Depressed girlfriend calls it off with me

[Wtx970022]

Hello all. I am new here. I’m needing some advice/encouragement. My story is kind of long. 
 

So recently me and depressed girlfriend separated. No hard feelings, I told her I am here for her and will support her through this time.

 

So from the start we were together for 2.5 years. We met around 6 months after she divorced from a pretty “numb” marriage of 7 years. No abuse just a very odd no affection marriage from the start. So we met 6 months afterwards. She has 2 kids that am very fond of. We (kids) really hit it off early and I’m so thankful we did. I knew early on that she was such a beautiful person inside and out (I still think that). We had a baby together unexpectedly but we are so happy to have him. She got post partum depression about 5 months after birth and it spiraled out of control from there. For so long she said she was exhausted from work and the baby not sleeping well so I had no idea about the depression… I thought it was that. For the last year we have been an emotionally struggling relationship. We didn’t do much together anymore and We slowly grew apart. She was always tired so I stopped asking to do things as a family (I regret that SO much). I loved her with all my heart and still do. I had hoped we’d both come out of the “rut” we were in but we didn’t.  We never had fights but She is a very private person and struggles with communication. About a month ago she finally opened up about her depression and how she feels. Im so sad because she’d been struggling for so long mentally and holding it on. She told me 3 weeks ago she wanted to separate and move out to get her own place. I’m heart broken and devastated. Our issues seem so fixable but she says she needs time to be alone and focus on herself and mental healing from her past choices. She says our relationship took off really fast (I agree) and she needs time to focus on healing her mind. She is such a beautiful soul and I’m not ready to move on. I love her and her kids so much. I’m devastated to see them go. I need advice and encouragement. Our relationship was great until her depression took over and it really shut her down mentally. How can I be there and support her without being overbearing? Remember we have a young kiddo together. I want so bad to work things out but she insists she wants to be alone and focus on her mental health. Do people come back to a once healthy relationship after they get their depression managed? My story is so long I’d be here for hours so I tried to summarize it. Thank you everyone 

[Batya33]

I would put the best interests of your child first.  Co-parent etc.  I'm so sorry she's struggling.  Yes I think if she gets the help she needs she likely will be willing to work on the relationship. I'm sorry you're struggling too!

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Wtx970022 said:

We had a baby together unexpectedly but we are so happy to have him. She got post partum depression about 5 months after birth and it spiraled out of control from there. She told me 3 weeks ago she wanted to separate and move out to get her own place. . She says our relationship took off really fast (I agree) and she needs time to focus on healing her mind. 

Sorry this is happening. Where did she move to? Does she have supportive friends and family?

Do you have a scheduled visitation/ custody and child support arrangement for your child? Are you coparenting? How often do you see her, her children and your child? 

All you can do is give her space. It does seem like she was on the rebound and it was too much too soon. Perhaps some time and improving her mental and physical health will help. 

 

[ShySoul]

When a child is involved, they should always come first. So make she the children are safe and provided for first and foremost.

Given everything you wrote, I can tell you are a caring person and do love her and want to help her.  The best way to do that is to do the things you've always done, just not necessarily be there in person all the time. Provide for the children. Check in when you pick up/drop them off. Let her know you are there if she needs anything. Then let her handle herself. Give her time and space just as she requested. When she is ready, there is a good chance she will come to you. Yes, things could still work out. If you want to believe in it, if that helps you get through this, then believe it is possible. Anything is possible. Just don't try to force anything. Time, patience, and understanding will get both of you through.

[Wtx970022]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I will add that we have a co parenting plan together and vowed to do whatever is best for our kiddo. I firmly believe we will be great at co parenting as we got along really well while we were together. They are moving around 5 minutes away so it will be convenient for us all. I told her whatever she or the kids need that I will try my best to help out if needed. I told her also that if her or the kiddos need a safe place that my house is always there for them. She is doing the needed things for herself which is mental therapy and medication. I’m so proud of how we have handled this situation so far.. she’s really hurting mentally and I promised her I will be a supporter of her and try to make this transition as “easy” as possible for her.

[Wtx970022]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Where did she move to? Does she have supportive friends and family?

Do you have a scheduled visitation/ custody and child support arrangement for your child? Are you coparenting? How often do you see her, her children and your child? 

All you can do is give her space. It does seem like she was on the rebound and it was too much too soon. Perhaps some time and improving her mental and physical health will help. 

 

I will see them everyday. We vowed to co parent to our best ability and I strongly believe we will be successful with it. I know with my heart she wants what is best for her kids, along as I do too. We enjoyed fishing together and I asked if I could take her kids along soon to the lake. I offered for her to come along as well. I first asked if she had any issue with all of us going (her also) and she replied that she is totally fine with that. I think we all will enjoy the quality time together outdoors.

