If you ask a "senior" parent to "live" with you, is it right to...

[surferchic]

...expect them to regularly go someplace else/another relative every other week.

Our mom(senior) got ill 2 years ago, so rather than going back to her home to live alone my sister asked our mom to live with her(out of state).  My sister asked because she has a 3 bedroom/3 bathroom house where there's plenty of space and our mom has a private bedroom and it still allows for my sister and spouse to sleep comfortably.

I, on the other hand, have a one bed/one bath apartment. I have had our mom come stay at my place several times and I sleep on the floor so that she can have my bed. I haven't been able to have her stay as much once I had to travel for work and have a health issue I'm dealing with while still working... I have received helpful feedback from a few others, including a life coach, who've all suggested that I need to hold firmer boundaries or they ask why on earth is my sister trying to have my mom go to my place when my sister has a whole house, plus it just sounds ...mean.

I agree with the feedback but now I guess I want to make sure I'm not tripping. Is it "ethically" right or in good conscious, to ask a senior adult to uproot from out of state where she's lived for about 2 decades, to move and live with you but expect your parent to go someplace else when other people come into town or because you just want less people in your house? I understand if they may want a break but i've offered to go there and give them relief, but they've rejected it saying they don't need another body(me) in the house. I too think it's mean and just not right. Am I tripping?

 

[yogacat]

Is it fair for your mom to stay with your sister for an indefinite period, potentially causing strain on your sister, simply because she is the primary caregiver in your family? Have a conversation with her, listen to her concerns and needs, and then voice your own and come to a solution that works for everyone involved. Consider involving your mom and sister in the decision-making process to ensure that everyone's needs and capabilities are taken into account. Remember, your mom's health and well-being are just as important as your own, and it's important to find a balanced and mutually respectful solution.

Your mom probably wants to feel like you appreciate her and enjoy her company as much as your sister does. One potential issue is your health problem and that you would likely need help from your mom if she visits, which is fair in its own right, but may add to the burden on your sister. Which begs the question, is your mom moving to stay with your sister because of need, for care and support, in which case it may make more sense as a finite and shared responsibility, than an indefinite sharing between you and your sister, or is it a classic case of the elderly being farmed off in the family.

Either way, you can raise the point and advocate for yourself and your mom and your sister after listening to her perspective, discuss and come to an arrangement that would leave your mom feeling welcome and also offering your sister respite suggestions if you are unable to cope with the health problem on your own in these current times.

I don't think your mom being asked to stay with you sometimes is out of line, but just making the trip at all may exacerbate your health problem and, as you suggest, not help anyone and if she can't split it more evenly with you or maybe even arranges a more appropriate schedule since, let's face it, she's the nurse in this scenario. 

[Batya33]

Yes it's fair.  She needs a break.  So unless your mom cannot stay at your place because you are contagious then yes -have boundaries so it's not frequent but sleep on the floor or the sofa and/or offer to take her off your sister's hands for full days and bring her back at night to sleep at your sisters.  Plenty of space is relative. She has more physical space but maybe she needs to not have her mom there 24/7.

Alternatively you and she find assisted living place for her. My mom is 89 and lives alone in a two bedroom -sister and I live out of state.  My mom told us if she needs help she'll move to sister's state and live in assisted living (because my sister's state has better weather).

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, surferchic said:

Is it "ethically" right or in good conscious, to ask a senior adult to uproot from out of state where she's lived for about 2 decades, to move and live with you but expect your parent to go someplace else when other people come into town or because you just want less people in your house?

Depends how you look at it. There is a reason people dont live with their parents. Two generations are not only usually different in thinking, but their time is very different. Have you ever thought what would your mother do if your sister throws a party? Would she be at party with way younger people who would probably stay way late? Trying to sleep in her room?Its not an easy position to put your sister in nore your mother as  senior.

Moreover, taking care of a senior, especialy ill one who cant take care of itself, is a full time job. Meaning that your sister not only needs to take care of her needs such as job or obligations around home, she has to take care of a needs of your mom as well. Its like having a child. Which by your writing your sister doesnt have. OK, maybe she doesnt want one, but even if they want one, do you think they can work on a kid with your mother constantly there and your sister taking care of her? Your sister took very big burden on her. So yes, its OK to want to at least be free of that burden once in a while so they can have a house for themselves. And yes, you at the same house as them would also be a burden, not a release. Yes, she took that burden by herself. But I dont think you realize she didnt needed too. My friends parents took his grandmother to take care of her. From my friends uncle. Who has a 3 story home that grandmother and grandfather builded. But didnt wanted to take care of his own mom in her late days. So appreciate that your sister was kind enough to do what she did. Otherwise you would have to take care of your mom and sleep outside of bed all the time. That would indeed be "mean" from your sister. This just isnt. She still takes care of her nicely.

