets angry if he doesn't tell her. She has no right to know what is being discussed unless he's threatening to harm himself or other people.

Yes, I was giving a hypothetical of where it is ok for a partner to intervene if his or her partner seems to be in an unprofessional or unethical situation with a health care provider. 

[boltnrun]

The presumption seems to be the OP is seeing the therapist for "relationship issues".  But what if he's not?  What if the things he's trying to work out have nothing to do with his feelings about his relationship or about his girlfriend but are personal issues that could negatively affect his professional life, his interpersonal interactions or his love relationships? 

Not everyone who's partnered is seeing a therapist for relationship issues.

My mental health issues have zero to do with my love relationships.  I am working through childhood traumas that affect all facets of my life.  If my partner demanded I stop therapy or insisted on me seeing a certain gender therapist I would wonder if they truly wanted me to be well.

[JoyfulCompany]

There are good therapists and bad therapists, ethical and unethical, professional and unprofessional. Has nothing to do with gender, please, what year are we in?
There, however, can be transference when working with a therapist of a gender you're attracted to but it's something super normal, super basic and anybody who's been trained would know how to navigate through it.

A good therapist won't try to sway their client's opinion one way or another. If they see a person who's highly influenced by others' opinion, at most they would try to help them develop healthy boundaries. Who could be against that? Only someone who's taking advantage of the lack of boundaries in the first place.
I find it mighty hypocritical to accuse other people of putting thoughts in your partner's head but have no problem if you're the one who bosses said partner around. Moreover, I find it disrespectful to imply that the partner is unable to think for themselves.

A friend or a relative would be a much more biased confidant based on whose side they come from. Therapists generally avoid giving their personal opinion, because they're not there to give advice. Some of them won't say a thing even if asked directly. Others would share personal insights but not where the ground is unstable. Again, depends on the therapist because they're human, they come from different schools of psychology, have different understanding and experience what works better, etc.

А therapeutic process is not about who's right or wrong in a conflict. Conflicts are considered normal, even healthy to a certain extent, can't be solved outside of the couple's intimate space and a good therapist wouldn't try to do that. They would encourage loving communication over unconscious reactivity and try to give useful tools to overall navigate through conflicts with less damage. Somatic practices, questions to ask, approaches to have, whatever. I don't see how therapy would be working if you never open certain topics, as is the one about your partner. It's all connected and it's not a threat against the relationship. It can be, if the relationship is super unhealthy, abusive, controlling but in the direction of "eye-opening". No good therapist would point to a problem where there's none or force an action the client isn't ready and wanting to do.

Lastly, there's a "we" that needs to be treasured and protected but there's also a "me". It's a good thing to take care of the "me", so that you have a stronger, more conscious "we". We shouldn't turn our backs towards our inner world. I'm all for sharing your deepest thoughts and concerns with a partner but 1) willingly, not forcefully; 2) if it's a safe space - not where they would freak out, find it somehow personal against them or dismiss you. So, I think not everything can be solved by sharing it with your partner.

A good therapist won't agree to be the couple's therapist if they simultaneously work with one of the partners.

OP, your girlfriend is very bothered but I'm not sure the true reason for that has been said aloud. Is there any way you can sit and discuss in a calm and mature way what really is the problem? She seems very insecure and threatened. She's looking for subtle differences in your behaviour and makes up problems to further support a point that your therapeutic process is working against your relationship and this is not productive. You should not act towards the pseudo-reasons, please, look together for the root of the problem and address that. Please, reiterate to her that your health and well-being are being positively affected and you need therapy in this moment of your life. Reassure her you love her. If you two you can talk calmly and openly about this, I'm afraid you don't have good communication and it will get worse down the road.

P.S. I'm not a therapist but was in therapy for years, currently not.

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

But he is allowed to do therapy. Anyone is allowed to do therapy. He doesn't need his girlfriend's permission. She has a right to have a concern, but what is the concern ABOUT? That women *can* be catty, that she doesn't know this therapist? The concern has to be about something and not just "it's a woman."