[MissCanuck]

It's great that you are such a caring person. 

However, it's also important that you take care of yourself now, too. She has broken up with you, so it is in your best interest not to be "there" too much as she moves into this next chapter. Understand that even if she gets a handle on her depression, she may not be back. 

You can be supportive from a healthy distance. Otherwise, this will wind up taking too much of a toll on you. 

[Wtx970022]

40 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It's great that you are such a caring person. 

However, it's also important that you take care of yourself now, too. She has broken up with you, so it is in your best interest not to be "there" too much as she moves into this next chapter. Understand that even if she gets a handle on her depression, she may not be back. 

You can be supportive from a healthy distance. Otherwise, this will wind up taking too much of a toll on you. 

Thank you for the input. I understand that and try to keep it all at a “happy medium” however it’s hard to tell what is too little and too much on my end. She repeatedly says “I’m so sorry” for ending things like this. From my perspective, she hates to end things with me but she feels her mental health is more important right now and I agree. I will always be here. I love her to pieces. When I don’t fully understand, as I’ve never dealt with deep depression… only slight anxiety. However, I assured her I’m not hurt and that I support and respect her decision to try get herself on track to getting better mentally. I have a close friend that went through this several years ago. They split for 3 months until the now wife got herself under control and they have been back together ever since. So they have been really helping me with advice. They are friends as well with my now ex and they’ve reached out and let her know they are there for her as well. My friend and his wife encourage me to be there for her and co parent the best I can. If she gets her mental state under control, she may be back. We was fine until post partum depression hit her hard. So that’s my only motivation that if we had a good relationship then she may be interested in working things out in the future.  I’m trying to stay positive but not “fantasy” positive if that makes sense. Meaning not setting myself up for disappointment later on. 

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, Wtx970022 said:

 I’m trying to stay positive but not “fantasy” positive if that makes sense. Meaning not setting myself up for disappointment later on. 

Yes, it does. And that's important. 

She has also cited the fact that this relationship moved too quickly led her (in part) to where she is now. So while depression is likely a contributing factor, and it appears it is not the only factor. She jumped from the frying pan into the fire when she entered a relationship with you quite soon after her divorce. That isn't something that managing her depression will change. 

All you can do is give her space, and think about your next steps even if you two don't reunite. 

[Wtx970022]

I do want to add that I am supportive and caring of her everyday. I’m so proud of her and I tell her that everyday. Even though we aren’t technically together anymore, we still text off and on throughout the day. Whether it’s about the kids or just casual conversation. I can’t speak for her but I feel we both still enjoy each others company whether it’s in person or via text. I only asked once why we couldn’t work things out so I’m not “wearing out” that subject. I try to not bring up our reasons for separation and such anymore. We’ve talked about it quite a bit and I feel at this point it is “pouring salt on a wound”. I try to keep the conversations light and enjoyable when we do talk. However if we do need to have a serious talk, we will do so. 

[Batya33]

I wouldn't help her with her kids -you'll have enough on your plate and since you're not in her life it's best if her kids detach from you -maybe someday they'll bond with a stepfather so let them bond with their own mother. Also you'll need more $ to live on your own and co-parent so don't commit your time to helping with her kids -too confusing for everyone.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Wtx970022 said:

I do want to add that I am supportive and caring of her everyday. I’m so proud of her and I tell her that everyday.

While I know you have good intentions, this is not necessary.  It may in fact backfire. It doesn't sound as though she is a helpless soul who needs the constant emotional support of her ex, and even if she appreciates your kindness, it can also quickly become rather suffocating and contrived. 

She knows you suport her and care about her. But she also dumped you and moved out. It's important you balance the desire to be her cheerleader with a healthy dose of self-preservation as well. Try not be too White Knight about this, in other words. 

[TeeDee]

Sadly I think you were a rebound.  Taking up with you & having a kid 6 months after a divorce was too soon.  She never processed that loss.   The added stress of a 3rd child must have been overwhelming.  I'm sorry you missed the signs & this is now out of control. 

I think she's being extremely foolish.  Opting for single parenthood of 3 kids when she couldn't handle the stress with you around is foolish on her part.  You and the other kids' da better be there because I don't think she's capable of keeping 3 kids on track alone in her present state. 

You would do well to distance yourself from the kids who aren't yours. 

You seem like a kind caring person but she may be feeling smothered by your attentions.  There is such a thing as being too nice.   

[tattoobunnie]

On 3/23/2024 at 6:33 PM, Wtx970022 said:

she needs time to be alone and focus on herself and mental healing from her past choices.

If her depression is that bad, I would not leave her alone with your baby. I would seek temporary sole custody; who knows what she may do.