In a slump with all things...

[AnonymousDuck]

 

Hi everyone,

Not sure if this is the right section, but the closest I could think of..."Personal Growth" would work too! I’m feeling at a little bit of a crossroads, or maybe in a slump/rut, and feeling the need to get it out. There’s probably not one direct “answer” to this, but if anyone can relate or has insight that would be so helpful.  I made another post here a little under a year ago about my work situation-without giving away anything that might fully identity me, things have been way better in that area of life, although still a constant hustle. I appreciate the advice that was given.

Overall, I’ve been feeling disconnected from friends and incredibly antsy in life, and I do know the not fully on solid ground work situation certainly plays into it, since work was pretty much my entire life prior to last year. I’m in my early/mid-30s. As a kid I was very very introverted and struggled socially/was often bullied. Starting around mid-high school, I started to have close friends and feel comfortable in that realm. Throughout my life since, I’ve had many good friends, although I sometimes have struggled with being in the moment and really listening and engaging, which I’ve tried to work on. I tend to be one of those people planning out what I’m going to say when I really should just be listening and responding in the moment-I know it’s terrible, hopefully I’m on my way to being better with this. Overall, I’ve noticed I’ve been more guarded the last couple of years, it’s hard to explain, but just not being fully honest or vulnerable. Maybe in the past few months, I’ve felt like I have little to no friends, even though I do go to dinners/catch up with friends, and there are many amazing people I call my friends, there’s something very surface-y about it. It’s not their fault at all, I feel it’s me, but I’ve started to feel a little lonely, which is unusual for me. I should add for context given my age that I do have several single friends, as well as a  few who are a married/in long-term relationships but actually the majority are single, so it's not necessarily symptomatic of wanting to spend more time with spouse/kids (only one friend has kids so far).

In the dating realm, I’ve had many long-term friends with benefits situations, flings, short-term monogamous relationships, but never really someone I could say is 100% my boyfriend and I’m excited about, which is unusual at my age. I know dating would probably help me get out of my rut, but in the past 4-5 years, I’ve had maybe 2-3 few month dating situations, then I decide I’m not interested and move on. On the apps, I’ll be immediately bored or turned off by messages. I certainly don't go on anywhere near enough dates to complain about it not working out with anyone.

I realize this is all a “me” problem. In past dating/“relationship” situations, I used to be extremely excited about sex, passionate, and have major crushes on people, and now it’s almost like I’m borderline asexual and find sex exhausting to get through for the most part. I’ve also had some inappropriate relationships in the past, such as sleeping with an ex I still had feelings for when they were in a new relationship, a friend’s family member, etc. Part of me I think is afraid that if I turn my emotions on again I may make terrible decisions-although I should add for context the last situation like this was 7-8 years ago and I don’t feel it’s who I am anymore. 

I really want to be someone who wants a “normal” relationship, gets excited about a great message on a dating app, but I’ve never truly been able to get there, and I almost feel “grossed out” by someone being extremely into me. I've gone back and forth that maybe I'm just not someone who wants a partner, as I love being alone (often travel alone etc). Again this could maybe be a “journal…” but just felt like putting it out into the universe. I have done therapy many times, but sometimes I feel I'm even guarded with the therapist!

Hope everyone is having a nice evening.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, AnonymousDuck said:

...sometimes I feel I'm even guarded with the therapist!

Yep! The 'good' patient. You know all the right answers people want to hear, and this includes your therapist. The problem is, it's not authentic. And this wastes your money, and it wastes your time. You get the immediate reward of being regarded as a bright and well adjusted human being, but then you realize that all you've just accomplished was dodging the discomfort of identifying shame.

1 hour ago, AnonymousDuck said:

Part of me I think is afraid that if I turn my emotions on again I may make terrible decisions

Sounds like you're verging on busting out of a suspended state. You've been ashamed of something, maybe from the 7 or 8 years ago or earlier, and you opted to straighten up and fly right. So you've been going through the right motions and staying out of touch with whatever may have shamed you enough to stuff it and snap yourself into shape.

It might be a good idea to consider your post above to be a goldmine to review with a new therapist, along with a confession that you've slid right by your prior therapist(s) and need someone who will hold you accountable to discussing your innermost uglies. You'll need to commit to making a mess and feeling pretty lousy about that for a while as you learn how to best clean it up and feel pride in that. You've skipped steps. You've tidied up to present well, but you know where your dirt is hidden, and you may be ready to address it.

