Is (was) he playing?? Feeling foolish stupid and ashamed

[nattz4512]

This is a long read. Thanks for reading

This guy who lives in my neighborhood and I started communicating and occassionally seeing each other in September 2023. We both are busy and don’t get to see each other often. He works 8-12 hours a day, and I am unemployed due to disability and I also am a caregiver for my sickly 92 year old mother.

Over the course of our dynamics, him and I have had problems and sometimes have cut communication with each other multiple times but so far have always ventured back to one another. In the time we’ve been communicating he expressed to me that he thinks I’m a nice person whose morals and virtues align with his, that he wants to eventually marry and start a family with. We both have expressed and exchanged feelings of fondness towards one another.

We’ve had xes twice and each time after, he cuts off communicating and has ghost me. The first time we had xes was 6 months ago…he ghosted me for a short while…and later apologized and said that it was due to him feeling insecure and questioning his size, performance, and capabilities. . We just had xes for the second time 3 days ago, and I haven’t heard from since, and he’s been ignoring my texts… I have only texted him twice. Once to ask how he was feeling…the other to wish him a good day ahead.

Him ghosting me last time lasted for about 2 weeks… then he texted me apologizing, saying he missed me and told me things were not okay with him and he questioned me if I had been satisfied.

Last week he had about 2 guys over for company…or so I thought… I had asked a few minutes before I knew of his company, if he wanted to see me then…in which he never responded.that day…not even to tell me he’s busy…

I thought that was strange because he’s always asking to spend more time with me…even if it’s a quick hug… He has left company before to see me for a hug.

I am almost certain that I saw him there with another woman as well and they were making out…

He swears that there are no other women…

During our breaks, on his way to and from work he often looks at my house as if hoping to see me.

Is he playing me, and perhaps only using me for sex, to fill voids of loneliness and ego boost???

Does he mean anything he tells me?? Are these red flags and should I end things once and for all??

It's been 2 weeks since we've last communicated.. whenever I see him from my window coming home from work he's always on the phone now..he was never on the phone before when I've seen him commuting. It must be another woman, or multiple right??  It pains me that he seems happy, and unaffected...

Before, when we got into disagreements and arguments, he was always apologizing profusely, telling me that he loved me and didn't want to loose me. Begging me to stay. Ringing my phone a lot....

Now..radio silence for 2 weeks.

I feel like he used me to build himself up and dropped me now that he's feeling confident and confident enough to go after what he wants.

The other day I caved in and called his phone numerous times..each time it would ring a lot and it would cut to voicemail, saying that the user mailbox is full...I feel like he blocked me.

We use to talk daily multiple times. Both initiated. When we would have disagreements sometimes, and would stop communicating for a few days..due to differences of opinions..but he always ventured back to me often apologizing, telling me that he missed me, and just wanted to sit down and talk in person..that we never have to do anything that I don’t want to do. He’s never pressured me into having sex.

Once in the earlier phase.... He told me that he didn’t think it would work out between us and was pursuing other women on social media..and was going to focus on that… I got really upset and heartbroken and wanted clarity..then later on that day he begged me to forgive him and told me he it wasn't true and he was just saying that to make me jealous,  and to see if I was really interested and cared about him. That he felt uncared for by me. He said now that he knew how I felt, he wanted to make plans to spend the rest of our lives together.  That I was the only one for him, etc….

On the last visit, we decided to have sex…and afterwards we talked a bit before him leaving. Before he left he swore he would call and see me the next day, told me he loved me..and kissed me. I didn't doubt that because he would usually follow through with his promises. I told him that we had to learn how to better communicate with one another, and not put  much space between us when there are disagreements.

He agreed, and apologized profusely saying that he wouldn’t disappear anymore. That he often has trouble expressing his emotions. That he wouldn’t do that anymore. That he really loves and cares for me. That he wants to move in, would help pay bills, that I'm his woman and is very excited about marriage and our future together.  

It’s been 2 weeks since we’ve last communicated.. whenever I see him from my window coming home from work he’s always on the phone now..he was never on the phone before. It must be another woman, or multiple right??

He’s logged into social media often, even when he is allegedly at work. The login status is usually a half hour to an hour last active..all during the day…Does that mean he was being dishonest and playing games when he claimed to not be online looking for other women..or another??

I sometimes feel like confronting him, but I think that may be a bad idea. I don’t want him to think that I am desperate and thinking about him, and giving him access to make me a doormat.

I’m soo confused and heartbroken. It is extremely difficult moving on…especially living in close proximity  to one another.

I am doing my best trying to move on, but it still remains currently extremely difficult.. even more so because we live in close proximity.

I'm soo confused and heartbroken. I feel  foolish, ashamed,  embarrassed,  and stupid. 
 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, nattz4512 said:

 He’s never pressured me into having sex.whenever I see him from my window coming home from work he’s always on the phone now..he was never on the phone before. It must be another woman, or multiple right??

Are you dating or just FWB? Unfortunately he doesn't seem consistent or that interested. Is this the same man?

 

[nattz4512]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you dating or just FWB? Unfortunately he doesn't seem consistent or that interested. Is this the same man?

 

Yes it's the same guy. ..

 

Unfortunately against my better judgment,  I had become convinced that I was the problem and everything was my fault...based on some of the comments I had recieved on that post..

 

So I had allowed him back into my life, and we had begun officially dating shortly after..