If she feels jealous that's fine but she doesn't need to act on it. Jealousy is mostly not good and that's why it's called the green eyed monster. Sorry but why should he change his individual therapy to couples therapy with her? Just to placate her and prove the therapist isn't catty or he's not sleeping with her? He's not allowed to do individual therapy because...why?

Let's say if my partner gets a new boss at work and the boss is female. It's OK if I feel jealous but it's not OK to tell my partner to quit his job. Is it OK if I tell my partner he needs to quit because since the boss is female, she *could* be catty. And since she's female, he *could* have an affair with her. When in reality I have no idea who this female boss is, what she's like, or anything about her.

Also if he wants to do therapy and not yoga - it's his choice. Same as if she wants to do salsa classes but not join a book club. Going to therapy isn't an issue so why does he need to change anything. I'm not saying he's right or a victim just because he wants to do therapy. I'm saying doing therapy is normal and his right to do so. So if she has a problem with it that's her issue.

For example I hate sport, always have. If my partner wants to play sport and I don't like it, is that his problem or mine? He's allowed to play sport if it's what he wants, it's a normal thing to do. If I don't like it I would need to be with someone else who doesn't want to play sport.

Of course, but if something causes a big rift in your relationship, between a couple, you can’t just say “well tough it’s what I want to do so you can’t stop me” or it will probably spell the end of the relationship. 
 

Everyone has a right to do whatever they want. A part of me would personally love to go back to the gentleman’s club I used to work at and start stripping and pole dancing again from 9pm till 3am but, I think rightfully so, my husband doesn’t like that idea as I’m a married woman and mother of three young kids. Is it my right to go do what I want? Sure - but not at the detriment of my marriage. It’s not that important to me. 
 

I actually think, reading between the lines, the OP’s girlfriend fears talking about their problems with a third party will mean eventually the end of their relationship. I actually have a hunch it might not be much to do with female personality traits but they are maybe potentially a small factor. I think this says more about the fractured nature of their relationship than the debate over whether he sees a therapist or not. I would actually predict the relationship won’t last, whether he sees one or not, but I think his girlfriend is right to know if he sees a therapist, it may spell the beginning of the end sooner than if he hadn’t.

 

I’m not saying she’s right by the way - I can just sense her reasoning behind it and I think there is a shred of truth in her worry. 
 

x

[mylolita]

46 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

There are good therapists and bad therapists, ethical and unethical, professional and unprofessional. Has nothing to do with gender, please, what year are we in?
There, however, can be transference when working with a therapist of a gender you're attracted to but it's something super normal, super basic and anybody who's been trained would know how to navigate through it.

A good therapist won't try to sway their client's opinion one way or another. If they see a person who's highly influenced by others' opinion, at most they would try to help them develop healthy boundaries. Who could be against that? Only someone who's taking advantage of the lack of boundaries in the first place.
I find it mighty hypocritical to accuse other people of putting thoughts in your partner's head but have no problem if you're the one who bosses said partner around. Moreover, I find it disrespectful to imply that the partner is unable to think for themselves.

A friend or a relative would be a much more biased confidant based on whose side they come from. Therapists generally avoid giving their personal opinion, because they're not there to give advice. Some of them won't say a thing even if asked directly. Others would share personal insights but not where the ground is unstable. Again, depends on the therapist because they're human, they come from different schools of psychology, have different understanding and experience what works better, etc.

А therapeutic process is not about who's right or wrong in a conflict. Conflicts are considered normal, even healthy to a certain extent, can't be solved outside of the couple's intimate space and a good therapist wouldn't try to do that. They would encourage loving communication over unconscious reactivity and try to give useful tools to overall navigate through conflicts with less damage. Somatic practices, questions to ask, approaches to have, whatever. I don't see how therapy would be working if you never open certain topics, as is the one about your partner. It's all connected and it's not a threat against the relationship. It can be, if the relationship is super unhealthy, abusive, controlling but in the direction of "eye-opening". No good therapist would point to a problem where there's none or force an action the client isn't ready and wanting to do.