The key word above is 'new' therapist, because you were able to bamboozle any prior ones, and so you're not likely to trust their judgment--or your own when you are with them. I know this, because I've done it, too.

Head high, and write more if it helps.  

[Batya33]

I like Catfeeder's input -and how is your basic physical health? I mean really basic.  Do you -drink enough plain water/eat reasonably healthy food/get outside almost every day and move your body daily/get real exercise at least a couple of times a week? Sleeping enough and maybe on some sort of schedule that aligns with your body clock?

Not a doctor or health care provider.  Big believer in looking to the basics first. I'm a very social person very extroverted but changed a lot -towards introverted -when I became a mom 15 years and about one month ago.  And the pandemic -I let it affect me socially.  I had this odd thought this morning on the treadmill -where I am every early morning -that I'd rather be on that treadmill watching snippets of Law and Order and Dateline than being out at a new Thai/Sushi restaurant with friends - because my friend did that last night so that occurred to me.  That's not "like" me but it's the darn truth - I feel much happier these days on my channel-surfing treadmill than socializing at a restaurant at night. 

Sometimes it feels good to be that honest - you are being honest with yourself too but you're worried about your thoughts and feelings.  I understand.  So I'd adress the physical health basics and for sure either stop the guarded stuff with this therapist - and tell the therapist about that -or find a new one (I imagine that's not easy- but I like Catfeeder's suggestion). 

Good luck and I like how appreciative you were about your former posts. I'm glad you got good input!

[Kwothe28]

30s are a bit rough regarding to people who still not found themselves out there. In 20s its OK. Society in most cases doesnt expect you to find yourself in 20s. You can finish school(lots of people finish college in late 20s), you can wander around regarding jobs, your friends have more time and you can go out more casually with them or even regarding relationships. 30s are a bit different. You are expected to find yourself regarding a job and what you want to do in life. Same with your personal relationships. You are expected to know what you want and find somebody that would be your companion for life. Maybe even have kids. Your friends(who also either have kids or are busy with work or life) dont have that much time for you because they have their own lives going on. 

Its tough for you because you dont have any of that going on. You have not found yourself regarding a job, have no long term relationship and kids, and even if your friends have no kids, you dont hang out as before. Which results in you feeling overall disatisfaction with your life. 

Do you have time outside of a job?Maybe you should use that time to pursue some kind of a hobby that would get you out there and meet new people. Not even thinking relationship-wise but maybe only friends-wise. It would maybe get you out of the slump and make you more satisfied with life in general. In turn, in time maybe other things change too.

[AnonymousDuck]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yep! The 'good' patient. You know all the right answers people want to hear, and this includes your therapist. The problem is, it's not authentic. And this wastes your money, and it wastes your time. You get the immediate reward of being regarded as a bright and well adjusted human being, but then you realize that all you've just accomplished was dodging the discomfort of identifying shame.

Sounds like you're verging on busting out of a suspended state. You've been ashamed of something, maybe from the 7 or 8 years ago or earlier, and you opted to straighten up and fly right. So you've been going through the right motions and staying out of touch with whatever may have shamed you enough to stuff it and snap yourself into shape.

It might be a good idea to consider your post above to be a goldmine to review with a new therapist, along with a confession that you've slid right by your prior therapist(s) and need someone who will hold you accountable to discussing your innermost uglies. You'll need to commit to making a mess and feeling pretty lousy about that for a while as you learn how to best clean it up and feel pride in that. You've skipped steps. You've tidied up to present well, but you know where your dirt is hidden, and you may be ready to address it.

The key word above is 'new' therapist, because you were able to bamboozle any prior ones, and so you're not likely to trust their judgment--or your own when you are with them. I know this, because I've done it, too.

Head high, and write more if it helps.  

Thanks so much for your reply. A lot of it resonated, especially about knowing all the things to say that people want to hear. Not just to a therapist, sometimes I feel I am literally BSing myself too. Appreciate this great reply, definitely feeling ready to bust out-thanks again. 

[AnonymousDuck]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I like Catfeeder's input -and how is your basic physical health? I mean really basic.  Do you -drink enough plain water/eat reasonably healthy food/get outside almost every day and move your body daily/get real exercise at least a couple of times a week? Sleeping enough and maybe on some sort of schedule that aligns with your body clock?

