What should he do?

[goddess]

Hi!  My 29 year old son lives about 4 hours drive from me.  His aunt and her family, and his grandmother live about 1/2 hour away from him.  

He is rather annoyed with his grandmother nowadays due to a number of reasons.  He's been living by himself for 12 years now.  He attended college and graduate school there.  During these years, he has reached out to his grandmother and took her out to dinner quite a number of times.  He paid for the dinners and was happy to do so, even while he was in school.  He informed me that his grandmother paid only once.  He was a bit disheartened by that fact.

He rarely goes out of town for business for 3-5 days.  He would ask his grandmother to please take care of his two kitties.   She did a few times.  However, on one occasion she forgot to go over for a couple of days.  When he got home, he realised that she hadn't been over for several days and the litter box was a mess.  He was quite upset.

On another occasion, he asked her to come over to care for the kitties just once since he'd be away for only 3 days.  She told him she had to get her nails done and couldn't go over.  Me son was rather irritated with her excuse.  I cannot say I blame him.  She couldn't make time to go over in an entire day to do him that favour?

His grandmother sent him a Christmas gift (a check).  He was still annoyed with her and decided to not send her a thank you card (she doesn't know how to text).  Her birthday is in March.  He did not call her to wish you a happy birthday.  My son's birthday is in April.  She did not call him to say happy birthday.  She did call my other son whose birthday is in April as well. 

She had been telling me that her dog was not eating for a couple of days so she was really worried.  I thought something happened and that that was the reason that she didn't call my son.  So, I called her and asked if everything was OK.  I asked her why she hadn't called my son for his birthday.  (she had been calling my sons for their birthday since they were toddlers.)  She informed me that she was annoyed that my son didn't send her a card thanking her for his Christmas gift.  Then, she complained that he hadn't called her for her birthday, so she didn't call him for his birthday.  She did send him a gift (check).

I asked him to please send a thank you card for her BD gift to him, and to take the high road.  He said he's not going to because she has disappointed him.   What do you think he should do?  Thank you for reading this.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Is this his father's mother? She seems difficult and crotchety. However your son may have valid reasons to resent her. It seems like he's venting. While sending an acknowledgement of a gift is in good taste, they seem to have some bad blood between them. 

[TeeDee]

He shouldn't do anything.  He made a decision to be done with her.  Granted he was trying to wake her up to her abandonment / endangerment of his cats but she can't see that. 

So if she's having  a major crisis like being in the hospital, he can model good behavior by caring for her dog but other than that he gets to ignore her going forward. 

Just because she is old doesn't mean she grew wise or kind.  

[goddess]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Is this his father's mother? She seems difficult and crotchety. However your son may have valid reasons to resent her. It seems like he's venting. While sending an acknowledgement of a gift is in good taste, they seem to have some bad blood between them. 

Hi Wiseman.  Yes, it's his father's mother (she's a widow).  She certainly can be difficult based on my post.  She seems to have no introspection skills so she will never realise how unfair/hurtful she's been towards my son.  I wanted him to send the thank you just to keep the peace but I will respect my son's choice.  Still, it bothers me that this has happened especially because between the two families (my ex's and mine) we have very few relatives here.  Thanks for your response.  Hope you are doing well.

[goddess]

27 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

He shouldn't do anything.  He made a decision to be done with her.  Granted he was trying to wake her up to her abandonment / endangerment of his cats but she can't see that. 

So if she's having  a major crisis like being in the hospital, he can model good behavior by caring for her dog but other than that he gets to ignore her going forward. 

Just because she is old doesn't mean she grew wise or kind.  

Thank you, TeeDee, for your feedback.  Yes, he won't do anything at this point.  I guess what goes around, comes around.  As I mentioned to Wiseman, she honestly has no introspection skills so she'll never understand why my son feel the way he does.  It's a shame. 

[Batya33]

What did he offer to pay her to cat sit? My friend pays a lot to her cat sitter (but her cats do have medical issues/need injections) but I see  generally cat sitters get paid a decent amount.  Definitely she should have been more reliable but maybe she saw it as an imposition.  

I think he should stop contact with her and I think two wrongs don't make a right and he should have at least called her to thank her for the check.