Lastly, there's a "we" that needs to be treasured and protected but there's also a "me". It's a good thing to take care of the "me", so that you have a stronger, more conscious "we". We shouldn't turn our backs towards our inner world. I'm all for sharing your deepest thoughts and concerns with a partner but 1) willingly, not forcefully; 2) if it's a safe space - not where they would freak out, find it somehow personal against them or dismiss you. So, I think not everything can be solved by sharing it with your partner.

A good therapist won't agree to be the couple's therapist if they simultaneously work with one of the partners.

OP, your girlfriend is very bothered but I'm not sure the true reason for that has been said aloud. Is there any way you can sit and discuss in a calm and mature way what really is the problem? She seems very insecure and threatened. She's looking for subtle differences in your behaviour and makes up problems to further support a point that your therapeutic process is working against your relationship and this is not productive. You should not act towards the pseudo-reasons, please, look together for the root of the problem and address that. Please, reiterate to her that your health and well-being are being positively affected and you need therapy in this moment of your life. Reassure her you love her. If you two you can talk calmly and openly about this, I'm afraid you don't have good communication and it will get worse down the road.

P.S. I'm not a therapist but was in therapy for years, currently not.

I would actually potentially suggest, although this is not my personal style, that if the OP would like to explore therapy, that they also go into couples therapy and of course with a separate therapist as I think, his girlfriend has tainted this one enough, even if they did eventually meet and then get along 🤣

 

And I actually does think it makes a difference the gender of the therapist. I personally would rather speak to a male therapist myself, if I were to go down that route. Everyone has different preferences. If his girlfriend is the jealous type, the fact she is female will play on her mind a bit. It’s not unheard of for people to develop feelings for their therapist, it is explained to be a common phenomenon that is usually gotten over but; if you feel your emotions are being heard, this can develop a form of attraction and bond whether that is a temporary illusion or not. 
 

x

[mylolita]

55 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

The presumption seems to be the OP is seeing the therapist for "relationship issues".  But what if he's not?  What if the things he's trying to work out have nothing to do with his feelings about his relationship or about his girlfriend but are personal issues that could negatively affect his professional life, his interpersonal interactions or his love relationships? 

Not everyone who's partnered is seeing a therapist for relationship issues.

My mental health issues have zero to do with my love relationships.  I am working through childhood traumas that affect all facets of my life.  If my partner demanded I stop therapy or insisted on me seeing a certain gender therapist I would wonder if they truly wanted me to be well.

I think his girlfriend may fear and probably the worry is warranted, that eventually over the course of prolonged therapy, their relationship will come up. Which is normal and natural, especially if you are in a serious relationship and if you’re having problems within it.

 

x

[AliasMcnutFace]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Why is it actually a concern to her that you're seeing a therapist? Like, what's the problem?

she feels like it changes my behaviour, which then leaks onto our relationship. that was the original problem that she had with me going. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

she feels like it changes my behaviour, which then leaks onto our relationship. that was the original problem that she had with me going. 

Yes it can result in you making choices to change your behavior.  Therapy doesn't cause a change -that's your choice.  Is she willing to change her controlling behaviors? Also do you think the changes you've made are beneficial? Have you made changes?

[AliasMcnutFace]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Please see all the red flags especially her irrational stereotypical nonsense about women being "catty" and especially in this professional context.  Is she an educated person -I mean not just academic -is she someone who's seen the world/wants to see the world -does she do cultural stuff, read or listen to content that expands her world in a genuine and smart way? Is she catty? Does she live her life too focused on cliches and assumptions and stereotypes in this negative way? 

I don't think therapists are motivated solely or mostly by money.  I'm sure many therapists provide free services too, or would - a good therapist is dedicated to their chosen profession and wants to make a contribution to a client for healing purposes.  There's no "stranger" about it - telling a non-professional random stranger personal stuff obviously might be a bad idea and  there's no promise it will be kept confidential. Or heard through a perspective of learning/insight that therapists do -for years and years.  If someone poo poos therapy as "paying someone to listen to you whine" that's just that person's ignorance.  