Not a doctor or health care provider.  Big believer in looking to the basics first. I'm a very social person very extroverted but changed a lot -towards introverted -when I became a mom 15 years and about one month ago.  And the pandemic -I let it affect me socially.  I had this odd thought this morning on the treadmill -where I am every early morning -that I'd rather be on that treadmill watching snippets of Law and Order and Dateline than being out at a new Thai/Sushi restaurant with friends - because my friend did that last night so that occurred to me.  That's not "like" me but it's the darn truth - I feel much happier these days on my channel-surfing treadmill than socializing at a restaurant at night. 

Sometimes it feels good to be that honest - you are being honest with yourself too but you're worried about your thoughts and feelings.  I understand.  So I'd adress the physical health basics and for sure either stop the guarded stuff with this therapist - and tell the therapist about that -or find a new one (I imagine that's not easy- but I like Catfeeder's suggestion). 

Good luck and I like how appreciative you were about your former posts. I'm glad you got good input!

Thanks Batya! Yes, I go through very good periods of exercising well, then tend to fall off when I have a big project. Currently I’ve been very consistent the last month (trying to do at least 150 minutes per week), but really intending to keep it consistent this time even when things get crazier because I know it helps me so much. I also need to watch the sugar, which is probably my biggest downfall. Very obsessive about having a dessert before bed. While it’s probably not the cause of every issue in my life, sugar certainly doesn’t help with positive feelings and overall help. 
 

I too am a huge SVU and Dateline fan! I would say a lot of the time I’m also happier watching a show I love than being out and about, I probably enjoy about a 70/30 blend of both. 
 

appreciate your insight, thank you so much. 

[AnonymousDuck]

59 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

30s are a bit rough regarding to people who still not found themselves out there. In 20s its OK. Society in most cases doesnt expect you to find yourself in 20s. You can finish school(lots of people finish college in late 20s), you can wander around regarding jobs, your friends have more time and you can go out more casually with them or even regarding relationships. 30s are a bit different. You are expected to find yourself regarding a job and what you want to do in life. Same with your personal relationships. You are expected to know what you want and find somebody that would be your companion for life. Maybe even have kids. Your friends(who also either have kids or are busy with work or life) dont have that much time for you because they have their own lives going on. 

Its tough for you because you dont have any of that going on. You have not found yourself regarding a job, have no long term relationship and kids, and even if your friends have no kids, you dont hang out as before. Which results in you feeling overall disatisfaction with your life. 

Do you have time outside of a job?Maybe you should use that time to pursue some kind of a hobby that would get you out there and meet new people. Not even thinking relationship-wise but maybe only friends-wise. It would maybe get you out of the slump and make you more satisfied with life in general. In turn, in time maybe other things change too.

Thanks for this. I do think hobbies would be a great thing to develop-I do have a dog and like Batya enjoy some Dateline, traveling (the latter assuming the $$ is coming in consistently enough!) In my particular industry, many people pretty much consider their work to be their life and don’t necessarily have tons of hobbies or extracurriculars on the side but I think I’m craving something like that. It’s a funny thing with regard to not having it together with work, because until I was 33 I was praised constantly for having my stuff together in that sense and being successful. I still am (hard to explain without giving away the industry or specifics), but because of the freelance aspect it’s different now and a constant hustle and obviously a different animal. Probably not having my feet on solid ground with a 100% consistent job anymore is making me notice the lack of relationship more. I know that while I do need to continue to make sure I’m earning enough and working enough, I also need to develop other parts of my life.

 

thanks so much!

[AnonymousDuck]

32 minutes ago, AnonymousDuck said:

Thanks Batya! Yes, I go through very good periods of exercising well, then tend to fall off when I have a big project. Currently I’ve been very consistent the last month (trying to do at least 150 minutes per week), but really intending to keep it consistent this time even when things get crazier because I know it helps me so much. I also need to watch the sugar, which is probably my biggest downfall. Very obsessive about having a dessert before bed. While it’s probably not the cause of every issue in my life, sugar certainly doesn’t help with positive feelings and overall help. 
 

I too am a huge SVU and Dateline fan! I would say a lot of the time I’m also happier watching a show I love than being out and about, I probably enjoy about a 70/30 blend of both. 
 

appreciate your insight, thank you so much. 

Oh and I’m about 15-20 lbs overweight. Always been a thing on and off. It does impact my life and health, but after many years of yo-yo dieting (was on Jenny Craig and Atkins…and more starting as early as 12), and on and off times of being praised for losing weight, getting an obvious look of sadness or disappointment when I’d gained, the whole thing has lost its appeal to me. I’ve never quite been able to crack it just with intuitive eating or being healthy without a diet. Whole other conversation but if helpful for context x

[yogacat]

I really enjoyed my thirties. My twenties I was growing and changing so much, but it felt like everything in my thirties just clicked into place. 

