Contact with Ex

[Barcelone]

Hi All, 

I'm hoping for some advice. 

My previous long-term relationship ended 4 years ago. After the break-up me and my ex were still communicating via WhatsApp sporadically. This was during Covid lockdowns and both of us were single. 

My new relationship started 1.5 years ago. 6 months in to the relationship my Ex messaged me to see how I'm doing. I responded to her and told her that I'm in a new relationship and moved overseas due to family issues. My new partner thinks that I was continuing to communicate with her and sees this as a disrespect to her. 

There has been no communication at all, but she thinks I'm secretly contacting my Ex. I even deleted my old WhatsApp account. 

There have been ongoing arguments and mistrust since then. 

Should I have ignored my Ex's message and was I wrong responding to her? 

What can I do to regain my partners trust? 

[TeeDee]

Some people like your current SO have a hard fast rule about no EXs at all for any reason.  They are black & white people who don't get subtle shades of grey 

Be transparent, as you have been.  Show the current SO the message.  Don't go out of your way to stay in contact with the EX but do be polite if the EX reaches out. Odds are now that you mentioned the new relationship, the EX will back off.  

Remind your SO that you live a continent away from the EX & that one of the things your SO likes about you is that you are kind / polite.   If the SO can't get past a polite message, perhaps the SO is too badly damaged / immature to bother about.  

[Kwothe28]

There is nothing to be “regained”. As you did nothing wrong. There a re a lot of people who do regular contact with exes, even see them for coffee. You did no such thing, you just said that you are unavailable now. Which is fine.

Sadly, because probably some of your girlfriend ex did kept contact, maybe even messaged their ex, you are suffering now. But that is your girlfriend issue, not yours. What I mean is, if she is mad at you even if you did nothing wrong, that is on her, not on you.

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Barcelone said:

. My new partner thinks that I was continuing to communicate with her and sees this as a disrespect to her. There have been ongoing arguments and mistrust since then. 

Sorry this is happening. Please try to focus on your current relationship and rebuilding trust. Your GF has a valid point. There's no need to stay in touch with this ex. Hopefully you will delete and block the ex if it's causing issues in your current situation. 

[smackie9]

So you are saying this has been going on for a year?? I think it opened Pandora's box with your GF....anyone that is triggered that bad over something like that, is already a very insecure person. No matter what you say, she's gonna keep looking through your phone and question your every move. 

The right thing to do is to end this relationship. 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Barcelone said:

There have been ongoing arguments and mistrust since then. 

Over one message from an ex, a year ago? 

She clearly does not trust you. Think about what that says: she believes you lack dignity and are dishonest. In other words, she thinks quite little of you. 

I would stop enabling this, and start re-evaluating if this is the sort of relationship you really want. 

[Andrina]

One of the most important relationship rules that should exist is that after there's a discussion/argument to resolve an issue, that issue shouldn't be brought up ever again, rehashing the same argument, over and over.

There are two problems here. In your mind, you resolved the issue by cutting contact by getting rid of your app.

To her, the issue is not resolved because she's assuming you're a liar. And then she keeps punishing you as if you're still committing a crime behind her back.

When you stick around for this punishment, it's telling her your self-worth is in the gutter and she can continue on, since you're not going anywhere.

IMO, you need to stop having the spine of a wet noodle. Tell her that you agreed to the boundary of no longer communicating with exes and if she doesn't believe you're honest about that, and if she ever brings up the past about that again, that you're not living like that and you two will have to go your separate ways.

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Some people like your current SO have a hard fast rule about no EXs at all for any reason.  They are black & white people who don't get subtle shades of grey 

I'm one of these people who screens on this subject prior to going into a new relationship. But only to a degree (I get the gray stuff).

For instance, I learn through dating whether a man is still involved with an ex. If he tells me that they're still best friends, I thank him for his honesty, and that's our last date. If, like you, he's kept in touch during Covid or he still has a business relationship, or whatever, it's a case-by-case observation, but I'm not inclined to involve myself there. If he co-parents with an ex, then it's on me to observe over time whether their relationship is something I can live with. I'm inclined to be fine with even the friendliest of contact. It's the adversarial stuff I'd have doubts about, because to me, when couples aren't behaving as a good co-parenting team, it signals that one or both are using their kids as a battleground to continue their toxic attachment to the other.

But once I clarify for myself the degree to which a potential lover is involved with an ex, one text would certainly not derail me, especially given that he's straight out told her that he's with me now.

That's the thing that I would stress to your GF, but if she's still mistrustful, then you're not going to be able to fix this. There are two kinds of jealousy: the kind that's based on suspicious behaviors--but those are plural and raise concerns because the pattern of a person has become un-trust-worthy. The other kind of jealousy is the toxic stuff that someone brings into a new relationship and projects onto the new person. That's battery acid, and it signals that this person isn't relationship material.

There is no proving a negative, and there is no reason to remain with a person who cannot offer you trust as a foundational aspect of a relationship. You'll never have that with someone who projects mistrust from their past onto you. That's stuff they need to be left to work through with a qualified therapist.

[TeeDee]

There is a big difference between repeated deliberate constant contact & a causal text or chance encounter.  Every few years I will bump into an EX.  We exchange polite pleasantries & move along.  I could not be in a relationship with somebody who lost their mind over something so insignificant as a polite exchange that lasted a few moments.