I went to my dermatologist for my annual skin check this past Friday and I noticed for the first time that one of the intake questions referred to a domestic violence screening.  I am not in that situation in the least but it was intriguing to me -I was so happy to see that there since my sense is most of the patients are female -or a larger portion?  - and obviously the doctor will see bruising or the like. 

I asked her about that part of the form and she explained that while she's not required to report evidence of domestic violence she feels that those questions might motivate a person in danger to share information so she can share resources/support etc. 

A therapist is the same -a professional providing a safe, confidential space to share what is going on and then the therapist can either help with their training or if needed for example refer you to get medication or see a different sort of therapist.  Showing a stranger your bruising -or your inner bruising - has a remote likelihood of leading to help or resolution.  And -doesn't  your girlfriend want you to resolve whatever hurts you have? In a safe way and with a professional? If it hurts that much has she come up with alternatives other than "I don't think you need therapy so stop".

when she said that I don't think that she meant it in a stereotypical way... I personally consider her to be an education person. 

of course she does. we're involved so she just wants to make sure that I "don't drag her down with me".

[AliasMcnutFace]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes it can result in you making choices to change your behavior.  Therapy doesn't cause a change -that's your choice.  Is she willing to change her controlling behaviors? Also do you think the changes you've made are beneficial? Have you made changes?

we haven't recently had a conversation about her "controlling behaviour" besides the phone incident. 

have I made any changes before I wrote this post when I was actively in therapy? or now?

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

when she said that I don't think that she meant it in a stereotypical way... I personally consider her to be an education person. 

of course she does. we're involved so she just wants to make sure that I "don't drag her down with me".

None of this sounds healthy on her part.  She might be educated but seems to me she missed that day in kindergarten when basic manners/playing nicely in the sandbox were taught.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

she feels like it changes my behaviour, which then leaks onto our relationship. that was the original problem that she had with me going. 

Exactly. This isn't about the merits of therapy or your therapist. This is about camping at her place afterwards in a withdrawn bad mood shutting her out.

This you can fix by going home after therapy. Don't show up at her place as an "escape" from home. Only hang out there when you're ready willing and able to participate meaningfully in the relationship rather than withdraw. Her problem is with you, not therapy or your therapist. 

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

we haven't recently had a conversation about her "controlling behaviour" besides the phone incident. 

have I made any changes before I wrote this post when I was actively in therapy? or now?

Has therapy motivated you to choose to make changes?

[AliasMcnutFace]

Just now, Batya33 said:

None of this sounds healthy on her part.  She might be educated but seems to me she missed that day in kindergarten when basic manners/playing nicely in the sandbox were taught.

she prefers brutally honest haha

[AliasMcnutFace]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Has therapy motivated you to choose to make changes?

within my life, yes. in our relationship...not really. I decided that I wanted to be less of a push over and better with setting boundaries within our relationship

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

within my life, yes. in our relationship...not really. I decided that I wanted to be less of a push over and better with setting boundaries within our relationship

Great decision -what are you going to do today to start making that change? Do you want to be less of a pushover or not at all a pushover?

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

within my life, yes. in our relationship...not really. I decided that I wanted to be less of a push over and better with setting boundaries within our relationship

That is a good thing. Every relationship needs boundaries ones that don’t fail. 

[JoyfulCompany]

43 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

she feels like it changes my behaviour, which then leaks onto our relationship. that was the original problem that she had with me going. 

Changes in what way, was she specific? Being tired or in a reflective mode for some time after a session is normal.

When you are at her place, do you happen to have separate activities or are you expected to do everything together? If you're glued together, that may need to change, yes. It needs to change eventually when you live together full-time, anyway.

So, either explain you love her but you need some downtime, maybe offer some extra activity later for "compensation". Or, as Wiseman2 suggested - go to your own home. But if you're planning to get married, the latter approach isn't sustainable in the long run.

However, I'm afraid she has some other problem/insecurity, it's not about you being tired and she's not up for compromises.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

she wants me to make my own decisions and form my own thoughts without the opinion of outsiders. (ironic)

Exactly. 