It's distressing for you about the quality of friend connection, but I wouldn't overthink it too much. You noticed it and there's something to be said for that. As long as you are actively deciding who you want to be then you'll be more likely to make connections that are beneficial and important to friends.

The "surface-y" friends are there but it's OK to let them go...

For dating, it's like anything else. If you aren't interested, you aren't interested. I wouldn't beat you up for it. Maybe the expectation is that at this chapter in your life, you should be interested in dating, but maybe you just aren't there yet. 

Do things that bring you joy and fulfillment, and being open to whatever paths or connections come your way. Don't put pressure on yourself to be anyone's partner or to fit into a specific mold. Trust that you will attract the right people and circumstances into your life as you continue to grow and evolve. 

The first thing in the morning, I devote a set period of time with no distractions and make it a really happy, fun routine where I light my candles, listen to some relaxing music, let the light in (natural if possible) and make a piping hot cup of coffee that is really good and I just like to just sit, and do nothing else but enjoy my coffee. I do three quick things after this, but nothing until this first and it's almost like resetting yourself to be able to go into the day happier than you would be otherwise. 

I think I do that (and I don't know if it's the same for you...) because mornings are the hardest for me where I wake up and I'm like "ugh, another day where I need to do x, y, z stuff" and I can really get down at the first 30 minutes so I combat it with light & tangibles - the combination is really helpful to me i.e. light + music or candles give me contentment combined with the routines of a simple task i.e. making coffee & concentrated periods, no screens.

Is anyone else this way? 

So, for example, if getting into a really healthy, loving, deep relationship is something you know you want in your life eventually then my suggestion to you is to not give up on that. Instead of it taking up so much mental bandwidth or trying to actively search for it, you trust that you'll find someone who will meet you there and that you actually need to be there or ready your next steps.

[smackie9]

I'm gonna say, the older you get, the less of a need to have many friends/busy life. Over the years for me, I have limited my social circle to just a few+ close friends and I am quite happy with that. Less energy is needed, and I do enjoy more of "ME time" to decompress from my work week. You want to get out of your rut, I suggest sticking with a schedule of what you do with your time and follow it. When you organize your time, you are able to fit in things that have meaning to you, like exercise, lunch with the girls, swimming, reading, enjoy a movie night, pick a drawer to clean/organize, etc. This will reset your brain, and give you more fulfillment/accomplishment and ready for the next chapter in your life. 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I'm gonna say, the older you get, the less of a need to have many friends/busy life. Over the years for me, I have limited my social circle to just a few+ close friends and I am quite happy with that.

I am the same. I have only a few 'real' and decent friends. I have no need for parties anymore. Mainly family functions. I do have some pets and hobbies and I am okay with this 🙂 . ( haven't been involved in over 5 yrs).  But, I am fine.

There is no rules out there saying we have to be in a relationship. It's more how WE want it.  My ex mother in law's brother never married.  he remained single & helped his mother out.

We all go down different paths in our lives.  My youngest hasn't dated ( 22 yrs old) and my oldest is now married ( to gf of almost 10 yrs) . See, it's different for everyone.  No need to feel pressure or compare 😉 .

If you do feel you're 'in a slump', maybe consider seeking some prof help.  Like you're feeling somethings missing?  Either that or you're just thinking it is not right- when maybe it is alright 🙂 ? 

 

[AnonymousDuck]

On 4/1/2024 at 12:31 PM, SooSad33 said:

I am the same. I have only a few 'real' and decent friends. I have no need for parties anymore. Mainly family functions. I do have some pets and hobbies and I am okay with this 🙂 . ( haven't been involved in over 5 yrs).  But, I am fine.

There is no rules out there saying we have to be in a relationship. It's more how WE want it.  My ex mother in law's brother never married.  he remained single & helped his mother out.

We all go down different paths in our lives.  My youngest hasn't dated ( 22 yrs old) and my oldest is now married ( to gf of almost 10 yrs) . See, it's different for everyone.  No need to feel pressure or compare 😉 .

If you do feel you're 'in a slump', maybe consider seeking some prof help.  Like you're feeling somethings missing?  Either that or you're just thinking it is not right- when maybe it is alright 🙂 ? 