[goddess]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

What did he offer to pay her to cat sit? My friend pays a lot to her cat sitter (but her cats do have medical issues/need injections) but I see  generally cat sitters get paid a decent amount.  Definitely she should have been more reliable but maybe she saw it as an imposition.  

I think he should stop contact with her and I think two wrongs don't make a right and he should have at least called her to thank her for the check.

My son takes her out to a sushi restaurant which is a favourite of hers. As anyone knows, sushi is very expensive so I think that is a kind and thoughtful gesture on his part.   Like I mentioned, he rarely goes out of town, perhaps once or twice a year.  So, I fail to see how that would be an imposition.  After all, he is her grandson.  My son felt disrespected and so he didn't send her a thank you card for the Christmas gift, which was wrong but he had had enough.  I did suggest that he send her a card but he doesn't want to.  He generally takes the high road but I think he's had it with her.  

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, goddess said:

My son takes her out to a sushi restaurant which is a favourite of hers. As anyone knows, sushi is very expensive so I think that is a kind and thoughtful gesture on his part.   Like I mentioned, he rarely goes out of town, perhaps once or twice a year.  So, I fail to see how that would be an imposition.  After all, he is her grandson.  My son felt disrespected and so he didn't send her a thank you card for the Christmas gift, which was wrong but he had had enough.  I did suggest that he send her a card but he doesn't want to.  He generally takes the high road but I think he's had it with her.  

As long as this was communicated "I would really appreciate you cat sitting - would love to take you for sushi as a thank you." I'm not a fan of entitlement to free services from grandparents.  It's lovely when they do favors like that - and that is what it is -a huge favor.  For sure again if she committed to it she should have been reliable- it's his fur baby!! I also don't think two wrongs make a right -if he felt so disrespected then of course return the check or ask that it be voided -he wasn't that offended that he didn't deposit it, yes? It's not about high road -it's basic common courtesy IMO.

Having said all that I'm also not a fan of forcing someone to be close to a family member just because they are blood so of course he can cut ties as he wishes.  

[catfeeder]

I think assigning roles to family members can be a boomerang of disappointment. So then we hurt our own feelings when they fail to live up to the image we've assigned to them. For instances, there are grandma's who try to live up to Hallmark-style behaviors, while others are more relaxed, like the 'Auntie Name' character and don't even especially like babies or kids. Most people, realistically, fall somewhere in between.

So son, a grown man, believed that he was entitled to assign grandma to drive a half hour each way (a full hour of driving!) to feed a pet, when there are local services for that. Or friends who live closer, or whatever. That doesn't sound reasonable to me.

However, we can't 'make' a grown adult repair their relationships. I would use my best influence to soften son's edges a bit on his expectations, but if he's hard core and doubling down, I'd leave it alone.

[goddess]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

As long as this was communicated "I would really appreciate you cat sitting - would love to take you for sushi as a thank you." I'm not a fan of entitlement to free services from grandparents.  It's lovely when they do favors like that - and that is what it is -a huge favor.  For sure again if she committed to it she should have been reliable- it's his fur baby!! I also don't think two wrongs make a right -if he felt so disrespected then of course return the check or ask that it be voided -he wasn't that offended that he didn't deposit it, yes? It's not about high road -it's basic common courtesy IMO.

Having said all that I'm also not a fan of forcing someone to be close to a family member just because they are blood so of course he can cut ties as he wishes.  

My son extended the invitation to dinner once he got back from his trip.  Also, he did her quite a number of favours throughout the years by going over her house to fix some computer issues that she had.  He used to take her out to dinner every week but once he started his masters, he was very busy.  Plus, he had to work on his thesis so the dinners became less frequent.  May I reiterate again that she only offered to pay for a dinner once.  That made him feel bad. 

Yes, he did cash the check although he told me that he was thinking of returning it.  That, to me, would have been rude.  OK, so his not thanking her was rude as well.  I just feel bad that this has happened.  The sad thing is is that she will never take a step back and contemplate how she was also in the wrong.   Thanks for your input.  I appreciate it.  