It's awfully rich that she is trying to control your decisions here and in the same breath tells you to think for yourself. 

I can't believe you put up with this garbage.

[rainbowsandroses]

55 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It's awfully rich that she is trying to control your decisions here and in the same breath tells you to think for yourself. 

I can't believe you put up with this garbage.

Agree with first paragraph.  Re bolded, I can believe it!

Why?

From reading all his posts my sense is that this is their dynamic as a couple - she's dominant, he's passive. She calls the shots, she makes the rules, and HE follows.  

Nothing inherently wrong with that dynamic if it works for them and of course OP has been a willing participant.

But that may be why her behavior seems 'normal' to him and why he puts up with it.  

Possibly.

5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Let's say if my partner gets a new boss at work and the boss is female. It's OK if I feel jealous but it's not OK to tell my partner to quit his job.

Wholeheartedly agree.  Gf has every right to feel whatever she feels, including jealousy. 

But she needs to learn to manage that emotion in a healthy way versus demanding you to stop seeing the therapist!  That is so over the top and beyond anything even remotely healthy or functional.

I mean it's not like like you're having an affair with your therapist.  You're in therapy to improve your life, become stronger, less of a pushover and learn how to set firm boundaries.  All good and positive!! 

IMO she feels threatened by this because by you becoming stronger, less of a pushover etc, it threats the dynamic you've created as a couple and she will no longer have control over what you do, say, act.

JMO but I don't think it matters if the therapist is male or female, hers fears are not gender based, they're based on the therapy possibly changing your dynamic (her dominant/you passive).  And she feels threatened by that.

And OP if you think changing therapists will fix this, it won't. She will have the same issue with your next therapist as well, whether male or female.  Could almost guarantee it.  I've seen it before among couples with this same dynamic.

Demanding to know what you talked about, demanding that you NOT discuss her or your relationship, becoming angry and aggressive when your mood for two seconds isn't to her liking, it's all in your original post. 

And even given your dynamic and your passive role, I literally cringed when reading (sorry). 

Sounds more like how a mother would speak to and treat her preteen son or a prison warden to an inmate.

Sounds awful and terribly oppressive.  However you seem okay with it so who am I to judge?  It's your life. 

Anyway...

Its understandable to me that you continue to defend her because again this is your dynamic together.  SHE is the dominant force and you're the passive follower.

I don't know what your upbringing was like but perhaps your parents had the same dynamic and this way of interacting in a relationship seems "normal" to you?

I put normal in quotes because normal is subjective and every couple will define it in their own way. 

Just my $.02 and good luck whatever you decide.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But that may be why her behavior seems 'normal' to him and why he puts up with it.  

Yes, of course. 

My comment was a rhetorical one. 

[Tinydance]

6 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

There are good therapists and bad therapists, ethical and unethical, professional and unprofessional. Has nothing to do with gender, please, what year are we in?
There, however, can be transference when working with a therapist of a gender you're attracted to but it's something super normal, super basic and anybody who's been trained would know how to navigate through it.

A good therapist won't try to sway their client's opinion one way or another. If they see a person who's highly influenced by others' opinion, at most they would try to help them develop healthy boundaries. Who could be against that? Only someone who's taking advantage of the lack of boundaries in the first place.
I find it mighty hypocritical to accuse other people of putting thoughts in your partner's head but have no problem if you're the one who bosses said partner around. Moreover, I find it disrespectful to imply that the partner is unable to think for themselves.

A friend or a relative would be a much more biased confidant based on whose side they come from. Therapists generally avoid giving their personal opinion, because they're not there to give advice. Some of them won't say a thing even if asked directly. Others would share personal insights but not where the ground is unstable. Again, depends on the therapist because they're human, they come from different schools of psychology, have different understanding and experience what works better, etc.