[Seraphim]

My mom is coming to live with us the first weekend in April and we move to our new house the last weekend in March. She will be 78 and is pretty physically disabled we don’t of course have no plans of shipping her all over the place . No one else can take her anyway. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Seraphim said:

My mom is coming to live with us the first weekend in April and we move to our new house the last weekend in March. She will be 78 and is pretty physically disabled we don’t of course have no plans of shipping her all over the place . No one else can take her anyway. 

I know of situations where the siblings take turns to give each other a break whether it involves the parent sleeping over or not.  My friend's husband  took his mom out every weekend when she lived with his sister.  It was expected.

[Seraphim]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I know of situations where the siblings take turns to give each other a break whether it involves the parent sleeping over or not.  My friend's husband  took his mom out every weekend when she lived with his sister.  It was expected.

My brother has zero room for my mom and lives in a 5 level split and one bathroom is on the top level and the other is in the basement so she would never make it to the bathroom. It also has two bedrooms. One for him and one for his oldest daughter. He can’t even take his younger daughters let alone my mom. He is also moving over seas in four years if he makes it that far. He is being tested for a serious heart condition. 😓

So since I am and will be the most settled I get my mom. 

[Starlight925]

Agree with moving mom into assisted living, if that's financially feasible.

If not, then yes, it's absolutely fair for your sister to ask you to assist.  

Just because your sister has a larger home does not mean she has to bear all responsibility here.

Having an extra person in one's home nonstop is an intrusion, and I'm sure your sister would like a break now and then.

It's actually not fair for you to question this. 

There are very inexpensive, very comfortable memory foam floor mattresses (Amazon has one for $89) that you can sleep on while you work together with your sister to assist mom in getting the dignity she deserves in her final years.

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

My brother has zero room for my mom and lives in a 5 level split and one bathroom is on the top level and the other is in the basement so she would never make it to the bathroom. It also has two bedrooms. One for him and one for his oldest daughter. He can’t even take his younger daughters let alone my mom. He is also moving over seas in four years if he makes it that far. He is being tested for a serious heart condition. 😓

So since I am and will be the most settled I get my mom. 

Yes and if another sibling lives close by he or she can pitch in by "baby sitting" at the sibling's home, taking the parent out, paying for an aide or caregiver to come to give the sibling a break etc.  There are ways to assist without an overnight visit in one's home.

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

Agree with moving mom into assisted living, if that's financially feasible.

If not, then yes, it's absolutely fair for your sister to ask you to assist.  

Just because your sister has a larger home does not mean she has to bear all responsibility here.

Having an extra person in one's home nonstop is an intrusion, and I'm sure your sister would like a break now and then.

It's actually not fair for you to question this. 

There are very inexpensive, very comfortable memory foam floor mattresses (Amazon has one for $89) that you can sleep on while you work together with your sister to assist mom in getting the dignity she deserves in her final years.

We use a trifold mattress -also on amazon -in our apartment for an extra bed -very comfortable and folds up easily for storage.

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and if another sibling lives close by he or she can pitch in by "baby sitting" at the sibling's home, taking the parent out, paying for an aide or caregiver to come to give the sibling a break etc.  There are ways to assist without an overnight visit in one's home.

Unfortunately, that won’t work for me either. My brother will be 8 hours away. So it will be all me. Check on me in two months I may be needing mental health care . 😂

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Unfortunately, that won’t work for me either. My brother will be 8 hours away. So it will be all me. Check on me in two months I may be needing mental health care . 😂

I wish you ALL the best.  Your brother if possible can help if you like by paying for someone to help you whether with your mom or other tasks that now you have to do because of the extra person -there are so many ways to help and I totally respect whether you or how you choose to ask!

[Starlight925]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

We use a trifold mattress -also on amazon -in our apartment for an extra bed -very comfortable and folds up easily for storage.

LOL, sound like the one I'm talking about.  Trifold, folds up neatly, apparently very comfy.  And not expensive at all.

I have a foam one that rolls up, and it's a workout to roll it back into its box, and when my nieces sleep over, it's such a chore, which is why I have this trifold one in my Saved items.