[goddess]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I think assigning roles to family members can be a boomerang of disappointment. So then we hurt our own feelings when they fail to live up to the image we've assigned to them. For instances, there are grandma's who try to live up to Hallmark-style behaviors, while others are more relaxed, like the 'Auntie Name' character and don't even especially like babies or kids. Most people, realistically, fall somewhere in between.

So son, a grown man, believed that he was entitled to assign grandma to drive a half hour each way (a full hour of driving!) to feed a pet, when there are local services for that. Or friends who live closer, or whatever. That doesn't sound reasonable to me.

However, we can't 'make' a grown adult repair their relationships. I would use my best influence to soften son's edges a bit on his expectations, but if he's hard core and doubling down, I'd leave it alone.

With all due respect, my son didn't "assign" anything to his grandmother.  He politely asked her if she'd be able to do it because that particular trip was rather sudden.  He was in a bit of a jam.  And, it was only for one time since he'd be gone for only 3 days.  She said that she had a nail appointment in the early morning.  So, why on this green earth was she not able to go in the afternoon or early evening?  

Also, may I reiterate that he goes out of town once and maybe (and I mean maybe) twice a year.  Personally, I didn't think that was too much to ask. I certainly would have gone out of my way to help a family member.  But, I have to remember that not everyone is like me.  Thank you for your feedback.

[catfeeder]

32 minutes ago, goddess said:

So, why on this green earth was she not able to go in the afternoon or early evening?  

Because driving an hour each day didn't work for this woman. It's that simple, and it's that valid.

This is what I mean by "assigning." You and son are both assigning this woman a villain status because she didn't perform as expected. That's trumped up. She didn't ask for this.

Couldn't YOU have gone to stay at son's place for those days as son's first choice, or otherwise help him find a professional service to do this instead of assigning expectations to this woman? I'm not making you out to be 'wrong' if you didn't do that, but just as you had your reasons for not being son's first choice of reliance, so did grandma.

When I travel, I never ask family to drive out to look after my place. I hire someone or bargain with a close neighbor. That's just part of adult living--tending to our own business.

So the premise that son is rightfully disowning his grandmother over this ridiculously small perceived slight is the stuff of unfortunate Thanksgiving dinners. If you want to support son's perceptions of being wronged by his own grandmother, so be it. Enjoy the righteousness, and consider what you're modeling for your son. I'd have stuck up for grandma. Period.

[goddess]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Because driving an hour each day didn't work for this woman. It's that simple, and it's that valid.

This is what I mean by "assigning." You and son are both assigning this woman a villain status because she didn't perform as expected. That's trumped up. She didn't ask for this.

Couldn't YOU have gone to stay at son's place for those days as son's first choice, or otherwise help him find a professional service to do this instead of assigning expectations to this woman? I'm not making you out to be 'wrong' if you didn't do that, but just as you had your reasons for not being son's first choice of reliance, so did grandma.

When I travel, I never ask family to drive out to look after my place. I hire someone or bargain with a close neighbor. That's just part of adult living--tending to our own business.

So the premise that son is rightfully disowning his grandmother over this ridiculously small perceived slight is the stuff of unfortunate Thanksgiving dinners. If you want to support son's perceptions of being wronged by his own grandmother, so be it. Enjoy the righteousness.

Are you not understanding that the trip was sudden?  He found out the evening before that he had to leave the next morning; early in the morning.  So, he didn't have time to check out any services.  He asked her if she'd be able to go the day after he left, for ONE day.  That's not enough of an imposition, considering all the favours he did her for.  My son is a very kind and gracious young man.  He was disappointed that she couldn't even go for one day, due to circumstances.  She is a very able-bodied woman.  So going about 1/2 hours each way is no big deal for her.  She does that all the time when she visits her daughter who also lives about 1/2 hour away.

As for me, I live FOUR hours away from him, sometimes more depending on traffic.  If I lived closer, it would have been my pleasure to help out.  Good for you for not asking your family for help when you travel.  Again, he asked for her help for one day.  It is unfortunate that she couldn't go out of her way when her grandson needed help.  And, I could do with your sarcasm.    

 

 

[catfeeder]

45 minutes ago, goddess said:

Are you not understanding that the trip was sudden?  He found out the evening before that he had to leave the next morning; early in the morning.

