Never thought this would happen to me

[Nona123456]

I am 19 years old, and I feel like I am still really young and it’s really hard for me to cope with this situation. As someone with mental health issues it really really affects me and I just don’t know how to cope. I know it will get better. I come from an abusive home that I had to move out of when I was 18. I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years so when I moved in with my now ex boyfriend it seemed like a great idea. He was my safe space and I went to him to be get away from abuse. When I moved in we were already together for over a year and lived with each other for almost 2 years. Everything was great. But for a while now he just changed. He started calling me names, started getting aggressive, would grab me when we got into arguments and leave me bruises. I loved him so much and also felt like I had no choice as I didn’t really have a place to stay. We got an apartment together with all the promises that he will improve. I know some people will ask what have I done to make him act like this. Realistically, I would stand up for myself if he did something I didn’t like, like speak to me in a bad way. It hurts because I felt like he started taking all his frustration over me but I knew he was once a good guy so I believed him when he kept promising me he will change. I gave chance after chance but I finally left. The breaking point was the fact that I found videos on his phone naked in bed with another woman that he took to his sisters house. The worst thing is he keeps denying it saying he was drunk and doesn’t remember anything. He even told me a pathetic excuse that they didn’t even have sex they just got undressed. He makes me feel sick as I genuinely tried to give him all my heart. He hasn’t considered I’m a human being at all who struggles now that this has happened because of my living situation. I’ve been sleeping on the floor because I hate him for doing this to me. I’m currently trying to find some place to move into. But I feel so fragile and exhausted after giving this man all my love. He keeps begging for me back saying he’ll change again and he’ll be better and that he loves me. I don’t know why he bothers doing that anymore since he clearly doesn’t love me. I feel so fragile at the moment. I know it will get better but I hate the fact I still have to talk to him, I just want to move on with my life and never see him again. I just don’t understand what I did wrong for him to change into this evil person I don’t recognise. What did I do wrong I just don’t understand 

[smackie9]

Once you get away from him and go no contact, you will get your strength, and stand tall. I too was in an abusive relationship where he would say he would change but a week later he was back at it. The cycle kept repeating itself. It was hard to walk away but it was the best thing I ever did. It takes a lot of healing and self love, but you will get through it. Don't let him hoover you back...you be firm and cut him off. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Nona123456 said:

 I’ve been sleeping on the floor because I hate him for doing this to me. I’m currently trying to find some place to move into.   I just want to move on with my life and never see him again. I just don’t understand what I did wrong for him to change into this evil person. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you went from the frying pan to the fire and sadly this made you overlook red flags. You did nothing wrong. He was always like this it's just that abusers.

Trust your instincts he doesn't love you or view you as a person with feelings. He enjoys hurting you.

Please contact domestic violence agencies for information support advice and help. They can help you find accomodations and get on your feet again. Here is a good place to start

https://nnedv.org/content/red-flags-of-abuse/

[boltnrun]

5 hours ago, Nona123456 said:

I know some people will ask what have I done to make him act like this.

Nope, only people who make excuses for abusers would ever ask that. Abusers abuse because they like it, not because someone forced them to do it. 

5 hours ago, Nona123456 said:

I found videos on his phone naked in bed with another woman that he took to his sisters house. The worst thing is he keeps denying it saying he was drunk and doesn’t remember anything. He even told me a pathetic excuse that they didn’t even have sex they just got undressed.

If he doesn't remember anything how does he know they just got undressed? And he was apparently sober enough to film videos, right?

Do you have any relatives or friends you can stay with? He probably isolated you but there must still be people who care about you and would give you a couch to sleep on temporarily. And do you have a job or has he made you financially dependent on him? If you have a job you can look for a room to rent. If you don't have a job, start looking for something now.

I'm sorry this has happened. You are indeed young, so you have a great chance to get away from abusers and have a good life. I wish you the best.

[Andrina]

The main thing you need to understand right now is that your brain won't be fully matured to its adult state until you're about 25. That's why you made the mistake of moving in with a love interest, at too young of an age, as a means of escape. Yes, you needed to escape, but it would've been better if you could've moved in with a caring relative, if one exists in your life, or even been temporarily placed in a group foster home or a foster-care situation. That would've ensured safety without moving in too soon with someone you really didn't know. 

For now, come up with a plan of exit that never again involves any man as a life preserver. You never again want to be dependent on anyone for a roof over your head after you get on your feet. Do you work? Are you in college? Do you have extended family you can seek for temporary shelter while giving back with housework, etc., until you can manage on your own?

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[TeeDee]

9 hours ago, Nona123456 said:

 I know it will get better but I hate the fact I still have to talk to him, I just want to move on with my life and never see him again. I just don’t understand what I did wrong for him to change into this evil person I don’t recognise. What did I do wrong I just don’t understand 

You didn't do anything wrong but you may have been inadvertently repeating the pattern of abuse you grew up with.  

That said, as much as you don't want to move on with your life & never see him again that may be the best thing for you.  NC is a powerful healing tool stemming from out of sight out of mind.  He cheated.  Now he's lying about it & trying to gaslight you about what you saw with your own eyes on his phone.   There is no need to continue to talk to him.  He can't change it & all he's gonna do is lie to you some more. 

You are stronger than you know & you will get through this.  Find a new place to live.  Keep breathing in & out.  One day at a time.  

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, Nona123456 said:

I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years so when I moved in with my now ex boyfriend it seemed like a great idea. He was my safe space and I went to him to be get away from abuse. When I moved in we were already together for over a year and lived with each other for almost 2 years. Everything was great. But for a while now he just changed. He started calling me names, started getting aggressive, would grab me when we got into arguments and leave me bruises.

I don't have much more to add, and agree with the others 100%.

This may sound odd but I thank you so much for posting this, it really hit home for me due to a similar issue I am (or was) struggling with.  Specifically what's bolded and about him promising to change.

If interested, see my thread in the Abuse and Violence section discussing Gabby Petito's story (she was murdered by her abusive boyfriend) and my own story and the great responses, it may help you too!

People don't really change do they?  It's their character, and one's basic character never changes.  And with the right opportunity, no matter how much work they put towards changing, there is always a possibility for relapse.

You don't realize it but you just put everything in perspective for me, so thank you and I wish you all the best on your journey, away from this, um, "person."

Good luck!!

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

Consider contacting the human services department of your local hospital, and ask for a referral to a case worker and any available experts or groups that offer counseling for domestic violence prevention.

Between your need to leave your family and your premature move in with your BF, you may be an eligible candidate for help and resources that may help you to move to a safe place.

My heart goes out to you, and please write more if it helps.