[boltnrun]

I bought myself a trifold mattress when I stayed with my son and his spouse for a week.  I am not technically "elderly" (in my late 50s) but I had one heck of a time with that trifold.  It's very low and I have arthritis.  It took quite a while for me to get down on that mattress and even longer for me to get up from it.  Plus there's no way to sit up and read.  I had to sit on the edge and sort of hunch over if I wanted to read on my tablet.  Watching TV involved lying on my side and turning my head all the way to the left or craning my neck upward.  Super uncomfortable.  I found it more efficient to just rent myself a studio apartment in the same city.  If I'm ever at a point where I can't live alone, hopefully I'll have enough saved up to rent myself a studio in a senior community. 

To answer your question, yes, it's perfectly reasonable for your sister to want a break every so often.

[Starlight925]

I wasn't suggesting that the OP's mother sleep on the trifold, sorry if that sounded confusing.

OP said she sleeps on the floor & gives her bed to mom.  

I was suggesting OP get the trifold for herself instead sleeping directly on the floor.

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

I wasn't suggesting that the OP's mother sleep on the trifold, sorry if that sounded confusing.

OP said she sleeps on the floor & gives her bed to mom.  

I was suggesting OP get the trifold for herself instead sleeping directly on the floor.

Gotcha.

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

I wasn't suggesting that the OP's mother sleep on the trifold, sorry if that sounded confusing.

OP said she sleeps on the floor & gives her bed to mom.  

I was suggesting OP get the trifold for herself instead sleeping directly on the floor.

That's what I meant as well!

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, surferchic said:

.Our mom(senior) got ill 2 years ago, so rather than going back to her home to live alone my sister asked our mom to live with her. why on earth is my sister trying to have my mom go to my place when my sister has a whole house, 

What does your mother want? What's happening with her own house? The issue seems to be respite care, not mattresses. Try to focus on a better solution for your mother depending on her circumstances. 

[catfeeder]

Why not use your sofa instead of the floor? There are also convertible chairs or ottomans that unfold into beds.

Occasional visits from Mom are reasonable to give your sister a break.

[LootieTootie]

Taking care of older parents can be taxing because it is a full-time job and it costs a lot of money.

I think you and your sister need to have a heart to heart. Let her know you want to iron some details and you're wanting to have a clearer idea of how this will work. I think maybe you also have some questions you like to know where her head is at - What if mom is too sick to travel to stay with you and they need a break? What if your health declines and they need a break? How would they react to it ?

Again, these things are tough and so its best everyone involve are on the same page.

 

 

[surferchic]

16 hours ago, yogacat said:

Is it fair for your mom to stay with your sister for an indefinite period, potentially causing strain on your sister, simply because she is the primary caregiver in your family? Have a conversation with her, listen to her concerns and needs, and then voice your own and come to a solution that works for everyone involved. Consider involving your mom and sister in the decision-making process to ensure that everyone's needs and capabilities are taken into account. Remember, your mom's health and well-being are just as important as your own, and it's important to find a balanced and mutually respectful solution.

Your mom probably wants to feel like you appreciate her and enjoy her company as much as your sister does. One potential issue is your health problem and that you would likely need help from your mom if she visits, which is fair in its own right, but may add to the burden on your sister. Which begs the question, is your mom moving to stay with your sister because of need, for care and support, in which case it may make more sense as a finite and shared responsibility, than an indefinite sharing between you and your sister, or is it a classic case of the elderly being farmed off in the family.

Either way, you can raise the point and advocate for yourself and your mom and your sister after listening to her perspective, discuss and come to an arrangement that would leave your mom feeling welcome and also offering your sister respite suggestions if you are unable to cope with the health problem on your own in these current times.

I don't think your mom being asked to stay with you sometimes is out of line, but just making the trip at all may exacerbate your health problem and, as you suggest, not help anyone and if she can't split it more evenly with you or maybe even arranges a more appropriate schedule since, let's face it, she's the nurse in this scenario. 

Thanks so much.

My mom can get around well but uses a walker. That's part of the issue of my place, several floors up/ one bedroom and one bath. If an emergency happened that would be a big problem with her trying to get out. We've had a few emergencies at my place, thankfully she hasn't been here during all those emergencies accept for once when it was false alarm. All the other times she was with me, I haven't had to evacuate.

She actually had a boyfriend at one point who visited her at my sister's a few times. It was good to know she had a companion. She doesn't need a nurse any longer though. She is at my sister's as a permanent residence as part of the plan after healing from her injury.