He's a grown man. Either he's capable of negotiating with his employer the time he needs to secure services for his home, or he's not. If not, then why didn't he have an emergency lineup for a case like this? That's part of Life Management 101.

Son could have left the cats 12 hours worth of food, and you could have been there in 4 hours the next day. If that wasn't convenient for you, then why should it have been convenient for anyone else?

Again, grandma didn't ask for this. It's not her responsibility. Son is miffed because she wouldn't allow him to impose upon her this way. If you and he both want to agree that this must make grandma a villain, then here you are. And son has learned his entitlement well from you.

[goddess]

25 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

He's a grown man. Either he's capable of negotiating with his employer the time he needs to secure services for his home, or he's not. If not, then why didn't he have an emergency lineup for a case like this? That's part of Life Management 101.

Son could have left the cats 12 hours worth of food, and you could have been there in 4 hours the next day. If that wasn't convenient for you, then why should it have been convenient for anyone else?

Again, grandma didn't ask for this. It's not her responsibility. Son is miffed because she wouldn't allow him to impose upon her this way. If you and he both want to agree that this must make grandma a villain, then here you are. And son has learned his entitlement well from you.

You really are something else.  You are blowing this way out of proportion.  Granted, it's not her responsibility.  No one said that.  All I'm saying is that it would have been nice of her, and a gracious gesture, to help out her grandson in a time of need.  It's not such a big inconvenience.  She doesn't have a busy schedule.  In fact, she oftentimes complains that she has nothing to do.

So, you think it's OK for me to drive down and back, at least 8 hours, when all she had to to was drive about one hour?  One hour in a day is not that big of a deal.  Get real, please.  And, no one said we consider her a villain. I'm just surprised that she couldn't. wouldn't do this simple task.  Just like my son took time out of his busy schedule to help her with her computer issues multiple times, she could have easily returned the favour.  That's what family or friends do.  

Lastly, I would appreciate your not labeling my son or me as entitled.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  You don't know me or my son.  When one gives and gives and gives to someone,  it's appreciated when that person gives back.  In any case, thanks for your feedback.

[catfeeder]

1 minute ago, goddess said:

You really are something else.  You are blowing this way out of proportion.  Granted, it's not her responsibility.  No one said that.  All I'm saying is that it would have been nice of her, and a gracious gesture, to help out her grandson in a time of need.  It's not such a big inconvenience.  She doesn't have a busy schedule.  In fact, she oftentimes complains that she has nothing to do.

So, you think it's OK for me to drive down and back, at least 8 hours, when all she had to to was drive about one hour?  One hour in a day is not that big of a deal.  Get real, please.  And, no one said we consider her a villain. I'm just surprised that she couldn't. wouldn't do this simple task.  Just like my son took time out of his busy schedule to help her with her computer issues multiple times, she could have easily returned the favour.  That's what family or friends do.  

Lastly, I would appreciate your not labeling my son or me as entitled.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  You don't know me or my son.  When one gives and gives and gives to someone,  it's appreciated when that person gives back.  In any case, thanks for your feedback.

If you want to defend son's position on this, that's not against the law. It just won't buy you anything. I'm with grandma. None of us are 'entitled' to assume the degree of our imposition on another. Son gets to live with himself for doing that, and if he wants to offend and disown his own grandmother over such a small thing, then he gets to live with that, too. He won't be able to make things right with her after she's gone. If you ever decide that he's making a mistake, then hopefully you're close enough with him to communicate that with him.

Best wishes.

[goddess]

3 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

If you want to defend son's position on this, that's not against the law. It just won't buy you anything. I'm with grandma. None of us are 'entitled' to assume the degree of our imposition on another. Son gets to live with himself for doing that, and if he wants to offend and disown his own grandmother over such a small thing, then he gets to live with that, too. He won't be able to make things right with her after she's gone. If you ever decide that he's making a mistake, then hopefully you're close enough with him to communicate that with him.

Best wishes.