 

Totally, I've been back and forth thinking I may just be one of the few people who just doesn't want a relationship, but if that were the case, I'd probably not be making posts about it...thanks so much for your insight.

[AnonymousDuck]

On 4/1/2024 at 7:33 AM, smackie9 said:

I'm gonna say, the older you get, the less of a need to have many friends/busy life. Over the years for me, I have limited my social circle to just a few+ close friends and I am quite happy with that. Less energy is needed, and I do enjoy more of "ME time" to decompress from my work week. You want to get out of your rut, I suggest sticking with a schedule of what you do with your time and follow it. When you organize your time, you are able to fit in things that have meaning to you, like exercise, lunch with the girls, swimming, reading, enjoy a movie night, pick a drawer to clean/organize, etc. This will reset your brain, and give you more fulfillment/accomplishment and ready for the next chapter in your life. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I agree, totally normal for your social circle to decrease over time.

[mylolita]

Evening Duck! 
 

I will add, I have seen a pattern in life and it goes something like this!

 

Really nice people, genuine authentic people, don’t tend to have loads of friends! They tend to have a select few, even maybe just one, or two. The large masses and circles of groups are quite superficial. How can anyone really get to know and form a deep true friendship and bond with 30 people?! 
 

Don’t worry! Don’t use your own yard stick against other peoples lives or what they are doing or what you feel you should be doing to measure your own happiness and satisfaction! 
 

I would focus on one or two things you’d like to change, make solid steps to change some small things, and go from there! And; maybe join a group or head out to something new and decide to meet some new people, make some new friends, or a new friend, this year or next! Don’t settle unless you really click, same with the dating. I think you did right in that regard! 
 

It’s okay to not have everything worked out. No one does. Not even the wise old 90 year old rocking on his porch. The majority of people wing it, they just don’t tell you! People are making mistakes and have regrets and feelings of being in slumps often.

 

Life is full of seasons, some last longer than others. Don’t judge yourself too harshly - sometimes we have low points, dull points, good months or great years. It all depends. 
 

I really wish you all the best but I think you’ll be just fine! 
 

x

[boltnrun]

Someone I know has 6,000 Facebook friends. In fact, he had to go to Facebook tech support and ask them to allow him to add more friends because they put a limit at 3,000 or something. No way can he be close to 6,000 people, but I guess he likes seeing a big number or something.

I always had a lot of friends but I define "a lot" as maybe two dozen. Not hundreds! Now, as an older lady, I have a handful of close friends. I tend to value my family more now that I'm older.

As for romantic relationships, I've dialed back on those as well, especially since I had some form of connection from age 18 to age 48-ish, with hardly a break in between. I am not pursuing that currently although in time that could change. I enjoy doing things alone as well as with one or two friends or family members.

So in summary, I think it's OK to take some time to reflect on what it is you really want from interpersonal connections. Just try to make sure you're not actually withdrawing due to depression or any other health issues.

[AnonymousDuck]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

Evening Duck! 
 

I will add, I have seen a pattern in life and it goes something like this!

 

Really nice people, genuine authentic people, don’t tend to have loads of friends! They tend to have a select few, even maybe just one, or two. The large masses and circles of groups are quite superficial. How can anyone really get to know and form a deep true friendship and bond with 30 people?! 
 

Don’t worry! Don’t use your own yard stick against other peoples lives or what they are doing or what you feel you should be doing to measure your own happiness and satisfaction! 
 

I would focus on one or two things you’d like to change, make solid steps to change some small things, and go from there! And; maybe join a group or head out to something new and decide to meet some new people, make some new friends, or a new friend, this year or next! Don’t settle unless you really click, same with the dating. I think you did right in that regard! 
 

It’s okay to not have everything worked out. No one does. Not even the wise old 90 year old rocking on his porch. The majority of people wing it, they just don’t tell you! People are making mistakes and have regrets and feelings of being in slumps often.

 

Life is full of seasons, some last longer than others. Don’t judge yourself too harshly - sometimes we have low points, dull points, good months or great years. It all depends. 
 

I really wish you all the best but I think you’ll be just fine! 
 

x

Thank you so much for the great thoughts! Totally agree on the seasons of life, the older I get, the more I realize there are just certain up and down periods. I think it's less that I want tons of friends, more that I just feel disconnected in a sense from the ones I do have. But, this week has actually been a bit better overall so far and feeling better mentally so hopefully it stays positive. x