 

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, nattz4512 said:

Once in the earlier phase.... He told me that he didn’t think it would work out between us and was pursuing other women on social media..and was going to focus on that… I got really upset and heartbroken and wanted clarity..then later on that day he begged me to forgive him and told me he it wasn't true and he was just saying that to make me jealous,  and to see if I was really interested and cared about him. That he felt uncared for by me. He said now that he knew how I felt, he wanted to make plans to spend the rest of our lives together.  That I was the only one for him, etc….

He's full of it.

He's basically using you and I call this a fwb.  Just around when he wants some. That isn't love! And how can you love someone you won't talk to? 😕 

He's a conniving idiot!  Ignore and avoid him from now on.  Be stronger than this and NEVER chase anyone for attention. IF they're interested , you'll know it.

Be done now.  No more games.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, nattz4512 said:

..Is (was) he playing?? Feeling foolish stupid and ashamed

Trust your instincts. This is an awful way to feel in any situation. He doesn't seem to want what you want. Please set yourself free and cut your losses.  

[MissCanuck]

He isn't into you the way you are into him. 

I know it hurts a lot, but if someone wanted to date you, they would date you. He hasn't done that. 

It's best you cut ties because it seems he has indeed found someone else to occupy his time for now, and you don't want the same things from each other anyway. 

[poorlittlefish]

He's been feeding you crumbs and you've been accepting them.  This guy just wants to dangle you on the end of his string for whenever he has nothing better to do and you allow him to.  You've got to the point where you're checking when he's online and waiting by your window, hoping for a glimpse of him as he drives past.  You are literally feeding yourself the crumbs he can't even be bothered to give you.

My ex would ignore me and in the beginning I would be desperate to speak to him.  When I realised it was a pathetic game I would block him, which forced him to find me in person if he wanted to explain his behaviour and resume our relationship.  Even this was a massive waste of time and emotional upheaval for me and when I came to my senses, he was gone for good.  Please block and delete this guy, then find yourself someone who is actually interested in you.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Tiddytok5 said:

How is he using me when we've only had sex only twice..months apart?? He's never pressured me. We use to talk daily, multiple times...

 

He was around months  before we started having sex, and  after...until this last time. This is his first time completely blocking me and ghosting me. 

 

He's always come back and apologized...and always blew up my phone asking for forgiveness. 

 

We've seen each other and hung out without sex multiple times.

He pursued me, and asked me to be his girlfriend before sex.

 

 

Why in the world is there an "always?"  That's on you -there shouldn't be an always - maybe one chance -maybe.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Tiddytok5 said:

He's always come back and apologized...and always blew up my phone asking for forgiveness. 

Why were you still even giving this guy the time of day? 

This shouldn't even be happening when you're dating a decent person. The very fact that this was a repeated occurence means you've been ignoring red flags for a long time. 

 

[TeeDee]

You are not foolish.  There is nothing to be ashamed of.  You believed him; unfortunately he was lying to you.   Now that you know that he's a user who only comes around when he wants sex or an ego boost you should not fall for his malarkey again.  

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Tiddytok5 said:

How is he using me when we've only had sex only twice..months apart?? He's never pressured me. We use to talk daily, multiple times...

 

He was around months  before we started having sex, and  after...until this last time. This is his first time completely blocking me and ghosting me. 

 

He's always come back and apologized...and always blew up my phone asking for forgiveness. 

Okay, well maybe not 'using you', but.. how is all of this BEHAVIOUR of his okay?

Give yourself more credit & respect on what & how YOU should be treated.

How do you see all of this?  You seem to be caught up on this guy, yet he mis treats you...  right?

Someone who DOES want to be around you will show it.  He's messed up!

You say you not longer talk much, that its you do all of the work, etc. Then he blocks or ghosts you?  Nope, I'd be done with someone like this! Simple.

A healthy relationship is not like this!  I'd say he's not that into you .. sorry 😕 .

Move on. Give him nothing anymore. ( unless you are okay with this kind of thing, but if you were, I doubt you'd be here) 😉 . ( Look at your headline, you are feeling foolish & stupid)...

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Tiddytok5 said:

How is he using me when we've only had sex only twice..months apart?? 

Are you @nattz4512  ?

[Andrina]

22 hours ago, nattz4512 said:

I sometimes feel like confronting him, but I think that may be a bad idea. I don’t want him to think that I am desperate and thinking about him, and giving him access to make me a doormat.

Are you desperate? Do you feel like because of your living situation, you can't date as normal women do, and so even with all his faults, he's better than nothing? 

Do you have any family in the area to give you respite to do some fulfilling activities outside of the house? Sometimes there are social services who can assist in occasional care of your mother, or there are senior centers that offer some day care for the elderly, whether paid or free, so you can have some down time. Something for you to look into.

As for the guy, you gave him far too many chances already. It doesn't even matter if he's seeing other women. The fact you've been intimate and have had regular communication makes it a very cruel thing just to cut himself off from you without explanation. Another reason to keep him cut off should he try to return again.  

The only way to get closure is to block him, stop searching for him through the window, and redirect your mind to pampering yourself and engaging in some new, interesting activities. Even if you're homebound, you could learn a new language, start writing fiction or non-fiction as a hobby. There are book discussion groups online. Look up some recipes you want to try. I've been wanting to learn how to cook my own Asian food, and just made a delicious beef and broccoli dish yesterday.

You can also read books and articles on improving your self-esteem, or you will continue allowing toxic people in your life. Take care and let us know how it goes.

[nattz4512]

Thank you everyone.  It will be extremely difficult moving on..getting over him...if that's possible...I love him

[TeeDee]

Love yourself more.  Then it will be easier to get over him.  Get pissed at him for lying to you like that.  Anger is a more productive emotion than self pity.