Of course it bothers me that he and his grandmother don't get along over such a small thing.  I have strongly suggested to him to send the stupid thank you card.  But, it's his choice and decision, and he will have to live with that.  I hope that he changes his mind because it would be better all around.  There are worse problems in life.  Best wishes to you as well. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, goddess said:

Of course it bothers me that he and his grandmother don't get along over such a small thing.  I have strongly suggested to him to send the stupid thank you card.  But, it's his choice and decision, and he will have to live with that.  I hope that he changes his mind because it would be better all around.  There are worse problems in life.  Best wishes to you as well. 

Doesn't seem small to me.  He spent her money -obviously he could have given it to charity then thanked her and shared with her that he didn't feel comfortable keeping the money and donated it.  Or he could have returned the check with a diplomatic note explaining that he didn't feel it was appropriate to keep her gift in light of the recent tension but he hopes she is well, take care etc.  

I hope he decides how to manage things going forward with a job that seems to require him to travel on a moment's notice -as certain jobs do -and as employers can require - and having an arrangement for a service he can have to cat sit last minute. It's his decision as far as resuming interactions with his grandmother - he will figure out whether he wants to assist her and/or whether he would regret not having the opportunity to spend time with her given her age or potential medical condition.  He's an adult, his choice.

I agree wholeheartedly with all of Catfeeder's input.

[LootieTootie]

Wow, don't ever get a dog if a cat was this much of a headache.

Sorry but agree with Catfeeder. Your son's responsibility to find a reliable sitter is on him and assigning people to be a petsitter when they've already shown you the first time, they arent good at it - well, thats on him.

If grandma didnt do a good job the first time, shouldn't have asked her and definitely not expect her to do a redeeming job.

 

[goddess]

13 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Wow, don't ever get a dog if a cat was this much of a headache.

Sorry but agree with Catfeeder. Your son's responsibility to find a reliable sitter is on him and assigning people to be a petsitter when they've already shown you the first time, they arent good at it - well, thats on him.

If grandma didnt do a good job the first time, shouldn't have asked her and definitely not expect her to do a redeeming job.

 

OMG, it just happened once that he had to go out-of-town.  It was an emergency meeting, for crying out loud.  It happens!  And it's not about the cat.  My post was asking opinions on what to do regarding a thank you card.  

My son now has a place that will care for his cats in case this should happen again.  I don't know if you are a grandmother, but if you have a grandson who needed some help caring for his cat, I guess you would come up for an excuse for not helping because that is not your responsibility.  That's what it sounds like.  

[boltnrun]

I think he should have sent a thank you card, especially given that he chose to use the money. Apparently he disagrees and is willing to end his relationship with his grandmother over a (small) issue. That's a shame.

This isn't about a family member, but I asked a close friend to come feed and water my cat while I was out of town. My friend lived literally a half mile away. He forgot two days in a row. I came home and my cat had no food and no water. I was upset but I also realized this friend was doing this as a favor for free, so I wasn't going to make it a thing. I simply hired a service after that. And he and I are still close friends. I just knew I couldn't rely on him for favors and that's fine. 

[Tinydance]

Well first of all, I understand you want your son to get along with his Grandmother. But he's 29 so I don't think you can really control how he's behaving or what he's doing. I'm sure he knew that the polite thing to do was to say thank you for the cheque but he just didn't want to do that. It's a bit different to saying to a small child: "Say thank you" as opposed to a 29-year-old man. I think at the end of the day it doesn't matter what we think or you think because he's an adult and acting according to what he thinks.

To be honest I can see both sides of the story. I think that if his Grandmother agreed to take care of the cats, then she agreed to take on that responsibility. It's not good to leave the cats to themselves for most of the time, as they could have even died of dehydration. So I understand why your son was concerned there. I imagine she said no to taking care of the cats as she actually does find it difficult (for whatever reason).

I'm sorry but when you get pets or have kids, you can't think that anyone OWES you to look after them. When you have them, they are YOUR responsibility. People don't HAVE to look after them, they don't have an obligation to do this. They can say yes or no and they are allowed to say no.

Also was your son only taking his Grandmother out for sushi to get favours from her? I'm sure he wasn't but all I'm saying is, you don't do nice things to get something for it. For example, if I buy my friend a coffee, I can't be like: "You need to give me a lift because I bought you a coffee." I would be buying the coffee just to be nice and it's altruistic.