А therapeutic process is not about who's right or wrong in a conflict. Conflicts are considered normal, even healthy to a certain extent, can't be solved outside of the couple's intimate space and a good therapist wouldn't try to do that. They would encourage loving communication over unconscious reactivity and try to give useful tools to overall navigate through conflicts with less damage. Somatic practices, questions to ask, approaches to have, whatever. I don't see how therapy would be working if you never open certain topics, as is the one about your partner. It's all connected and it's not a threat against the relationship. It can be, if the relationship is super unhealthy, abusive, controlling but in the direction of "eye-opening". No good therapist would point to a problem where there's none or force an action the client isn't ready and wanting to do.

Lastly, there's a "we" that needs to be treasured and protected but there's also a "me". It's a good thing to take care of the "me", so that you have a stronger, more conscious "we". We shouldn't turn our backs towards our inner world. I'm all for sharing your deepest thoughts and concerns with a partner but 1) willingly, not forcefully; 2) if it's a safe space - not where they would freak out, find it somehow personal against them or dismiss you. So, I think not everything can be solved by sharing it with your partner.

A good therapist won't agree to be the couple's therapist if they simultaneously work with one of the partners.

OP, your girlfriend is very bothered but I'm not sure the true reason for that has been said aloud. Is there any way you can sit and discuss in a calm and mature way what really is the problem? She seems very insecure and threatened. She's looking for subtle differences in your behaviour and makes up problems to further support a point that your therapeutic process is working against your relationship and this is not productive. You should not act towards the pseudo-reasons, please, look together for the root of the problem and address that. Please, reiterate to her that your health and well-being are being positively affected and you need therapy in this moment of your life. Reassure her you love her. If you two you can talk calmly and openly about this, I'm afraid you don't have good communication and it will get worse down the road.

P.S. I'm not a therapist but was in therapy for years, currently not.

100% this!!!! 

[Tinydance]

6 hours ago, mylolita said:

Of course, but if something causes a big rift in your relationship, between a couple, you can’t just say “well tough it’s what I want to do so you can’t stop me” or it will probably spell the end of the relationship. 
 

Everyone has a right to do whatever they want. A part of me would personally love to go back to the gentleman’s club I used to work at and start stripping and pole dancing again from 9pm till 3am but, I think rightfully so, my husband doesn’t like that idea as I’m a married woman and mother of three young kids. Is it my right to go do what I want? Sure - but not at the detriment of my marriage. It’s not that important to me. 
 

I actually think, reading between the lines, the OP’s girlfriend fears talking about their problems with a third party will mean eventually the end of their relationship. I actually have a hunch it might not be much to do with female personality traits but they are maybe potentially a small factor. I think this says more about the fractured nature of their relationship than the debate over whether he sees a therapist or not. I would actually predict the relationship won’t last, whether he sees one or not, but I think his girlfriend is right to know if he sees a therapist, it may spell the beginning of the end sooner than if he hadn’t.

 

I’m not saying she’s right by the way - I can just sense her reasoning behind it and I think there is a shred of truth in her worry. 
 

x

Pole dancing and seeing a therapist are extremely different things! Of course there are things you need to change or give up if you're in a relationship. Like, you shouldn't cheat, go on dating apps, and so on. But you're allowed to have friends, hobbies, see a therapist. And you don't have to quit a job if your boss or colleagues are opposite gender.

We are talking about normal versus unacceptable things in a relationship. Most people don't find their partner seeing a therapist abnormal or inappropriate. Getting therapy is very common.

I think if your partner feels secure in themselves and in your relationship, they won't see everyone as a threat to the relationship. E.g. If my partner gets served by a female shop assistant, I don’t care. If someone is insecure, or jealous, they might be like: "You were flirting with the shop assistant" when in fact that wasn't true. Someone jealous and insecure projects their own feelings. They see others as a threat by default.

[boltnrun]

I would hope someone who claims to love me would support my efforts to improve my health. 

If I started bike riding to get more physically fit would that be a "threat" to the relationship?  What if I decided to eat more fruits and vegetables?  What if I joined a walking group (that my partner doesn't care to join) and some of the participants are, God forbid, men?  What if a couple of the men are attractive, would I be expected to quit the group to appease my partner?

If my partner views me getting emotionally, mentally and/or physically healthy as a "threat" to our relationship they'll likely not be my partner for much longer.