Just to be clear, mum has stayed at my place many times.  She knows my place is smaller. We're actually closer emotionally than she and my sister. At this point though, my mom does not like the going back and forth between my place and my sister's. It's almost an hour an a half away. She likes being in one place and each time i ask her about coming to my place, she says how much she loves me but she prefers staying put rather than all the back and forth. Before her health issue though, my mom and sister were very distant due to my sister's temper and other personality issues. However, she and her husband have a spacious place which is a blessing. I still will try to get a larger spot once I can afford to. As of immediately though, I cannot. 

The only discord is between myself and my sister, not my mom. There are some other things to explore as I've found through our county's department of aging and social services. My life coach and mentor have both told me that I should hold firmer boundaries with this situation because my  sister is rude and it doesn't make sense (to mentor and coach) for mom to be going back and forth when the house is fitting. I sleep on the floor when mom is with me.

[surferchic]

14 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Depends how you look at it. There is a reason people dont live with their parents. Two generations are not only usually different in thinking, but their time is very different. Have you ever thought what would your mother do if your sister throws a party? Would she be at party with way younger people who would probably stay way late? Trying to sleep in her room?Its not an easy position to put your sister in nore your mother as  senior.

Moreover, taking care of a senior, especialy ill one who cant take care of itself, is a full time job. Meaning that your sister not only needs to take care of her needs such as job 

Thanks so much.

Yes . But mom can take care of herself and is mobile, just with a walker. She is not in need of a nurse or around the clock care. She gets around on her own and gets up early on her own  to eat, use bathroom, etc.

[surferchic]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What does your mother want? 

Thanks so much for asking.

She has said several times, she doesn't want to keep going back and forth. And she does not want to go to an assisted living. 

[surferchic]

Again my main reason for posting the thread is because mum does not like going back and forth. I've had to convince her sometimes. I will advocate for what she wants always as long as it's safe. Her voice matters.

Some people don't even think about that. My sister can be controlling and verbally abusive. That... is one reason I am trying to get a larger place. Size affects comfort for her, not just me. She been with me. I'm younger and can cope but I won't have her cramped and going back and forth if she doesn't prefer that.

It's fair for me to ask anything I want, regarding one poster. If my child asked me to live with them, I'd be so sad having to go away every other week/weekend or when out of towners come. That's real and it ain't cool.

 

[yogacat]

7 hours ago, surferchic said:

Thanks so much.

My mom can get around well but uses a walker. That's part of the issue of my place, several floors up/ one bedroom and one bath. If an emergency happened that would be a big problem with her trying to get out. We've had a few emergencies at my place, thankfully she hasn't been here during all those emergencies accept for once when it was false alarm. All the other times she was with me, I haven't had to evacuate.

She actually had a boyfriend at one point who visited her at my sister's a few times. It was good to know she had a companion. She doesn't need a nurse any longer though. She is at my sister's as a permanent residence as part of the plan after healing from her injury.

Just to be clear, mum has stayed at my place many times.  She knows my place is smaller. We're actually closer emotionally than she and my sister. At this point though, my mom does not like the going back and forth between my place and my sister's. It's almost an hour an a half away. She likes being in one place and each time i ask her about coming to my place, she says how much she loves me but she prefers staying put rather than all the back and forth. Before her health issue though, my mom and sister were very distant due to my sister's temper and other personality issues. However, she and her husband have a spacious place which is a blessing. I still will try to get a larger spot once I can afford to. As of immediately though, I cannot. 

The only discord is between myself and my sister, not my mom. There are some other things to explore as I've found through our county's department of aging and social services. My life coach and mentor have both told me that I should hold firmer boundaries with this situation because my  sister is rude and it doesn't make sense (to mentor and coach) for mom to be going back and forth when the house is fitting. I sleep on the floor when mom is with me.

Your mother needs assistance and your sister needs respite. This is what happens when family members take on the role of caregiver. It can be exhausting, stressful, and overwhelming. Your mother needs a consistent place to live where she can receive constant care, and your sister needs breaks to recharge and attend to her own life.

It may not be ideal for your mother to have to move back and forth, but it seems that it is the best solution for now. It may be helpful for you to offer to assist your sister with so that she can have some time to relax or take care of things she needs to do.

It's important to remember that your sister is also sacrificing and making adjustments in her own life to care for your mother, and she may need support and understanding as well. Instead of focusing on the injustice of the situation, try to be grateful that your sister is willing to take on the responsibility of caring for your mother and offer any help or assistance that you can.