Your son's Grandmother didn't do anything wrong because she said "no" to watching the cats. It wasn't like she said yes but then left them to die. Your son is allowed to ask for a favour but equally she's allowed to decline. She did send him money and he just ignored her. Yes it is entitled because he was angry at her for something she doesn't HAVE to actually do.

[goddess]

9 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well first of all, I understand you want your son to get along with his Grandmother. But he's 29 so I don't think you can really control how he's behaving or what he's doing. I'm sure he knew that the polite thing to do was to say thank you for the cheque but he just didn't want to do that. It's a bit different to saying to a small child: "Say thank you" as opposed to a 29-year-old man. I think at the end of the day it doesn't matter what we think or you think because he's an adult and acting according to what he thinks.

To be honest I can see both sides of the story. I think that if his Grandmother agreed to take care of the cats, then she agreed to take on that responsibility. It's not good to leave the cats to themselves for most of the time, as they could have even died of dehydration. So I understand why your son was concerned there. I imagine she said no to taking care of the cats as she actually does find it difficult (for whatever reason).

I'm sorry but when you get pets or have kids, you can't think that anyone OWES you to look after them. When you have them, they are YOUR responsibility. People don't HAVE to look after them, they don't have an obligation to do this. They can say yes or no and they are allowed to say no.

Also was your son only taking his Grandmother out for sushi to get favours from her? I'm sure he wasn't but all I'm saying is, you don't do nice things to get something for it. For example, if I buy my friend a coffee, I can't be like: "You need to give me a lift because I bought you a coffee." I would be buying the coffee just to be nice and it's altruistic.

Your son's Grandmother didn't do anything wrong because she said "no" to watching the cats. It wasn't like she said yes but then left them to die. Your son is allowed to ask for a favour but equally she's allowed to decline. She did send him money and he just ignored her. Yes it is entitled because he was angry at her for something she doesn't HAVE to actually do.

Thank you for being able to see both sides, Tinydance.  I appreciate that.  Just so you know, my son never, ever took out his grandmother for sushi (weekly, BTW) to get favours from her.  In fact, He didn't even have kitties for a good number of years years while living there.  He took her to dinner out of the goodness of his heart and to keep her company because she is a widow. 

It was a one-time occurrence that he had to get out of town with little notice.  He asked her if she'd be able to care for the kitties and she said that she couldn't because she had a nail appointment in the morning.  Yes, her prerogative to decline but I think that was a crappy thing to do.  My son was rather taken back that she couldn't make a little time in her day to help him because he was in a pickle.   Personally, I think that is a poor excuse but that's just me.  Surely, in an entire day, she couldn't find time to go over to help her grandson?  That was disappointing, IMHO.  Also, may I add that she rarely has any appointments or commitments.  She does get together with some women that live in her apartment complex occasionally.   I was under the impression that family helps family, especially when in need.   Granted, she doesn't "owe" him any favours, but it would have helped him a lot to know that his kitties were being cared for.  It would have been a nice gesture on her part.  

He has since gotten a service to care for his kitties.  Again, I find myself wondering if the service would have been able to accommodate him on the day that he needed them, since it was short notice.  Again, thank you for taking time to answer.  

 

Yes, I agree that he should send a thank you card (she doesn't know how to text).  

[goddess]

On 4/22/2024 at 11:06 AM, boltnrun said:

I think he should have sent a thank you card, especially given that he chose to use the money. Apparently he disagrees and is willing to end his relationship with his grandmother over a (small) issue. That's a shame.

This isn't about a family member, but I asked a close friend to come feed and water my cat while I was out of town. My friend lived literally a half mile away. He forgot two days in a row. I came home and my cat had no food and no water. I was upset but I also realized this friend was doing this as a favor for free, so I wasn't going to make it a thing. I simply hired a service after that. And he and I are still close friends. I just knew I couldn't rely on him for favors and that's fine. 

I agree that it's a shame. But, it's his choice.  I don't like it but I have to accept it.  

I am so sorry that your friend forgot about your kitty.  Perhaps I am harsh but forgetting two days in a row?  Yikes!  I'm just glad that your kitty was OK.  My son also has a service now.